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Writing through the Genres - my class 2013 Commentary

 
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2/15/2013 2:48:45   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Table of Contents
Overjoyed - Slice of Life
Weeping of the Sea - Fictional Autobiography
Hunting the Hunter - Mystery and Science Fiction



This semester, I am teaching a writing class where we explore creative writing through Various genres. I do the assignments I ask them to do. Hopefully, I succeed in each genre I challenge my students with. And I know, for a fact, several will be difficult for me.

Slice of Life

What exactly is a Slice of Life story? The very basic definition of this writing genre is to portray realistic characters traveling through an event in their lives, but the character growth is more important than an event or major plot point.

This can be difficult to write sometimes, because our natural tendency is to write about a major event, or problem and have the story revolve around that major plot point. But, slice of life stories is more about following or watching a character or group of characters as they travel through an event. Slice of life stories illustrate how the characters live, act, feel, react and develop because of the underlying plot point.

A good example of this would be a story about a high school junior who wants to buy a car for himself. Yes, the ultimate goal is to purchase the car, and the story will either end with him getting it or not, but the entire story revolves around how he has to go about getting it and how the process changes him, instills values or ideas in his head, and creates a new person in the end.

Caring about the journey is what slice of life is all about. It is clearly about the journey and growth of the character, not about the events the character is involved in. Things can be happening around the character, but the point is the character moving, experiencing and developing.

Wanting to see the character change is your goal.

Curiosity about the event and the main character(s) ability to handle that event is a sign you have succeeded. Your ending should be about how that character is changed and why. If you get to the end, and you cannot answer how the character changed and why, you have not written a true slice of life story.

Slice of life stories are not always exciting. They are not always going to pull in a person and keep them gripped and engaged. Most people don't want to read about how a character evolved and changed at the end of a story. Where's the action, the conflict resolution? Where is the progression of plot and the ultimate ending goal? People want to read about the world and the character in it, reacting to the world. Slice of life is having the world in the background, and concentrating on the character.

Fictional Autobiography

An autobiography is the real and factual account of a person's life, written by that person. It usually contains very personal and revealing information that only the writer could convey properly. An autobiography can be as intimate and personal as the author was to be.

A fictional autobiography is a twist on the autobiography. This type of writing requires you to become the fictional character you have in mind and write a personal account of a part of the character's life in the first person. You are writing that character's autobiography. Since this requires you to jump into the mind of your character, you need to know and understand the character you are using.

You cannot use a real person for this, as that would not be fictional. This will require you to use a new character, or one that you created at the beginning of the semester.

One of my suggestions is to really detail who your character is, know who they are, how they think, what they do, before writing your fictional autobiography. One of your prewriting activities for this story should be taking a character and really asking and answering all the characterisation points that I have in our class notes. Once you know who your character is, what they are like, how they think, then you can proceed to write a fictional biography.

The second thing you will need to figure out for this story is a moment or event in that character's life you will want to elaborate on.

Remember, this is a first person written story so make sure you are writing ONLY from that character's perspective.


< Message edited by Eukara Vox -- 4/11/2013 23:28:42 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 1
2/22/2013 0:53:06   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


First two stories of the class series posted. Hope you like them.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 2
2/22/2013 13:18:52   
Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14


Hey Eukara,

I read "Overjoyed" and I just wanted to ask you a question.

Why is it that you chose LARPing as the theme? Were you inspired by the numerous discussions in the RP Boards here or did it just click in your mind?

Also, I noticed a few punctuation mark errors and some places where I believe better alternatives should work. But, since you are the teacher, I'd like to take YOUR permission before I get to work pulling them out.

As such, a refreshing respite from Dragons, Knights and Magic.^^
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 3
2/22/2013 22:37:25   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


You don't need my permission. I always need an editor. Since I know what it's supposed to say, I often have trouble finding my own mistakes. It's been a problem for a long time.

