Elryn
Custodian (DF)
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@Muchiha
quote:
I made my way through the main hall of the Airship of my clan and there I found a multitude of m Clansmen talking feverishly amongst themselves.
My.
quote:
“Muchiha! Muchiha! Thank goodness you have arrived”
I noticed you did this a fair bit through out your dialogues. I do not know if it was intended or not, but I shall say this: dialogue within the quotation marks counts as sentences so there should be punctuation at the end. Which punctuation is a bit up in the air. I need to review my knowledge of that. I am not quite certain what the standard is and I have notice variations through other forumnites' writings which at this point is likely quite all right.
My own suggestion: arrived!
I shall let you deal/decide on what you shall do with this matter in your story as a whole.
quote:
I tool the letter from Aerus' hand and read its contents.
Took, Aerus's. Grammar reminder: only plurals with s have an apostrophe without an s. Singular possession of words ending in s is the same as any other singular possession.
quote:
There is a group of Trumpha that is currently
Hmmph. You Paxian scum are no match for the Trumpha and Xov Arakue! The battle will be over before it even began!" said one of the Trumpha.
A Trumpha unsheathed a knife and mercilessly cut down one of our Aerodu Clansmen.
asked the leader of the 13 Trumpha members.
We shall slay trumpha after trumpha
surrounded the 13 Trumpha
(Imagine the 13 Trumpha Standing at the edge of that platform where the guy is)
hict98 and myself began to release a portion of our power, and moved towards the frightened group of Trumpha. The leader of the small group of Trumpha scared out of his mind said,
The last Trumpha scrambles to his feet and flees.
Truphma.
quote:
A group clansmen rushed to Aerus and began healing his grievous injuries. A well-known clansmen named hict98 stepped forward holding the letter and said,
Clansman, said:.
quote:
We will destroy with everything we have
Destroy you?
quote:
Fellow paxians let us now go crush Xov and her army.
Coma after paxians.
quote:
The Aerodu clansmen let out shouts in response.
A tad repetitive and odd sounding. Shouted would be fine. Cried or roared would do splendidly as well. Removed the period.
quote:
hict98 and myself began to release a portion of our power, and moved towards the frightened group of Trumpha. The leader of the small group of Trumpha scared out of his mind said,
Remove the first coma, it is not needed. Replaced the second one by a colon.
quote:
I took a deep breath and said.
Replace the period with a colon.
quote:
Madness?.........THIS. IS. PAXIA!
I would say those periods are unnecessary and/or confusing. If you want to make a pause or stretch the query, I would go with ''Madness...?''. Even reading casually, my mind paused on what exactly the tone of those excess periods was.
quote:
I kicked the leader hard in his chest as he fell out of the Aerodu Airship, screaming his lungs out, and plunged onto the jagged rocks of Geoto below. hict98 raised his blade and said,
That first sentence is a tad confusing. I would rework it, possibly divide it into two sentences. I am fairly certain that you mean you kicked him in the chest and he fell out as a result rather than kicking him in the chest as he fell out due to unknown causes. Replace the coma with a colon.
quote:
The high-ranking Aerodu members finshed the 11 members off
finished.
quote:
hict98 said to him,
"Now leave and tell of what you have seen" The last Trumpha scrambles to his feet and flees.
Replace coma with colon. Add a period after seen. Scrambles and flees should be in the past tense. Remember: you cannot change tense from one sentence to the next in a narrative.
quote:
“Greetings to you Generals! Lucians: Popinloopy, Wrym, Eschaton Thunder, Darius. Igneus: ss2195, CH4OT1C!. Nocturus: 0Neo and Lord Scorpio and finally kors and Salem.”
“Muchiha, glad you could make it,” said Wrym.
Wyrm.
quote:
Raising his blade, he uttered a few words which caused a bright light to emanate out from his blade unto the arguing members of the Paxian clans. Once they all stopped bickering, kors addressed the crowd,
Remove out. Emanate already suggests it so it is unnecessary really. The second may be more of a subjective qualm however it sounds a tad odd. My own suggestion would be ''When the bickering had ceased''. Lastly, replace coma with colon.
quote:
But what we have now is a looming threat of great magnitude that might destroy the very lands with which we all call home.” Popinloopy continued where kors left off,
Remove with. Replace coma with colon.
quote:
Whatever the threat may be division amongst our clans will not help the situation!”
