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RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary

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2/6/2013 8:49:40   
Tep Itaki
Friendly!


 @Trainz: Well it has been....3 years since I was a total grammar nazi. I might be getting rusty...grammar classes, here I come!
Also, thank you for the review as I've updated my story to your corrections and corrected the confusion. And what can I say? It's something to keep your interest -insert evil laughter here- *stops and clears throat* I'm glad you liked the scene with the pets

REVIEWS
@White Knight: Your second story has less of a fantasy setting this time, compared to your previous story. I will be doing your review in bits and pieces mainly because of the grammar....I've really meaning to do this ever since it came into my head. GRAMMAR TIME! *pulls out red pen* -insert evil laughter here- let's do this thing.
quote:

1. Faster, go, go, get out of here
2. I shouted, in a dark sewer.
3. I never expected his outcome
4. escaped the sewer. My boots
5. I climbed the staircase<>, as daunting as it was, it posed no threat to me this time around, no monsters even took hint of my journey, I climbed in nothing but my cleaned armor, and a white cloak which hid me in this wretched snow storm.
6. amazing mountain.
"It has
7. Something changed, someone must have joined them, someone told them everything from the beginning to start about Harvagd, they knew of almost every secret entrance.
8. No, impossible<> someone was on the inside
9. successor, I knew
10. mocked Galfio.
I recollected
11. I am Paul, I am
12. we receive to
13. paladins, I feared
14. a final hint, after this we would
15. alone most of the time<> gathering the
16. places, don't worry.<>
17. so I planed 20 hours
18. width, it had runes
19. When I was out of shot, I began to sprint.
20. magical spell<> a hooded ma
21. "No."
22. as my a dark expression
23. fool. you are too late,
24. "So the mission

1.) Faster! Go, go! Get
2.) There's no need for a comma between shouted and in a dark sewer
3.) This
4.) You can create separate the two sentences here by turning the latter sentence into the start of a new paragraph.
"...escaped the sewer.

My boots..."
5.) A run-on sentence. You need to use periods and/or use of semi/colons

Because | ; | . | delete this comma
6.) needs one more space between them but that's just me.
7.) ...changed. Someone | ; or .
8.) . Someone
9.) .
10.) add an extra space here and use 
[i][/i]
on everything after Galfio and before Part II because as you recollect the past, you must have something to separate the present so you don't confuse the reader.
11.) .
12.) received
13.) remove the comma and replace it with as
14.) .
15.) ,
16.) "
17.) planned
18.) . It
19.) I was confused here. Did you mean "out of range" or "distanced myself far enough"?
20.) ,
21.) !
22.) delete this
23.) Capitalize the y in you
24.) Again, use of the italics here to show the scene shifted to the present. I say this because the scene is mainly focused on the past that the present is overshadowed in the couple of chapters I've read.

Re-read your work and check to see if you can spot any spelling errors or grammar mistakes that you can fix on your own. You may find a way to change some parts of your story for the better. Plot-wise, it's a good read. From what I've read, the mood continues to stay dark and somber. I like where you're going with this. Will be continuing in bits and pieces.

@Sir Nicholas: First of all, love how you begin every chapter with the character speaking. I will also review your story in bits and pieces. Now for the first chapter. Quite the tactical approach with your story. I like it as I am not so great with such things. The detailing you've put into it is phenomenal(which caused me to almost smelling the undead). I like it and will continue to read after my chapter's done.

@Falerin: It's...quite the wall of text. Not that I get to judge... *looks at own war story* Will get to reading it soon...(am just scared of the large wall of text due to time constraints)

@Dragonlord: I like your story of your character's memories of the previous paladin and necro war. I find it interesting that the necromancers had to rely on the shadowscythes to win the war and how villagers bought their safety out of fear. Short, simple and to the point that this war is just a repeat of history.

@kors: A chronomancer...nice start into the story there.
quote:

1. Nate, Madara<>why have
2. Madara had<> spoken first
3. battle so close<> Kor


1.) . Why
2.) not
3.) ,

I'll stop on part 2 for now. Very little grammar mistakes to the end of chapter 2. The story seems interesting, especially how TWK is portrayed as the grave threat. Can't wait to read more after my chapter is finished. Review in hand as well :3 People be paranoid during war.

