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RE: (DF) The EnTropical Tale Discussion Thread

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11/18/2012 13:25:12   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 well, it is a bit hard to understand when you don't use quotation marks. You are still having problems with the blocky sentences, an I feel rushed when reading it, I am in no mod to put you down, I a sorry if I have offended you, but it seems that this newest part is a bit "high speed"
DF  Post #: 26
11/18/2012 13:49:02   
deatharrows
Member

Well I guess your right. So can you give me an example of what you mean by rushed so I know what to do better next time?
DF AQW  Post #: 27
11/18/2012 14:18:30   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

Then Gore invited Drake to come into <> base for some dinner.

the

quote:

Breaking the silence Gore explained there plan to defeat Vaal.

their

quote:

In order to get to him they would have to have an edge.

need (Do not use the same words more than once in a sentence whenever possible.)

quote:

Something beyond just and EnTropy. Gore planned on causing Drake to evolve into a being fare beyond Vaal's power.

an, far

quote:

To do so Drake had to remove his curse by finding <> En and Tropy's ghosts and eliminating there presence once and for all.

the original(?), their

quote:

By doing this not only would Drake allow the others to return to human form but if he was wiling to he could absorb En and Tropy's power and become a being of powers never before seen.

cure the others of their disease, with

quote:

Then he asked Drake if he were up to the task of defeating En and Tropy again and then risking his sanity to defeat Vaal. Drake thought for a moment. It seemed as if this were like when he first got the EnTropy armor.

was, was

The first thing I thought when I read Chapter 3 was ... what exactly are they eating?

On another note, give the reader some space to breathe. You know, make alineas instead of this big chunk of text.

< Message edited by Dwelling Dragonlord -- 11/18/2012 17:32:25 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 28
11/18/2012 14:41:17   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 Another thing. Repetition. When saying something, try to use pronouns mostly instead of the name. Like in the scene when they were fighting the spider, you commonly went something like, "So drake ran at the spider, shooting acid at the spider" (Just an example, no offense intended) And when I say rushed, I mean it seems there are some gaps in between the chapters.
DF  Post #: 29
11/18/2012 17:29:04   
Glais
Member

Starting to catch up, but one thing I need to suggest right off the bat is to break up your posts. Divide em into paragraphs/dialogue/etcetera. Walls of text are quite difficult to read.

Mritha, DDL, and Faerdin's stories all have good examples of tidy formatting to make the story easier to read.

< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 11/18/2012 17:30:18 >
DF MQ  Post #: 30
11/18/2012 18:33:16   
deatharrows
Member

Ok but should I edit every chapter's text style or only implement the change in the new ones?
Ok I'm a edit the chapters. The only change this time around will be fixing the format and typos.
I'll edit this post when I'm done or nearly done editing.
Ok I edited the text into paragraph form for chapters 1-3. Also I explained the they were eating some game that the crew had hunted earlier.
Ok I've converted every chapter to paragraph form and fixed the typos. That is all for now. I'll post chapter 6 soon.

< Message edited by deatharrows -- 11/18/2012 19:09:01 >
DF AQW  Post #: 31
11/23/2012 14:00:07   
deatharrows
Member

Ok I made chapter 6. Spoiler alert it will make little to no sense. Even the end leaves questions. However I made it so that it still make some sense. Just read it. Even if it seems weird at first just finish the chapter because I think if you finish it it's a rather good chapter.
DF AQW  Post #: 32
11/23/2012 15:39:32   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

Understanding that this was a tuff decision for Drake

tough

quote:

but Vaal had tried to send seeing innocent spies to attack them before.

seemingly(?)

quote:

when one stranger comes on their ship

a, came

quote:

His wife died in the fire made by the EnTropy dragon and went to heaven instead of becoming a Tropy.

First up, in the world of Lore there may be a "heaven" (even though in DF we only know about the underworld where Death rules). Secondly, I think you are trying to say something other than what you actually say here.

"His wife had died in the assault on Willowshire by the EnTropy dragon, rather than becoming infected like he and their son had."

quote:

The spider shoot webs and hit Chad.

shot

quote:

Then Ragnar tried to over power him by becoming an EnTropical being but the spider resisted the poison and over powered Ragnar knocking him out.

overpower, overpowered

quote:

Then the ran around it avoiding the spider's webs and feet.

they

quote:

Finally Drake figured out if he got on the spider's back he could break its back and push it over board.

overboard

quote:

So every got ready and Chad went to the catapults to shoot the spiders down.

everyone

quote:

So the spiders shoot webs and climbed onto the ship while Drake disintegrated them.

shot

I believe this is missing something in the description on how exactly the spiders got on the ship, not that I myself cannot imagine how they potentially could enter the ship. Just something to think about for other readers.

quote:

Carmel used her wisdom to out smart the spiders and lead them to their graves.

outsmart

quote:

He was nearly as large as the ship itself and the dragon started to flutter do to its immense weight.

due

quote:

So they divided a plan.

came up with
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 33
12/1/2012 8:27:21   
Glais
Member

Aaand finally catching up, long overdue but...oh well.