Coma after be.
quote:
I don’t know about you my dear Paxians but I will not stand by as Vox laughs as we struggle to be divided from ourselves!”
That last bit is lacking a bit of sense. It needs to be reworded. Example: I will not stand by and let Vox laughs at our bickerings, division and pitiful attempts to unite.
quote:
“I shall do my best to my utmost ability to be of service to this cause. I will.”
Hmm... I am not certain about the sentence as a whole however that may be more of a personal qualm. Either way, the bolded needs to change. It should be ''to the utmost of my ability''. I do advise rewording the sentence. Example: I shall my best to the utmost of my ability and thus pledge my service to this cause.
Also, for the three narrative sentence preceding the three clans members' dialogue, a colon is required after the declarative verb as indicated in previous instances.
quote:
Then slowly but surely, the entire gathering of all 8 Clans stood up with a chorus of I will! When everyone was at their feet Darius closed the meeting with a speech of great power.
Place that in quotes to distinguish it as dialogue and place a a period afterwards: a chorus of ''I will!''.
quote:
She comprehends NOT, the forces with which she meddles!
Remove the coma. It is unneeded as no break is needed there.
quote:
A chorus of yells, shouts, and cheers shook the walls of the meeting hall.
Remove the second coma.
quote:
Everyone else raised their blades in the air and replied,
Replace coma with colon.
As for the story, most interesting. The Truphmas seem to have had the intelligence drained out of them just as much as creativity. I had a good laugh at their antics.
@Flashbang
quote:
Welcome to the Pack Salem.
Remove capitalization from pack and place a coma afterwards.
quote:
popinloopy you can have 5 schnozzberry bush seeds.
Coma after popinloopy.
quote:
Thigs are about to get serious!
Things.
quote:
Geoto: Sorry, everybody is doing that now. That's the all the clans new battle cry.
Removed the.
quote:
Nautica: *whispers to Salem* help me.
Capitalize help.
quote:
Staff: We didn't, but since your here, read this letter:
You're.
quote:
Lucius: Neigh!This is impossible!
Space before This. On a side note: egads... That pun.
quote:
Lucius: Neigh! Paxia shall never fall
Exclamation mark after fall.
quote:
Wyrm: popinloopy you were right. He is good to have in a fight.
Switch around: You were right, popinloopy.
quote:
Dynami will shock you with it's amazing power
Its.
quote:
Nautica will make sure you drown in your own hopelessness, and us
Remove coma.
A side correction: some instances of Trumpha rather than Truphma need to be corrected.
quote:
popinloopy: Of course I can! this proves a problem though, doesn't it?
Capital to ''this''.
quote:
Staff: Maybe. Who are you
Question mark missing at the end of the query.
quote:
kor: The Trumpha had taken over Paxia and used it's inhabitants and all fighting in the war to conquer Lore. I've come to change that future.
Its.
quote:
Fight with Valor, Die an Honorable Death!
Unnecessary capitalization.
quote:
popinloopy: Don't Worry kor, you got that right.
Remove capital from worry.
As for the story, Artix would likely be proud.
I am going to take a break and then get back to reviews. Kors is next. Popin did a poem which means I would be less adequately put to review it. Unless he wishes otherwise, I shall skip it for now.
Edit: @Kors
quote:
An intense passion began burning in many Lorians' hearts when word came.
Replace with to burn.
quote:
When the arrived at the first few clan headquarters the news of the delivery and it's contents spread faster than wildfire(or so Igneox would have the others believe).
They, its. Coma after headquarters.
quote:
Aerodu Clan member spread over many of the camps in the hopes that it cause a few heads to explode from the sheer creativity and originality in each word.
Add would in between.
quote:
No matter what Paxus did, the result would be a war Paxia has not seen the likes of for years.