LARPing just seemed the right thing for the story. A great way to teach an uptight drama major how to relax and feel her parts instead of just doing it. I've watched a LARP session in a local park and I guess to me, it was exactly what was needed.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 4
2/23/2013 14:43:17   
Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14


Alright then, let's jump right in.




Errors have been emboldened.

quote:

I don't know, Kendel. I mean, in drama I am acting out written script by people who are acknowledged masters. This... This is nothing like that! It's so--"


Scripts

quote:

Kendel put his fork down and shook his head. "Unscripted?" He leaned forward and looked in to her eyes. "You can't tell me that the great Tara Wordwroth is afraid of a little unscripted acting?"


Okay, notice that I've emboldened lines 1 & 2. That is because you lost the effect that Tara's trailing off had created in the previous paragraph. It should be written as:

"Unscripted?"
Kendel put his fork down and shook his head.


Do notice how this retains the effect that Kendel is cutting in.

into
________

Consider removing that question mark seeing as Kendel is stating. If you want to keep the question mark, consider changing the sentence to:

"You are telling me that the great Tara Wordwroth is afraid of a little unscripted acting?"

Notice how I turned the statement into an enquiry.

quote:

Tara narrowed her eyes and took a bite out of her roll, rather viciously. No, Kendel, I'm not. I just don't see the pointing this... Thing you are so in love with. It makes no sense!


That comma isn't necessary, it breaks the flow. Try speaking the sentence with proper pauses after you've written it and then you'll see where it feels off.
________

point in

quote:

Cross my heart, hope to die!" Though Kendel was trying to maintain a serious face, it wasn't working very well.


Consider "although".

quote:

We shall see about that," Tara scoffed. She stood with her tray and headed for the drop-off. Kendel watched, satisfied[...] and continued his meal.


stood up, stood gives a feeling of "was already standing there".
______

There needs to be a comma after "satisfied."

quote:

Before she could knock on the door, it opened up seemingly without any physical hand exerting force. The illusion was effective, but only made her groan slightly. A young woman, dressed in green robes looked out from behind the door and examined her carefully.


Focus, Eukky. Physical makes no sense here. In fact, just "hand" would do.
OR
If you really wanted to emphasize on the hand being human, consider the concept of ethereal and corporeal.

quote:

I daresay, my lord, that we have a naysayer in our midst. Should I let her cross the thresh hold?"


threshold


quote:

A familiar voice called out from within the house. "Do not let the lass's strange garments sway you to think ill of her. She is of a foreign land and must be present to learn of us and our ways, so that she may take a positive report back to her lord."


Okay, consider shortening the sentence to:

She is of a foreign land and wishes to learn of us and our ways.

This might alter your original meaning but you get the point.
_____

Consider changing the "positive report" to something less modern.


quote:

At that moment, Tara nearly turned around. This was beneath her. She still didn't know why she gave in. It wasn't like Kendel was being completely obnoxious about her coming around and watching their game play. But, for some reason, she was compelled to say yes. And now, she was regretting it. This was ridiculous.


gameplay


quote:

The young woman glared at Tara for a moment, then stepped aside. "You may enter. Be careful, lest a stray spell come your way. The Oroku are upon us and to be captured by one will be certain death."


Consider changing "will be" to "means".

quote:

Kendel entered the room, wearing gear that was meant to look like a knight's armour. Tara didn't think he did too bad, given the fact he had no artistic, nor theatre background. It passed, barely, for the goal he had intended. But, there was no denying it, he was not a noble knight. Perhaps a roughshod knight of a small kingdom in dire straits, but not a servant of a mighty king.


Consider changing "a" to "the".

quote:

My lady!" Kendel said in a smooth, if rough, English accent. He bowed, deferring to her. He looked up and winked, before standing straight again. "How do you fair this night? Hopefully, you were not assaulted by an Oroku mercenary?"


Too many sentences starting with the same pronoun, consider changing the sentence to:

Looking up, he winked before standing up again.

