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=AQ= Absol-ution Finale War Stories and Poems Commentary

 
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5/9/2013 11:54:42   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


=AQ= Absol-ution Finale War Stories and Poems

This is where you may discuss of each other's war stories and poems if not on the war thread itself in the AQ General Discussion forum.

< Message edited by Elryn -- 5/9/2013 11:55:57 >
AQ  Post #: 1
5/9/2013 18:16:15   
kors
Member

Working on mine, definitely going to be an interesting war which will be great for my story. Still unsure just what to name it though.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 2
5/9/2013 18:29:10   
hict98
Member

@Fal I noticed a spelling error
quote:

"Given indications my lord and lady" Abernathy proclaimed "I think perhaps what they seek is Omega amd Absolix."

Other than that the only feedback I have is fascinating. This is absolutely fascinating.
AQ AQW  Post #: 3
5/9/2013 19:41:54   
kors
Member

Just put up the first part of my next story. Only got a title I am not to happy to use so I am going to not put that up there for now.

Added a short little bit to my story, not much but still setting up some more stuff that is to happen.

< Message edited by kors -- 5/9/2013 21:30:15 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 4
5/9/2013 21:15:42   
battlemaster25
Member

Perhaps against my better judgement, I'm still trying to write!

My story's Prologue has just been posted.
AQ  Post #: 5
5/10/2013 13:56:15   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


@Kors

quote:

Forcing it's gods away into an exile?


Its.

quote:

The world they found themselves on was likely as not to survive, but if Lore might be saved it would be worth every inch of land lost and scared.


Scarred.

quote:

With the open plains it would be next to impossible for an ambush by either side at least.


This may be my own crotchet, but I would put a coma after ''plains''.

quote:

The only noise to be heard was the hushed tones of the godly couple's discussion and the secretive tone the repair and defense group discussed their plan in with only the occasional interruption by the unconscious Cartwright.


The wording is odd here. A better manner would be ''the secretive tone in which the repair and defense group discussed their plan''. Additionally, you might want to change the form altogether to avoid being a tad repetitive with the use of the words discussion and discussed.

quote:

His belief seemed be impossible to shake


Seemed to be.

quote:

The procession went on and on for several more minutes, odd seeing as they not been too far that much earlier.


I am not certain what is meant in the second half of the sentence. It does need tweaking however.

quote:

When they saw the smoke once again of the pile of scrap that was once the D.E.N.N.I.E Phantom the whole group of mortals let out a shout of excitement, they were heading in the right direction.


The first part until Phantom is a tad too dragged out. I would remove ''once again'' and turn it into ''When again''. That should do it. Put a coma after Phamtom and replace the current coma of the sentence with a semi-colon.

quote:

The ship was a tragic wreck, flames and smoke still rose from its depths and it’s pieces lay scattered along much of the area of the crater it formed.


Should be ''its''.

quote:

They placed the unconscious patient into the shelter of the ship and began to work as the group began to work on repairs and the gods continued to discuss the situation at hand.


A tad repetitive. I would reword it.

quote:

Galian stepped up the girl and Abernathy followed.


Coma after up to mark the pause.

quote:

He looked at her with a look of impressment


Impressment sounds a tad off (it is not a word as far as I know). I would either replace it with a similar word such as ''wonder'' or rephrase the sentence and use an establish version of the word ''He looked at her, impressed.''

quote:

“You had so much potential, Rinia was it?


I am not too certain about your exact aim here so I may be mistaken. If the coma is intended to mark Galian's pause before intoning the query, replaced it with the triple period.

quote:

She began to drag the white haired man back aways.


Back a ways?

quote:

Almost an hour passed as the group waited for the impending swarmed.


Swarm.

quote:

From all they saw of this strange interdimensional warlord’s army it would not be easy slaying one in his army.


A tad repetitive with the mention of the army and slightly confusing. I imagine the reference here is to the ethereal nature of the foes. I would either substitute army with a synonym or take advantage of the first part to expand on the exact nature of dilemma. *chuckles* Or anything creative that you ay think of. I would also add a coma to mark a pause after the first army, but mayhap that is me.

quote:

The gods were going to be busy fight their god war and unavailable


Fighting.

quote:

Absolix and this universes Ryuusei


Universe's.

quote:

Feelings of dread grew and anxiety was at it’s high when the first scouts arrived.


Its.

