RE: =AQ= Truphma Camps Chronicles commentary


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2/26/2013 21:47:49

battlemaster25
Member

quote:

@battlemaster

quote:

As it was late at night, nobody asides from Storm was awake

Aside

quote:

Meanwhile, Storm appeared, standing exactly where he had been when he left.

Hmm....this part is a little bit confusing. When you said he appeared where he had been when he left, you might confuse readers into thinking that he was still standing outside the inn (Because technically he did leave the inn). But then again maybe it's just me :3

Ah hah, my first grammar errors. I knew it was only a matter of time. I'll correct those shortly.

quote:

I would like to comment on the rainbow longsword though. Umm, will you be featuring the sword prominently in your future chapters? If so, I think it would be beneficial if you would describe it a little more. The description that you've already written is good enough, what I'm proposing is writing a little more just so that the sword will stick more in your readers' minds.

As for this one, I will tell you that it will be featured prominently, yes. My plan is to have it be defined more by what it does, than how it looks. Those rainbow effects are for more than just looking pretty, as Chapter III will demonstrate, slight spoiler there.

AQ	Post #: 26

2/26/2013 22:37:38

Trainz_07
Member

I see, well the best of luck to you then =D

AQ	Post #: 27

2/27/2013 0:33:11

Daimyo Daimyo
Member

Removed.

< Message edited by Daimyo Daimyo -- 8/25/2013 1:30:46 >

MQ	Post #: 28

2/27/2013 1:48:51

battlemaster25
Member

Just finished Chapter III. Big battle scenes are starting to grow on me. And for the record, this is what I meant about the sword's rainbow magic. Bloody rainbow nuke.

AQ	Post #: 29

2/27/2013 13:07:20

Darquess
Member

You really dont get much choice in fonts... probably times new roman and trebuchet are your best two.

New chapter being written now!

Post #: 30

2/27/2013 20:22:01

kors
Member

Gods... I have had little idea on how I am going to write my next part.

Already added the grammatical changes to my main copy but I have barely written more than a paragraph since I got home.

This one may have some extra time but I will almost definitely take longer to get any of it done. And I likely wont have any snow days to help either.

Post #: 31

2/28/2013 1:07:27

AXTG2000
Member

Don't mind me, just a newbie writer walking through.

Please ignore the chaotic evil mage. He tends to bite.

"Me? Bite them? Eww...I'd rather bite into a snayl..."

Post #: 32

2/28/2013 13:24:05

Darquess
Member

So am I to be honest.
Ive only written one stroy before this one...

nice mage fight by the way.

Post #: 33

2/28/2013 16:27:21

UnderSoul
Member

Fixed what Trainz pointed out, and updated!

AQW

Epic

Post #: 34

2/28/2013 19:24:39

AXTG2000
Member

Fight? There was a fight? All I saw was one guy doing flashy attacks and getting smacked in the face. Seriously Xombie, why did you have to make END your dump stat?

"...It took up the numbers my INT drastically needed!"

You put points into CHA! Why not use that instead!?!?

"...I like my pets..."

...I'm going to go take a pill or something now...

PS: Feedback is enjoyed.

Post #: 35

2/28/2013 20:20:00

kors
Member

Part II is up! And yeah... you know how I said I wanted to avoid it getting too long? Well the first two parts of this one are already longer than the first 3 whole parts and and about half of the fourth. Yays for doing what you intentionally wanted to avoid!

< Message edited by kors -- 2/28/2013 20:27:58 >

Post #: 36

2/28/2013 20:45:33

AXTG2000
Member

Part II? Oh my!

Whelp, my wizard has some really bad luck. First, he wakes up to find he accidentally hit someone. Second, he gets smacked in the face by a club. Now? Well, I'll let you all see whats on his list of bad things now.

Post #: 37

3/1/2013 1:28:10

flashbang
Member

I posted part 1 of my story.

AQW

Post #: 38

3/1/2013 17:53:49

Darquess
Member

Going to knock the story on the head with this chapter.

EDIT: Behold, the ambushes, battles and conclusions in Chapter Four!

< Message edited by Darquess -- 3/1/2013 18:17:17 >

Post #: 39

3/3/2013 8:42:54

Tep Itaki
Friendly!

*looks at stories* better get cracking...Artimix?

*Cracks knuckles, pops shoulders, cracks braided ponytail*

Wait what?! *stares at Artimix* how did you crack your ponytail? *sees him shrug* ....So reviews are on their way...

AQW

Post #: 40

3/3/2013 12:52:18

battlemaster25
Member

And my story is done. Sorry for the rather anticlimactic ending, but I didn't really know what else I could do. There's no character drama in this one, so any future chapters would just be Storm and Isaac destroying more camps. I decided to spare you from that.

AQ	Post #: 41

3/3/2013 21:07:35

Trainz_07
Member

Finally, Chapter 1 is up. It took me quite a long time to write this, and it certainly was a fun challenge. Originally this was supposed to be longer, but I've decided to split it and write the second part in the next chapter. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

I see a lot of new stories as well, I'll try to read and review them when I have the time.