Also, "straight" is not necessary as I've shown in the altered sentence.
______

fare
______

"any Oroku mercenaries"


quote:

Tara stared at Kendel, who assumed she would respond in kind. "I fair fine, Kendel. I met no one on the way here."


fare


quote:

She was escorted into the back room, where they usually took their breakfast. It had been cleared, crude props erected and the back door propped open to reveal the small backyard, low-lit and empty. She shook her head. How can they play under such conditions? Surely this is the worst set anyone ever played on?


"dim-lit" or "dimly-lit".

quote:

Kendel escorted her to a chair, set just outside door in the yard. She pulled out her notebook and began to write out her notes. She documented every piece of prop and decoration, every step they took to give the "setting" authenticity. She shook her head at the cruel surrounding they had set up for themselves. She sketched their costumes and noted how they could be improved.


outside the door
______________

It's usually recommended to add the "pen" in the sentence too. Just saying.
______________

Do avoid starting consecutive sentences with the same pronoun.


quote:

Kendel and his friends played out their game for hours as Tara wrote out her assessment of the situation. She shook her head, groaned, and tapped her notebook as they seemed to ignore the crude surroundings and equipment. She was going to have a field day with Kendel tomorrow when she went over everything he needed to do to have a proper session.


he needed to do in order to have

quote:

What did I expect? I expected you to, I don't know, participate, not take notes on how you think we were doing it wrong!" Kendel's voice was low, his eyes actually looking hurt.


That first "I" could be in Italics for emphasis.



quote:

A slat in the fence was worn and weathered, giving her about an inch of viewspace. She sat down and settled in for the night. She watched hem speak, sing and laugh and cringed at their inexperienced voices and body language. She pulled her notebook out, determined to take notes about why it was they were so darn happy. Pen ready, she watched them carefully, noting a wrong move here, and badly placed piece of dialogue there.


them
________

why it was that they
________

Pen at the ready

quote:

Eventually, though, her pen stopped writing. She had forced herself to really watch them. She watched them, though badly acting, move as one. The story they were enacting was actually interesting. They moved as if they truly believed they were who they were dressed as.


I didn't get what that sentence meant.

quote:

Hesitant, she returned to the place along the fence several times over the next few weeks. Something about it pulled her in and she couldn't help the draw. Her professors no longer mattered, nor their threats. She took the roles she gave them, recited the lines they demanded and created the sets they dreamed. She did what was asked, but her mind was always on Kendel.


help but be drawn


quote:

Every night they played, they smiled, they messed up, they bumbled over their lines. Sometimes the story didn't make sense or didn't progress as they seem to want it too, yet, despite that, they pushed on and dealt with it. She watched as they changed with the flow, adapted and produced. She watched them smile. She watched them laugh, and for the first time, wanted that too.


they seemed to want it to
_______________

If you've used "despite that", you don't nees to add the "yet" before it.
______________

There should be a comma between those sentences, not a full stop.

quote:

Excuse me?" He turned around, looking into her troubled eyes. He had noticed something was bothering her. He had heard rumours that the favoured Tara Wordwroth had fallen from grace in the theatre department. It had killed him to no reach out to her, but how he had felt after the last time they spoke, he didn't have the heart to.


A number of errors here. Let me rephrase the line:

It had killed him to not be able to reach out to her, but after how he had felt the last time they spoke, he didn't have the heart to.

quote:

Kendel watched as tears fell down her cheeks. He felt helpless as his friend was having an emotional meltdown. People passed by them, staring. But, it didn't seem like Tara cared, which was odd. Appearances meant everything to her.


rolled down
______________

was starting to have an emotional meltdown
_____________

which was odd since appearances meant everything to her

quote:

It's not fair! It's not fair! Why do you get to be the one having fun acting? You aren't even an actor! You are a stupid ecology major who is going to spend his life behind machines and analyzing data, away from crowds, away from stages." She shrugged her shoulder to dislodge his hand. She thought it would feel better to confront him, but it only felt worse. "It's just not fair."