In.
quote:
The giant looked over the small(compared to him anyway) letter with intense curiosity.
I would suggest putting what is in parenthesis between two sets of comas instead. It would better fit into the sentence. I would additionally suggest moving ''letter'' before the coma break.
quote:
All those gathered cheered as Paxus made it clear what his decision was, Paxia was united in a way they rarely saw.
Replace the coma with a period and separate into two sentences.
quote:
A faint smile made it's way across the teacher's face to see that Xov would have her hands as full as her with her students during a field trip.
Its.
quote:
She knew exactly what they wanted and she was in just the mood to see off their legion of heroes as they defend everything she stands for.
Switch around: just in. Endeavoured to defend, stood.
quote:
The desert stretched out indistinctly, every single direction looked the same as the sands were only ever bothered by the very rare footsteps of it's new inhabitants.
Its.
quote:
Today an important news awaited to be delivered
Remove an.
quote:
“What did they say.”
Replace period with question mark.
quote:
As soon as the sundial struck seven o'clock a humanoid Truphma wandered
Coma after o'clock.
quote:
“So then, they have become divided and are begging me to let them in are they?”
Coma before are they.
quote:
Her laugh instantly stopped, an intense stare met the Truphma as he continued.
Replace coma with period and divide into two separate sentences.
quote:
“They are united yes,”
Coma before yes. Replace existing coma with ellipsis.
quote:
“It is an unprecedented number from all the scouts have said, not only Clan members but Guardians and Adventurers along with the Chosen are heading for Paxia.
Replace coma with period and separate into two sentences.
quote:
The only good news is the fact the your opposite is not counted among their number at the moment,
That.
quote:
As soon as he finishes his news for the day, another Truphma enters the pavilion. In his bleached white hands he holds dozens of papers, all of them addressed to Xov and each one from a separate Clan member.
Finished, entered, held.
quote:
And so the war begins.
Began.
quote:
Xov had made one of the worst mistakes a villain could have ever made it seemed to everyone involved.
Hmm... The wording in that sentence is a bit odd to me. Personally, I would suggest something more like this: Xov, in the opinion of everyone involved, had made one of the worst mistakes a vilain could have ever made.
quote:
When he heard of the letter he decided he needed to do a little “scouting”.
Had heard, had decided and coma after letter.
quote:
He never bother to go back to the moment after the blast to see, and began to regret not even trying.
Bothered. Remove the coma.
quote:
“After this I’ll see if it is even possible without completely altering this timeline, I owe it to them anyway,”
Coma after this. Replace the first coma by a period and divided into two sentence.
quote:
With all the supplies they were bringing(produced by Vox’s students for the last year as defensive measures and traps against the Truphma) they could easily hold the island for years if it came to it. Things were going all in their favor it seemed.
Replace the parenthesis with a pair of comas. Remove all from the second sentence. No need for it.
quote:
The spirit of all those involved could never have been greater, even if it was in support of another place that they all loved more.
Remove the coma.
quote:
the passion each and everyone here had definitely was far more than the Truphma could claim to have.
Switch definitely and was around.
quote:
and as protection incase of a siege scenario.
Space between in and case.
quote:
They had numbers they have not seen in years, all working with a single goal in mind: turn back Xov’s army and prove they will not fall alone.
Had, would.
quote:
The only thing left that they did not truly have was a war plan beyond locking themselves away while Battleon’s Guardians and Adventurers turned back the army.
I would reword the first part of the sentence as part of it is slightly confusing and part of it is unneeded. Example: The only flaw in their plan perhaps was that the Paxians had no other venue than locking themselves away while Battleon's Adventurers and Guardians turned back the army.
quote:
On Paxus’ island the Clan leaders and several representatives gathered
Paxus's. Add a coma after island.
quote:
“They are coming along nicely,” he said with a flutter of his large wings and a quick flash of light, “All the ones meant for the Clan Bases are there and the ones for Paxus and Negatus should arrive soon.” His representative nodded in agreement.