@Darquess: Apologies for my tardiness but I was held up. *points to wall of text, story, AQGD, real life and ADHDD(that's right, my love of Pompoms can help me point to ADHDD[last two being disorderly disorder]) I will read your story in bits and pieces as well, up to chapter 4.
Nice little chunk of text before chapter 1.

quote:

1. possitivly
2. watchful eye's
3. organsied
4. behind, the maw
5. far<> far below him
6. tounge
7. much<> the ground
8. relive
9. darkness, poised
10. sheath. it glittered
11. whith
12. rushed forwards
13. wrist
tore the man apart.
14. Fortunatly
15. searching, awakening


1.) positively
2.) remove apostrophe
3.) organized
4.) capitalize the B in behind
5.) ,
6.) tongue
7.) ,
8.) relief?
9.) remove the comma
10.) capitalize the i
11.) with
12.) remove the s
13.) after wrist | combine tore the man apart with wrist so they are on the same line
14.) Fortunately
15.) replace the comma with and

@HotS: Love how it fits into the song. Nice job. Not much to say 'cept it's one of my favorite song of all times!

@Eschaton Thunder: A great prologue you've created. Curious about what this prophecy is, can't wait for it to be explained later on in the chapters.

@Oddball: Oooo, starting with a mystery~ nice. Not much to say 'cept I want to read more.

@Daimyo: Bits and pieces will be read! You've really put a lot of time and effort into this judging by the size of it. However, a story about Cysero? Oh dearie me.
Stopping at the part where Cysero and Warlic meets. It's a good light-hearted story with a good sense humor. You've done a good job. I'm curious how this will relate to necromancer and paladin war.

@Orodalf: Wouldn't it have been easier to quote sections of his story that has the mistakes, bold them and under the quote box you have the correct grammar?

Ugh...so many stories, so little time....And lately I've been falling asleep without realizing it, thus using up more of my time that I don't have. 24 hours is not enough time....methinks I'm overworked.

The next chapter, Brother My Brother will be up soon.

< Message edited by Tep Itaki -- 2/6/2013 8:53:09 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 151
2/6/2013 9:06:17   
ArchMagus Orodalf
Member

Tep Itaki: The whole story has mistakes. >>
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 152
2/6/2013 9:13:33   
Seth Hydra
How We Roll Winner
Nov14


 So can any1 give me an opinion on my excerpt?
http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=21070799&mpage=1&key=�
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 153
2/6/2013 10:17:01   
Tep Itaki
Friendly!


 @Orodalf: I see >>;; Well I haven't read it yet but I'll trust your words. Sounds similar to a white armor wearing fellow's second story.

@ss: Yours seem relatively small. I'll give it a read.

< Message edited by Tep Itaki -- 2/6/2013 10:19:45 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 154
2/6/2013 11:29:56   
Darquess
Member

What did you actualy think of the story?
I can change the text,7and by the time you read this I probably will have.

Don't quote me on that though...

EDIT: I could not find Positively.

Fixed the rest.

EDIT:

You're brief respite is nearly over.
The chapters will continue tomorow morning which is in... 10 hours.
Get reading chaps!

< Message edited by Darquess -- 2/6/2013 16:04:29 >
Post #: 155
2/6/2013 16:20:46   
Uskius
Member

Going to post part of my story in a little bit... but, it's an eensy weensy bit on the long side and I'll have to split it up and post the second part outside of the war stories thread.

And holy literature, Batman! These stories are EPIC! This is just what I was hoping for. :3 Can't wait for all the updates and new tales.

Posted! I kind of imagined A Place Only You Can Go by NEEDTOBREATHE being the outro song for part one.

< Message edited by Uskius -- 2/6/2013 19:30:49 >
AQ Epic  Post #: 156
2/6/2013 16:46:22   
The White Knight
Member

Due to the fact my fingers ... well look like I am trying to be spock, and that I am on my phone/@school I have to say Tep, I SHOULD re-read my work, but Bold should be used for scene shifting (Which I guess made sense, I just assumed every1 realized it shifted.) Italics is used for noises !
AQ DF  Post #: 157
2/6/2013 20:14:45   
Travis Touchdown
Reality Touchdown!


 I suspect that I'll begin writing my third chapter in the morning, as the midwar cutscene will have come out... I've already got a rough idea as to where I'm going with this, but I'm going to want to see how things play out in-game. After all I might be switching my allegiance based on the revelations that come out of that, and I would hate to write myself into a corner.