Simply:

She shrugged his hand away sharply
_____________

She had thought it would feel better


quote:

She ran, ignoring the person her shoulder slammed into, causing her to stumble. She ignored Kendel's voice, as he called out to her to get her to come back. And, above all, she ignored her heart and mind's attempt to get her to see reason.


"She turned and ran" or "pushing Kendel aside, she ran away". Specify the direction.
__________

called out to her to come back

quote:

Outside the fence again. Just like the other nights, each one running into the next. She didn't care about her classes anymore. She didn't care about the professor's now concern over her wellbeing. What she didn’t know is that they were afraid they had caused this and had alerted the campus nurse and psychologist. Those around her were alerted to watch her carefully
.

professor's "new concern" or "fresh concern".

well-being
_____________

know was that
_____________

Also, don't you think that alerting the whole campus to just keep an eye on one person just because someone thinks it's their fault that the person is sick is a bit... too much?


quote:

Tara laid in the grass, looking up at the night sky. The stars were bright that night, brighter than any other night that week. "Sir Jorwain, do you see the stars tonight? Perhaps a portent of things to come?"


Tara lay on the grass

quote:

Lady Serenity smiles slightly and sighs. "Morgaith, Sir Jorwain, such a destiny would be good. But, I daresay, the journey would take the path of the spirits and show hardship."


Change to past tense.

quote:

And Tara was overjoyed.


"And Tara felt overjoyed" or just "Tara felt overjoyed."

End of Review





Phew, finally finished with the review.^^

I have tried to cover most if not all important points and here's my final analysis for your story "Overjoyed".

1. You need to work much on your comma placement. As I said towards thecstart of this review, try speaking the line you've just written WITH proper pauses where you've used commas and if it feels off, then adjust the commas accordingly.

2. Work on conjunctions. There is no call for shortening your sentences with full stops and commas. Using too many punctuation marks makes the action clunky and broken. Flow. Use all kinds of conjunctions, start each sentence with a new word, even the most impractical word for that context if you want to. But, as long as you know that the river must reach the sea, it can flow in and out of anywhere.

3. Don't use words that are too flashy or technical. It makes the sentences needlessly longer and gives off an impression that you are just trying to show off your vocabulary to the reader.
As they say, Simplicity is the foundation stone of society.

***
*****
***

So there, I've never done a review this in-depth and I feel truly honored that I start with your work. I hope you enjoyed reading my review and I hope I've done it right.^^

My best regards,
Arthur~




< Message edited by Arthur -- 2/24/2013 10:21:17 >
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 5
2/28/2013 0:21:26   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


I will address each thing by
  • in order as you posted them. Some things I agree with, some I don't. Considering I wrote this story at 1am, a lot of the simple errors were due to it being so late at night. Since the goal of this course was to write, I didn't bother going back through it for grammatical corrections. I was more concerned about accomplishing the task of writing a Slice of Life story.

  • plural corrected.

  • Tara wasn't trailing off. She was interrupted. Generally, I have seen "--" indicate an interruption and "..." a trailing off. I think I will keep the writing as it is. His movement and head shaking is what makes her stop short. I mean, if I am talking and someone moves in a way to show disagreement, I tend to stop what I am saying. Their mere movement has interrupted my talking.

  • into corrected

  • made it into an exclamation point

  • The comma is actually an emphasis on action. It actually is very appropriate. I've actually asked a couple of writers I speak to and go to for critique and help and they didn't see an issue with the comma.

  • should have been point in

  • changed to although

  • changed to stood up

  • comma added

  • Now says: "Before she could knock on the door, it opened up as if an invisible hand gently pushed it."

  • threshold changed. I only get this right half the time. Annoying.

  • The awkwardness and length of this is intentional. It was done on purpose to emphasise just how "unprofessional" their acting and portrayals were compared to her refined and snobby self-confidence in acting. Will not be changing this.

  • I do not agree that "positive report" is too modern. I've read many stories and watched several shows that take place in a less modern time, where knights and swords reigned and people took positive/negative reports back to lords and noblemen.

