Home  | Login  | Register  | Help  | Play 

(OS) Souls at the edge of time (fanfic)

Logged in as: Guest
  Printable Version
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> AE Fanfiction Discussion >> (OS) Souls at the edge of time (fanfic)
Forum Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
4/1/2013 13:42:34   

The novelisation of my OverSoul character who started as a VoidKnight.

Started ca. 7 days ago, and thought this is a good idea. Constructive criticism welcomed.

Espected additions after new releases. (Likely more post at the beggining to reach where I'm now ingame.)

I'm not exactly sure on rights and legals, and it isn't likely it'd be spread, but if you quote pls tell where you got the thing.

Note: background material taken from official AQ-wikis and other related platforms.
Special thanks for Michael Moorcock.

< Message edited by Hakunin -- 4/1/2013 13:43:18 >
AQ  Post #: 1
4/6/2013 21:12:05   

It is rather gratifying to find another writer! Haiii~

I do hope it will have a plot? Because a plot is what drives the story.

Well, constructive criticism...

This first chapter is sorta... blunt. Very, very blunt. There's no storyline to it whatsoever, and it's not really that cohesive either. I can barely understand it at some points. You might want to read it over, and think from a reader's standpoint, would I be able to understand this?

Some more details:


I came from the Void, banished by Nulgath himself after turning to a Blood Fiend when entering the ranks of The Void. The Void is where the World belongs, The Void is what is the World. There is no existence, just The Void.

The Void is just "Void". The "The" shouldn't be capitalized... I think. In any case, it sorta disrupts the sentence.


Noone knows who started the war in which I resulted dead amongst others - Nulgath or Dadge. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter why Dadge built his army from enslaved souls to his sentient undead horde. It doesn't matter if Nulgath will stay in power over the Oblivion Gateway. The destiny of the World is to be pushed through it. The battle between Evil and Chaos is just an opportunity.

"No one" is two words.
"In which I resulted dead" should be "in which I died". Redundant words and awkward phrasing.
Dage is spelled "Dage", minus that d you have there.


Mere fleshlings, never experienced how to exist without flesh and blood, how to exist almost not, how to be one with The Void. That's my advantage over them, that's my chance building my domain: I'm already familiar with Life, Death and even Undeath. I was a Blood Void, a Knight of The Void and now more, much more.

Fleshlings is a term that robots use. Void Knights are still meat and bone... but infused with void energies. Make it clearer that this is intended to show they have no experience with the void.
"Never experienced how to exist" should be "who have never experienced and existence absent of flesh and blood"
That first sentence is a blatant Run-on. Maybe one extra fragment is okay in writing, but two is rarely used. Be careful with that.


Me and the others like me are ripped from flesh and blood, only our souls remaining, and that's what matters, I give this to Oblivion, who guards the Nightmare Dungeon in Solace currently. He's there to challenge me, challenge us. Nulgath's ways are somewhat mysterious.

"Me and the others like me" should be "I, and others like me, were ripped from our flesh and blood. All that remained were our souls, and that was what mattered."
You have a huge run-on as your first sentence, or that comma after matters is a mistake.
"Who currently guards" cause sounds better.
"He's there to challenge me, challenge us" sounds like Oblivion is fighting them. Make it more clear that Oblivion is offering the challenges.


How can I affect the world in this incorporeal state? By possessing bodies. When someone - or better say someTHING - is dying, I can take over the control. A small part of the original inhabitant remains, and I feel merging with those pieces when using the corpses - a tiny bit of enthusiasm, inspiration, or even fear -, but I AM IN CONTROL, I am what remains.

"I can take over the control" is bad. Either "I can control them" or "I can take over the controlS"
Lots of fragments and run-ons. Too many in one chapter is bad. Use them sparingly.
"I feel merging with those pieces when using the corpses" you can't feel merging. Merging is not a feeling. Fix daat.
Again, too many repeats. Gets boring and repetitive.


The first instinct was to rise the potential of the first host as soon as possible, but that turned out old habit soon. The more corpses, the more characters I can act like, the more potential I have to win this war. Gathering my one-man army to be everyone. To be noone. Except me. Except the Void swallowing the World.

"First instinct was to rise" should be "RAISE".
"Turned out old habit soon" needs a "to be" between out and old.
"Act like" makes it sound like you are just "acting" and not even using their bodies.
Noone is two words, no one.
Overall, this paragraph is extremely hard to understand. "To be no one" is weird. And it sounds like the Oversoul doesn't want an army, which is contradictory to your 2nd sentence. Might wanna... fix.


Where are the bodies, what happens them when they're not in use? They are at the edge of time waiting for their part of the fight. Warriors at the edge of time waiting for their one battle destined for. Waiting to finish the endless cycle. They are tired of love and fear, they must fight.

You have a TON of run-on sentences. Fix pleaaase~ A few is okay, but you use them almost half the time...
Comma between time and waiting.
Aren't your bodies soulless? How do they "love" and "fear?" They're dead. Plus love seems lumped in there to make it sound more "movie-plot-ish". Tired of love?

