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RE: The Estari Gateway Discussion thread

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2/18/2013 21:47:37   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 Ok just to make this thread noticeable again I made this post, I couldn't make the next chapter because I go delayed AGAIN, but I promise you that I will have the next chapter up within this week!

I never really imagined this story to be so difficult to put out on the forums...I have it written down in a few notebooks, but there are certain things I have to leave out, or certain things that just don't work with the forum writing style, I've had the story for AGES and still think of alterations everyday, it's just rather difficult to include them all :/

< Message edited by Chaosweaver Amon -- 2/25/2013 15:50:05 >
DF  Post #: 101
3/7/2013 8:20:35   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

The sun shone faintly through the clounds, though it still rained, creating a rainbow that seemed to stretch over all of Lore.

clouds

quote:

"Achrion what-" he saw 4 men bloccking the road, two in front of Achrion, twoo coming back to him.

blocking, two

quote:

"This one's as think as his beard.

thick

quote:

It is not for you to take the blame goot Sir!

good

quote:

The rider's eyes fell to Jack through his visor. He was garbed from head to toe in gilded blue steel, a dark vioelt cloak fastened around his shoulders.

rested on, violet

Not sure what the prison means yet.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 102
3/7/2013 12:47:46   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 @DD Thanks for pointing out those typos, I'll get working on them right away. And the prison is so close to meeting up with the rest of the story, trust me.

_____________________________

"There are no men like me...there's only me."
-Jaime Lannister
DF  Post #: 103
3/11/2013 7:55:10   
Glais
Member

Not a bad chapter.
I think they might benefit from being a tad bit longer though.
Since they basically link up with a segment a chapter or two later anyways, ya know?

_____________________________
DF MQ  Post #: 104
3/11/2013 10:16:15   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 @Glais Not a bad idea...I've considered (when I have the time) lengthening everything, linking some chapters, etc. The chapters would come out less often, but they would be longer, and more in detail.
DF  Post #: 105
3/12/2013 22:04:43   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 Ok, newest chapter up already, a tad short, but there wasn't much more to add to hit. Let me know of any typos or grammatical errors you find!
Alright....I'm going to be editing that chapter a bit, make it longer, add more detail, etc.

< Message edited by Chaosweaver Amon -- 3/14/2013 20:24:21 >
DF  Post #: 106
3/15/2013 10:57:29   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

Even for him, and his enchantments, his heritage prevented him from seeming like an elephant walking in armor tot he vampires.

to the

quote:

He only had a second's victory, as Grimlon flung him into the dead tree from before. The trunk split with a deafening *CRACK* and nearly tumbled down onto them both, but they rolled away.

Just "crack" would suffice.

quote:

<>So I'm not done after all.<>

""

As far as I know Frydae doesn't have any vampiric minions other than ghouls.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 107
3/15/2013 11:41:45   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 @DD Well considering this is around 300 or so years before Alteon's reign, I rather imagined this being one of the earlier Lord Frydaes, like the 10th, or something. Because the newest generation is 13th, and I get he's older than 300...but this is simply a different generation of his bloodline. I'll start working on those typos now.
DF  Post #: 108
3/15/2013 11:47:36   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @Chaosweaver Amon: So Queen Safiria is awake at the present time in your story?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 109
3/15/2013 15:47:57   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 @DD I hadn't really considered it...but I suppose so, yes.
DF  Post #: 110
3/20/2013 1:05:31   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 New chapter up, and I've decided to abandon the pattern now for chapters, so it will be much more mixed and matched from hereon out.
DF  Post #: 111
3/20/2013 6:23:19   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 Not bad, but I think you could play a bit with the mention of how he wonders if those knights could defend the capital/capitol and then gets beaten by them. Maybe throw in something that they probably wouldn't be so lucky against men with equal equipment.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 112
3/20/2013 12:18:03   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 Alright, I was considering lengthening it...I might do that today if I get the chance. Maybe actually have some dialogue between Jack, Achrion, and Dashiell.
DF  Post #: 113
4/3/2013 2:23:29   
Glais
Member

Catching up...
quote:

Grimlon's was twice as thick, twice as long and sharper than both of them combined.

Combined...sharpness?

Anyhow, the Dashiell chapter was pretty good, though I didn't understand why the King hates Dashiell. It wasn't really touched upon, it's just...there.
DF MQ  Post #: 114
4/4/2013 10:20:38   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 @Glais Well Dashiell doesn't know why the King hates him either, the King is just an enormous snob, he puts Dashiell below him. Views him as scum.
DF  Post #: 115
4/15/2013 0:27:30   
Glais
Member

Fair enough I suppose.
Though Dashiell doesn't seem the nicest chap in the world either, so for all we know he could've caused it without knowing, heh.
DF MQ  Post #: 116
4/15/2013 13:35:04   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 To quote one of he most famous LoTR characters EVER:

quote:

We'll see...oh yes...we will see....



-Gollum


I'm currently a bit distracted from working on the next chapter, but I'll get to it as soon as my school exams are over.

< Message edited by Chaosweaver Amon -- 4/18/2013 12:12:56 >
DF  Post #: 117
5/6/2013 0:14:59   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 Ok, I've FINALLY after...nearly two MONTHS of distractions, finished the new chapter. I hope you guys enjoy it!
DF  Post #: 118
5/6/2013 7:18:43   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

The silence <> they rode in to Swordhaven was deafeningly awkward for Jack. He considered speaking, but feared it would only create even more awkward than it already was, and that there was nothing to talk about, so for the rest of the ride, he stared down at his saddle in silence.

as, into

What do you mean to say here?

On another note, it feels as if the sentence is getting stretched out a bit. You might want to consider making "So for .... in silence." a separate sentence.

quote:

Seconds later, the massive gate rumbled and slowly rose, and the inside of the capitol city was revealed, seemingly glowing in the sun.

Weren't you mentioning a drawbridge? Wouldn't it be lowered to grant people access?

quote:

People turned and look as the escort entered through the gates, and the awkward feeling inside his stomach inside him intensified.

and looked/to look

Pick either "inside his stomach" or "inside him" since it boils down the same thing.

quote:

He wanted to be out of there.

here

quote:

Everything seemed so much better cared for, the people seemed better fed, cleaner, and the guardsmen's armor was even decorated with slight engravings.

armors were

quote:

The Oaklore warriors didn't have that...even the Captain, Rolith's armor wasn't as nice as this.

Captain Rolith's/the Captain, Rolith,
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 119
8/24/2013 18:37:44   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 New chapter is up, I may lengthen it, depending on how my day ends up tomorrow if I have the time. I hope you enjoy it now though. :)
DF  Post #: 120
8/29/2013 13:53:00   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 I decided to start adding some music from DF into the chapters guys. Let me know if you like it or not, or if you have any recommendations for music for specific chapters.
DF  Post #: 121
8/29/2013 17:43:58   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @Chaosweaver Amon: I have noticed no flaws in your last chapter as far as grammar and spelling go. The thing that does stand out is the fact that the vampires simply captured Grimlon despite him killing off their kin AND being a werewolf at that. The quest where Zorbak seeks out Safiria's help establishes that vampires and werewolves are less than friendly with each other and would gladly take out members of the other subrace if given the chance. They also seem quite capable of identifying the other subrace.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 122
8/29/2013 18:01:21   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 @DD: Alright, thanks for telling me. I'll try to work around that somehow in Grimlon's next chapter.
DF  Post #: 123
9/13/2013 23:58:25   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 ...

< Message edited by Chaosweaver Amon -- 9/17/2013 17:41:10 >
DF  Post #: 124
9/17/2013 17:43:13   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 ***

< Message edited by Chaosweaver Amon -- 9/30/2013 13:26:14 >
DF  Post #: 125
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