Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!
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I will address each thing by in order as you posted them. Some things I agree with, some I don't. Considering I wrote this story at 1am, a lot of the simple errors were due to it being so late at night. Since the goal of this course was to write, I didn't bother going back through it for grammatical corrections. I was more concerned about accomplishing the task of writing a Slice of Life story.
plural corrected.
Tara wasn't trailing off. She was interrupted. Generally, I have seen "--" indicate an interruption and "..." a trailing off. I think I will keep the writing as it is. His movement and head shaking is what makes her stop short. I mean, if I am talking and someone moves in a way to show disagreement, I tend to stop what I am saying. Their mere movement has interrupted my talking.
into corrected
made it into an exclamation point
The comma is actually an emphasis on action. It actually is very appropriate. I've actually asked a couple of writers I speak to and go to for critique and help and they didn't see an issue with the comma.
should have been point in
changed to although
changed to stood up
comma added
Now says: "Before she could knock on the door, it opened up as if an invisible hand gently pushed it."
threshold changed. I only get this right half the time. Annoying.
The awkwardness and length of this is intentional. It was done on purpose to emphasise just how "unprofessional" their acting and portrayals were compared to her refined and snobby self-confidence in acting. Will not be changing this.
I do not agree that "positive report" is too modern. I've read many stories and watched several shows that take place in a less modern time, where knights and swords reigned and people took positive/negative reports back to lords and noblemen.
gameplay changed. I assume word corrected that, since google and word are both telling me with angry red lines it is incorrect.
changed to will mean
a or the... in my mind it can go either way. I never said he was THE main knight. He may just be another knight of the table. Considering Tara is looking down on all this, her perspective isn't one for giving him any kind of wonderful distinction. Her choice of "a" was an insult, even if it as a thought.
hmm, errant comma, first of all before even looking at pronouns. And yes, I tend to do the pronoun thing when I am tired. Changed. "Sneaking a mischievous look, he winked at her before standing upright again."
I actually have "fare" correct on my class website... so why is it still on here?
Not quite sure why you think there has to be more than one Oroku mercenary here. It is possible that being attacked by one is bad enough to have concern verbalised.
Again, "fare" is on the other version. Weird...
Maybe this is a personal style thing, but I like "low-lit". Never heard the term "dim-lit" though.
hrm, yep definitely missed a "the"
Eh, pen is implied, and it would have too many "and" in the sentence. Sounds awkward to me. I like it the way it is.
pronoun fix "She pulled out her notebook and began to write out her notes, documenting every piece of prop and decoration, every step they took to give the "setting" authenticity. Shaking her head, she grimaced at the cruel surrounding they had set up for themselves. The costumes were a mismatch of materials, and she set about sketching them and noting how they could be improved."
fixed
The I is italicised in the original. Coding didn't transfer over.
them
hmmm, inserting that doesn't sound right, and I was told in a writing workshop the word "that" is actually an overused word and can be skipped for style and flow. Inserting "that" into the sentence just doesn't feel right to me. It makes it choppy and isn't necessary. Most beginning writers overuse it, thinking using it for emphasis is correct, but in reality, it isn't.
Perhaps it is personal style, or it flows better, but I am staying with "pen ready". "Pen at the ready" just seems way to clunky and overly formal.
"She watched them, though badly acting, move as one." Yeah, this sentence is a disaster. I know what it is supposed to say... and I wouldn't have thought twice about it on my own. As, since I know what it is supposed to mean, I would "read" it correctly. Changed to "She watched them, and though their acting was terrible, they moved as one."
Something about it pulled her in and she couldn't resist it.
changed
Actually, a comma was supposed to be a period. "She watched them smile. She watched them laugh. For the first time ever, Tara wanted that too." This was written like this on purpose. It was to emphasise that she was finally getting it. It's well used technique to show emphasis on something very important. You are meant to stop after each statement, because you are meant to come to the same conclusion, one by one.
It wasn't that he wasn't able to reach out to her. It was that he wouldn't. Inserting "able" in there changes the entire idea. He wouldn't because his heart wasn't in it.
Falling is actually perfect here. The woman is bawling, She is having an emotional breakdown, finally, after all this time of pent up sadness, frustration and need. Falling is the only way these tears are moving.
The meltdown started way before the crying. This is part of the show vs tell. Her yelling at her friend, her questioning why he gets to be happy and carefree. The insinuation in her words that it wasn't fair that he was experiencing everything she should, and she was the one who deserved to. He was watching a meltdown in progress, not just starting to see it.
I am not sure "sharply" will fit here. The action is in between a forceful shrug and an uncertain action. It's her best friend and part of her wants to push him away, part needs him to touch her. I will agree "to dislodge his hand" is a bit awkward and not exactly productive. Instead, will put this "She shrugged her shoulder, part of her wanting to pull away from him, but the other acknowledging this was her best friend."
fixed
I didn't specify a direction, because she isn't heading in any one direction. She's just fleeing. I never said if she was facing him, so turning away isn't a guarantee. You are supposed to feel a bit disoriented or undecided as you run with her.
