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RE: Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism

 
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4/2/2009 13:54:18   
Firefly
Lore-ian


I find it hard to finish a long story if I start more than one at once. If you're writing a novel, the fewer distractions the better. And yes, the biggest distraction to writing is your own writing.

Don't let an outline restrict you. Change as much as you want. Heck, I know people who abhor outlines because they're restrictive, but they are a good incentive to simply start writing.

Characterizations grow and change. I think the best way to get to know your characters isn't to plan them out before hand, but to start writing and let them develope themselves.

Then again, all the above is just me. Can't speak for how others write.

EDIT: If I claim one more page, I'm going to get giddy. And crazy.
AQ  Post #: 26
5/14/2009 11:31:39   
Xirminator
Member

Alright, I deleted two of my threads in the narrative and prose section. The stories were going nowhere and the writing was terrible. I will post some of my new stuff soon. Hopefully I've gotten a bit better in the time I've been away.
AQ DF  Post #: 27
6/13/2009 18:16:25   
Xirminator
Member

Alright, I have some of that new stuff up: http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=16135662
AQ DF  Post #: 28
6/16/2009 15:40:50   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Xir! You're still here! Thank goodness.

I missed your comments, but I missed your stories much more. ;)

Science fiction? Man, you don't know how much I want to read this. Is it hard, soft, science-fantasy-ish or not? I'll find out when I read it. Unfortunately, that might not be today (or any time this week) since I still have exams. <_< Just wanted to let you know that I'm definitely interested in reading this, and I'm really glad to see you coming up with new stuff.
AQ  Post #: 29
6/19/2009 12:32:06   
Xirminator
Member

Well, actually I just returned to the forums yesterday :P I've finished with exams a few weeks ago, although I'm getting used to work.

Now, to your question. The story is science fiction only. No fantasy mixed up in there. It's sort of a futuristic Earth, but I won't spoil anything for you.
AQ DF  Post #: 30
6/20/2009 11:29:35   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Your Critique as Requested from the "Need a Hand? I've Got a Few" Workshop

Usual notes: Take my suggestions with a grain of salt, especially since I'm neither scientist nor extreme science fiction fan. However, I am trying my best to help so no matter how weird I sound, perhaps try to consider my suggestions.

Since you said you don't want me to focus on grammar/spelling and just the big picture, that's what I'll do. Oh, and since I'll be discussing the storyline, a warning to anyone who hasn't read the story yet. There will be spoilers in my post. Don't read further if you plan on reading Xirmi's story for yourself.

Your story made me hold off from my brunch. Which means, it caught my attention and held it all the way through. I think you've struck a great balance between having a nifty concept (which sci-fi fans will approve of) and just having a darn good story (which will appeal to the mainstream crowd). Though you may not have the most original sci-fi idea and the best story possible, the fact that you have both to an adequate degree works to your advantage.

For starters, I suggest you add the actual title of the story onto the, well, story post. I didn't even know the title until I saw your workshop request.

Now, what were the areas you wanted me to touch up on? Ah yes, character, mood, story and description.

Characters: The main character seemed... well, he seemed fairly realistic, and his memories of the Ambassador as his childhood friend does somewhat endear the readers to him. Perhaps you could've showed his thought processes a bit more in the end, because his decision was so crucial, but I'm not really sure about this. I think leaving the audience to deduce his thoughts rather than telling them works well as is, so maybe I'm just offering an alternative instead of a suggestion. I think the main "issue" (if it can be called that) is that the main character isn't really 'larger than life' so to speak. Fictional characters should be realistic, yes, but they also should be more distinct, more exaggerated. Donald Maass put it really well in his book Writing the Breakout Novel. Basically, the best characters are ones who don't only say/do what real people do, but also say/do what real people wish they could've said or done.

As for the Ambassador, I expected him to be more of an ice cube after you described him as pure politics. However, it appeared that he was still temperamental and aggressive. Not sure if that's a fitting personality for an Ambassador, but I guess it works. It seems like a common character type, the aggravated authority figure, but I guess it works here.

As for Aligan, no objection. I love how you captured him being ominous but courteous. Very cool.

