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The Stories and Glories of Stone's Shortage (Commentary)

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11/5/2012 9:03:19   
Mister Stone
Member

Story thread!

Here I'm going to be posting a number of short stories that I think might help my horrifying writing improve just a smidge. =p I'm gonna be testing out a bunch of different styles of writing that I've never tried before, too, so the stories are probably going to turn out to be radically different from each other. I might write a story about the tale of a dandelion or something in one post and one about someone coming out of an asylum or something in the next* =p. So if you didn't like this plot/way it was written, you can stick around and eventually I'll get around to making something you might like!

*Totally not foreshadowing or anything...=p


P.S: In case you're wondering what this guy down here is talking about, he was referring to my poem, Almighty, which I moved to my poetry thread just because it didn't fit the short story description. I put my second one, Visiting in it's place.

Image removed. Please remember in the future that usage of image tags is prohibited outside of the Archive. -Faerdin

< Message edited by Faerdin -- 11/13/2012 19:48:58 >
Post #: 1
11/5/2012 10:54:24   
Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14


 Hey Mister Stone,

So I got around to read "Almighty" and there's a number of things that I would like to throw some light on. Do pardon me if my exhibition might seem rude or blunt at times. In any case, here goes....

Firstly, and very very bluntly might I say that this poem lacks a certain theme. While I can see that the lack of a theme is what you've used here as a driving factor, at times, the poem makes no sense. It feels like a string of high-ended words have been put together in order to make a beautiful description. Try your best to stick to a sliver of theme if not as a whole.

Secondly, I found that the contrast between the part where the poem is in reference to you, and where it is in reference to Art is somewhat... jarring. Again, here is a perfect example of what a lack of theme can result to.
While I can see that you put in Art in order to tie up the loose ends at the end, it should have had a flow to it.

And lastly, I like the ending, it's clear, concise and defines the purpose of this poem.

As a whole, good job, and keep writing.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 2
11/5/2012 13:37:28   
Mister Stone
Member

No, you weren't rude, the kick in the pants route was very helpful. Thank you for your criticism!

I did try to put a theme to it, but yeah I'll agree that it's either not really profound or I could have put it in a bit more neatly.


Regardless though, I'll try to clean it up later today when I have the time. Stay tuned~ =p

EDIT: (Actually I should have it done sooner than I thought =o)

EDIT 2: Mkay I changed some stuff around. Whaddya think Arthur? Or should I do more to it?

< Message edited by Mister Stone -- 11/5/2012 14:10:10 >
Post #: 3
11/5/2012 18:08:27   
Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14


 That somewhat helps it though some more need be done. At least it's a bit understandable now.

Anyways, do carry on with further writings.^^
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 4
11/6/2012 19:45:47   
Mister Stone
Member

Added Wither to my personal pile of nonsensical stories. =p


And this one's actually a story! A folk tale too =o. (Now with color!) There's not really much to this one though either, and there's only like, 4 character in it, so I'll just let you figure out what it's about. ^^
Post #: 5
11/7/2012 10:38:38   
Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14


 Hmm... Interesting read to be sure. However, the first quarter felt too much like a Geography lesson. If you could perhaps tone that down a bit.

Other than that, it was beautifully written.

Good job!
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 6
11/7/2012 16:54:13   
Mister Stone
Member

Did it? Hmm...didn't notice. Maybe it was because I was reading it in Kevin Michael Richardson's voice instead of a voice from the Discovery Channel or something. =p But by first quarter, did you mean everything before the Sun's conversation, or just those 2nd and 3rd paragraphs?


Regardess, I'll see what I can do to it, but I probably won't be able to think up of a less-sciency alternative until I get my next story written. =o
Post #: 7
11/13/2012 8:19:02   
Mister Stone
Member

Visiting is in the mix now! And lemme tell you right now that this one is... very interesting. =p

I tried to leave a lot of elements in this story up to interpretation, but if you're confused on a couple of things after you read then here is some background information for you:
spoiler:

1) The person that he is talking to is a psychologist who's visiting him from an insane asylum. He's never met him before in his life.
2) The cell that he is in is one of those completely white and cushioned rooms. The 'mess' that he is referring to in the beginning is his own blood.
3) The 'Visored Folk' whom of which he is talking about are the guards stationed next to the door of his cell in a uniform. They escorted the psychologist to the person's cell, actually.


< Message edited by Mister Stone -- 11/13/2012 9:31:06 >
Post #: 8
11/13/2012 9:50:47   
Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14


 Hmm... Interesting to be sure.

The first part had me confused as to whether it's a poem or story, then I realised that it was a most curious combination.

Anyways, I find that this story has dark elements hidden within that explode altogether at the time.

It's subtly written and enjoyable. Keep it up!
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 9
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