AQ	Post #: 42

3/5/2013 13:00:33

Darquess
Member

Mr Tep...

I find your lack of reviews, distrubing...

Sorry, just a guest at my house typing there.
Anywho, the story is done, the quests seem to have wound down a little so its time for some reviews people!

(PLS do not ask me to do one, I am no where near good enough to be a grammar nazi)

Post #: 43

3/6/2013 8:10:04

Tep Itaki
Friendly!

Why, hello, hello, hello~ Mr. Darquess...

I find your lack of patience to be.......wait for it....keep waiting....hold your breath and count to 100...take a break and keep waiting......eh....eh........eh..............

"Right back at ya!"(only thing missing is an iconic pink puffball)

Sorry, I was busy with RL and grabbing some sleep that I could fit in a 30 hour day. Also, you don't have to be a grammar nazi to review people's story. You could comment on the story itself and what it might be lacking or confusing.

Reviews are just in the slow process >.> <.<

EDIT: Well that first part did not sound at all creepy (sarcasm) but guess that's the price for referencing 4 things into that little opening (delicious pie for anybody who can figure out all 4)

@battlemaster: Expect a pm from me after my 3rd chapter....>3

< Message edited by Tep Itaki -- 3/6/2013 8:16:55 >

AQW

Post #: 44

3/6/2013 12:10:53

battlemaster25
Member

quote:

@battlemaster: Expect a pm from me after my 3rd chapter....>3

....Should I start running now?

AQ	Post #: 45

3/7/2013 21:36:10

kors
Member

Man, it's been a full week since I did anything more than a few sentences... I blame have 3 writing projects going through my head at one time. Yay for annoying school writing that goes outside of my writing comfort zone!

Post #: 46

3/8/2013 23:10:50

battlemaster25
Member

Le gasp! I have added a bonus chapter to my story! I had one last storyline idea, and I couldn't resist adding it....

AQ	Post #: 47

3/9/2013 21:42:25

Trainz_07
Member

Posted Chapter 2 after many breaks and unending hair-pulling.

@battlemaster

An interesting story that merits a big bucket of ice cream. I enjoyed reading the interactions between Storm and Isaac, and somehow I get the impression that they're really close friends. I also liked how you paid attention to Isaac's nature, like how he wasn't bothered by heat and cold, as well as his need to sleep despite the archetype.

The fact that you always insert a brief description of where the characters are at the beginning of each chapter was also not lost on me. It was a small addition that I think made your stories unique.

Regarding the dialogue, however, I would recommend that you sprinkle some body language every now and then. After all, communication is composed of verbal and non-verbal elements. That said, the characterization of the cast of your story was very natural.

I really didn't expect the bonus chapter. Kudos to you on that, although I would have liked to see you bring out Storm's sadness more.

Overall I think you did a really good job with this story =)

< Message edited by Trainz_07 -- 3/9/2013 22:09:58 >

AQ	Post #: 48

3/10/2013 18:03:11

Darquess
Member

Well, it isnt every day when the dark lord of the sith is at your house, typing on your computer.

Sort of a mixed message being sent at the begining of your reply, Mr/Ms/ (Other?) Tep.

And... the epiloge is out, and the actual Trumpha war has started!
So...

no... oh, okay, maybe another tiny chapter on that?

EDIT: Cancel that last thought.

However, I want to know if people want some more on Dyson and Commander Grey as they are now, or do you want their origin story's posted?
There is a thread for such an origin story (for any character) in the official adventure quest and warpforce collaboration fanfiction.

< Message edited by Darquess -- 3/10/2013 18:47:23 >

Post #: 49

3/11/2013 20:31:33

Archmopecake
Member

@Trainz, I haven't read your other story since there's a lot there and I think I'll go back to those stories in a month or two whenever I want to revisit the war, so I was quite interested to read this one. Really great, I can see what everyone was talking about :] I noticed this paragraph was one my inner editor had something to say about:

An intricate two-tiered fountain was laid before them, its variegated stonework giving it an aura of refinement. In the middle of the fountain stood a sculpture of two intertwining fishes, their scales wrought masterly. Both of their open mouths spouted a stream of pristine water, which poured into the pool, creating unending ripples. At the base of the pool were coins, each carrying a silent wish.

The first sentence seems somewhat stretched, what I'm coming up with is something like: An intricate two-tiered fountain lay before them, its variegated stonework giving it an aura of refinement. I might pick beautiful over intricate to more strongly set up its significance and its image seems to come easier to the mind with beautiful to me. I feel like ironing out Both of their open mouths spouted a stream of pristine water, which poured into the pool, creating unending ripples. a little bit but I'm not sure how. Possibly just dropping the first comma or maybe starting with Unending ripples lapped away from the twin streams of pristine water that flowed into the pool from their open mouths. I like the silent wishes with the coins image a lot. I think a more specific image about the coins might be smoother than "were coins," but I think as it is sets up space for "each carrying a silent wish" so I don't know really.

I really started to inhabit the environment in places which was amazing, much enjoyed :D

Hopefully I can find the time/interest to read all the stories :P

AQ	Post #: 50

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