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(OS) The Way of the Void Discussion Thread

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12/15/2012 15:30:13   
Mondez
Member

Well you know its a general discussion of my fanfiction of OS which can be found here:
The Way of the Void

Right now the story is vague because I'm going off a mysterious entrance of a character that finds himself interested of a new world before him. This first mini chapter is a small glimpse, but then will continue to grow and you'll soon gain an ideal plot from it. I welcome all forms of criticism so help me develop the story as you would read from a fantasy novel. ;3

Also if you want you can suggest characters to me as way to join into my story and be part of a journey of this mysterious naysayer.

< Message edited by Mondez -- 12/15/2012 15:32:18 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 1
12/15/2012 16:10:57   
Faerdin
Rune Knight


 First, corrections!
quote:

He wore a long silver coat with a strange insignia that was in a shape of a large with spades at the ends and spiked vines were encircling around it.
I believe there should be a word between "large" and "with."
quote:

The young man wielded a fearful looking scythe, the blade was as tall as the young man and the same cross design decorated the sides of the blade.
Usage of "fearful" would imply that the scythe was afraid. I think "fearsome" would be more appropriate.
quote:

The young man noticed the fiends presence and crooked a smile at its direction and as he turned his back on it, the fiend lunged with vicious blades attached to its arms raised to strike the man with the intent to kill.
The young man noticed the fiend's presence and crooked a smile at its direction and as he turned his back on it, the fiend lunged with vicious blades attached to its arms raised to strike the man with the intent to kill.
(Would also recommend fragmenting the sentence, as it is nearly a run-on.)
quote:

"An admirable attempt, but you were too obvious and i could clearly sense your killing intent." said a voice and in the fiend's vision the young man vanished.
"An admirable attempt, but you were too obvious and I could clearly sense your killing intent," said a voice, and in the fiend's vision the young man vanished.
quote:

Staring at the sky, the fiend was stunned of what happened that seemed like a fraction of a moment in time.
I would consider rephrasing this sentence. I couldn't quite understand it.
quote:

The fiend tried to raise it's arms in another attempt to strike the young man, but it could not. In a raspy voice the fiend replied. "Why should I answer to a filth like you. Let me free so that I may flay your skin and meat from your bones!"
The fiend tried to raise its arms in another attempt to strike the young man, but it could not. In a raspy voice the fiend replied, "Why should I answer to a filth like you? Let me free so that I may flay your skin and meat from your bones!"
quote:

The young man took his hand off the fiend and said. "Thank you, my dear friend for I have obtained the information I seek and I have need to borrow your body for awhile."
The young man took his hand off the fiend and said, "Thank you, my dear friend for I have obtained the information I seek and I have need to borrow your body for awhile."
quote:

The fiend realized the human's words and started to scream hoping for its fellow allies to come and help him, but he realized he came hunting... alone.
The fiend realized the human's words and started to scream, hoping for its fellow allies to come and help him, but he realized he came hunting... alone.
quote:

The last thing it remembered was a voice like bells whispering throughout his being and feeling of warmth as the flame melted into its body and soon its conscience was enveloped in darkness.
The last thing it remembered was a voice like bells whispering throughout his being and feeling of warmth as the flame melted into its body, and soon its conscience was enveloped in darkness.
An interesting interpretation of the banter that may potentially go on as a battle progresses in OverSoul. ^_^
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 2
12/15/2012 17:39:07   
Mondez
Member

Thank you! I'll implement the changes of the errors that you pointed out. I want to use this story as a stepping stone to my own fantasy novel in the future that I've worked on for 2 years.

If Nulgath ever wants to create something based off of this I would be honored. :3

Please enjoy the mini chapter releases that will come in the future, you'll be surprised on how I try to derive from the path of fantasy clichés.

@below Drinde
Sure I'll add it to the first post in the story.

< Message edited by Mondez -- 12/16/2012 19:59:56 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 3
12/16/2012 19:58:23   
drinde
Member

Heh, nice addition of Robina's gold distribution scheme into the story.

Also, maybe you could add a link to the commentary thread in the original story for ease of access?
DF MQ Epic  Post #: 4
12/16/2012 21:23:45   
BJEBLE
Member

Have you read the bit of words when you first create a character in OS? Nulgath just added them either this or last week, and unless you have created another character between now and whenever it was released, you should read it. It's very interesting. I created a fake one just to read, too see the text make a Master Account and then don't click anything, because it will bring you to the character selection screen. Somewhere on the screen it says how and why you are killed.Oh and good Fan Fiction.
DF  Post #: 5
12/16/2012 22:16:19   
Mondez
Member

I have read the intro of the character creation screen and this is pretty much a fan fiction of a side character that I like to be part of the OS Lore. So far you notice that he can gain information through touch and also spiritually turn himself into an Oversoul without having death as a requirement.