Took out "now"
well-being
You've misread. The whole campus wasn't alerted. The people who are standard were alerted. Nurse, psychologist and those who work close with her or are friends. Anytime someone like a professor suspects a student is on the brink of taking his or her life, or doing damage to themselves, they are OBLIGATED to alert the right people. This is standard. It is not an over-reaction. If I was a professor who saw in a student the equivalent of a depression that could cause suicide or self-injury, I would do everything I could to make sure that student was watched. And, the theatre professors know she hates them. So, them personally approaching her would have the opposite desired affect.
hrm... I always felt I was laying in the grass when I looked up into the sky. I guess, if I can try to explain it, in this situation, she is a part of the scene. She is relaxed, enjoying her time with her LARPing friends, and is part of the world. I would consider her "on" the grass if it weren't a natural par of the scenery. Not sure if that made any sense. In my mind it did. I consulted with Ryu. He seemed to get where I am coming from. Guess that is a Eukism. I agree it should be lay, though.
tense fixed
The last sentence is fine as is. It's not supposed to be "perfect grammatically". Because, she is no longer stymied by perfection. She was, in fact, overjoyed. She was free from constraint, perfectionism and "what should be". Sometimes, you choose the way you state something to be a lesson or statement in, and of, itself.
quote:
1. You need to work much on your comma placement. As I said towards the start of this review, try speaking the line you've just written WITH proper pauses where you've used commas and if it feels off, then adjust the commas accordingly. You assume I don't read my writing out loud, where in fact I have repeatedly suggested to others to do that very thing. I do, in fact, read and reread what I write out loud and sometimes, to my husband.
If you have issue with placement of commas and periods, then you have to think that perhaps, that IS how I read things. That I write them to emphasise a way I said it out loud. I actually ended up adding and subtracting some punctuation while I went through your editing on my own, seeing as I realised some emphasis was missing in places.
I have seen misuse of commas and periods. I may have a couple of misplaced items, but I do not believe, and neither did a couple of people who have read this that I highly respect as writers, I was as terrible as you imply.
"Proper" pauses are subjective, as many writers write within the cadence and rhythm of the world they live in. Any editor will tell you that there are rules, but sometimes, given a writer's style, "supposed to" doesn't make sense.
quote:
2. Work on conjunctions. There is no call for shortening your sentences with full stops and commas. Using too many punctuation marks makes the action clunky and broken. Flow. Use all kinds of conjunctions, start each sentence with a new word, even the most impractical word for that context if you want to. But, as long as you know that the river must reach the sea, it can flow in and out of anywhere. There is time for flow, and time for emphasis. You seem to have missed that mark, as it became very apparent to me that about... halfway through your editing, you hadn't actually read the story first. You hadn't looked at the story as a story, gotten a feel for why it was written, who the characters were, what the emotions were that were woven in.
If you don't understand why anything was written in a given place, you cannot possibly understand the method to the writing. Punctuation, grammar and writing isn't just some mechanical method of putting words on paper. It is a method of conveyance. It is how you relate emotion, development, evolution and emphasis within the context of detail. There were many times you insisted on changes that changed the entire feel of the scene.
I will acknowledge I am not the most grammatically correct writer. But, I have spent enough time with writers to understand that punctuation is just as important at conveying what is going on as the words written.
quote:
3. Don't use words that are too flashy or technical. It makes the sentences needlessly longer and gives off an impression that you are just trying to show off your vocabulary to the reader.
As they say, Simplicity is the foundation stone of society. I reread this story several times. I fail to see where I used words that you apparently find too much for your enjoyment. You obviously have never spoken to me outside of the forums. I write with the same vocabulary I speak with. This is me.
I have had people say I am too verbose (been compared to Tolkien in that regard, which I took as a compliment by the way), but I have never had anyone complain I am using words that are too big for them to understand. And I certainly never had anyone complain I was too flashy.
You say simplicity is the foundation of society? I say that the fact that the world demands simplicity means it is failing to challenge and ask our younger generations to think. I have high expectations of my students. I use large words, extensive vocabulary for a reason. Younger people have been done a disservice by "simplifying" everything.
As for your question regarding how you conducted this critique. What you've done is more editing than critiquing. You pointed out every grammar mistake you could find and supplied me with your opinion on how it should be fixed. But, critiquing was not exactly what you did.
To critique someone means you look at their story and read it, and read it, and read it again until you are familiar with, and understand, the story. When I critique a story, I read it at least 3 times before I even begin to analyse and critique, which is why I take forever to do one. Then, you concentrate on the content of the story and give feedback on how the characterisation worked, how the plot progressed, how the details either helped or hurt the storytelling, etc.
Critiquing is about the content of the story, not the technical stuff like grammar and punctuation. Sure, some grammar and punctuation stuff can be pointed out if it detracts from the overall storytelling or doesn't help the reader visualise what he or she is reading.
Also, there were times when how you stated things made you sound as if you were above me in talent and ability. You may not have meant it, but that is how it came across. Critiquing is something you do with an equal, to encourage and help. And speaking of encouraging, not once did you have a positive thing to say about the story, which leads me to believe you didn't like it, or you didn't see anything good in it.
When giving a critique, both the negative and positive should be a part of what you do. A person learns through both methods. Too much positive and you are fake. Too much negative and you are seen as spiteful. Neither method will make the recipient feel good about their writing, when you get down to it.
I am grateful you looked through my story. You caught things that made me think about why I did a particular thing. You caught silly 1am type mistakes which I shouldn't be making ANYWAY.  I would have liked to know what you thought about the actual story. I would have liked to see if you truly understood what was going on as I wrote this Slice of Life story, because if you didn't, it means I failed. I would have liked to know if there was any redeeming qualities to my writing.
< Message edited by Eukara Vox -- 2/28/2013 0:35:54 >
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