She, her. Also, the his in the last sentence is a tad ambiguous as to whom it refers to I would say. If it is Dynamo's representative, then as with the others, it should be changed to her.
quote:
All the representatives gave Salem a suspicious glare, all the members of each and every Clan was in agreement on this war
Replace with were. The subject of the verb is ''all the members''. Plural subject + was = were.
quote:
We need to consider all possibilities, if we let the idea that we know exactly
Replace come with period and separate into two sentences. As a general rule, never put a coma before if with the exception of if it is an aparte (between two comas). Either it begins a sentence or it connects one together making a coma unnecessary.
quote:
If we let a traitor easily slip into our ranks we might as well give up now, something none of us here want,
Coma after ranks.
quote:
“From the looks of it we can get to any of the land locked Clan bases with ease.”
Coma after it.
quote:
Hope that is good enough for your plans Salem,
I am not too certain of the structure intended for this sentence so may be incorrect in this correction: ''it'' is missing before is and a coma should be added after plans.
quote:
Salem responded as he looked over the map before one more time.
Him is missing after before.
quote:
The sands beneath their feet become white as snow during their march.
Became, as they marched.
quote:
Xov was annoyed with how the Lorians were reacting, it seemed almost as good as kicking a cute puppy in their eyes.
Replace coma with period and separate into two sentences.
quote:
Every few minutes she had a Truphma appear in the camp holding letters
Coma after minutes.
quote:
At the rate her soldier’s were dropping, she would likely have numbers closer to the Lorian’s then she would have liked.
Soldiers', Lorians'.
quote:
As he lay down on the bed he rented for just the two days they would likely be in there, a knock came.
Too much said and going on for one sentence. It needs to be broken down accordingly. Example: His gaze scanned the small room he had rented for the two days they would be remaining. Just as he laid down on the bed, a knock came to door.
quote:
“Is Kor in this room? I have a package for him,” a man on the other side of the door asked who ever might be in the room,
Remove the part after asked. It is not needed.
quote:
at the box that obstructed the mans face.
Man's.
quote:
The Chronomancer wasted no time with opening it.
In.
quote:
The Chronomancer wasted no time with opening it. He remembered getting something similar to this box twice fairly recently, both times from Ballyhoo. Although this one looked like it had been opened once before, unlike the others.
That second sentence actually does not stand as a sentence alone. Suggestion: The Chronomancer wasted no time with opening it. He remembered getting something similar to this box twice fairly recently, both times from Ballyhoo, although this one looked like it had been opened once before, unlike the others.
quote:
She was always a little enigmatic about the strange gifts she gives.
Gave.
quote:
Kor thought as he pulled out the parchment.
Switch Kor and thought around. Remove ''the parchment'' and turn it into ''as he pulled it out''. You mentioned the parchment in the previous sentence so best to use a pronoun in its stead.
quote:
Oddly enough it was not Ballyhoo’s writing on the letter.
Coma after enough.
quote:
I had Ballyhoo give me this weapon because I stumbled on another camp, and something big.
I think ''you'' is intended here. Remove the coma.
quote:
After the assault was over one of them even began sorting through a bunch of the letters, with color slowly going up his arms.
Coma after over and remove the coma after letters.
quote:
from victory and could gloat in the will heroes face. Right?
Replace period with coma and merge the sentences.
quote:
the island they have supposedly set their sights on, and the greenest
The blade was curved towards the end, and looked
Remove the comas.
quote:
for several seconds before he felt the blade of his new weapon.
Its blade.
quote:
When he found the hilt he grabbed it and freed it from it’s blanket of styrofoam.
Its.
quote:
A lone sky blue gem found it’s way to the center of the wicked weapon, and radiated
Its and remove the coma.
quote:
On the edge of the hilt another note was attached by a string. This time it was from the gold giving elf.
Coma after hilt and time.
quote:
It’s power lets you take on the form of this dreadful beast
Its.
quote:
He had his fun with weapons that altered their user’s bodies before so he figured
Body.
quote:
He placed his hand on the azure gemstone and felt the pulse of it’s magic.
Its.
quote:
The four winged terror of the skies returned and prepared to return to it’s kingdom.
