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Commentary of the (Not-so)Many logs of Mareth

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11/15/2013 22:44:53   
Mareth
Member

So Um...I'm not dead you guys! I know, most of you newer people probably don't know me, but that's 'K', because I've been gone quite a while, and am just now trying to make a comeback into the world of AE~! ....Sorta.

Anywho, This is the thread where I would LOVE to hear feedback from all of you L&L-ers out there. I currently only have A Hymn for the Dark as of now, but I am notorious for writing an exuberantly large amount of un-needed short works, that dwell into the background of any of my characters, or sometimes just random characters in general(Those that may have never been mentioned in a work of mine, but I feel the need to create for Avatars-Know-What)

A Hymn for the Dark, is technically a Collaboration work between me and Shadow Ravena, but seeing as we are technically not an 'Official' Collaboration group I am simply going to put it in the DragonFable category. I'm not quite sure what has inspired the writings here, but I know that both me and Shadow have worked really hard on setting it up, and would LOVE your commentary on it. It follows the adventures of Mareth and Shadow(Of course) on a mission to understand their Dark Magics and in the meantime, Earn Shadow her Freedom, by destroying the 100 Necromancers and attempting to defeat Sepulchure.

< Message edited by Mareth -- 11/16/2013 20:58:04 >
DF AQW  Post #: 1
11/17/2013 10:02:17   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


 Welcome back to the land of insanity!


Well, in my completely unbiased opinion, I think it is great. But... some errors.

One general comment is that some words are capatalized seemenly randomely- and while it can highlight importance, it gets a tad disorienting. It makes it seem like a new sentance is starting, even when its not suppose to.

quote:

He was far to familiar

too

quote:

broken out in the towns square

town's square (picky picky grammar thing)

quote:

He quickly paced himself around the town

himself isn't needed (not so much grammar as flow)

quote:

After, maybe a good three

No comma needed

quote:

He was taken by surprise and his heart began to pound rapidly in his chest. It wasn't so much that he was afraid of this attacker, as it was that he was taken by surprise

Bit of redundancy there with the taken by surprise.

quote:

After a quick moment of thinking he shot up a wall of ice leading to the next building across, as he began to run past the blast of light scorched the ice wall, causing him to tumble in surprise and fall upon his chest and quickly crawling behind the next building.

Run on sentance. Somewhere that should be split into two sentances. (also, the blast of light part is a bit confusing, since you suddenly change subjects from Mareth to the light)

quote:

wasn't even sure if where exactly

no if needed.

quote:

why weren't they shooting at him now

This is picky, but the plural doesn't make sense since Mareth has identifided his attacker as one person.

quote:

he heard his attacker grunt in confusion, but was quickly able to retaliate but was only able to throw a rough wall of ice towards her

Subject change again from Mareth to attacker to Mareth. It makes it a little difficult to tell who is doing the action. I would suggest either making it two sentances, or adding a 'he' before 'was quickly...'

quote:

none-the-less

nonetheless is actually one word (English is weird).

quote:

confined area like this, it was just to dangerous

too

quote:

That Soul-Type isn't common around the mainlands?

Why a question mark if Mareth is making a statement? If it is a question-he doesn't know if it is or not-then the sentance needs to be reworded. More likely, though, I think you mean it as a statement, thus a (.) or (!) is appropriate.

quote:

She chirped hapilly

happily.

quote:

but I put to much time

too

quote:

grabbed the keys and flung them towards Mareth, who still not exactly in his wake, was met with a face full of keys, which then descended quickly to the floor.

Firstly, in his wake. Secondly, again, the subject change which makes it a little confusing to read. 'was met' only makes sense if Mareth is the subject, since its passive.

quote:

Half-Demon, Heritage

The comma wants to join the party, but he was not invited. (bad joke...)

Okay, I'm done being a grammar nazi. Overall, a strong start!
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 2
11/17/2013 20:42:29   
Mareth
Member

Sorry~! I was a bit distracted and Half-Asleep when I wrote those xD I'll get to fixing them immediately!
DF AQW  Post #: 3
11/18/2013 9:39:18   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 I'll trust Shadow Ravena took care of all the grammar, so expect questions of a different nature from me.

Take into account that I have already read tigerlady's history.

1. You mention that Serenity hid your protagonist's weapon to stop them from fighting, did she forget the two of them are capable of magic?

2. I don't know when this story plays, but why not simply use Twilly or another moglin for that matter to heal their wounds?

3. What are the "mainlands"? Even as a person who has played dragonfable I can only guess at this.

4. tigerlady disclosed a lot of personal information too easily to a random stranger she perceives as a necromancer, an enemy. She didn't even tell Warlic before he confronted her with the illusion magic she cast over herself to keep her identity safe. Even in the scenario that she would be that .... open, she's infamous. Everybody throughout the land knows "shadow" and the evil she committed. So much gossip surrounds her that it'd be impossible not to know about her.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 4
11/22/2013 17:33:29   
Mareth
Member

Okay, I understand where your questions are coming from, so I'll try and answer them without giving out TOO many spoilers.
------------------------------------------------

1. I've always noted the starting of fights tends to be linked to weapons being drawn, and without them she hopes to keep the amount of fighting to a minimum, She knows they are both capable of magic, but any chance of stopping destruction is better than none. Do you understand what I mean?

2. Twilly and the other Moglins are out trying to repair the damage to the city, and having a particular soul-type as Mareth does, regular healing magic wouldn't work as well.