  • gameplay changed. I assume word corrected that, since google and word are both telling me with angry red lines it is incorrect.

  • changed to will mean

  • a or the... in my mind it can go either way. I never said he was THE main knight. He may just be another knight of the table. Considering Tara is looking down on all this, her perspective isn't one for giving him any kind of wonderful distinction. Her choice of "a" was an insult, even if it as a thought.

  • hmm, errant comma, first of all before even looking at pronouns. And yes, I tend to do the pronoun thing when I am tired. Changed. "Sneaking a mischievous look, he winked at her before standing upright again."

  • I actually have "fare" correct on my class website... so why is it still on here?

  • Not quite sure why you think there has to be more than one Oroku mercenary here. It is possible that being attacked by one is bad enough to have concern verbalised.

  • Again, "fare" is on the other version. Weird...

  • Maybe this is a personal style thing, but I like "low-lit". Never heard the term "dim-lit" though.

  • hrm, yep definitely missed a "the"

  • Eh, pen is implied, and it would have too many "and" in the sentence. Sounds awkward to me. I like it the way it is.

  • pronoun fix "She pulled out her notebook and began to write out her notes, documenting every piece of prop and decoration, every step they took to give the "setting" authenticity. Shaking her head, she grimaced at the cruel surrounding they had set up for themselves. The costumes were a mismatch of materials, and she set about sketching them and noting how they could be improved."

  • fixed

  • The I is italicised in the original. Coding didn't transfer over.

  • them

  • hmmm, inserting that doesn't sound right, and I was told in a writing workshop the word "that" is actually an overused word and can be skipped for style and flow. Inserting "that" into the sentence just doesn't feel right to me. It makes it choppy and isn't necessary. Most beginning writers overuse it, thinking using it for emphasis is correct, but in reality, it isn't.

  • Perhaps it is personal style, or it flows better, but I am staying with "pen ready". "Pen at the ready" just seems way to clunky and overly formal.

  • "She watched them, though badly acting, move as one." Yeah, this sentence is a disaster. I know what it is supposed to say... and I wouldn't have thought twice about it on my own. As, since I know what it is supposed to mean, I would "read" it correctly. Changed to "She watched them, and though their acting was terrible, they moved as one."

  • Something about it pulled her in and she couldn't resist it.

  • changed

  • Actually, a comma was supposed to be a period. "She watched them smile. She watched them laugh. For the first time ever, Tara wanted that too." This was written like this on purpose. It was to emphasise that she was finally getting it. It's well used technique to show emphasis on something very important. You are meant to stop after each statement, because you are meant to come to the same conclusion, one by one.

  • It wasn't that he wasn't able to reach out to her. It was that he wouldn't. Inserting "able" in there changes the entire idea. He wouldn't because his heart wasn't in it.

  • Falling is actually perfect here. The woman is bawling, She is having an emotional breakdown, finally, after all this time of pent up sadness, frustration and need. Falling is the only way these tears are moving.

  • The meltdown started way before the crying. This is part of the show vs tell. Her yelling at her friend, her questioning why he gets to be happy and carefree. The insinuation in her words that it wasn't fair that he was experiencing everything she should, and she was the one who deserved to. He was watching a meltdown in progress, not just starting to see it.

  • I am not sure "sharply" will fit here. The action is in between a forceful shrug and an uncertain action. It's her best friend and part of her wants to push him away, part needs him to touch her. I will agree "to dislodge his hand" is a bit awkward and not exactly productive. Instead, will put this "She shrugged her shoulder, part of her wanting to pull away from him, but the other acknowledging this was her best friend."

  • fixed

  • I didn't specify a direction, because she isn't heading in any one direction. She's just fleeing. I never said if she was facing him, so turning away isn't a guarantee. You are supposed to feel a bit disoriented or undecided as you run with her.