A small point of reference to those who intend to reference Death's Kid and/or his actions in the next little while-- currently, he is still hunkered down in that unnamed Undead village that he fought in the most recent chapter. Tep encountered him near the war camp at one point, but this was one of the only times that he's left the village since around the time that the war began, and only to stock up on supplies for the short term. This *might* change before the end of the war, depending on how things play out, but for the moment that's where he's situated.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 158
2/6/2013 20:35:24   
kors
Member

Part VII is up! Added titles to the previous parts and added some of the suggest fixes to my grammer(surprised that there were not more in the first two parts ). TWK should like the name of Part VIII . It has been rare that I write this much in so little time. 8.5ish pages, currently posted version has exactly 4370 words so far, I rarely do more than a few pages but I am nearing double digits far quicker than I expected. This has definitely been worth the effort!

@TWK: yeash you killed me? At least you revived me. Oh well I was planning the same for you!

< Message edited by kors -- 2/6/2013 22:01:45 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 159
2/6/2013 21:58:06   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


 Last chapter before the fight is up.
AQ  Post #: 160
2/6/2013 21:59:12   
The White Knight
Member

Le finished. Part 8 is done., thank you for any feedback, @TEP I will fix those in a while !
AQ DF  Post #: 161
2/6/2013 22:40:08   
Sir Nicholas
Member

Uskius, your work is very impressive. I admit I am deeply fascinated by your story, the feel of the characters, and the general atmosphere. Really good work!

I also want to say, thank you to everyone that has read my story - and for your reviews, thank you, it helps to learn from my mistakes. I'll be completing this story right around the time the war draws to a close.

Here's hoping that it doesn't come anytime soon, but when it does, I hope it is with a paladin victory.

I imagine, were it not for the fever pitch on both sides, we could keep the war going another ten days!

< Message edited by Sir Nicholas -- 2/6/2013 22:41:44 >
AQ  Post #: 162
2/6/2013 22:55:49   
UnderSoul
Member

@kors
quote:

Flashbang kept on firing bolt after bolt at the the dracolich once Popin slayed a skeletal horse. They needed to take that dracolich down soon or it’s foul, magic breath would make short work of them. The dracolich came closer and closer still. He fired again and again only clipping the wings on the best shots.

Should be "its".
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 163
2/7/2013 0:05:11   
Tep Itaki
Friendly!


 Brother My Brother is up. Please tell me your opinions, review and critiques if you have them. Good or bad. If bad, be as harsh as you can, so long as you provide examples of why. Thank you. Next chapter will be up soon. But for now...*pulls out glasses with a pompom in the middle* It's review time.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 164
2/7/2013 0:12:25   
The White Knight
Member

@Tep itaki, I would love a part 8 review, also I left you a little special thanks !!!

Brother My Brother review. I am loving what you had done with the journalist look and I am loving the story as of now. I caught the Dark Knight reference you made where Tep grabbed Zombay ! Extra points for that !

< Message edited by The White Knight -- 2/7/2013 0:17:59 >
AQ DF  Post #: 165
2/7/2013 0:32:04   
Tep Itaki
Friendly!


 @TWK: Wait..I made a Dark Knight reference? Huh I didn't realize that, then again, Tep is genuinely angry.

I now have some time for reviews now that I have finished Brother My Brother (reference to a song in a pokemon movie)

< Message edited by Tep Itaki -- 2/7/2013 0:36:50 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 166
2/7/2013 0:37:09   
The White Knight
Member

@Tep Itaki

quote:

Tep grabbed Zombay by his cloak and threw him on the ground, still clenching on the black cloak, and bellowed, "What did you do to her!?" Zombay smirked as Tep continued, "Answer me!"


Skip to 3:00... Look familiar? (stops at like 4~)
AQ DF  Post #: 167
2/7/2013 0:49:56   
Tep Itaki
Friendly!


 >.>;; I do see it. The angry Tep and the taunting Zombay

EDIT: Updated a small part of the story

quote:

before closing her eyes and letting go of her grip on Artimix's arm.


< Message edited by Tep Itaki -- 2/7/2013 2:05:24 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 168
2/7/2013 0:57:59   
The White Knight
Member

Yup... ! Did anyone like Part 8 ?

New story !!!

< Message edited by The White Knight -- 2/7/2013 3:01:34 >
AQ DF  Post #: 169
2/7/2013 7:27:19   
Trainz_07
Member

Chapter 4, Silence and Slaughter has been added to the story. I welcome any comments and critique, and I hope you enjoy the chapter.