3. The 'Mainlands', as Mareth refers to them, are all Kingdoms under Alteon's rule, I intend to add other contents in each compass direction.

4. Shadow was under the impression that this 'Necromancer' was about to Kill her, and she even stated that he 'Already knew' why she was after him, when he didn't understand she felt the need to explain herself. You do crazy things when you're beaten to **** and are under the impression you are about to get killed. With the 'Everybody throughout the land..." thing, Mareth isn't...'of this land'. And the short time he's been in 'This land' he's spent inside Serenity's Inn or Losing himself inside the Texts inside the Guardian Tower's library.
DF AQW  Post #: 5
11/23/2013 5:39:03   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @Mareth:

1. Sort of, I suppose. Though I am of the opinion that Serenity should know better than that after her inn was burned to the ground by Xan.

2. Does this mean shadow also isn't able to be healed by moglin magic?

3. So the mainlands are the continent of Battleonia (excluding territories such the Sandsea as King Alteon does not rule there)?

4. I was under the impression inns were the source of most good gossip with weary travellers and bards coming in with news from all over Lore.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 6
11/23/2013 13:11:28   
Mareth
Member

@Dwelling

1. Well since Mareth had been staying there a while, She should expect better from him.

2. Only the Claw mark can't be healed by Moglin Magic, he had a healer sent to her in chapter 3 after their conversation

3. Pretty much~

4. Mareth really didn't spend much time in the Inn besides sleeping, the closest he usually came to conversations is Greeting from Serenity, and when he would ask the lorekeeper about books.

Much of this will be pointed out in later chapters and such, I'm just not known for putting all information in at the present time of it's happening, and much is just to be assumed from it

< Message edited by Mareth -- 11/23/2013 13:12:09 >
DF AQW  Post #: 7
11/25/2013 9:38:07   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


 Alright, more grammar nazi/nitpicky stuff.

quote:

me in my agony~!?"

Why the ~ ? I have never seen that used as punctuation before- it isn't necessarily wrong, just odd.

quote:

You're reason was justified,

Your, not you're

quote:

You're reason was justified, as misjudged as you were, you had your reasons, and now you know better.

Reasons mentioned twice is a bit redundant.

quote:

morose tone, took on a bit of a growl

no comma needed

quote:

get for now, atleast" Mareth

at least is two words

quote:

The Sword itself was nothing special, a Thin-almost Rapier like blade attached to a Silver hilt, twisting around the very bottom of the blade and the entirety of the light Orangish-Red handle, but the Sheathe was very special to him, Along it's Black body, lay several carvings in a silvery material. The Most notable of which read 'Serenity

This whole bit is confusing to read, honestly. What is twisted? As well, several sections would be better off in new sentences (handle. The Sheath... because the focus changes from the blade to a different object) (material. The most... is incorrect, it makes the last sentence lack a verb, thus being a fragment.)

Oh, as well: does the sheath or the blade have the runes on it? At first it sounded like the sheath did, but then Mareth says looking at the blade gave him a sense of peace. Tad confusing.

quote:

text dozens of times he still believed that it held the s

comma needed after times. The first part is an introductory clause (phrase?) and a comma is always after those.

quote:

magic, they say he was

Subject change from the sorcerer to they, so a new sentence is needed.

quote:

in a panic, They attempted

I think that comma is suppose to be a period.

quote:

into the room he first checked

comma after room

quote:

the overtake got the best

Overtake? Do you mean the smog?

quote:

Replied a feint voice from

faint

Making a guess that the gold and black armor will end up being a Death Knight.

quote:

nd where all mostly back in

were

quote:

Shadow. Your Weapon

comma, not period. And again with the capital letters.

quote:

of her senses asking

comma after senses

quote:

just not paying was not

I think you mean 'not paying attention'

quote:

darkness, It didn't bother

period instead of a comma

quote:

I was. And then I woke up.

I was asleep would make more sense.

All right, that's all the picky stuff I could find. One tip, though. It's traditional around here to post when a chapter is done being written, especially if you edit in more content. It helps readers to a) notice the story b) know when they can read it all. Not a rule, mind you, just a tip.

Nothing else, really, I still think it's good.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 8
11/26/2013 21:02:31   
Mareth
Member

Okie doke~ I'll be sure to get on those ASAP! And Okay! I'll be sure to finish chapters before posting them! I just usually have so much else to do while writing that I never get to sit down and finish a chapter when I start it v.v

And it's the sheath that has the runes on it, It's the silver of the blade that makes him feel at peace

< Message edited by Mareth -- 11/26/2013 21:07:17 >
DF AQW  Post #: 9
11/27/2013 8:53:27   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


 Heh, I should finish chapters too... and I miss-spoke. Or spoke unclearly. What I meant was post a notice here, in the commentary thread.

Ahh, okay. Thanks for clearing that up.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 10
11/29/2013 22:51:50   
Mareth
Member

Ohhh! Well, chapter 5 isn't quite finished yet everyone! I just have to get off for the night, so I can sleep and think clearly... The Chapter has now been finished! I will start the next this Friday! :D

And lol, I need to start making my chapters longer, like yours... If only my mind didn't waver as easily... .-.
Which, after the story picks up I do intend on having longer, more drawn out chapters, than what I do now, I'm atm just drawing out basic plans for story, and building a friendship between Mareth and Shadow, than actually advancing the plot itself...

< Message edited by Mareth -- 12/3/2013 11:31:05 >
DF AQW  Post #: 11
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