Mood: This is an area that I think you've done well in. You managed to add an air of tension, but not /too/ much. You built things up to a climax without seeming exaggerated, and you've done a good job of showing emotions rather than telling them. The futuristic air is very prominent without getting in the way of the actual story, and you've done a good job of balancing, well, frustrating the audience (so they want more) and satisfying the audience (so they don't get mad). My former English teacher said it's better to always satisfy the audience. I disagree. Like you said in the story itself, what's the fun in a story where you already know how it turns out?

Story: Another aspect you excelled in, though more because of the theme than the plot, imo. I like how you gave us a backdrop of something futuristic--and horrific, because you know how much I would hate a world where thoughts were not private and literature no longer had a place--but you don't directly discuss the technology. Instead, you add another layer of things with the concept of how much is the truth worth when a lie could save lives. I personally don't think peace should be grounded on a lie, but the greater good ideal will make me hesitate to make a decision if I were in your protagonist's shoes. Though the plot in the beginning didn't seem very unique, I think it was a good build to the ending. My only qualm about the story is that it's not extremely clear why humans withdrew from the galaxy and is refusing to join the United Worlds. I mean, I guess it's something to do with them knowing how to mind read, and I dunno if this is actually relevant, but it might be a good piece of info to know since it'll add another layer of depth to the story.

Oh, btw, I kinda expected a Bradbury-esque "technology will destroy us" by making humans extinct and having the robots rule earth. I'm glad you didn't go the cliche route but created a vision that was still scary.

Description: For a short story, I think you've done a good job. More would ruin the flow of the story. However, there is one thing I need to touch up on in this regard: it's science fiction. The main target of a science fiction story is, well, science fiction fans. Especially today, since though some genres like fantasy (to an extent) are becoming more mainstream, sci-fi remains a niche market. And... science fiction fans like to know that you know your science. Don't get me wrong, you don't need to be brilliant--the greatest hard sci-fi writers today aren't necessarily scientists--but you need to pay attention to adding those little details that'll make this sound like science as well as fiction. For example, when a spaceship enters earth's atmosphere, it has to do so at the /exact right angle/ or else it'll get incinerated. This is pretty common knowledge, and most likely you already know it, but when you're writing science fiction, it might be a good idea to tip your hat at science to add those little details. The science doesn't have to be entirely correct, but it has to be plausible. You simply have to show that you care a bit about the science by adding those little details.

Also, I think you could've added a bit more about watch exactly did Aligan do to the Ambassador. Something about minds again--did he control his mind or something? Maybe I missed it because I wasn't reading carefully enough.

I think that's all I have to say. Basically, good story, good theme. Perhaps try adding a few tidbits about science and letting the audience know why the humans are living in isolation. And maybe try making your protagonist more distinctive, though I think his current more mellow personality fits the role well. Your call.
AQ  Post #: 31
6/20/2009 19:00:31   
Xirminator
Member

Well thank you very much Firefly. I really hoped I had gotten better :P

I'll look into your suggestions and improve the story. Thanks!

As to why the humans isolated themselves, it's because they were completely self-sufficient. I think I forgot to mention that they knew what was going on in the Galaxy, even if they isolated themselves. That bit needs more elaboration, true.

< Message edited by Xirminator -- 6/20/2009 19:03:55 >
AQ DF  Post #: 32
6/21/2009 19:25:36   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Yeah, I know they were self-sufficient, but it's like you're dangling a banana in front of the audience saying, "There's more to the story!" while there apparently wasn't, which is frustrating.

For example, they /suddenly/ stopped outside exploration and retreated into their solar system. Self-sufficiency doesn't happen in a heartbeat. It's a gradual process. Therefore, I thought the mind-reading had something to do with it, but you never say it directly.

I seriously hope I'm making sense.
AQ  Post #: 33
9/5/2009 23:08:14   
ringulreith
Member

I like your latest works, though mostly I like your description flow, and urm, a bit contradictory to FFF, the fact you didn't add to much of the 'science' part of science fiction. It's just too bad your not planning on expanding them, because I can imagine countless ways they could've gone. Great stories over all.
Post #: 34
9/6/2009 5:11:34   
Xirminator
Member

Thank you ont. I might add put a sequel up for the latest one if a suitable idea interests me.
AQ DF  Post #: 35
9/7/2009 11:13:23   
Xirminator
Member

Well, this weekend I actually wrote two stories. That's pretty amazing for me.

One is in the Science Fiction Thread, the other in the Fantasy Thread. They both need editing and some rewriting here and there, but I decided to post them anyway.
AQ DF  Post #: 36
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