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(AQ/WF) 44685729's backstory [requesting critique]

 
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1/9/2015 22:32:20   
trekkie5690
Member

[Requesting critique on background information so far]

[Author's note: The title is a placeholder until I can decide on an appropriate name. Also, I'm going to begin by outlining my character's history before starting on the actual story.]

Name: Rachael Jones
Gender: Female
Race: Human-Demon
Sub-race: Vampire
Base class: Battlemage (a mage-trained warrior, uses magic mostly for support spells such as healing, buffs, nerfs, etc.)
Additional training: Pirate/Necromancer/Stormfallen Demon Knight/WarpGuardian Gunner/Fallen Guardian

Clan: Nocturu
Alignment: Official alignment - good. Actual alignment - Unknown, although Guardian spirit healers (translation: psychologists) believe it to be evil.
Elemental affinity: Fire and Darkness from her mother, Water from her father, with secondary wind attribute from her father.

Father: Davey Jones (Yes, that Davey Jones)
Mother: Unknown leader-class demon
Significant other: No one at the moment, although she is an on-off item with [placeholder], an Elven Archermage WarpGuardian Gunner/Assassin/DarkSeeker who is currently serving aboard the LSS Alteon as a Zhoom 6000 Warpfighter pilot for the Spec Ops branch.


Childhood: Raised in BattleOn's orphanage. Continually bullied and harassed because of her heritage (esp. her demon half), ran away at fifteen years of age

Interim period between running away and adulthood: First traveled to Pirate's Cove (stowed away on a smuggler's sloop captained by Hans Olo, the Century Hawk) and trained under Captain Rhubarb. Gained his favor by making his favorite dessert, rhubarb pie. Next traveled to Darkovia, where she was ambushed by vampires, werewolves, werepyres, and dracopyres, all drawn to her by the distinctive bitter scent (metaphorically speaking) of her then-latent demonic powers. She helped the vampire forces escape, and Safiria expressed her gratitude by offering to turn her into a vampire, which she accepted. From there, she trained in necromancy under Kailey Obsidia. After that, she returned to BattleOn and became a Guardian by apprenticing under Serah, but not before settling a few scores with her enemies at the orphanage. They never did find the sociopathic guild spokesperson Bilob (Rumor has it his remains are buried underneath an EbilCorp shopping center; this has never been proven, despite the searching of every EbilCorp mall five times over the years).

Guardianship #1: Nothing of note occurs until the appearance of the AntiGuardian

Outcast #1: Not too long after the appearance and subsequent defeat of the AntiGuardian, Rachael sought out Ghin Surrech, hoping to have him teach her how to control and wield her demonic abilities. It took a lot of flattering and groveling, and even a bit of brinkmanship, but her stubbornness and persistence finally won him over. (Will go into specific details in actual story) Naturally, the Guardians didn't take too kindly too this, and they decided to disavow her. Rachael finished her training and came back to BattleOn to find herself reviled and hated by most of Lore. Expelled from the Guardian Order, shunned by the residents of the major cities as an outcast, and a sizable bounty placed on her head, she drifted throughout Lore, often staying at Safiria's castle in Darkovia in between her wanderings. This went on for several months before the outbreak and conclusion of the Terrible 12 War. After it was over, Rachael vowed to meet with Stragath and Tyranna, who were both leader-class demons. She went to Heck to convince Stragath to provide further training in using and controlling her demonic powers. She was unsuccessful (Stragath was too busy watching One Afterlife to Live to answer any messages) but she had more luck with Tyranna, who agreed to help her. She stayed with Tyranna for a while, leaving only for Frostval Wars and the Guardian Dragon War (partly because she still thought of herself as a Guardian, but also to get revenge against the Guardian Order for disavowing her).

(Warp)Guardianship #2: After the conclusion of the Absol-ution Saga, Rachael was inspired to join the WarpForce, hoping that her demon heritage would be overlooked. She was right for the most part, but she still had a few colleagues who discriminated against her, namely General Leet Stormfront. General Stormfront did his best to make life for Rachael miserable. He always assigned her menial tasks, never letting her go into combat. She was on the verge of handing in her resignation when Captain Temura Ge'Thrak recruited her as a WarpGuardian. She quickly rose through the ranks, eventually becoming Temura's "go-to" person for all sorts of problems. She met her future girlfriend, [placeholder], when she had been assigned to the Flight Deck's "Redball" crew (a maintenance crew tasked with last-minute repairs of down-checked systems for fighters about to launch, as well as the rapid refueling, repairing, and rearming of fighters in combat situations). She served the WarpForce proudly until the current conflict among the four knight orders began.

Stormfallen Demon Knight: When the Order of the Stormfallen Demon Knights opened up its ranks to all who wished to join, Rachael requested and received clearance for TDD [Temporary Detached Duty, for those of you not versed in military acronyms], and promptly joined them. Being half-demon - and the offspring of a leader-class demon at that - she was revered by her fellow knights. Tyranna recognized the young woman who had approached her and asked for help all those years ago. Realizing the extent of Rachael's full potential, she greatly but discreetly influenced her training regime, pushing her to the edge of her breaking point. This gamble on Tyranna's part paid off, as Rachael soon became the strongest demon half-breed alive, and one of the most powerful wielders of demonic magics in all of Lore - stronger than many of the pure-blooded demons.