This sentence is confusing especially with the repetition of return. It needs rewording and clarification
quote:
and charge the great beast while it still had it’s back turned to them.
It’s four wings blew the unprepared attackers off their feet and into the dock.
Its.
quote:
The roar of an engine roared through the hall of Aerodu’s airship.
In a situation like this, make use of your extend vocabulary and use a synonym. Example: The roar of an engine blasted through the hall of Aerodu's airship.
quote:
A lone engineer watched for any signs of a potential engine failure, the old thing had not been turned on in an age or more.
I would suggest a semi-colon or separating into two sentences in this situation as these could stand alone
quote:
now lets see if this baby can still fly, kupo!”
Let's.
quote:
as he turned towards his the majority of his Clan.
Fiarly certain that his does not belong there.
quote:
Eventually it became near impossible for the group gathered down
Coma after eventually.
quote:
Cid attempted to shout over the over the engine’s loud whirring,
One over the too many.
quote:
The grey mountains of that his Clan,
The wording is not quite right here.
quote:
A mobile base would be incredible useful in this coming war,
Incredibly.
quote:
Aerodu was on it’s way to becoming important,
Its.
quote:
“Yes commander. I will not start a fight with the Zealot until after this war, if even than.”
Then. Coma after yes. remove the coma before if.
quote:
Either way Paxia was not going down easy, or alone.
Coma after way.
quote:
Even though he had been flying for quite awhile it felt good to fly like this.
A while. Coma after while.
quote:
Lets hope I can avoid being seen by them,”
Let's.
quote:
into the sky and signified the last leg of a journey.
I would personally make it ''last leg of the journey''.
quote:
closer to Lucius’ home and base.
Lucius's.
quote:
enjoyed the birds eye view they now had noticeably
Bird's.
quote:
The Clan members who could fly found the free ride much more relaxing than enjoyable, if they wanted to see Paxia
Replace the coma with a period and separate into two sentences.
quote:
Night was to fall in only a few hours on the island, yet the shimmering city that was Lucian’s base would remain same.
Yet is a connector thus eliminates the need of coma before it. Add the between remain and same.
quote:
Eventually several creatures of light flew up to investigate the strange sight,
Coma after eventually.
quote:
this was unheard of have passed Ligeye.
Coma before Ligeye.
quote:
After a minute of awkward silence, the sight of the fellow Clan leader alone and moving steadily towards them.
A verb is missing in this sentence. My suggestion changing the end to ''in their direction greeted them''.
quote:
Lucien exclaimed,
Lucius.
quote:
to the meeting with the Guardians, if you let me speak with pilot."
Remove the coma.
quote:
The Hawke closed both eyes and sighed,
Hawk.
quote:
"Oh, no not in a place like this.
''Oh no,''
quote:
Aerodu flocked to see their leader and Lucien leave the large hangar bay.
Lucius.
quote:
Ligeye glared at them at first, hoping to dissuade them from coming any closer, when that failed he released
Replace that second coma with a period and separate into two sentences.
quote:
Madara decided that he was as good as Lucius himself, thinking the domineering Dragon was the Pegacorn's bodyguard.
This one is a tad confusing. Do you mean to say that Madara thinks of the Dragon as inferior to him due to being Lucius's bodyguard?
quote:
"So, I assume you and Lucien know about who is in on the meeting?
Lucius.
quote:
"You are not having a change of heart are you?
Come after heart.
quote:
the strength to fight one of it's own
Its.
quote:
I assume you did not chose to bring him along?"
Choose.
quote:
Lucius’ face contorted as he thought
Lucius's.
quote:
So, who did you chose?"
Choose
quote:
"Hey, Wrym, looks like we have a ride now!
"Wrym! Wake up!
the wizard that Wrym was
The door to Wrym’s room
Wyrm.
quote:
"I hear ya! Be out in a minute or two Popin.
Coma before Popin.
I am stopping here for now. I shall get to the rest of the story when I may.
< Message edited by Elryn -- 7/17/2013 16:17:47 >
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