  • Took out "now"

  • well-being

  • You've misread. The whole campus wasn't alerted. The people who are standard were alerted. Nurse, psychologist and those who work close with her or are friends. Anytime someone like a professor suspects a student is on the brink of taking his or her life, or doing damage to themselves, they are OBLIGATED to alert the right people. This is standard. It is not an over-reaction. If I was a professor who saw in a student the equivalent of a depression that could cause suicide or self-injury, I would do everything I could to make sure that student was watched. And, the theatre professors know she hates them. So, them personally approaching her would have the opposite desired affect.

  • hrm... I always felt I was laying in the grass when I looked up into the sky. I guess, if I can try to explain it, in this situation, she is a part of the scene. She is relaxed, enjoying her time with her LARPing friends, and is part of the world. I would consider her "on" the grass if it weren't a natural par of the scenery. Not sure if that made any sense. In my mind it did. I consulted with Ryu. He seemed to get where I am coming from. Guess that is a Eukism. I agree it should be lay, though.

  • tense fixed

  • The last sentence is fine as is. It's not supposed to be "perfect grammatically". Because, she is no longer stymied by perfection. She was, in fact, overjoyed. She was free from constraint, perfectionism and "what should be". Sometimes, you choose the way you state something to be a lesson or statement in, and of, itself.


    quote:

    1. You need to work much on your comma placement. As I said towards the start of this review, try speaking the line you've just written WITH proper pauses where you've used commas and if it feels off, then adjust the commas accordingly.
    You assume I don't read my writing out loud, where in fact I have repeatedly suggested to others to do that very thing. I do, in fact, read and reread what I write out loud and sometimes, to my husband.

    If you have issue with placement of commas and periods, then you have to think that perhaps, that IS how I read things. That I write them to emphasise a way I said it out loud. I actually ended up adding and subtracting some punctuation while I went through your editing on my own, seeing as I realised some emphasis was missing in places.

    I have seen misuse of commas and periods. I may have a couple of misplaced items, but I do not believe, and neither did a couple of people who have read this that I highly respect as writers, I was as terrible as you imply.

    "Proper" pauses are subjective, as many writers write within the cadence and rhythm of the world they live in. Any editor will tell you that there are rules, but sometimes, given a writer's style, "supposed to" doesn't make sense.

    quote:

    2. Work on conjunctions. There is no call for shortening your sentences with full stops and commas. Using too many punctuation marks makes the action clunky and broken. Flow. Use all kinds of conjunctions, start each sentence with a new word, even the most impractical word for that context if you want to. But, as long as you know that the river must reach the sea, it can flow in and out of anywhere.
    There is time for flow, and time for emphasis. You seem to have missed that mark, as it became very apparent to me that about... halfway through your editing, you hadn't actually read the story first. You hadn't looked at the story as a story, gotten a feel for why it was written, who the characters were, what the emotions were that were woven in.

    If you don't understand why anything was written in a given place, you cannot possibly understand the method to the writing. Punctuation, grammar and writing isn't just some mechanical method of putting words on paper. It is a method of conveyance. It is how you relate emotion, development, evolution and emphasis within the context of detail. There were many times you insisted on changes that changed the entire feel of the scene.

    I will acknowledge I am not the most grammatically correct writer. But, I have spent enough time with writers to understand that punctuation is just as important at conveying what is going on as the words written.

    quote:

    3. Don't use words that are too flashy or technical. It makes the sentences needlessly longer and gives off an impression that you are just trying to show off your vocabulary to the reader.
    As they say, Simplicity is the foundation stone of society.
    I reread this story several times. I fail to see where I used words that you apparently find too much for your enjoyment. You obviously have never spoken to me outside of the forums. I write with the same vocabulary I speak with. This is me.

    I have had people say I am too verbose (been compared to Tolkien in that regard, which I took as a compliment by the way), but I have never had anyone complain I am using words that are too big for them to understand. And I certainly never had anyone complain I was too flashy.

    You say simplicity is the foundation of society? I say that the fact that the world demands simplicity means it is failing to challenge and ask our younger generations to think. I have high expectations of my students. I use large words, extensive vocabulary for a reason. Younger people have been done a disservice by "simplifying" everything.

