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(Pre-DF) The Estari Gateway Discussion Thread

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11/5/2012 14:56:51   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 This is a discussion thread for my new fanfiction "The Estari Gateway" I am always open to suggestions, and let me know if you see any grammar mistakes (and I do know about the problem with indentation, I am trying to fix it) Enjoy

http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=20836307&mpage=1&key=�

< Message edited by Chaosweaver Amon -- 6/18/2013 18:03:02 >
DF  Post #: 1
11/5/2012 16:01:42   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 Is that tree referring to the oak of Oaklore Keep? I'm asking because I can't really recall it sticking out of a mountain.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 2
11/5/2012 16:02:54   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 Well yes it is, but I just imagined it on a mountain with a cliff...

< Message edited by Chaosweaver Amon -- 2/25/2013 15:38:41 >
DF  Post #: 3
11/5/2012 16:43:44   
Glais
Member

Interesting ~_^ Orb=Radiant Pearl?
Start wasn't bad though, but I'm with DDL on the cliff thing.
DF MQ  Post #: 4
11/5/2012 18:14:17   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 Ok, I did a quick edit. If you see a mistake there just post. I have already added chapter 1

< Message edited by Chaosweaver Amon -- 2/25/2013 15:38:52 >
DF  Post #: 5
11/5/2012 18:23:27   
deatharrows
Member

Ok I would of commented earlier but I was busy editing my story which took about an hour. Anyway I read your story and I think it's amazing. For one it shines light on Sir Jing who's story was only really told through one quest. Also the level of detail was amazing. Not to mention the suspense and mystery. I can't wait for chapter 2.
DF AQW  Post #: 6
11/5/2012 18:27:37   
Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14


 I am a sucker for Gateways.

Anyways, the start was decent. Here's three things that I would advise:

1. Avoid repitition AT ALL COSTS. You just used The Tree in two consecutive sentences. What it does is serve as word fodder and also works well to immediately irritate any reader. Try using suitable pronouns as alternatives.

2. In direct connection with the last point. Lengthen your sentences. Short sentences break the flow and THAT is NOT recommended when a reader is already into it. Join sentences, make them longer and use conjunctions wherever you can. But remember, overly long sentences can have an adverse "long-winding" effect.

3. Describe the surroundings with some more detail. It helps readers who visualise while reading, like me for example. Once it's done, then carry out the story.

And do use hyphens wherever you can.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 7
11/5/2012 23:12:08   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 Now I had a LOT of trouble with this latest chapter, I had problems linking my sentences, I am trying to give a brief backstory on this mysterious knight without using a lot of chapters, just tell me what you think I can do to improve...

< Message edited by Chaosweaver Amon -- 2/25/2013 15:39:10 >
DF  Post #: 8
11/6/2012 12:59:57   
Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14


 Okay, read Chapter 2 and 3.

A few dialogue typos in Chapter 2 as it turned out.

Anyways, here's something I clearly noticed in your writing. It's the Pacing.
The Pacing is haywire. Please don't mind my bluntness.

Here's some help. Select a suitable pacing for suitable situations. Where there's dialogues, slow down a bit and make as much mening of the situation as possible, don't rush there.

When you are in the middle of action or describing something, don't get lost in making overly detailed descriptions, it cuts the flow of things. Just describe the necessary stuff and move on. Here, you can also keep a medium pace.

I'll tell you why you should control the pacing:

Firstly, it makes situations seem unrealistic when you have tge wrong pacing going on.

Secondly, it's extremely confusing for slow and steady readers who require time to make the pace transition while reading.

And lastly, it makes the story seem cheap and cluttered. The story gives off a whiff of inexperience.

So, just work on it and Good Luck...!!
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 9
11/7/2012 15:31:27   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

"Junn, you are to valuable to be killed, not you, Loin, you are the only one who can cook so that's another <> off the list...so all we have are Render and Pent?"


too, one

quote:

"No, the two off you would be defeated without making a scratch in its slimy hide. We'll have to wait until more get back."


of

quote:

"Very well sir." they said, an hurried off.


They, and

quote:

"I shall keep it for now, I'll see what I can learn about it, and then turn it into Swordhaven."


This goes without saying that you should be a bit more specific. "then turn it in at <somewhere> in Swordhaven"

quote:

"Where are you going? Its about to storm! Stay here!"


It's

Also, on several notices I am not sure who the speaker is.

quote:

Identical to the one held in Oaklore keep, bu yet completely different.


but

Okay, the story is not bad. I don't understand the idea behind the Wind Orb, however. That orb has been in Kordana's care for hundreds of years by the time Alteon's reign began.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 10
11/7/2012 17:02:39   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 @DD well this is WAY before Alteon's reign, before Sepulchure, but thanks for pointing out the typos. :)

< Message edited by Chaosweaver Amon -- 2/25/2013 15:39:26 >
DF  Post #: 11
11/7/2012 17:07:36   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 Didn't you mention Rolith?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 12
11/7/2012 22:36:28   
Glais
Member

quote:

well this is WAY before Alteon's reign, before Sepulchure, but thanks for pointing out the typos. :)

Kordana's been there for thousands of years though ~_^ And the Orbs were made 1500 1000 years prior to DF. Granted, we have no idea how long she's been using it for a power source.

< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 11/8/2012 7:00:28 >
DF MQ  Post #: 13
11/8/2012 5:56:57   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @glaisaurus_x: No, it was retconned to 1000 years.

quote:

ORIGINAL: http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=18327656

Lord Valorus: The attacks that happened 1,000 years ago threw the elemental realms out of balance.


I really can't be more accurate than a few hundred years on the subject of the Wind Orb being used as Kordana's powersource.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 14
11/8/2012 10:29:23   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!
quote:

Didn't you mention Rolith?
Well haven't you noticed that somehow the NPCs seem to be pretty long lived? And I am still trying to consider if I should change this issue with the wind Orb, or just add some twist to it or something.

EDIT: OK, I have done a change of Orbs, no longer the Wind Orb due to the fact that there was a lot of mix ups with storylines. I don't think this will alter any DF stories, because this is a LONG time ago, I hope yeh enjoy!

< Message edited by Chaosweaver Amon -- 2/25/2013 15:39:49 >
DF  Post #: 15
11/11/2012 20:07:01   
Glais
Member

I'm about to catch up but I think you should change it from Rolith, doesn't seem likely he's one of these ageless NPCs. All others had special cases.
quote:

It was about the size of an acorn

The Pearl's a bit larger than that though, closer to a softball, but slightly smaller.
quote:

a noxious water sprayed from its gullet, threatening to disintegrate him

Why would Water disintegrate you? Steam would have at least made some sense.

Interesting villain. So, how long ago does this take place?

< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 11/11/2012 21:02:10 >
DF MQ  Post #: 16
11/12/2012 11:10:40   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 @glaisaurus_x The knight who gave Rolith the pearl is not the villain, but he will play a major part later in the story, the main character in the newest chapter will be the villain, and as for the water part, I never thought of that...maybe it should be some sort of Acid? Any suggestions let me know.

< Message edited by Chaosweaver Amon -- 2/25/2013 15:40:03 >
DF  Post #: 17
11/12/2012 13:52:40   
deatharrows
Member

OMGBBQ that was awesome! I'm just curious why the man was naked and why is all of this information relevant. i'm sure you have a plan though.

P.S. I changed my avatar to death kitty.
DF AQW  Post #: 18
11/12/2012 14:17:16   
Glais
Member

I was talking about the guy who hatched from the pearl in the tree, not the Knight.

Acid could work, or Steam. Water itself has no way to really do such a thing.

Maybe the Hydra can boil the water in its stomach or something, that would be fatal to the average man.
DF MQ  Post #: 19
11/12/2012 14:27:35   
deatharrows
Member

Steam doesn't burn through skin. Obviously it's either bacon, melted cheese, or acid.
DF AQW  Post #: 20
11/12/2012 14:45:20   
Legendium
Member

quote:

Collect all the knights in the keep, I'll assemble a force to take it down."


You missed a " there. Nothing major, but, thought you ought to know.

Anyway, I'm reading through, and trying to find something else that could be corrected.

A few typos, but nothing you wouldn't notice in a quick check over.


At any rate, I can't quite clearly see in which direction this story is going. I sense a final battle between the two pearl dudes, but I'm not sure in what carnation. A battle of wits, perhaps. Sounds plausible. At any rate, you can describe very well, although it sometimes seems a bit...... cluttered. Like you know exactly how you want it to be, just unsure of how to write it in a way understandable for everyone. I have the same problem.

I ike the way the story's coming on though. But the pieces of the puzzle have not yet come together. I'll pass final judgement when the story gets further.
DF MQ Epic  Post #: 21
11/14/2012 13:32:29   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 Ok, guys chapter 5 is now out, was finally able to reveal the Hydromancer's name. Its my favorite name of all time.


@Legendium Where should the "there" go exactly?

@Glaisaurus_X using that idea now...

Ok, hope you guys likey :D

< Message edited by Chaosweaver Amon -- 2/25/2013 15:40:45 >
DF  Post #: 22
11/14/2012 13:48:53   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

The storm was ridiculously strong, lighting tearing the earth apart, the rain flooding the surrounding forest.

lightning

quote:

Outside the window, a sudden bolt of black lightning struck somewhere beneath the cliff, but he was to dazed in sleep to notice.

too

quote:

He slid into it smoothly, ran his thin, long fingers through his thick, white hair, and in a small flash of light, vanished, just as Rolith came to <>.

I believe you wanted to say something here. (his senses?)

quote:

"Ah, Junn thank you, I'm feeling fine<> I'm ready to leave now."

I feel like those should be two separate sentences. (.)

I can't really comment on the story yet, I'm afraid.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 23
11/14/2012 13:49:42   
Legendium
Member

@Amon

No I meant the ". You know, the quotation mark. You forgot one before the word Collect.
DF MQ Epic  Post #: 24
11/14/2012 16:29:50   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 @legendium, oh THAT, I thought you meant the word THERE

< Message edited by Chaosweaver Amon -- 2/25/2013 15:40:56 >
DF  Post #: 25
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