Prologue:
quote:

There was scarcely any crime and even the few crimes that did occur were easily stoppable.

The transition between several sentences feels a bit strange to me, most notably when Raven is introduced.
quote:

She was dead as a door knob and here blood stained the dirt roads.

Her
quote:

Death saw the killer was a giant thug. He must have snuck up on her so she didn't stand a chance. Infuriated by the death of the woman he loved Death took his scythe and killed the thug.

Could use a bit more description so as to sound less "flat." The thug for example, rather than just describing his size there are other ways to convey his appearance. Just an example anyhow. Onwards.

Chapter 1:
Kind of feels like a listing of events thus far. Something I've noticed is there hasn't been any dialogue. Something like that could help build some character.

Chapter 2:
quote:

The man said you are the one that mastered the EnTropy armor? Yes replied Drake. Well I expected you to be stronger than that. I didn't even send in the EnTropic earth. Sepulchure! Drake yelled in shock. Sepulchure? I think not. I'm the mighty Vaal said Vaal.

What they've said should be in "" s.
But anyhow Chapter 2 felt incredibly random to me. He was ambushed by spiders, then Vaal wants to kill him, then a Dragon somewhat appears out of nowhere to save him. It all feels slightly pointless, letalone involving Vaal only for him to be kicked aside so swiftly.

Chapter 3:
quote:

Gore had learned of this from a wise monk which they had encountered while flying.

Wait...what?

Vaal's involvement in general feels somewhat random. Stopping there for now though.
DF MQ  Post #: 34
12/5/2012 22:32:14   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 A few edits to make...

quote:

As Drake fell from the mountain he reflected upon his life. He realized how little sense his life made.


Watch that repetition, try this : As Drake fell from the mountain, he reflected upon his life, then realized how little sense it made.

quote:

Even if everything was predetermined so that he had to do what was right Drake refused to have a predetermined life.


Even if everything was predetermined, so that what he had to do was right, Drake refused to live a predetermined life.

quote:

Where were the ghosts of En and Tropy.


Where were the ghosts of En, and Tropy?

I didn't see any other major problems, but I can't stress this enough, watch the repetition! And try to link a few of your sentences, it seems a bit...blocky. All I have to say now, my newest chapter for The Estari gateway is out if anybody would like to see it.
DF  Post #: 35
1/10/2013 18:20:05   
deatharrows
Member

Ok everything is edited. Yeah I'm back. I'm sorry but I kept getting negative feed so I was considering ditching this for a new series that I would have just be fun adventures. ANyway I've decided to finish the EnTropical tales. Now I'm going to make a new chapter. Please I beg you please just tell me what you think of the chapters! I need to see what feed back you have before I can continue. Oh and as for why Vaal is involved I wanted to do things that are at least slightly related to En and Tropy or that just make the plot interesting. Vaal is an En so... I rest my case.

Ok I made chapter 7. I made a new character that messes with fate and basically changes the plan completely. Before he can train for even a whole day Drake is back at square one trying to figure out what happened after he fell off Mist Mountain. I myself liked it but then again I wrote it :P

< Message edited by deatharrows -- 1/10/2013 18:43:44 >
DF AQW  Post #: 36
1/11/2013 4:40:52   
Glais
Member

quote:

Vaal is an En so... I rest my case.

Er, no he isn't. He appeared similar to one in one statue.
I'm not saying he can't be part of the story, but at the moment he feels thrown in a bit randomly.
Anyhow will edit this with comments on the recent chapter.

EDIT: An issue I'm noticing so far is kind of a lack of flow. It's sort of just a listing of events at this point. There's a lot that could be expanded on, especially characterwise that would drastically improve the story and make it overall more enjoyable to read. As for fics here I'd recommend you Hiraku Taitlin's Boundless Power of Words.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not telling you to change your style and adopt his (or anyone else's for that matter, tell the story that you want to tell). Far from it. But his story does have good examples of using characters' thoughts and interactions, which can help teach basics to help give your story a bit of a push initially.

Lastly, the formatting's a bit unclear. There's still a lot of walls of text (though less than before). Feel free to break up the paragraphs for clarity. It's not really an official thing, but as far as posting stories online goes, it makes them easier to read.