Your story settles a grim and dire mood for the party and I like the personality you give Galian with Rinia. Smashing.


@battlemaster

No mistakes that I could yet find. I look forwards to the rest

@Tep

quote:

The BuumDang from Etherspace is flung by it's tail into an Arakkna of the same, causing them both to disappear.


Its.

*grins* Nice play with italics to contrast Artimix's thought from the action.
AQ  Post #: 6
5/10/2013 18:52:11   
battlemaster25
Member

My second chapter has been posted. A new character, yay!
AQ  Post #: 7
5/11/2013 0:59:43   
ArchMagus Orodalf
Member

quote:

"My Lord," the voice said, pulling my attention back to the subject at hand quite abruptly.

"Yes, Abernathy?" I asked my servant.

"My Lord, something is going on with Lore. I am detecting a massive influx of temporal energy of unknown origination..."

He did not finish as I doubled over in pain and Lauren immediately appeared looking pallid. I knew in an instant that something had gone horribly wrong, but I could not at first ascertain what...

"Lore is gone," Lauren stated plainly.

"What? Uncreated? How could it have possibly have been Uncreated without my..."

"No love, not Uncreated; just gone, vanished... " Lauren paused, frowning slightly. "Except..."

"Except?" I asked, confused by how something could merely vanish from time and space without a trace. I had certainly felt the change. The removal of the world of my birth from time and space had been unpleasant in the extreme. Yet I knew that this was not any proper Uncreation, though I myself, due to my assumed temporal immunity, might be spared from the Uncreation itself, the results of that Uncreation would have been far more profound.

"Some of my creation remains: out of phase with the physical but in phase with the Astral and Ethereal planes, moving very much in this direction. Among them Chosen and at least one of the Annunaki Avatar. Transient."

"Celestra. Is this a WarpForce-driven effect?"

"No, but her husband and your prophet are with him..."

"Lkeas. It is as if they are seeking us."

"Given indications, my Lord and Lady," Abernathy proclaimed, "I think perhaps what they seek is Omega and Absolix."

"I agree. We have received word from Lord Ojo suggesting inquiries by Gaiden Cartwright that suggest inquiry into that regard."

"I have been able to specifically determine the area of the conglomeration they have passed through, Lord." Abernathy stated "It is Rein-Gnarok of Etherspace. They appear to have constructed an Ether Ship..."

"So then, Etherseid is involved. How delightful. That NightMare is problematic in the extreme. His devices give him far too much power."

"Affirmed, Lord. It was EtherSeid who affected Lore. Preliminary indications suggest he has constructed a pocket universe, isolating Lore from the ebb and flow of normal space time and wrapping it within a fold of Etherspace itself."

"That explains the there yet not-there sensation. Doing something like that would create the relative and outward appearance of Uncreation."

"Oh, he did more than that, Lord. He deliberately created an illusion around the removal to enforce that false image. I have the feed on my tablet."

I glanced at the device and watched in a mixture of horror and fascination as Lore appeared to be blown to pieces before me, those pieces then abruptly vanishing rather then spreading out like in a normal explosion-- an effect I had seen before with some more sloppy methods of planetary Uncreation. "How messy..."

"Unfortunately, Lord, that is not all... watch what he does next..." Abernathy said, indicating the console, and I watched as a beam of dark chromatic energy engulfed a ship of apparent Lorian design. It bore the legend L.E.S. D.E.N.N.I.E. Phantom on one side.

"An elliptical ether-void ship. Very clever. Clearly both the Order and the Drakel are involved in this. There is no other way they could possibly have the needed technological specifications to construct such a theoretically improbable ether craft. The ship has been damaged. They will be destroyed or fall into the chaos between planes. Unless... Yes. I need calculations of their trajectory, Abernathy, and the exact spot of their planned Etherspace exit prior to the attack. I need to alter their trajectory slightly and redraw the ellipse. As a piece of Lorian creation, I should be able to manage that much..."

"But, Lord," Abernathy objected. "They will fall out of elliptical space, and with you as the central folding focus, they will be drawn into the atmosphere. They will surely crash."

"That is decidedly better then falling out of creation entirely... Though Etherseid will no doubt not share my opinion. I can try to pull the fold short and put them in orbit, but I have not much time. Wife, you need to make yourself scarce; I will prepare for their arrival."

"Good luck, love," Lauren said, and she left quickly.

I gestured toward the image, expanding it outward and examining the fabric of Etherspace carefully.