Ahh more story updates I see, unfortunately I'll have to recover before reading them, chapter 4 was exhausting.
AQ  Post #: 170
2/7/2013 11:06:14   
Darquess
Member

Okay, so the cutscene added a mystery magic cloud of DYABOLICAL EVIL!!! to the procedings...

So I might mention that if Commander Grey ever looks up.

Chapter Ten is coming, and there are alot of dead bodies in it.
Plus, it has the end of the boss fight and the begining of the battle for Granemor.

EDIT: And have finished said chapter.

You are going to like it, right up till the end...

Well, the war has to go on dosn't it?

< Message edited by Darquess -- 2/7/2013 16:11:47 >
Post #: 171
2/7/2013 16:43:11   
Sir Nicholas
Member

I'm getting ready to make the next chapter of my story. I've decided instead it will consist of six chapters instead of the originally planned five. I also intend for there to be a few twists in here.

Prepare to be dazzled.

_____________________________

Jesse, Elda, Marcus, Jolana, Vegalok, Damien, Eliac - I remember you all. Wherever you are, I hope you are all safe.

And Falerin, I hope you have found peace.
AQ  Post #: 172
2/7/2013 16:54:50   
Muchiha
Member

*SIGHS HEAVILY*

All you writers owe me a giant cookie. That's a lot of stories to read :D When I was about to post a review one of y'all just had to update it at that moment. xD

Chapter 3 and 4 of my war story coming out shortly!

EDIT: CHAPTER 3 and 4 posted! YEEEUUHH


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



War Story Reviews at this point in time (some stories are completed)


@flashbang:

Pre-War Necro side: Awsome start to the action. Very nice touch at the end with the Paladins attacking.

Mid-War Paladin side: Very descriptive in terms of sounds and action. That was very kind for the two Paladins to help their own comrade in their time of need. It really displays the humility some Paladins have.

Mid-War Necro side: The conflict at the beginning is great. And it seems my character appears yet again. Another fun instalment to read.

BONUS SECTION: Hilarious ending with the dance party and the sporks!

Overall thoughts so far: flashbang, thank you so much for including me in your War Story. I am entranced by your action scenes and the fast-paced plot.



@Elryn:

Prologue: An adrenaline filled beginning that gets the reader’s attention right from the start. Extremely detailed that incorporates three of the five senses: sight, touch, and sound.

Divided: It emphasizes the tough conflict the great Warmage faces. Elryn’s inner thoughts displays his fairness, compassion, and regret in watching his very own comrades war against one another. I wonder what he plans to do.

To War: Wonderful spotlight on the state of families for whose love ones are involved in the war. It really shows another side to this war that most of us writers haven’t covered.

Later at Yulgar’s Inn: It displays more of Elryn’s disdain to the current conflict. Knowing what he must do, as well as to come face to face with a dear old friend to bring him to his senses, the great Warmage prepares to head to the battlefield. A splendid set of instalments Elryn.

Last preparations: I didn’t know Elryn could use BlackAce’s gear portals. Amazing!

At Yulgar’s Inn: I hope Elryn can find Dravan and Dorsht. Great visual descriptions as usual.

Overall thoughts: Well done Elryn. In the the several instalments you’ve posted, it manages to captivate the reader with vivid details, and the plot keeps readers guessing on what could possibly happen next.


@Travis Touchdown:

Day of Reckoning: I can’t stress enough how mysterious and bad-ass Death’s Kid is. His arsenal of tolls at his disposal includes fatal ranged weaponry to casting multi-elemental spells.

Overall thoughts: Wonderful descriptions of your character’s thoughts, personality, and actions. The mark of a very good writer.



@battlemaster25:

Chapter I: The Camp – Your character Storm Silverwing is extremely fun to read. He demonstrates his proficiency in wielding dark magic. I can’t wait to see him in action. The description of monsters for the camp for the Necromancer’s side is realistic. I like how you decided to mention all the types of Darkovian creatures and even the one or two Demons in the fray.

Chapter II: The Letter – This chapter truly got my attention. Storm Silverwing’s mother, a Paladin Commander giving her son the option to refrain from fighting for what he believes is right or face her in combat. So tragic, and leaves me wondering what could possibly happen to these two very important characters.

Chapter III: The War Begins – A thrilling start with great descriptions of the first sights and sounds of battle in this monumental war.

