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RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread

 
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11/17/2012 12:26:06   
Faerdin
Rune Knight


Just be careful. I use Google Chrome, too, and sometimes its spell check highlights words that aren't actually incorrect. xD
If its spell check says a word is wrong, I'd recommend going onto Google and searching "define [insert spell checked word here]" to make sure.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 26
11/17/2012 13:01:26   
Legendium
Member

Well, I'll still make less mistakes. And I'm sure you guys will spot my mistakes.
DF MQ Epic  Post #: 27
11/17/2012 14:39:24   
Jorath
Advocator of Wills


Indeed, there are still some mistakes to be cleared.

Chapter One:
quote:

Bookshelves that strectched up


stretched.

quote:

The figure sat down on the chair, and opened the book It had been ages since he had read the book.


No mistake here, but it seems to be missing a period.

quote:

I was born in the small town of Aspenvayle


This should be Aspenvale.

quote:

I can't remeber who


remember.

quote:

He had boasted that he was the best sword in the club


He was the best sword in the club? I'm not feeling that line.

quote:

I fully expected the reds to use the same maouver


maneuver.

quote:

not to araise suspiscion


suspicion.

quote:

Our team's sneaking around manouver prooved succesful for the mst part


maneuver, proved, successful, most.

quote:

Two days after Valden dissappeared


disappeared.

quote:

But I hadn't realised that. I hadn't realised that it was his fault of what happend in the next two years.


happened.

I don't get this line. Why is it Valden's fault for what happened in the next two years when Tobias clearly caused all this?

quote:

They hoped for her to train in swordhaven

quote:

My brother broke his hand when he accidently hit the hammer

quote:

She made to much noise


Swordhaven, accidentally, too.

quote:

I remeber waking up


remember.

quote:

It apalled me.


appalled.

quote:

I remeber how hard it hit.


remember.

I might start on reading the other two chapters, it looks great.

< Message edited by Leon ShadowHart -- 11/18/2012 3:33:14 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 28
11/18/2012 5:32:25   
Glais
Member

Ca~tching up now.
Chapter 2: You seem to misspell either Valden/Vladen a lot. Which is it?
Chapter 3
quote:

the skeletons were pretty much done with whatever their plan was.

I think it should be "their plans were" to keep with tenses or something, which in this case is past. I'm no English expert though so meh.

Ok caught up completely.

Why the heck did he just randomly run into DoomWood and risk himself dying. Makes no sense whatsoever.
DF MQ  Post #: 29
11/18/2012 5:43:40   
Legendium
Member

quote:

This should be Aspenvale.


Actually, to avoid it clashing with the Aspenvale Academy in Falconreach, I purposely spelled it Aspenvayle.

quote:

Why the heck did he just randomly run into DoomWood and risk himself dying. Makes no sense whatsoever.


Three ways to explain it:
Magic
Destiny
Plot Advancement.

Plus, well, he picked a random direction, and his will was so shattered he honestly didn't care where he went.



Squashed all known typos.

I'll redo the entire story at the end, and squash all the things that make little sense.
But first, I need to get the whole story done. I'll get the next chapter out soon.

< Message edited by Legendium -- 11/18/2012 6:07:12 >
DF MQ Epic  Post #: 30
11/18/2012 12:28:31   
Glais
Member

No I mean his brother chews him out for leaving and then that's the first thing he does and no reason is even given? Even for plot's sake that's a bit flimsy.
DF MQ  Post #: 31
11/18/2012 13:59:40   
Legendium
Member

I may go and add something in-between later.
But for plot purposes, he has to go into Doomwood. I'll have to think up a better reason then.
DF MQ Epic  Post #: 32
11/25/2012 15:25:36   
Legendium
Member

Next chapter is up. Feedback, anyone?
DF MQ Epic  Post #: 33
11/25/2012 17:29:36   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

"Trianing?"

Training


The new chapter looks solid.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 34
11/26/2012 1:52:17   
Legendium
Member

@Dwelling

Okay, I'll fix that.

The plot should get more interesting from here on out. It'll depend on my writing style, and hopefully I'll do nicely.
DF MQ Epic  Post #: 35
12/1/2012 8:49:36   
Glais
Member

Agreed with Dwelling, a solid chapter. Now we know where things are going, to an extent anyhow.
DF MQ  Post #: 36
12/19/2012 16:44:53   
Legendium
Member

And the next chapter is up. Sorry for the delays. The Procrasti- Nation got in the way, as well as life.
DF MQ Epic  Post #: 37
12/20/2012 5:43:18   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

But then I remembered that I the house I was in was situated in a small settlement, which seemed uninhabited.


quote:

Dariut's house, or at least, I thought it was, seemed small.

assumed/thought it was his


quote:

This is where I grew up. It's also where I became a paladin.

Is there a building of the Paladin Order in that town? I would argue you need a Paladin (or perhaps a Cleric/Priest of the Light) to train you as one.
quote:

giving myself everlasting life and nourishment

So Dariut is a lich?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 38
12/20/2012 12:23:01   
Legendium
Member

@Dwelling

Okay, I'll go fix those mistakes. Now to the things that might make sense or not.

Well, I can certainly edit the bit with where he became a paladin, or take the opportunity for more story by adding a church where a priest of light was.

And I never thought of it that way, but I guess you could say Dariut is a Lich. Not willingly, and certainly he doesn't think like one, but yeah. A little like a lich. Although he would like to be called a person submitted to an eternity of mental torture. That is, until his mind snaps. But he'll hold out a while longer, and won't be able to do anything bad so long as he stays inside the circle. Otherwise, he'd die and go to hell as an oath breaker. But he will try to find a way to get around that. And Tobias might offer him the chance.... (What have I gotten myself into? Sheesh, stupid mind and logic. I wish we could use the "Magic!" excuse in the L&L. Whatever. Stories have their own minds, if well written.This that you just read was all rhetorical.)
DF MQ Epic  Post #: 39
12/24/2012 20:09:00   
Glais
Member

quote:

"I wish it were that simple. But it isn't. The penance for the breaking of my oath was a choice between two things. Every time I dream, I re-live those moments, or I imprison myself in my old town, giving myself everlasting life and nourishment, but not being able to go anywhere but the place where it all happened. So I chose to trap myself here. I can do nothing but wait, brood, live and remember. But this is the better deal. I keep the statue repaired and well, because it is my wife's grave. But it was cruel of that necromancer to kill her here. I see my triumph, only to see it crash violently with the next memory. It's living hell."

This felt incredibly random to me.
But that aside, not a bad chapter. I like the idea of an abandoned town in the woods.
DF MQ  Post #: 40
12/25/2012 10:48:31   
Legendium
Member

@glai

I'm afraid that's my weakest point. When someone in a story monologues, I tend to get off track very often, because one thing leads to the next.
DF MQ Epic  Post #: 41
4/20/2013 16:26:12   
Legendium
Member

*kicks down door to thread with Duster of +2000 Procrastination Pownage*

*Epic battle between Procrastination Embodiments and Legendium ensues.*

*Legendium almost goes down, and you see him disappear beneath the embodiments*

*Legendium's hand pops out from the mound, holding the prize: his story*

I'M BAAAAAACK!

Apologies for the huge (huge!) amount of time I have spent inactive on my story, but I believe the opening of my post should explain why.

I've got a bigger plan for this story now, and can't wait to get it started. Apologies if my newest installment to the story isn't that good. My writing's gotten rusty.
DF MQ Epic  Post #: 42
4/20/2013 16:58:27   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

Dariut was leaned forward as well, but his feet were planted nice and firm on the ground, which showed that he was in a defensive position and probably waiting for me to attack him.

was leaning/leaned

quote:

Although, that small victory was losing worth because I was getting more and more tired.

was worth losing

quote:

Every day, a new weapon and style, new armor pieces, new challenge.

a new challenge/new challenges


Sounds like some training.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 43
4/21/2013 3:14:10   
Legendium
Member

1. Will be corrected.

2. The victory was losing worth like stocks in a market lose worth. The victory isn't worth losing.

3. Will be corrected.




My next post is going to be about magic, but I honestly don't know that much about paladin magic. So if anyone has info on it, I'd be happy to have it.
DF MQ Epic  Post #: 44
4/21/2013 7:25:27   
Faerdin
Rune Knight


Leaping back in! Sorry for my absence; school has been keeping me dreadfully busy. Dx

Chapter Five

quote:

When I woke, I was lying on a bed in a room lit by candle light.

When I woke, I was lying on a bed in a room lit by candlelight.
quote:

Under the cloak, he wore a dark chest-plate, that looked tarnished from use.

Under the cloak, he wore a dark chestplate, that looked tarnished from use.
quote:

It seemed to last a while before he said

"Go home boy. Doomwood is no place for a child. You're lucky to still be alive."
It seemed to last a while before he spoke.

"Go home, boy. Doomwood is no place for a child. You're lucky to still be alive."
quote:

In my mind flashed pictures of Aspeth lying on the ground, drowing in her own blood.

In my mind flashed pictures of Aspeth lying on the ground, drowning in her own blood.
quote:

"Boy, nowhere is worse then Doomwood. This forest is hell itself. Whatever comes here unprotected by light or darkness never makes it out. You're lucky to have made it this far, but luck doesn't always prevail. Turn back before it's too late."

"Boy, nowhere is worse than Doomwood. This forest is hell itself. Whatever comes here unprotected by light or darkness never makes it out. You're lucky to have made it this far, but luck doesn't always prevail. Turn back before it's too late."
quote:

"... I will not sway you're decision. So do you stay, or do you go?"

"... I will not sway your decision. So do you stay, or do you go?"
quote:

"Legendium. And your's?"

"Legendium. And yours?"
("Your" is already possessive, and so the apostrophe is not needed)

Chapter Six

quote:

Ah, he remember Dariut quite well.

