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RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary

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1/31/2013 11:01:26   
Tep Itaki
Friendly!


 Even so, I still wish to read your work as well as I've already read and critiqued all the others

Thank you for your permission Elryn. I also wonder what Rixi's true motivation is as I do not know either >.>;; Perhaps at the end of the war she'll have found it. To be honest, the reason why Rixi's wanting to compete against you was because after Zombay's defeat against you and complained about it to her, Rixi had wanted to test her mettle against the man that defeated her teacher. If she could defeat the man that defeated her teacher, maybe she'll be acknowledge by him finally.
However, even that isn't Rixi's true reason for joining this war on the same side as you in this important war. I'll have to wait and see for her to find the answer before asking her again.

Oh right, I won't have my war story up until after the war is finished(or if I have time in between reset) for maximum kills possible with two characters on opposing sides of the war. This is the most important war ever. Zombay may make an appearance....if I have the time >.>;;

< Message edited by Tep Itaki -- 1/31/2013 11:11:42 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 51
1/31/2013 13:39:59   
UnderSoul
Member

Tep, just read your review. Thank you, also I do try to end my sections with parts that would only make sense to either:
A) People who've been on the forums far longer than I
Or
B) People who've read the earlier war threads.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 52
1/31/2013 14:21:53   
battlemaster25
Member

quote:

@battlemaster:
Your story is good and I can't wait to read the entire finished product. I like your format in your story and how you deliver the story. You set the scene first then proceed to telling your tell so that your reader is able to imagine what happens as they read your story. It's detailed but not too detail to the point of boring your readers. The fact that you also show this war can tear apart even a mother and son had me smiling during the back and forth between Storm and Isaac.


Thanks for the review. I'm glad you liked the format, I really wasn't sure how it would work out. And yeah, I do enjoy some good family-drama. The next chapter of the story will have to wait until the war starts, because I've exhausted all of my ideas for build-up. I'm not sure exactly how long the story will be, but I know that I want to cover the beginning, middle, and end of the war, and I want an epilogue to cover the aftermath.
AQ  Post #: 53
1/31/2013 14:54:08   
Muchiha
Member

TO the following (amazing) writers:

UnderSoul, flashbang, She Ratchet, battlemaster25, Tep Itaki, Trainz_07. The White Knight, and Archmopecake:

I will have my reviews up for all you updates to your stories soon. Classes are in session for me. I'm currently typing this at my IT class (Ooooooh rebel xD) Anyway, I expect my reviews come tomorrow morning (Feb 1) at the latest. Keep it up everyone! I've never seen such great talent in the War Stories forum

EDIT: Major exam coming up tomorrow. Sorry everyone I'll try to get that review done by tomorrow afternoon.

< Message edited by Muchiha -- 1/31/2013 22:15:53 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 54
1/31/2013 15:50:51   
UnderSoul
Member

I put up the next part. It's my first battle scene, so don't go too hard on me.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 55
1/31/2013 16:44:05   
battlemaster25
Member

I've added Chapter III. It doesn't have much action in it, but don't worry, there will be plenty of that later. The idea here was that this is basically the last bit of build-up.
AQ  Post #: 56
1/31/2013 20:57:52   
Cataclysm
The fanciest of moustaches


 I haven't written anything for awhile. I suppose I ought to change that, yes?

The prologue has been written and posted up.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 57
1/31/2013 22:35:04   
Sir Nicholas
Member

There. I have now posted my own take on this war's opening battle. I have created a new character specifically for this purpose, and I will explain more about him in the following chapters. For now, enjoy my take on army-vs.-army based combat.

Be advised, I try to use actual military strategy in my posts - so expect the paladins to be quite advanced in their method of warfare. They are, after all, a knightly brotherhood consisting of zealous crusaders. So I would expect them to at least have some form of siege weapons.

http://local.yahoo.com/info-34580220-zaxby-s-snellville?csz=Snellville,+GA

< Message edited by Sir Nicholas -- 2/1/2014 17:59:49 >
AQ  Post #: 58
1/31/2013 22:43:23   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


 I did not mention it, but I did add my prologue as well. I will try and read stories while warring
AQ  Post #: 59
1/31/2013 22:45:39   
UnderSoul
Member

I hope everyone likes my story.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 60
1/31/2013 23:20:19   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


 Your story is interesting and entertaining, Undersoul. If I could offer one piece of constructive criticism, it would be that the story feels rushed at times. Take the time to describe the surroundings, to get into the characters, build suspense. Other than that, it is fine.
AQ  Post #: 61
2/1/2013 0:48:53   
Sir Nicholas
Member

Any feedback, critiques, or criticisms (constructive please) is welcome. I wish to know how I can improve my story, before I begin to add on to it. I hope I have pleased my readers.
AQ  Post #: 62
2/1/2013 0:54:43   
UnderSoul
Member

@Nicholas I like it, it's verbose and captivating. The pro-Paladin bias is so strong you could dent steel with it, and the story isn't half-bad either. Keep up the good work. What do you think of mine?
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 63
2/1/2013 2:11:43   
Trainz_07
Member

@Elryn Your prologue was well thought out, I really applaud your finesse at writing descriptions (which I am incredibly envious of), and the pacing is remarkably smooth. Looking forward to the continuation of your story.