Chapter IV: A View from the Other Side – A great read! It’s nice to see the warcamp from the Paladins side. It shows the astuteness of Storm Silverwing’s mother, Juna.

Chapter V: The Attack – A thrilling beginning as a force of Paladins attack the unsuspecting Necromancers in their own camp. Descriptive as always battlemaster25, I can almost see and hear the loud explosion, the whoosh of the arrows hitting a couple of Paladins, and the heat and power of Storm Silvering’s sphere of darkness disintegrating the small Paladin group coming his way. And now, knowing full well who led this assault, Storm Silvering prepares to battle the person who he calls/once called…mother.

Overall thoughts so far: So far so good battlemaster25! A very intense conflict between a mother and her son. Great perspectives from both sides involved!



@Tep Itaki:

Unstable Calm: The unstable calm before the storm. Great descriptions of how the characters prepare for this upcoming war physically but more importantly, mentally.

Storm of War: Comrades attacking each other?! Hmmm, I wonder who was behind that illusion spell.

Necromncers’ Justification: Good amount of action and details for many of the monster involved on the Necromancers’ side. It was really random having Ubear just pop up :D. Great chapter Tep!

Paladins’ Resolution: Hahahaha! yes quite the fun chapter. It’s always nice to have some humour in a story. Great introductions to the likes of Golden Emperor, kalle29, and flashbang! Those monologues of your characters’ thoughts to themselves are good indicators of their current moods as the war goes on.

Brother My Brother: Such a moving chapter. I hope Rixi will be okay 

Overall thoughts so far: I love the monologues of your characters. Add in some humour at random times and what you have is a memorable War Story! Tep Itaki = Amazing writer.



@Trainz_07:

Chapter 1: Confrontation – Such explosive action with Scion and the Vampire Queen! My oh my! The details were spot on! I just had to re-read it again. Very well written Trainz_07

Chapter 2: Shadows – Vrael seems like quite the powerful Dracolich. I don’t think any Paladin would want to mess with him. Wonderful dialogue as well. What makes this chapter so unique is that you have included Navith and his legion of “the Forgotten.” Guess someone remembered them huh? xD

Chapter 3: Charming Conversation – You have included yet another iconic figure from Lore. Kaley Obsidia. It truly makes your character Scion, all the more important. While the necromancers have no choice but to fight to defend themselves, their comrades, and to practice their art, they do realize that they were forced into this position and would have tried to do other things than fight if they could. This chapter shows Kaley Obsidia and more importantly Scion’s wisdom and intelligence. A well thought out chapter Trainz_07!

Chapter 4: Silence and Slaughter: Treachery is unforgivable. I hope Scion gets his revenge on Alester.

Overall thoughts so far: Trainz_07, I admire how you made your character Scion multi-dimensional. A powerful and respected Necromancer. Someone who is approachable and intelligent. One who is known to powerful beings such as Navith. Apprentice to the great Kaley Obsidia, and the list shall go on and on as your story progresses. With Necromancers such as Scion, the Paladins stand no chance against us!



@She Ratchet:

Prologue: The area this prologue takes place in sets the stage for one of the biggest clashes the World of Lore has ever seen.

PART TWO: Another perspective from the Paladins’ side. Looks like Artix is ready to go all out in order to succeed in his plans. But Artix doesn’t know what his enemies have in store for him.

PART THREE: Incredible introduction to the supporting characters. Phrixus, UnderSoul (as Lord Scorpio), Lord Kiev, myself, etc. The discussions taking place are relevant and interesting to watch as the powerful Necro-leaders prepare for battle. Let’s see how we will react.

Overall thoughts so far: Perfect intro, with the initial perspective of the war camps on both sides. It is the perfect start that leaves readers waiting to see what will become of the mighty Necromancers and the Paladins.



@The White Knight:

Lost in the Dark

Prologue: Solid introduction to your story, your character, and supporting characters.

Part I: It displays the dedication of your character the White Knight, to his Order and cause.

Part II: A meeting of the Four Horsemen. What role shall they play in this war I wonder.

Part III: Heart-stopping chapter if I do say so myself.

Part IV: A thrilling instalment that demonstrates a fraction of the power the horsemen wield.

Part V: A solemn conclusion for the horsemen, with a little insight on the next generation of Necromancers and Paladins.


Duty

Part I: Wonderful dialogue and beginning for this second story.

