Trainz_07
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Dionysus’ Challenge Chapter 1 Critique and Feedback
Right, so I’ll just highlight a few parts first, and then move on to giving overall comments in regards to the three aspects as per your request.
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I mean, just look at the Thyiades!
Perhaps you could have Haides elaborate a little on the Thyiades, since some readers (including myself when I first read it) probably don’t know who they are. I think even just a small hint of what they do will help imprint upon the readers the extent of Dionysus’ debauchery.
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further causing the retreat to be visible
This was a little confusing. I think I understand the meaning, but could you provide some clarification?
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The Goddess smirked, chuckling
Mild confusion once again, I briefly wondered whether she smirked and chuckled simultaneously or did both at the same time. Not a major problem of course, but it can be a bit jarring for some readers.
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I will go without my wine for a long time.
Perhaps it’s just a matter of personal taste, but I would suggest that you give a specific time frame. ‘A long time’ is a tad bit abstract and doesn’t hold much drama, which I think is an essential element in Dionysus’ wager.
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Dionysus must truly be more drunk than usual to make them both so angry that he united the king and queen of the Underworld."
I feel that this sentence lacks fluency. Understanding it is not question, it’s just that it doesn’t sound as smooth as it should be.
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He was told the pain would be bad but he didn't expect to feel this way. He almost hated himself for asking her to go through with this, but she wanted the child as much as he.
As the child's soul traveled to earth from the Tree of Life
Right, so I actually read this part a few times because I couldn’t get a good grasp of it initially. I think the main issue here is that the transition from Marcus pacing in the common room and Haides observing the soul in the Underworld is too abrupt. Perhaps you could mention the location? That way you lay down the groundwork for the reader to realize that ‘Okay, so two things are happening at the same time in two different places.’
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And there was no way that she was going to spend all her precious, hard-earned money on this whelp of a child.
Firstly, let me just say that this could all just be me. Anyways, as I read through your chapter, I picked up that you were using the third-person omniscient point of view in your writing. However, when I came upon this part, the tone of the sentence (which sounds scornful) suggested that it was spoken from Crystal’s voice, and not that of the ‘all-knowing narrator’ that is intrinsic of this particular POV. I believe it is important to maintain a neutral if not consistent tone throughout your story, because if you suddenly use a slightly different tone, the readers might assume that that part of the story is being told from that character’s point of view. And this might lead to disorientation when you shift to another character (in this case, Persephone).
Description:
Overall I think your descriptions were excellent and in the appropriate amount. I especially appreciated how you brought out all of the deities’ personalities when you introduced them in turn. You succeeded in giving them distinct traits and I really felt that I was reading a conversation between gods and goddesses. On a related note, I also think you managed to capture the characters’ emotions very well. I found Persephone’s compassion for little Zipporah particularly heart-warming, while Crystal’s disdain for her newborn was quite evident. Also, your style of description is very enjoying to read.
Moving on, I would like to propose suggestions on two parts of the chapter, the first regarding the description of the feast at the very beginning. While the existing description is already enough, I think that you could insert additional details. Perhaps comment further on the extravagant décor, or the activities of any mythological creature present (besides the gods), or even exactly what kind of delicacies were being served out. I think that readers will definitely appreciate you painting an elaborate setting for them to picture the story taking place in.
The second suggestion is tied to Dionysus’ bold wager. I would recommend going a little deeper in terms of the god’s feelings of humiliation and desire of vengeance, in addition to giving a reason as to why did he choose such a wager, or the thought process that lead to his decision of making his wager. Generally I think that wordage is welcomed in this part, because it’s the moment where the story truly begins, the trigger to the succeeding string of events. The extra description will also help emphasize the importance of this scene.
Story Flow:
The only prominent problem is what I’ve highlighted, the scene of Coren’s birth. But other than that I don’t see any real issues. The story progresses in a logical sequence, everything happens in a chronological order and I hardly needed to go back a few paragraphs when I was reading. Excellent job.
I personally feel that I must applaud you on your decision to write in third-person omniscient, it’s definitely a rarity these days, which I’m sure is related to its difficulty to execute well. At first I worried that I was going to get lost between characters but so far, that has fortunately not been the case.
Conveyance of Idea:
In terms of whether the plot was clear, I would say yes. Reading through the chapter was relatively easy, all of the scenes held a sense of purpose, and I had a good understanding of what exactly was going on. One thing that did bother me was the wager itself (this is related to my second suggestion in Description). Dionysus’ declaration of challenge felt slightly…artificial. It seemed that he already had intended to challenge Haides, and that he also had thought of the form of challenge beforehand, and that he would challenge Haides regardless of whether or not he was insulted. I guess my main point is that I would’ve liked to see his thought process in all of this.
Moving on to the mythological aspect of the story, while there are certainly terms that may sound foreign to some readers, the story doesn’t suffer much from a lack of understanding of said terms. Of course, there are exceptions.
For example, not all readers might recognize Thanatos as the personification of death, but that hardly affects their understanding of the story.
On the other hand, if a reader doesn’t know what ambrosia is, he or she might question why it was mentioned that Persephone was technically committing an offense by feeding Zipporah with it. (I do realize that the reader will probably deduce that ambrosia is something precious and not to be shared with mortals anyways, but I personally believe that they will benefit in knowing exactly what ambrosia is)
Whether a glossary is warranted is entirely up to you, but my suggestion would be to add a brief description for every mythological term that you think requires explanation (in regards to your story anyways)
Final Comments:
I’ve always been a fan of Greek Mythology so I really appreciated you infusing your story with so many of its elements. You’ve written a good, solid chapter which provides the foundation for a great story, and I very much look forward to its continuation.
Naturally all comments are of my own opinion and if you need any clarification, or notice something odd with my critique, please feel free to let me know.
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