I gave the ship the slightest of bumps along its already established transit ellipse.

I knew what the effect would be. It would make sure they cleared the rupture that Etherseid's attack was already causing and completed their now slightly modified transit ellipse, but little more.

I attempted to compensate enough to strand the vehicle in orbit around the planet's surface, but I quickly realized that such was impossible. With the extra force required to clear such a rupture in Ehterspace, I had only two choices: allow it to fall short of completing the ellipse or push the ellipse to its completion, knowing that it would catch the ship in the orbit of the planet itself. Not knowing whether the ship could be recovered at all in the former instance, I did the latter.

"With me, Abernathy," I said with a sigh. "Our guests will soon arrive."




"He is dead, Lord," Abernathy said, indicating the fallen crew member. I recognized him instantly; his distinct cybernetics and well-built form were hard to mistake.

Smiling slightly, I gestured at the fallen Hollow Stormforge. I was correct in suspecting that "The Order" was involved.

"Just unconscious, I think you'll find, Abernathy. Quickly bring some water while I tend to his injuries."

We tended to his wounds, and I gently shook the fallen Order's mechanic awake. The irony of playing nursemaid to Hollow Stormforge given Omega's actions toward him was not lost on me. Then again, given my servants' many actions, I imagine that I owed him at least as much.

Hollow looked me in the eye, and what he said next spoke volumes.

"Am I in Heck?"

"No," I answered. "On a planet in the Kresh Nebula. Your ship crashed."

"I remember. I still had to ask."

"The being that shot down your ship, EtherSeid, is known to me, though his nature is somewhat confusing. I suspect that there is more to it than is outwardly apparent. According to my servant, all signs indicate that it was he who created the illusion that Lore had been Uncreated as well."

"Illusion?"

"Yes. Illusion. The planet remains," I answered. "He has merely forced it into a pocket dimension."

"An entire planet? That would require substantial power..."

"Yes, it would. His power does seem a bit beyond imagination. That said, EtherSeid was born and raised within Etherspace. In fact, until now he has not left it. Though we have had various incursions from his agents before, here and elsewhere, he has always looked upon the material universe with disdain."

"His creatures seem both there and not there at the same time."

"Yes. The Ethereal. Though such is not EtherSeid's own term," Abernathy supplied.

"No; he is far more arrogant. He calls his conversion of the physical to ethereal "Ascent" and his creatures "Ascended" in some sort of arrogant presumption..."

"Unfortunately, Lord, evidence suggests that he is deigning to visit the Drab Realms now..."

"Indeed? Well then, come Hollow; let us find your crewmates. We need to move." I was taken both by the fact that Stoneforge did not question who I was and that he did not seem to doubt the words I said. He seemed to be studying me, but settled upon not asking anything, merely watching.

"Celestra is with us," Hollow said then, abruptly and seemingly without context.

"I know," I answered.




Absolix and I had been locked in this most recent struggle for no less than 3 hours by the time Celestra and Galrick appeared. I was taken by the oddity of seeing the two of them together here-- taken by how oddly their presence echoed the past. This feeling did not abate when I arrived at the Camp and saw the form of Lkeas there. My memories quickly replayed for a moment; even I could believe that it was before my fall from grace and restoration. Yet the fallen form of my analogue now before me and the presence of my Lord in very human form here on the planet's surface quickly reminded me that we were in the Kresh Nebula, not upon the surface of Lore. I considered the last words my analogue had said before passing and the sentiment he was pushing me toward with the oddest sense of detachment.

'Still time,' I wondered idly. 'I cannot imagine that somehow. Not after all that I have done..."

Once again, my mind drifted back and replayed images long since forgotten in the depths of my mind.

Several Years Ago





I had pulled the strings so carefully to lead them all to this place. I had come to the clear conclusion that, as another Network general, Diviara Celegra could cause me a great deal of trouble in my plan to manifest as Omega.

I could not allow Celegra to derail my plans. Diviara was there as well, as was Lkeas and her comrades; all of the pieces were in place for what needed to occur now. I had learned of his treachery, and I could use it.

A careful temporal manipulation had brought us to this place. Yet I had the odd feeling in the wake of using my ability to Uncreate so carefully to create that scenario that I was still being pulled by the forces I had set in place. Choices, however, mattered little to me. Absolute and unquestioning loyalty was all that mattered.