If you have a plot set up, then this could be a really good story. Plots are what draw readers in, and if it's just a listing of events, then it's more of a harder to understand walkthrough.

Good work though. Keep it up!


Oblitus Animus - Forgotten Souls Oversoul Fanfiction!
Riniti's avatar!
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 2
4/6/2013 21:43:53   

Very good, aside from what Vic pointed out. Why does everyone write so good? It intimidates me and my tiny journal story.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 3
4/7/2013 4:11:44   

1) The "plot" is what AE-Team officially release. Currently the only focuspoint is the "backstory" for the Blood Void at the character-choice (turning into an oversoul, Dadge marshing against Nulgath, the Blood Knight being banished and coming up with the intention founding its own kingdom).
My basic concept is to come up with as little unofficial plot as possible (apart the basic concept of this "edge of time" thing).
Heck, there are already 3 plots: the war between N. and D., the OverSoul phenomena, AND the character's own background-story. And you need MORE plot?

2) The first chapter is to give you a taste of the mood of my writings, and lay out the basics of the world of OverSoul. It basically says "Hey, X fights Y, you are in the middle, and something exceptional happens!", nothing else. It contains basically what you learn during the character creation with some marketing-design inserting "oversoul" with capitals letters at the end, and leaving everything blurry, like the actual player can feel (at least how I feel) at the current state of the game.

Eg. (what will be a moment at a later release) currently every character is "neutral alignment", although in the release-version they will turn out not to be. This will need an "explanation", but in a creative, and preferably indirect way.

NOTE: I am NOT into dialogues. I'm terrible with them. Don't expect that from me in the future neither!

3) " The Void" is a place and concept in the AE-world, a fantasy-version of a black hole.
Other reason for capitalisation is to slow down the sentence, and give some disturbance in the reader signing something important (it gives a view on the protagonist's motivation).

4) "noone" a written I use since I started to learn english. Call it bad fixation, this is one word/phrase I can't help myself with.


"In which I resulted dead" should be "in which I died". Redundant words and awkward phrasing.
- What you call "awkward phrasing" is what I call "style of writing".

"Dage" will be corrected.

5) "fleshling": ok, will try to insert some more hint on the void-knowledge in the future.

But please don't try to form the style/diction/stylistic of someone else writing to YOUR choice of words and formation of sentences!

6) Oblivion and the Gate: this is voluntarily a (very slightly) blurry point, albeit evident for any actual players. (Hey, a fanfic must be a way of advertising, right?)
The real problem there is the reference to Nulgath, instead of The Old One, Oblivion being a servant of the later (glad it avoided your attention).

Commas r my weak points not being native to english, and grammar rules for that r confusing. Will pay more attention in the future and will supervise the already released material.


"I can take over the control" is bad. Either "I can control them" or "I can take over the controlS"

actually you're mistaking here. According to Google "control" is singular for the phrase.
And "can control them" has a different meaning compared to what I used. "can control" would mean enslave, the original inhabitant being there, just serving me, like instructing a driver from the navigator-chair; while "take over the control" is pushing away the one being there in the first place, and taking his/her place at the pilot-chair. The emphasis - especially in such compound style I use - is important.

8) rise/raise: my mistake.
"to be" from "out old" is left out consciously. No need for perfect grammar all time.
"act like" is exactly used for what you say . The OverSoul don't change to what it possess for real, just pretends to be those who it possessed. And not just takes over the bodies (at least the protagonist in the story), but really tries to act like what is expected from the host-characters to hide its true nature. It IS acting.

What you find confusing here is the paradox nature of the protagonist, including a slight notion of The Void-theme. The OverSoul is just ONE being, what uses an ARMY of bodies. The bodies uninhabited are just "waiting at the edge of time", not really dead, but definitely not being alive / not being able to act on their own. "To be noone" is both reflecting on this paradoxical nature, and refers to the purpose of the protagonist who want to un-make/annihilate all existence by pushing it into The Void (maybe you remember The Devourer saga?).

9) "Plus love seems lumped in there to make it sound more "movie-plot-ish"." - exactly
Well, it is maybe SOME part of the characters actually remain (made reference elsewhere, and will do in the next post too as planned), maybe twisted. Maybe it is just how the protagonist thinks on them. Maybe it is just some bad in-joke.

PS: Hope this clears some confusion. If I'm allowed to make an outside-reference, I point on The Pages of Pain for a similar (but professional) writing-style.
AQ  Post #: 4
5/22/2013 14:01:24   

project will be continued

< Message edited by Hakunin -- 5/25/2013 1:44:14 >
AQ  Post #: 5
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> AE Fanfiction Discussion >> (OS) Souls at the edge of time (fanfic)
Jump to:


Icon Legend
New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts

Forum Content Copyright © 2018 Artix Entertainment, LLC.

"AdventureQuest", "DragonFable", "MechQuest", "EpicDuel", "BattleOn.com", "AdventureQuest Worlds", "Artix Entertainment"
and all game character names are either trademarks or registered trademarks of Artix Entertainment, LLC. All rights are reserved.

Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition