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11/5/2012 16:37:36

deatharrows
Member

Hello this is the discussion thread for The EnTropical Tale I will try to update it weekly until I end the story. So just discuss your opinions on my story. Also I might take suggestions to add to the story.

AQW

Post #: 1

11/5/2012 16:40:40

Glais
Member

Feels kind of odd. It was just really brief and skipped a bit, there's a lot more details that could be added rather than using such...well, flat sentences for the intro.

Post #: 2

11/5/2012 16:48:44

deatharrows
Member

I used the intro to sort of describe my introduction to DF up to now. After that it's not to much better until I make chapter 3. Then the cool stuff starts. Also I think I'll upload anywhere from 1 to 5 chapters per day.

AQW

Post #: 3

11/5/2012 16:51:28

Glais
Member

I just mean it could've been done with a bit more finesse is all. Since it's just a prologue, you don't necessarily need to highlight everything (or maybe you do, depending on the prologue) but lines like "and bought a newb armor" for instance kind of break the flow.

Post #: 4

11/5/2012 17:03:06

deatharrows
Member

Yeah I'm not an expert author. Sorry that my writing style isn't as great as it could be. I'll try to take out unnecessary details. also I think that 3 chapters is enough for today. I'll add some more chapters in a few days.

AQW

Post #: 5

11/5/2012 17:07:37

Glais
Member

It's no problem, everyone gets better as they continue. My new chapters aren't flawless but if you compared them to my pre-rewrite versions...you would quickly be glad I started over.
Chapter 3 felt a tad bit jumpy to me. DDL could critique it better than me though, he'll probably turn up sooner or later as he reads everyone's stories just about.

Post #: 6

11/5/2012 17:12:51

deatharrows
Member

Cool. I'm hoping that as I go my writing style improves do to gaining experience. Also I appreciate the advice about this stuff.

AQW

Post #: 7

11/5/2012 17:16:15

Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!

It kinda seems like your rushing through it...

Post #: 8

11/5/2012 17:43:21

deatharrows
Member

Ok I edited over chapters 2 and 3. Chapter 1 I couldn't figure out how to fix. However I made sense of everything in chapter 2 and 3. Tell me what you think of the new and improved chapters 2 and 3.

AQW

Post #: 9

11/5/2012 17:44:54

Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L

Okay, first up. How serious do you want this story to be?

While I'm reading the prologue I see you break the fourth wall after which you proceed to make a very "dark" (I suppose) and serious story. At least that is what I think you are attempting, but the "chapters" you make aren't nearly long enough to be considered chapters. They're not given enough depth, being far too casually written down. You aren't making your readers care about your protagonist enough, because frankly why should they? As a rule of thumb, people care as much about your characters as you put effort in them.

Some ways to do that are the following.

1. Be elaborate. (Explain things, situations, people.)
2. Show emotions. (You want to gain your readers' empathy.)
3. Show decisions. (Reasoning behind the choices made ect.)

About the story inconsistencies.

Ens are male.
Tropies are female.

AQW

Post #: 10

11/5/2012 17:46:37

deatharrows
Member

Ok I fully edited chapters 1 2 and 3.

< Message edited by deatharrows -- 11/5/2012 18:11:53 >

AQW

Post #: 11

11/5/2012 21:21:26

Glais
Member

Hm, kinda feels too much like it's written as if it were a game. For example "Looked for a more powerful class to use" while from the perspective of the character it would be more accurate to say he took up a new fighting style (or in DoomKnight/EnTropy's case, donned a more powerful mystical armor).

I have to agree that the chapters are too short, there's still a lot more detail that could be added, even as a recap chapter like the prologue is.

Post #: 12

11/7/2012 15:53:42

deatharrows
Member

Ok can you give me an example of what details i should add?

AQW

Post #: 13

11/7/2012 16:46:30

Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L

@deatharrows: Like glaisaurus_x said already, this story feels like a game and thus it's like you are breaking the fourth wall.

quote:

Eventually while he was questing he caught wind of the Final 13th war and went to help falcon reach.

This is an in-game name for the event, any outsider would know it as "Sepulchure's siege on Falconreach".

In this scenario you failed to heed number #3 of the tips I gave you. Your character goes to Falconreach to help, WHY? What motivations does he have, it just makes the story that much more interesting to know.

quote:

He went around and explored the new world and eventually he chose to go to the place known as the anomaly.

Atrea

Your main problem is that you are just giving the reader a list of events that happened, while the story is not there. People want to experience events and you cannot feel empathy to a character that hasn't got a personality to it.

quote:

Drake used his new found abilities to fight the menace known as wargoth.

Again, too vague. There are many ways to fight Wargoth, seeing you would also fight Wargoth by fighting his armies. In the end, it really doesn't matter. You give the reader a washlist of events, yet they are meaningless as they don't give the reader an insight on Drake's person.

quote:

Despite this awful tragedy Drake refused to give up. He kept on questing because he knew that if he gave up he would never be able to enjoy life again. He didn't want to live the rest of his life in despair so in light of the dark he chose to be positive to keep from total depression. So in an effort to remain calm about this he strengthened his destiny weapons and continued doing good even though the armor wanted evil. He became a living example of the phrase don't judge a book by it's cover.

This is a step in the right direction.

quote:

Drake flew threw time and space until he reached his destination.

through

Of course, this leaves to wonder how a creature capable of teleporting through time and space could be enslaved by Vaal.

quote:

Gore continued to tell Drake that after the island crashed the En and Tropy races some how survived.

somehow

Also, you didn't have to make them separate races. Just like men and women are both humans, they could both be Entropies. Sort of like Yin-Yang, one being male and the other being female.

Finally, you should explain why Drake wants to help the Entropies. What in Drake's character compels him to do so? Make that clear.

AQW

Post #: 14

11/8/2012 15:56:12

deatharrows
Member

Fully edited chapters 0 1 and 2. I hope you like it. It took me 3 hours to edit it.

< Message edited by deatharrows -- 11/8/2012 22:37:47 >

AQW

Post #: 15

11/9/2012 10:23:19

Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L

quote:

He was born in a small village that's name has been erased from all recorded history.

whose

quote:

Scarlet was the head protecter of this small village in the forrest.

forest

quote:

He was relaxing in the darkness of the nighttime forrest when he sensed someone died.

forest

quote:

Raven had super human powers having had been touched by death by accident and could sense he had been there.

supernatural(?), remove had.

You might also want to explain these powers. Being touched by death is good and all, but that doesn't tell us why she would know it was death.

quote:

Then She decided to name the child Drake.

she

quote:

He left his Gnome style house and went to a place of piece.

this sounds too in-game in my opinion, peace

quote:

Drake sensed the evil in the armor but he knew it wouldn't over come him.

overcome

quote:

With that he put on the magical armor and that it how the stage was set for Drake's greatest adventure.

quote:

This made his slightly nervous.

him

quote:

However he though he should try the armor out before getting worried.

thought (or figured)

quote:

So Drake went to find some where to test out his suit the EnTropy armor.

somewhere, his suit/the EnTropy armor

quote:

He decided that DR. Voltrabolt could help him. So Drake walked through the lush green Surewood forest until he found the mad doctor. Upon asking Voltrabolt if he knew where Drake could test out the EnTropy suit Voltrabolt recommended he try using it to defeat one of his failed creations.

Voltabolt

quote:

Drake dodged the monsters massive drill fists until he was backed into the corner.

monsters'

quote:

Thinking it had won the monster walked away which was a fatal mistake.

rolled

quote:

To do so Drake always took the armor <> before going to sleep.

off

quote:

The armor accepted Drake as it's master and as such Drake was put under much less physical and mental strain while using the armor. This also let Drake use the armor's abilities to there full extent without being overpowered like during his fight with Voltrabolt's monster. So Drake went on with his life and continued to balance the powers of evil and good so that he didn't become to good or to evil.

its, their, Voltabolt, too, too

quote:

and conquered the burning sand sea.

Sandsea (SekDuat's lands, I take it?)

quote:

e fought them off but they just kept coming until eventually he was defeated.

I'd look a bit more into the dialogue that follows next. I'll return to comment once you do.

AQW

Post #: 16

11/9/2012 16:02:16

deatharrows
Member

Ok I edited the typos. Now first off what do you mean by that DDL? Also any opinions on if you like the new version or not?

AQW

Post #: 17

11/9/2012 16:16:43

Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L

quote:

The man said you are the one that mastered the EnTropy armor? Yes replied Drake. Well I expected you to be stronger than that. I didn't even send in the EnTropic earth. Sepulchure! Drake yelled in shock. Spulchure? I think not.

Sepulchure

Aside from that typo, this doesn't really flow well. It feels like you wanted to mix a sentence with a description of events or dialogue in this case.

AQW

Post #: 18

11/9/2012 18:16:16

deatharrows
Member

You mean just this sentence or the whole story. by the way fixed the typo. By the way I finished chapter 3. I focused on the characters and making the reader feel interested in them.

< Message edited by deatharrows -- 11/10/2012 13:30:45 >

AQW

Post #: 19

11/12/2012 13:48:58

Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!

Well then, I have read your story, and I like it. I think it has a good storyline, but you just aren't putting it in the right way. For instance, I noticed that your sentences seem to be rather short, breaking the flow. I saw that you used a bit of repetition. So I would suggest linking a few sentences, to keep the "flow" of the story better, and to use more pronouns, such as he, she, it, they, etc. I can't wait to read the next chapter :)

DF	Post #: 20

11/12/2012 13:55:48

deatharrows
Member

Thanks for the criticism. I'll try to use more pronouns. I'm thinking I'll start chapter 4 today or after school tomorrow.

EDIT: Chapter 4 is done and I personally thin it's pretty good. It has a lot of action.

< Message edited by deatharrows -- 11/12/2012 14:19:09 >

AQW

Post #: 21

11/12/2012 14:59:29

Legendium
Member

If you want my opinion, from what I read, (the prolouge), it seems a bit....... blockish.
The sentences don't flow well enough. It's like one idea after the other. My style is usually to make the sentences join each other. One thing should join to the next. I'll make an example.

quote:

How he was brought into existence is very peculiar. Now our hero's story begins when Death meets a woman who he falls in love with. This woman is a paladin named Scarlet. Scarlet was the head protecter of this small village in the forest.

For a start, I would have pressed the enter button when I satarted with "Now our hero's story begins...."
That's usually a good way to start a paragraph, but doesn't look that good in the middle of one.
When describing a person, I would have kept large chunks of detail in one sentence. It feels smoother, and looks better to the eye. Saying something like "The person wore a red scarf. The person also wore a brown coat. The person..." usually doesn't look that nice on paper. Keeping many details in one sentence can be a good thing.
I don't mean to say you do things like this. I'm just saying there were a few places which would look better if two sentences were combined. In the quoted sentence, I would have written "Now our hero's story begins when Death meets a women who he falls in love with. She wasa paladin named Scarlet, and the protector of this small village in the forest.

Also, seeing as this was the prolouge, it would make more sense if the verbs were in past tense. But, your decision there.

*looks back at what he wrote*
I don't mean to get you down, mate. The story I've read so far is great. Your ideas have great opportunities. You just need to work on a few things to make your works better to the eye and the ear. That was meant to be entirely constructive. Please don't interpret it the wrong way.

Epic

Post #: 22

11/12/2012 15:20:25

deatharrows
Member

It's fine Legedium. I understand. I'll try to put your advice to good use.

AQW

Post #: 23

11/15/2012 18:29:10

deatharrows
Member

Ok I posted chapter 5 Inside the Mecha Chaos Weaver. Please post your opinion and any typos you find.

< Message edited by deatharrows -- 11/18/2012 12:18:27 >

AQW

Post #: 24

11/18/2012 12:20:01

deatharrows
Member

Final post someone please post there opinion or any typos they find on chapter 5. I don't want to move on until I get some criticism so i know wether you like or don't like the writing style I'm using. Please post any typos you find or your opinion on chapter 5.

AQW

Post #: 25

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