The irony of my position would not become apparent to me for many years. In retrospect, others knew well before then of my hypocritical tendencies.

Regardless, I viewed the situation through the rose-colored lenses of my own successes, of the certain assurance of the fruition of the plans that had already been enacted.

I smiled then, somewhat sardonically.

“I have your wife, Diviara,” I said. “I know what you did.”

Various gasps and protestations arose then from Ardendor’s menagerie, though Celegra himself remained silent and brooding, something Diviara was quite suited for.

“What? She is alive?” Lkeas asked. It was the question that I required, and so it was she who gave me my opening; she played the role of prophetess quite well…

“Alive? No, not alive,” I answered.

“I believe she was murdered by Diviara,” one of assembly said then. “A reminder was left to Diviara’s children of the cost of betrayal.”

“That is what was made to appear have happened,” I answered, knowing the truth was far more complicated. “You have two choices, General: do as I ask, or I go and report to our master myself your treachery.”

“So certain of you,” the Brilhado answered me, his face smug. His satisfaction [incensed? The word here was "arranged," which doesn't make sense.] me. However, he was about to find out how fully I had in fact become a general.

“You do not have the access,” he continued.

“No, but Gemara, or Calciden, or any of the other Brilhado necromancers do,” I answered, knowing that Calciden, the one the Brilhado called Shroudbrood, had already made overtures at replacing Diviara himself. “And they are loyal; they have proved it already.”

“How will killing people prove loyalty to him?!” Lkeas growled at me then, her voice rising in clear challenge. “He Uncreates because he is tired of the killing, the corruption, and decay!”

The Present Day



I was drawn back to the present as abruptly as I had gone to the past, though I remembered well enough what came next. Diviara bested me in that instance, and I attempted to use the Cold, though even now I do not think that Diviara realized that I never intended to succeed. For while he was clearly a greater expert at use of the Cold than I at that time, I was a greater expert than even he could ever hope to be at manipulation and machination.

Of course, in that fight, I had also threatened Hollow’s son Daniel and set in motion my own fall.

“How could he possibly think there is still time for me…” I mumbled beneath the threshold of the others’ hearing.

“Do you doubt the wisdom of his statement?” My Lord’s voice came directly into my head, and I glanced at Galian purposefully.

“No, Lord. I do question the point,” I answered. “Bah. Amorality is dangerously close to immorality indeed. I am and was somewhat of an expert on both, was I not, brother?”

Ultimately, I had turned on Lkeas in particular. I drew her in and used a Vesperian technology to collapse her timeline into a near singularity.

So collapsed that I did the next closest thing to Uncreating her utterly, which I was not authorized to do: I shot her.

That one bullet ending not one life but all of those collapsed. One bullet effecting a horror upon worlds after worlds. I was filled with reflexive and dark regret for that action in spite of myself.

My analogue’s words were working at my mind and drilling downward. He had died to come and deliver this message to me. He had suffered and died to warn me, a being he had once dreaded so fully that he searched for me throughout the multiverse.

Why? How could he possibly believe there was hope?


Edited. There's a word in red you might want to look at.

EDIT: Thanks, Rhowena. :)

< Message edited by ArchMagus Orodalf -- 6/8/2013 0:30:21 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 8
5/11/2013 20:42:06   
kors
Member

Updated my story.... lost all motivation for writing and I guess all chances to write and post too, being grounded and all.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 9
5/13/2013 18:42:05   
battlemaster25
Member

Just posted Chapter II of my story. Lots of dialogue, very little action. I hope you like character development and drama.

< Message edited by battlemaster25 -- 5/15/2013 18:00:24 >
AQ  Post #: 10
5/15/2013 18:28:20   
Rhowena
Legendary AK!!!


@AMO A belated addition to your correction:

quote:

As another Network general, I had come to the clear conclusion that Diviara Celegra could cause me a great deal of trouble in my plan to manifest as Omega.


Dangly modifier is dangly. If I'm reading the intended meaning of the sentence correctly, it should be, "I had come to the clear conclusion that, as another Network general, Diviara Celegra could cause me a great deal of trouble in my plan to manifest as Omega."
AQ DF  Post #: 11
6/6/2013 4:07:27   
battlemaster25
Member

It's incredibly late, but my story has finally been finished! I'm sorry for the anti-climactic ending, I'm not good with endings.

(Also this chapter took way too long for me to write and I'm sure nobody cares about this thread anyway)
AQ  Post #: 12
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