< Message edited by Glais -- 1/11/2013 4:57:19 >
DF MQ  Post #: 37
2/5/2013 17:48:56   
deatharrows
Member

Glais I'll take your advice but I don't know how do to break up dialogue like that :( Sorry. However I'll work to improve stuff and make this better! Thanks for the constructive criticism
DF AQW  Post #: 38
2/5/2013 18:36:21   
deatharrows
Member

Ok I finished chapter 8. Feel free to read it and tell me your opinion and any criticism you have about it.
DF AQW  Post #: 39
2/5/2013 23:08:45   
Glais
Member

quote:

but I don't know how do to break up dialogue like that

So basically when each person talks it gets its own paragraph for example

"Character one is speaking now."

"Character two responds."

And all the dialogue is laid out, basically each time someone speaks it gets its own line for clarity.
I can't remember if that's a general grammar rule or not but it's at least a practice here to make reading stories easier and cleaner.
DF MQ  Post #: 40
2/6/2013 6:22:28   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

Re Writing the Threads of Fate

Rewriting

quote:

Mean while Drake was being trained by the Sage on Mist Mountain.

In the meanwhile

quote:

Un like before he wasn't in a dream.

Unlike

quote:

As he lay unconscious the mountain collapsed and sent any living thing or bolder tumbling of it.

boulder, off of

quote:

He had literally re written fate and made way for the chance to become an un stoppable force.

rewritten, unstoppable

quote:

Though he was clever he knew that he must be carful.

careful

That doesn't really make sense, though he was clever he knew he had to be careful?

quote:

Many people he didn't now were chasing him.

know

quote:

After being spotted all of the bigger monsters rand at Drake.

ran towards

This chapter feels really random. I suggest you put more detail into the training he received from the Sage as one skill seems really silly considering how easy it came to him only for him to mention that it took him about one week in the next chapter.

quote:

The soldier attacked Drake witha volley of punches but Drake blocked and dodged all of them.

with a

quote:

They aren't much but look how many of them their are!

much what?, there

quote:

Well let's go a head and find some place to set up camp

ahead

quote:

So the crew went a head and traveled, avoiding contact with anyone, until they found a small cave with no one near by.

ahead, nearby

quote:

Drake I want you to go a head and search for a forrest

ahead, forest

quote:

All thought it seemed to be a baron waste land out there I saw some forests near by.

barren, nearby

quote:

Now I understand you confusion

your

quote:

However before even a weak passed something went wrong and I fell off Mist Mountain.

week

quote:

You guys need to stay safe while I walk my own rode.

road

I have noticed you break up words which should be whole. Is there a reason behind this?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 41
2/6/2013 15:55:43   
deatharrows
Member

@Dwelling Dragonlord I'm about to start editing so by putting more detail into the training do you mean like a flash back or edit that chapter to add more details? Also as for the breaking up words I don't know :p
DF AQW  Post #: 42
2/6/2013 15:59:24   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @deatharrows: That is up to you to decide.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 43
2/6/2013 16:42:08   
deatharrows
Member

@Dwelling Dragonlord Ok finished up fixing the typos and I saw what you said about things not making sense so I tried to make those sentences a lot more vivid. Also i added a bit more detail into the training on mist mountain.
DF AQW  Post #: 44
2/7/2013 21:32:36   
Glais
Member

Good chapter, you're improving my friend.

Although I don't understand why they need to defeat the ghosts of En and Tropy...?
DF MQ  Post #: 45
2/9/2013 16:57:45   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @deatharrows: En & Tropy are dead Chaosweavers animated with the Shadowscythe virus which combined with the Chaosweaver disease. Hence why they look like Chaosweavers.

< Message edited by Dwelling Dragonlord -- 2/9/2013 16:58:00 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 46
2/9/2013 20:37:28   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 Good new chapter! As Glais says, you're improving

@DD I don't remember the staff ever saying that about En and Tropy...0.o

_____________________________

"There are no men like me...there's only me."
-Jaime Lannister
DF  Post #: 47
4/26/2013 20:40:42   
deatharrows
Member

Dear readers, I'm sorry but the EnTropical Tale is going to be canceled. I'm doing this because I realized something. When I started this story, I thought I knew what I was talking about. However apparently I was completely wrong about the subject that I decided to base this story off of. Also I chose a story that was hard to pick up with and I had little skill at story telling at the time. One day I hope that I can edit the series but for now I'm ending it. This is just an official notice. I'm very sorry but the EnTropica, Tales is canceled for now.
DF AQW  Post #: 48
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