Part II: A confrontation between two old friends Paul and Utgar, that swiftly ends as soon as it begins. Well scripted.

Part III: Suspenseful, with a cliffhabger ending!!! WOW!

Part IV: Explosive action and conclusion!

Part V: A new mission begins for the hero. It’s greatr that you included renown beings such as the Lady of Light.

Part VI: Preparations for an all out attack on a Necromancer stronghold. I can’t wait to see what shall unfold.

Part VII: Flash is lucky to have powerful allies such as Kors. Fast-paced and action packed to the brim.

Overall thoughts at this point: White Knight, I don’t know how you find the time to war like crazy and still write such amazing stories. Great job White Knight!!!



@Archmopecake:

Speech for the Paladins: An inspiring speech for the Paladin troops! No wonder a lot of Paladin forumites have been getting a large amount of War kills.



@Kalle29:

Kalle’s Story: That was very….unique. There were parts that did not make sense, but as the kids would say it…”YOLO”. So I guess that’s a good enough explanation. The tactical nuke was a nice touch. Overall, great job Kalle! Hilarious story! xD



@Cataclysm:

Prologue
The Proposal: I’ve always wanted to read a story about a mercenary. Good beginning Cataclysm!

Chapter One
Enter the Fray: Great perspective from the Paladin front. It also shows the inevitable meeting when Cataclysm must eventually face against his old friend, Elryn.



@Sir Nicolas:

Part One: Opening Stages - Wonderful action scene to start your story off.

Part 2: In the Face of the Enemy – An extensive amount of descriptions that shows the battlefield in terms of sight, sound, and smell.

Part 3: Hadiran’s Hundred – Terrific battle scene yet again Sir Nicolas!

Part 4: The Choice of Terms - A meeting of the two powerful leaders of their respective groups. Thanks for including the NecroLegion in this chapter Sir Nicolas!

Overall thoughts at this point: Action packed and keeps the reader entertained throughout the story. Never gets boring, and I think I shall re read it again once I have the free time. Great story Sir Nicolas!



@Falerin: You are such a intellectual and creative writer, while keeping in the bounds of AQ Canon. I don’t think anything else needs to be said. Well written story Falerin.



@Dwelling Dragonlord

Shadows of the Past: Great monologue and insight to this war Dwelling Dragonlord. Thank you for posting it 



@kors:

Part I: Arrival. – Splendid beginning to your story kors!

Part II: A task. – A mission presented by the great Kalen Obsidia herself. Kors must be well known throughout Lore. I can’t wait to see him in action!

Part III: To the battlefield! – An exciting buildup before battle.

Part IV: Raising the dead. – It’s quite the spectacle having a Necromancer treat an undead in a friendly manner rather than harshly putting them under control and abuse them for their own gain.

Part V: Full speed and beyond. – A satisfying amount of action with a suspenseful ending

Part VI: Necromancers and Paladins. – Excellent perspective from both sides of the battlefield.

Part VII: War. – Wonderful battle scene! As expected of a great writer. Awesome job kors!!!

Overall thoughts at this point: Extraordinary plot, dynamic characters, and a good dose of action. Thanks for including me in your story kors!



@Darquess:

When we go to war Chapters 1-9: Wonderful tale of Dyson. Another action packed story that shall be told for ages to come. Superb effort Darquess!



@Heroes of the Scape:

Not alive: Haha! Love the lyrics!!!! Wonderful post Heroes of the Scape!



@Eschaton Thunder:

Prologue: Such zealotry in this first chapter! xD I wonder what your character will do to accomplish this “cleansing” of his.

War: Day 2 – Muchiha’s Speech: Pleasing speech by my character. Ends with a cliffhanger! Can’t wait for the next instalment



@Oddball: So far so good Oddball! Keep going!



@Daimyo Daimyo: A crazy story as expected of a creative writer that really thinks outside the box. Thanks for posting this story of yours Daimyo Daimyo!



@ss2195:

Memoir 1: Opinions Great start ss2195! Descriptions, character introductions, and transitions all on point!



@Uskius: I can’t wait to read your next instalment. Great read Uskius!!!!



@UnderSoul:

The War Begins: I love how the conflict of this chapter begins with the introduction of your rivalry with popinloopy. And how both our characters celebrated with cake at the end of the first day!!!