[Will continue later]

Rough draft of story:

Rachael ran fast, her feet barely touching the grass as she made her way through Greenguard Forest. Although she had escaped BattleOn, surviving the long and dangerous journey through Greenguard Forest would make the orphanage break-out look like one of the Chosen One's daily escapades.
In the distance, Rachael could hear the keening wails of druids, and the angry shouts of elven guards and scouts. She winced, and stopped to take a look around. A large swath of dead vegetation marked her trail. Rachael knew that her demon blood wreaked havoc on elven forests, killing the plants around her. As she watched, the flora near her wilted and died. She took off again, knowing she would be lucky to leave the forest alive. If the elves managed to capture her-

She pushed that train of thought out of her head, not wanting to imagine her fate if she wound up at the mercy of the elves. Best to concentrate on-

-an arrow twanged through the air, impaling Rachael in her right shoulder. She stumbled, but managed to recover and kept running, dodging the flurry of arrows launched at her. She felt a tingling sensation spreading from the wound, and she swore inwardly. Obviously, the arrow had been poisoned. She grasped the shaft of the arrow with her left hand, and yanked it out, ignoring the pain and the blood pouring from the wound. She tossed it aside, and did some quick thinking.

Rachael had learned some basic healing magic from the classes she had been forced to take after she had been identified as possessing magical talents, but wasn't sure if the spells she knew were strong enough to counteract Elvish poisons. She stopped and leaned against a tree trunk, took a deep breath, and muttered an incantation for a healing spell that was somewhat effective at counteracting posion. When she finished the spell, a blue glow suffused her body. The numbness retreated back to the wound, but didn't vanish entirely. She grimaced, flexing her right arm. Full range of motion, but her strength hadn't returned to maximum quite yet. She took off again, using magic that stemmed from her darkness elemental affinity to blend into the shadows.

Five hours and two close calls later, Rachael broke through the last vestiges of Greenguard forest to be greeted by the sight of a large crossroad junction, with signposts indicating direction and distance to a myriad of destinations. She frowned, then rummaged through her bag and pulled out the map she had "borrowed" from the BattleOn Inn. Her eyes widened when she realized that the closest port was in Krovesport, which was at least two week's travel by foot. She was on the verge of desperation when she remembered an old joke about Yulgar's assistant, Hans Olo. Rumors abounded in BattleOn about how Hans had been a smuggler before he started working for Yulgar full-time. There were all sorts of stories out there about his exploits, but whenever confronted with them, he would simply shake his head and change the subject.

Rachael studied the map with renewed determination. If there was a hidden port near BattleOn that was known only to smugglers, it would probably be...here! Her eyes lit up as she studied the coastal terrain near Lord Terror's hideout.



< Message edited by trekkie5690 -- 5/17/2015 16:09:10 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 1
1/14/2015 10:11:33   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


I looked it through and there are three things standing out to me.

1. Please leave open spaces between paragraphs, it makes things considerably easier on your readers' eyes and by extend how much they'll be prone to read of your story.

2.

quote:

Not too long after the appearance and subsequent defeat of the AntiGuardian, Rachael sought out Ghin Surrech, hoping to have him teach her how to control and wield her demonic abilities. Naturally, the Guardians didn't take too kindly too this, and they decided to disavow her. Rachael finished her training and came back to BattleOn to find herself reviled and hated by most of Lore.


You may want to include how she convinced Ghin, because he is dogmatic and I don't see him helping a Guardian.

Further, you describe how she was shunned from the major towns and cities. While I do not see the Darkguards taking Rachael's defection to learning from a Guardianslayer any more kindly than the regular Guardian, Krovesport is rather lawless in and of itself. Would she visit there? Also, since she is a necromancer does this mean that she is welcome in Granemor considering their alliance with the necromancers or did relations go sour with Kaley after she joined forces with Stormfallen?

3.

quote:

When the Order of the Stormfallen Demon Knights was formed, Rachael requested and received clearance for TDD [Temporary Detached Duty, for those of you not versed in military acronyms], and promptly joined them.


Seeing as you requested a critique on the background information, I'd like to point out that the Demon Knight Order founded by Tyranna was formed about 200 years ago. It was said by the author that if the war was won by numbers Tyranna would still have enough Demon Knights to wipe out Rennd and Granemor even with the Crimson Legion disbanded, so they weren't in a terrible rush to recruit from outside either. A cool idea you may like however is that Tyranna wished to replace Demon Lord Eir after she took care of him.


Other than that it looks fine, I look forward to reading a story on this character in the future.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 2
3/7/2015 21:00:44   
trekkie5690
Member

(Sorry it's been so long, I was busy with college)
Thanks! I appreciate the pointers, especially the background information! I'll do my best to work out some of the kinks before I add more, though.
Thanks for the idea about Tyranna replacing Demon Lord Eir, I'll be sure to give you credit when I write the story.
BTW, who are the Darkguards?
As to Krovesport, the only places in Krovesport she would have been welcome in were those where money was the only thing people asked questions about. I'm sure you can imagine what they would be like, so she would probably steer clear altogether.

< Message edited by trekkie5690 -- 3/22/2015 19:20:33 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 3
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