Ah, he remembered Dariut quite well.
quote:

But then I remembered that the house was in was situated in a small settlement, which seemed uninhabited.

But then I remembered that the house I was in was situated in a small settlement, which seemed uninhabited.
quote:

The plaque at it's base was large enough to read from where I stood.

The plaque at its base was large enough to read from where I stood.
quote:

I felt something like Deja-Vu right then.

I felt something like deja-vu right then. (Unless capitalized for a specific reason)
quote:

It seemed like Dariut had experienced everything I had; but got the worse of it.

It seemed like Dariut had experienced everything I had, but got the worse of it. (Semicolons usually signify a change in the topic of a sentence; they are used almost like periods, but without ending a sentence)
quote:

Well, that explains it, I thought.

Well, that explains it, I thought. (Italics usually have two uses in literature: to emphasize a word or phrase, or to display the thoughts of a character)

Chapter Seven

quote:

Dariut pulled his sword out from it's scabbard on his back...

Dariut pulled his sword out from its scabbard on his back...
quote:

Luckily I still had the reflexes from my time in the duelist club, or I would have been cloven in two by now.

Luckily, I still had the reflexes from my time in the duelist club, or I would have been cloven in two by then.
quote:

Before I could respond, Dariut threw me a shield and said “Keep the hammer for now. Meet me at the statue again.”

Before I could respond, Dariut threw me a shield and said, “Keep the hammer for now. Meet me at the statue again.”
quote:

He smiled, and said “I think that you’re ready to start learning magic now.”

He smiled, and said, “I think that you’re ready to start learning magic now.”



The only problem I can really think of is how quickly Tobias had learned and defeated a trained paladin. Aside from that, your story is coming along very well. ^_^

As for information on paladins and their magic... We know little of paladins in Dragonfable, but Artix does define a paladin here:

quote:

Artix: A Paladin is a warrior of good who has dedicated their life to thrawting evil and protecting those in need.
Artix: Through love and faith a Paladin is granted the power to overcome great evil.
Artix: There are many different types of Paladins... perhaps you would like to train as a Paladin one day.
Artix: I would be honored to share with you what I have learned once we have a handle on this undead situation.

Aside from very specific forms of magic for which paladins are widely known, it can be assumed that being a paladin is more so a lifestyle than a form of magic. In addition, due to the flexibility of Lore's system of magic, it can also be assumed that paladins (Like necromancers) are not limited to their stereotypical element. While most paladins pledge themselves to the light, by no means does that make service to the light a qualification for a paladin (I believe Dracelix's character is actually an ice paladin, for example). What is most important is their ability to love, to feel compassion for others, and to have the willingness to guard common people from evil (Often undead).
Paladins do have some constant themes in terms of their magic, however.

1) Their spells are tailored to be more powerful against the undead and evil in general.
2) Paladins are very knowledgeable healers.
3) Some paladins are capable of limited resurrection (In the AE universe, they have only ever been capable of self-resurrection). However, resurrection is not limited only to paladins (Nythera resurrects Warlic, Xan attempts to resurrect Warlic, etc.).
4) Paladins are capable of purging inanimate objects and living beings of alien life forces (Purification).

I hope this helps. ^_^

< Message edited by Faerdin -- 4/21/2013 16:18:09 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 45
4/21/2013 7:45:22   
Legendium
Member

quote:

The only problem I can really think of is how quickly Tobias had learned and defeated a trained paladin. Aside from that, your story is coming along very well. ^_^


I could always lengthen the time it took, or just say that Dariut was holding back. I'll edit the time it took when I correct the typos. Any idea of how long it would take?



So, paladinry is more of a mindset and attitude than a class. That's good. I'll be able to play around with spell types. I'm going for a classic paladin build when it comes to magic, but his combat ought to be a bit different. Stereo-typically, paladins are tank-ish characters with big two-handed weapons, but Tobias is going to use a one-and-a-half-handed broad sword and a rapier while using agility as defense rather than bulky armor. I don't think I'm going to go much into resurrection magic, but I'll fill that place with light runes. Like the ones Dariut put around village. Let's just say that Dariut is somewhat of an expert at his type of runic smithing. Although, the runic magic isn't going to play a major role in his teaching.
DF MQ Epic  Post #: 46
4/21/2013 7:51:46   
Faerdin
Rune Knight


I think a better solution would be for Dariut to have been holding back. A simple but effective solution, considering that Tobias is only an apprentice. ;)
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 47
4/21/2013 8:00:58   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


To add on what Faerdin said on the topic of elements, Dracelix already used ice magic before becoming a paladin and afterwards also used light magic. In Dragonfable the paladins also serve the king.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 48
4/21/2013 8:03:36   
Legendium
Member

Oh, they serve the king? Well, I guess that wouldn't make Tobias officially a paladin. Just a normal citizen with paladin's training.
DF MQ Epic  Post #: 49
4/21/2013 8:28:02   
Faerdin
Rune Knight


The Paladin Order may pledge its allegiance to the king, but I do not think that would disqualify Tobias from being considered a true paladin.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 50
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