In the Heat of Battle: Wonderful writing. The reader almost feels like they are actually there, watching the powerful figures cross swords noting every sound, the tension, of the battle scene enfolding right before their very eyes.

Genocide:Incredibly descriptive. It stresses the effects that war has on a person. The ending was written with passion and gives some insight on the harsh, realistic parallels to the wars of the real world.

Retaliation and Victory: A climatic battle sequence UnderSoul! From the threat of the “light nuke” (more like light fluke) by the Pala-mages to the hundreds of Pallys making a combined effort to succeed in their plans, and a moving war cry, that was powerful enough to wake our fallen bretheren from the dead and bring them back to life. As expected of the Commander-General of the NecroLegion!

A Midnight Meeting: A solemn conclusion. I believe that it is a very fitting ending with the two great leaders of the NecroLegion and the Palapact meeting each other as it happened in “The War Begins”. Although the war may already have a decisive victor, the rivalry the two share still remains. For what the future holds for them nobody knows. A fine chapter UnderSoul.

Overall thoughts: A well-written story, with its well roundedness. Action, suspense, drama, and so many more elements used in the right amounts and playing off one another to create a masterpiece. A job well done UnderSoul. A job well done!


I'll try and post the final reviews once all your stories are finished if I have the spare time.

Thank you all for posting such wonderful stories. I know you can't see me behind your computer screens, but I am giving you all a standing ovation, because all of you deserve it. Well done everyone!


< Message edited by Muchiha -- 2/7/2013 18:03:27 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 173
2/7/2013 19:59:44   
Tep Itaki
Friendly!


 Because I feel that I must do before all other reviews this after reading Daimyo's story...
@Daimyo: No!!! Not the Pom-Poms! *grabs Artimix's gold and tokens and goes out to buy all Pom-Poms* don't worry little Pom-Poms, mommy...I mean, daddy will save you!
Jokes aside...Reviews are being worked on....slowly.

Oh right. *pulls out a bag that has somethings inside trying to get out* Here are your bag of malicious cookies, take care when feeding them to your enemies XD


< Message edited by Tep Itaki -- 2/7/2013 20:04:08 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 174
2/7/2013 20:42:54   
Trainz_07
Member

@Muchiha Ohhhh so many reviews! You and Tep should be our resident reviewers :D *Bakes you a triple-fudge chocolate cookie* Thank you so much for your comments, I really appreciate it. And don't worry, Alester will be punished, and it's something you won't want to miss

I finished reading your latest two chapters as well; writing so many characters and giving them equal stage time, so to speak, is certainly a challenge and I commend you for it. I especially liked how you highlighted the spell names in red, very effective at catching one's attention (I'm this close to stealing your idea XD). The battle scenes were deftly crafted, and very reminiscent of anime battle scenes. The Gweenomancy was a nice touch. I hope you can find the time to update your story again.

@Elryn Brilliant prose as usual, and the gear portal device was fascinating. You succeeded in portraying your character as a maestro of magic. Looking forward to seeing how Elryn meets up with his companions.

@Tep Itaki

quote:

with a black cloak draping as the cape


I think you needn't include the cape part, I'm sure the readers will know what you mean when they see the word cloak.

quote:

Both sides were silent as they stared at each other, tension building up as the silence continued.


On occasions, I think it would serve you well to try not to use too many of the same word within the same sentence. In this case, perhaps you could use 'reticent'

quote:

The fact that I was the only one there not hit by it.


Hmm what do you mean by this?

quote:

"Zombay was here...and...he needs to be stopped."

"Understood. Tell me on the way."


Nothing really wrong here, I'd just like to suggest that you write a little about Artimix's reaction. I'm sure that he was a tad bit surprised the hear the news right?

quote:

chanted with a language of a dead tongue


The word tongue here already means language. Maybe you could write, 'chanted the words of a dead tongue'.

quote:

two figures appear over the hill with a smile on their face


Faces

quote:

Its long hair seemed alive as it moved a whimsically in the air


The 'a' should be omitted.


Now, I don't believe any amount of grammatical errors would change the fact that your chapter was quite amazing in many aspects. You have really displayed the unbreakable bond between the siblings and how no war would ever permanently erase that. Putting Zombay as the center of all the mysterious occurrences was a stroke of genius, and the foreshadowing in the first chapter really helped cement that. Great job overall

< Message edited by Trainz_07 -- 2/7/2013 20:44:34 >
AQ  Post #: 175
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