    As for your question regarding how you conducted this critique. What you've done is more editing than critiquing. You pointed out every grammar mistake you could find and supplied me with your opinion on how it should be fixed. But, critiquing was not exactly what you did.

    To critique someone means you look at their story and read it, and read it, and read it again until you are familiar with, and understand, the story. When I critique a story, I read it at least 3 times before I even begin to analyse and critique, which is why I take forever to do one. Then, you concentrate on the content of the story and give feedback on how the characterisation worked, how the plot progressed, how the details either helped or hurt the storytelling, etc.

    Critiquing is about the content of the story, not the technical stuff like grammar and punctuation. Sure, some grammar and punctuation stuff can be pointed out if it detracts from the overall storytelling or doesn't help the reader visualise what he or she is reading.

    Also, there were times when how you stated things made you sound as if you were above me in talent and ability. You may not have meant it, but that is how it came across. Critiquing is something you do with an equal, to encourage and help. And speaking of encouraging, not once did you have a positive thing to say about the story, which leads me to believe you didn't like it, or you didn't see anything good in it.

    When giving a critique, both the negative and positive should be a part of what you do. A person learns through both methods. Too much positive and you are fake. Too much negative and you are seen as spiteful. Neither method will make the recipient feel good about their writing, when you get down to it.

    I am grateful you looked through my story. You caught things that made me think about why I did a particular thing. You caught silly 1am type mistakes which I shouldn't be making ANYWAY. I would have liked to know what you thought about the actual story. I would have liked to see if you truly understood what was going on as I wrote this Slice of Life story, because if you didn't, it means I failed. I would have liked to know if there was any redeeming qualities to my writing.


    < Message edited by Eukara Vox -- 2/28/2013 0:35:54 >
  • AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 6
    4/11/2013 23:29:11   
    Eukara Vox
    Legendary AdventureGuide!


    Hunting the Hunter - Mystery and Science Fiction

    :)
    AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 7
    4/12/2013 1:40:17   
    Gianna Glow
    Member

    OK, I read a lot of manga (not exactly fine literature, i admit), but my one of my favorite genre.. so seeing it outside of a manga is superb and its absolutely gorgeous! Bravo Euki! I loved it.

    And i saw some people "LARPING" at a park and i was fell in love with it, so i loved the subject matter.
    DF MQ AQW  Post #: 8
    4/12/2013 21:49:33   
      Gingkage
    Wolf Rider


    I was going to wait to start my comments until I'd read all the stories, but then I read this in your 'Slice of Life' story

    quote:

    "Cross my heart, hope to die!" Although Kendel was trying to maintain a serious face, it wasn't working very well.


    And the mental image I got was just far too funny.

    The one and only error I found was here
    quote:

    Kendel was going to have a field day with Kendel tomorrow when she went over everything he needed to do in order to have a proper session.


    I believe the first 'Kendel' was supposed to say 'Tara.'

    I loved reading 'Overjoyed.' Despite what you said in the first post about Slice of Life stories not always pulling in the reader, this one pulled me in and kept me there. I went from disliking Tara and thinking she was arrogant and stuck-up to being brought to the verge of tears in sorrow for her. I play dnd every week. It's one of my favorite things to do, so I understand what it's like to live, if only for a few hours, in another world. Seeing just how confused Tara was, seeing how little she understood that acting was more than just getting your lines perfect, but also actually enjoying what you do... It was heartbreaking to read. And then that same sorrow turned to genuine happiness for a character that only a few paragraphs ago I disliked for how conceited she was. The only word I have to truly describe that story is 'beautiful,' which is a shame, because that still doesn't, in my mind, do it justice.



    I didn't understand the Fictional Autobiography. One second, I thought it was written from the perspective of the king's son, and then it seemed to be written from someone else's perspective. Can you possibly explain what I missed to cause me so much confusion?