I would hope that one day Nulgath would would use this story as a extra quest in the OS lore and have the players fight against something that uses the same abilities as the Oversoul, but the story progresses slow at first though later on it grows into something big.

Here's the character design of the main protagonist of the story if you are interested in the name: (Note that the sprite art and anime art is different than the description in the story, but I plan to update them at a later time.)

http://forums2.battleon.com/f/fb.asp?m=20938271
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 6
12/16/2012 23:16:28   
Faerdin
Rune Knight
quote:

"The woman wants to put gold in my pocket?" thought the young man.
The woman wants to put gold in my pocket? thought the young man.
quote:

The fiend jumped to the side, but a rope that lay waiting caught the fiend's ankle and dangled the possessed fiend in the air. The young woman laughed and approached the possessed fiend.
I feel that "fiend" and "possessed fiend" are a tad overused in these sentences. To remove the repetitiveness, I'd recommend occasionally replacing those two phrases with things like "demon," "monster," or an unspecific pronoun like "he," "him," and "his."
Loved the inclusion of Robina. It's difficult to imagine sometimes that the world of OverSoul is still Lore.
Do you think other Artix Entertainment characters will have a place in this story?
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 7
12/17/2012 13:03:41   
Mondez
Member

@Faerdin
Thanks for pointing out the errors. It's better than last time and I wasn't too sure on how I was going to deal with the thought process since it's mostly third person type of view.

The reason it's probably hard to have a Lore around OS is because the whole official story is centered around an unknown soul that is able to possess countless bodies and it's difficult to base character interactions since the soul is able to take on different forms of different factions.
For example a possessed Seculpture interacting with Artix on friendly terms during a war would be very awkward.

I do plan to add more AE characters even though the OS universe is more dark than the bright AQ universe. You'll notice that the characters in this universe are more serious in OS than what you are used to in the AQ realm.

< Message edited by Mondez -- 12/17/2012 14:03:21 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 8
12/17/2012 20:00:46   
Faerdin
Rune Knight
quote:

This body is becoming more sluggish the more I travel. I need to lighten up the load. thought the young man and preceded to remove himself from the fiend's form.
This body is becoming more sluggish the more I travel. I need to lighten up the load, thought the young man and proceeded to remove himself from the fiend's form.
quote:

He then preceded to change back into the possessed form and again the form melded back to crimson fiend's body.
He then proceeded to change back into the possessed form and again the form melded back to crimson fiend's body.
quote:

"Don't judge me! I may not look like it, but my speed makes up for my size!" yelled the human and then added. "My girlfriend though disagrees!"
"Don't judge me! I may not look like it, but my speed makes up for my size!" yelled the human and then added, "My girlfriend, though, disagrees!"
(Might want to change it to "Though my girlfriend disagrees!")
quote:

With that the silence was again stilling the air and the young man was taken aback by the words that was spurted out by the human.
With that the silence was again stilling the air and the young man was taken aback by the words that were spurted out by the human.
So the spirit claims another for his own... D:
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 9
12/21/2012 9:34:27   
Char
Member

You need a new character... maybe Mon Dez finds another oversoul whose nickname is Little Rascal, an adorable little kid with huge eyes.

< Message edited by Little Rascal -- 2/13/2013 18:53:40 >
Post #: 10
12/21/2012 10:33:48   
drinde
Member

Oooh, new mystery character. Plotsy.

Also, he's call Sepulchure, not Secuplture. ;p
DF MQ Epic  Post #: 11
12/21/2012 12:10:51   
Mondez
Member

I'll fix that X3

I figured the name was wrong.

Creating a good buildup in a story makes the reader want to know what happens next which is what I aim for so stay tuned for more chapters as I try to update frequently.

Also I wondered if I trolled you guys with the fake battle scene chapter. X3

< Message edited by Mondez -- 12/21/2012 12:25:19 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 12
1/28/2013 18:07:37   
UnderSoul
Member

I like it. Quite better than my story. Oh well, I look forwards to future chapters.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 13
2/10/2013 18:03:51   
araxia
Member

I want an update. It's been two weeks since the last one.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 14
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