Trainz_07
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Reviews for some of the stories I've read thus far:
@Undersoul A solid premise with a flavorful hint of humor, especially in the skit with Cysero, which I thought hilarious. The transition of your character from the previous war to the Truphma camps was smooth as well. Keep it up.
Edit: Just read your third entry, I applaud Lord Scorpio's method of announcing himself. Another thing, while I appreciate your journal-style writing which I do find appealing, I would like to recommend more paragraph splitting (I admit it's a pet peeve of mine). It makes your writing much easier to read.
@Disc Lorde
quote:
sipping a moglinberry juice
I suggest omitting the 'a', since moglinberry juice is uncountable, so to speak. Unless you were to add something like 'a cup of' before it.
quote:
"What is it Cerry?" Astreaea asked. "See for yourself," Cerrana replied, and passed Astreaea the letter.
I recommend splitting the paragraphs whenever another character starts speaking, no matter how short their dialogue is.
quote:
Astreaea read it....
Disc Lorde read it...
Nothing wrong here, but perhaps (this is strictly my personal preference) you could phrase the second part differently. Even though the actions are the same, variations in the wording will help make your story much more interesting.
quote:
said Astreaea, splitting the word
spitting you mean?
quote:
they were interupted
Interrupted.
Overall a solid piece as well. I liked how the setting is in an inn, very adventurer-like. The only criticism in regards to the plot is perhaps you could lengthen their conversation a bit before Yulgar delivered the message. Good luck to you!
@Tep Itaki
quote:
the question suddenly popped up as Tep waltzed by the couch, as Rixi lazily snoozed while she cuddled with Yuki(the small nerfkitten).
Again it is my personal preference, but perhaps you could segregate this part into two sentences to even out the pacing, so to speak.
quote:
she gracefully prance
Pranced.
quote:
"Don't come closer to me you evil woman,"
Should be 'don't come any closer.' Since she did already take a step forward.
quote:
Suite yourself
Suit
An excellent chapter, I have to commend you for writing a nautical chapter (I fare poorly at those, I still had to google starboard and port side). The dynamic between Tep and Tetra was humorous and I enjoyed reading about it, though I still don't understand why her mood darkened at one part. Looking forward to more.
EDIT: @Spendin Critique as requested.
quote:
I merely doing this job because I was lacking anything else to do.
A little confusion about the tenses. A better way to phrase it perhaps is: 'I merely accepted the job because I lacked anything to do that day.'
quote:
found my personal blade, Silent Demise; Silent Demise is a large, single edged, metallic sword forged to my desires
This is about flow. Since you already mentioned the name of your sword, perhaps you could omit the second 'silent demise'. E.g.: '...personal blade, Silent Demise, a large, single edged....
quote:
My assassin training is incomplete but efficient
Should be was. I'm not sure if efficient is appropriate in this context. You are referring to the progress of your training right?
quote:
white suits paroling
patrolling
quote:
That skirmish was enough noise
Noise is a noun, therefore, you should phrase it differently. E.g.: The skirmish caused enough noise...
quote:
Whatever is happening
was
quote:
These conflicts seemed to be incredibly annoying
Hmm. By 'seemed', you imply that there is a hint of doubt, making the sentence sound a bit confusing.
quote:
I completely forgot that I abandoned my assignment
a 'had' should be added before 'abandoned'.
quote:
I should be real angry when I find out you haven't been working
should be found?
quote:
some crises
Crisis
Right, after reading your story I can see that you have a lot of ideas going on, which is great, but perhaps you could benefit in slowing down the pace of your story a bit. At times things can seem very rushed. Focus a little on description and pacing. Also, split paragraphs where appropriate, it makes for easier reading.
Your character is an interesting one in that he isn't the typical hero, at some point you'll have to define his motivation for fighting the Truphma though. Good luck to you!
< Message edited by Trainz_07 -- 2/25/2013 21:02:58 >
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