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The Last Sylvan Discussion Thread

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7/26/2013 22:29:21   
Trainz_07
Member

Right, so here is the discussion thread for my story, The Last Sylvan. As I've mentioned, I've had this story in the works for quite some time now, and I've finally gotten around to actually writing it (no thanks to procrastination and whatnot). Even though I have a rough sketch of where this story is plot, I'm still leaving room for the story to grow on its own. Though I might not be able to regularly update it, I will strive to write something up as soon as possible. After all I certainly want to actually finish this tale.

Anyways, here it is

Prologue - Loss
Chapter 1 - Fairy Queen
Chapter 2 - Resolution



Glossary:
Fairies: Magical beings of uncertain origins, they are divided into many subraces such as nymphs, undines, sylvans and aes sidhe.
Sylvan: A subrace of the fairies intimately connected to forests. Holding powers of nature, they viewed the protection and nurturing of forests as their utmost priority.
Devil's Wroth: A powerful magic that allows the caster to control black flames that capable of corrupting the very soul. Highly dangerous.
Heirs of Ysa: An Order made up of the Aes Sidhe, they are the elite of the elite in the fairy army and personal body guard to the monarch of the fairies.
Sluagh: An evil spirit of the underworld, possesses people with high magical potency to spread destruction. Thought to have been banished from the world.

People and places:
Alderon: A talented swordsman and spellcaster of Sylvan heritage, Alderon is the very last of his kind.
Rheanne: The current queen of the fairies.
Illyaweir: An ancient forest and home to Alderon.
Ringfort: Capital of the fairies.
Myris Pavron: One of the cities of the humans.


< Message edited by Trainz_07 -- 8/15/2013 6:56:42 >
AQ  Post #: 1
7/29/2013 12:07:20   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


 Out of AE prose? Hmm... My curiosity is peaked. Do you mind if I go over for proof reading as well?
AQ  Post #: 2
7/29/2013 21:41:40   
Trainz_07
Member

By all means, go right ahead. Thanks in advance as well.

< Message edited by Trainz_07 -- 7/29/2013 21:42:00 >
AQ  Post #: 3
7/30/2013 9:38:17   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)
quote:

for one particular night, and that night had turned out to be an unpleasant one indeed.

I am inclined to think that this coma is unneeded.

quote:

Their backs were covered with a disorderly morass of stiff fur, as if somebody had decided to haphazardly plaster it on them.

he landed with scant any impact, as if a cushion of air broke his fall.

he briefly spoke the necessary words of power,

the gauntlet was a gift from a dear old friend,

A sudden tongue of flame reached out to scorch him,

Who are you, and why have you sought to bring ruin to my forest?

No need for those comas.

quote:

The death of yet another one of their comrades served to aggrieve the rest of the hellhounds

One more personal note here. Aggrieve seems a bit strange to use in contrast with the rage of the Hellhounds. Aggravate would be a better word for the occasion I think.

quote:

ensnaring the hounds like a flies in a spider’s web.

Like flies in a spider's web.

quote:

and thus it was of remarkable fortitude that he managed to hold his own against such a brutal pack of beasts for so long.

Hmm... I would be inclined to think that here it that ''with remarkable fortitude'' would be more adequate than employing of.

quote:

All around him the hounds too tentatively backed off

Coma after him.

quote:

which had been adorned with a pair of sinister ram horns.

Was adorned. Unless you meant that he had a pair and no longer has now.


On the story:

*Elryn shakes his fist at Trainz for writing a story entrancing to the degree he had difficulty pausing for proof reading*

*chuckles* On a more serious note, wonderfully done. The prologue alone made me admire the Sylvan and his prowess and utterly loath that demon's spawn for cruelly ending his life *squeezes fists*.
AQ  Post #: 4
7/30/2013 20:08:26   
Trainz_07
Member

I have completed the amendments. Thank you again for proofreading, to be honest I would never have noticed some of my mistakes had you not pointed it out. It would seem that I need to reflect upon my obsession with commas :p

I'm glad you enjoyed the prologue, hopefully I'll be able to squeeze some free time and get something up soon.
AQ  Post #: 5
7/30/2013 20:48:39   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


 Aye, comas are something to use sparingly. Only when an actual pause occurs. At least, last I recalled. I might have a tad bit of an obsession myself cringing at excess comas *chuckles*. And most welcomed.

I look forwards to it.
AQ  Post #: 6
8/9/2013 3:40:34   
Trainz_07
Member

Chapter 1 has been posted. Additionally, I have also prepared a glossary in the first post of this thread just to clear away any confusion.
AQ  Post #: 7
8/12/2013 13:15:36   
Crystal Sunshyne
Member
 

 Good story :) I like the way you write. If you don't mind proofreading, I did notice a few edits you could make:

Prologue

quote:

He had never awaken

awoken

quote:

he decided to don his usual apparel: A handsome tunic

a

quote:

It was only when he felled another of their comrades did the hellhounds finally took notice of his existence

'did' should be 'that'
Or you could phrase it as, "Only when he felled another of their comrades did the hellhounds finally take notice of his existence"

quote:

No matter how much of his mana that he let flow into his shield

I would leave out the 'that'

Chapter 1

quote:

as they rounded around a corner, pass a small copse of cherry trees whose flowers were bestowed with a faint, shimmery light

rounded a corner, past

quote:

How I miss those days.

This should be in italics to show that it is Rheanne's thought, the same way you italicized "Fascinating creatures, these Aes Sidhe"

I will try to eschew explaining my possible slight difference in opinion on the subject of punctuation, as it might be an unnecessary comma-nt ;)
Sorry XD I enjoyed that pun too much

Anyway keep writing :)
Post #: 8
8/15/2013 6:59:30   
Trainz_07
Member

@Crystal Thank you very much for the encouragement and the proof-reading as well, I am very grateful for it =)

So chapter 2 has been posted, please do feel free to ask any questions should you have them. Enjoy.
AQ  Post #: 9
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