< Message edited by Trainz_07 -- 2/1/2013 4:43:46 >
AQ  Post #: 64
2/1/2013 6:20:00   
Tep Itaki
Friendly!


 @Elryn: Your prologue piqued my interests. I hope to read more and find out what's happening and why you chose such a scene as your prologue.

@Sir Nicholas & @Cataclysm: I don't have time to read your stories now...and all the other stories and their updated versions, but after the war I'll be able to.

Also, the third chapter, Storm of War, is up. Please tell me what you think of it and your critiques if you have the time. Thank you very much.

< Message edited by Tep Itaki -- 2/1/2013 6:29:22 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 65
2/1/2013 7:02:37   
Trainz_07
Member

@ Tep Itaki

quote:

Tep had finally succeeded at appearing at the battlefield


Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it should be 'succeed in'. 'Succeed at' seems to imply prospering in something, where as 'succeed in' indicate accomplishing something.

quote:

a handful of necromancers didn't take too kindly of accepting the paladins as their allies but couldn't sway their peer's decision and broke from the mass


Should be 'to'

quote:

I smelled flesh of the living with my undead attacker."


Should be smelled the flesh of the living. Grammar aside, I was a bit confused when I came across this because...can someone actually smell the flesh of the living? Unless your character is gifted with a unique sense of smell.

quote:

"And I sensed no life with the paladin I was fighting,"


Should be within

Moving on to the actual plot, I was intrigued by the inclusion of a mass illusion spell, but I was hoping that you would explain its origin, because it appears that someone unaffiliated with either side cast the spell. Overall I thought it was a solid chapter that provided a helpful insight into the happenings in the war. Good job!


Oh and by the way I've posted the 2nd chapter to my story. Chapter 3 will probably come along when the war meters reach halfway.

< Message edited by Trainz_07 -- 2/1/2013 19:59:17 >
AQ  Post #: 66
2/1/2013 7:21:54   
Tep Itaki
Friendly!


 Thank you Trainz. I actually was writing it while fighting and was rushed to get the chapter out. Now I know the follies of doing so.

About Artimix's sense of smell. Yes, it's a bit unique. Then again, when you're living under the roof with a younger twin(by 10 seconds) whose experiments tend to blow up every 5 seconds, you start to develop better nose to detect the differences between a lot of stuff so that you don't walk in a room and have it blow up on you.

But I think I'll better clarify it so that the readers don't get as confused. Thanks! I used the bug in the current war as an idea for this chapter.

As for the spell, yes, it will be clarified much later on. It's one of the reasons why Tep fought a battle against a Paladin, like what my character page say.

EDIT: Added a small part to Artimix's explanation about how both him and Rixi did get hit by the illusion spell. Part serves to broaden the view, so to speak.

< Message edited by Tep Itaki -- 2/1/2013 10:04:49 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 67
2/1/2013 13:23:31   
Golden Emperor
Member

I finished reading your war story Tep, a great piece of writing! The buildup to the war was excellent and I liked the explanation to what happened at the start of the war lol. I am looking forward to what's to come.
AQ  Post #: 68
2/1/2013 15:41:22   
Sir Nicholas
Member

Thank you. I have added another chapter, although this one is slightly more personel based. Hadrian has just begun to fight - and he and his brothers display their powers.

Its now that the tide will start to turn, and the humans will begin to lose - as is reflected in the scores.

I'm REALLY hoping the paladins win, but hey, no matter what - we can all make some great stories. Well done, everybody. Well done indeed.
AQ  Post #: 69
2/1/2013 15:48:12   
UnderSoul
Member

@Nicholas I like it. A quality story from the other side's view always piques my interest. What do you think of mine?

Next part of my story's up. It's darker and sadder.


Post edited to combine double-posting, which isn't allowed. Please use the 'Edit' button to add to/change your posts. Thanks!

M4B

< Message edited by Melissa4Bella -- 2/1/2013 19:35:38 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 70
2/1/2013 19:41:55   
flashbang
Member

@US I like your story. The deatail you put into it is amazing. This part was so Dark and Sad though.

Part Three is up!
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 71
2/1/2013 21:13:53   
Travis Touchdown
Reality Touchdown!


 So, I'm working on part 2 of my story. I think I've got something figured out...

EDIT: I like DD's story. It really adds context to all of ours, I think.

< Message edited by Travis Touchdown -- 2/1/2013 21:16:23 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 72
2/1/2013 21:17:16   
UnderSoul
Member

@Travis And what of mine?
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 73
2/1/2013 21:20:55   
Travis Touchdown
Reality Touchdown!


 I like the character driven nature of yours, US. It adds a certain something that most stories don't... a lot of war stories only focus on the writer's character (mine included), whereas yours really encapsulates the whole "we're all in this mess together" feel. It's a very nice quality that I think really ties a lot of our stories together-- and I think that bond will get even stronger as a few more people start inserting other people into their work (I know Tep is, and I think there were a couple of others-- if we can avoid inconsistencies this will be AWESOME)

< Message edited by Travis Touchdown -- 2/1/2013 21:21:26 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 74
2/1/2013 21:23:09   
UnderSoul
Member

@Travis Glad you like it. Yours is rather intriguing as well.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 75
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