    I did enjoy the personification of the sea, though. Instead of a person carrying my emotions, as in 'Overjoyed' the sea was the fulfiller of that role. I felt with the sea. When the sea wept, I was sad. When the sea was angry, I felt it. I even felt angry at the Moon for not allowing the sea to come to the aid of the small fishing town as it desired to.
    AQ DF MQ  Post #: 9
    4/13/2013 12:37:42   
    Eukara Vox
    Legendary AdventureGuide!


    Such high praise! Thank you Gingkage. I am glad Overjoyed had the impact it did. Usually, Slice of Life stories aren't as gripping, since people tend to gravitate towards the main event and the character interaction within that event. But, I like slice of life, since I am very character oriented as a writer. And that error... ack! I will change it later today as we are about to step out.

    As to "Weeping of the Sea", the story is told from Tajna Vox's point of view. It is her descent back into her home after years of being away as she grew up and learned how to kill, allowing her bitterness and need for vengeance to build up and fester. Reclamation and vengeance is all that she lives for, thinks of and wants. It's a glimpse into her madness and grief, her motivation and her desire as she walks the long road to the sea where life was once beautiful, and she had a loving set of parents and an older sister who loved her.

    Perhaps an expectation of a king's son instead of a daughter was the issue? Or too many memories? I was trying to paint a desperately lonely, angry and broken woman going home.
    AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 10
    4/13/2013 14:28:03   
    UnderSoul
    Member

    I could say so much, but for the sake of time and the well-being of my keyboard, I'll simply say that I can certainly see why you're one of AE's top writers.
    AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 11
    4/15/2013 11:14:26   
      Gingkage
    Wolf Rider


    I think what confused me in "Weeping of the Sea" was these two sentences:

    Actually re-reading it, I don't know what confused me in the first place... I think it was me trying to understand a story at an hour when I really should have been in bed...

    If anything would have confused me then, it would have probably been these sentences:

    quote:

    My journey actually started here, near the sea in a small part of a soulless king's land which my father ruled and loved.


    quote:

    I remember once, my father in his official dress, helping a family pull in a net that was near bursting while one of the king's men looked on in horror. Imagine, touching one of the people that broke their backs for the kingdom. Nay, they broke no back for the king...they broke their backs for my father.


    quote:

    That night, the fisherman's wife cooked a feast for my family and the king's official. Fried, baked, grilled...smoked...ah, smoked fish. That, if anything, was the feast for a king. My father heartily dug in, sampling everything. He drank the ale poured for him, he sung the seafarer songs... And smiled every moment. That family, that fisherman's family stood proud that night. It was as if we had been welcomed home. But the king's man... He sat off to the side, picking at his food. He snubbed the ale and watched my father disdainfully.


    To me, it looked like the person who's perspective this is told from is in the king's family, and then later you describe the king and his family as being distinctly different from 'your' (in the sense that you're writing this as the character) family.

    If you knew me IRL, you'd know that confusing me is not that difficult to do, so it's no surprise that, trying to read really good stories at 11:00 PM (especially while I'm also trying to multi-task), I was very confused.
    AQ DF MQ  Post #: 12
    4/15/2013 13:12:52   
    Hakunin
    Member

    -

    < Message edited by Hakunin -- 4/17/2013 12:42:19 >
    AQ  Post #: 13
    4/15/2013 20:34:50   
    Eukara Vox
    Legendary AdventureGuide!


    Ahhh, I see Gingkage.

    That is written from the perspective of a writer who knows more about the backstory. My apologies!

    The Vox family rules a city-state like area. It's like... a country within a country. So, they are to a point, beholden to the king of the land, but her family is like a royal family of Himmelyn. It's a weird scenario. Her father is ruler, but also has to answer to the king. Who, you can tell, isn't much of one over the land in general.

    I probably just confused everyone even more now.
    AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 14
    4/15/2013 20:53:20   
      Gingkage
    Wolf Rider


    Oh. That makes sense. Thanks for the clarification.
    AQ DF MQ  Post #: 15
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