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Myrmidon - Comments - 1/10

 
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2/16/2009 8:01:05   
Crimzon5
Member





Story: http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=16425289

Yeah... it got rewritten.

Throw comments and insults critiques if you want... they help :D



*Prays that for once I will finish a story*
*Prays again that for once I won't lose my files* <--- EDIT (10/28/09) hope this one gets answered

Pictures:

Alexander Novum
Krey Noelle
Rebecca Zendalin

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 1/10/2010 8:03:50 >
AQ DF  Post #: 1
2/18/2009 9:07:50   
Crimzon5
Member

Chapter one up :D
AQ DF  Post #: 2
2/18/2009 9:22:23   
Smalls
Member

I could find no grammar mistakes when reading it, so far, I'll check again later when I'm still not half-asleep, but I really liked the imagery in it, Crimz, the imagery in that was great, I could see the blood-soaked battle feild, it was entertaining, I'm looking forward to reading more :D
~Smalls
DF  Post #: 3
2/18/2009 10:48:49   
Helixi
Member

Where can I read it? I'm new to these threads.

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 11:07:18 >
AQ DF  Post #: 4
2/18/2009 12:53:52   
Recar Dragonlance
Member

Hey Crimz, you're an Ak now 0.0 When did that happen?

quote:

Weapons that emitted light that could pierce through a heart of diamond.


Where did this come from? I can see what you're doing... the character monologue as a way to guide the readers into wanting to read more (they do it in games to make you play) but with the sentences around it it's just a bit out of place. Maybe moving it somewhere else and then explain it...?

quote:

Up to know their population doesn’t know the meaning of scarce.


"now"

quote:

divine – started to see humans as an inferior specie


"species"

I would like to ramble on about how much you've improved but I've got to go now lol Well done, I'll read the chapter when I get back : )
DF  Post #: 5
2/18/2009 13:18:25   
Smalls
Member

quote:

“… please, oh please do show me your face. Oh please!”

it should be "... Please, oh please do show me your face. Oh please!"

That's all I could find, looking forward for more
~Smalls
DF  Post #: 6
2/18/2009 23:42:15   
marvin_the_robot
Member

Hey, Crimzon! Comments and Criticism, as promised :)

quote:

Though not as strong as the barbarian minotaurs, humans possessed the brains to surpass the vicious obstacle


I'm not really getting this sentence. Are you referring to the minotaurs as the obstacle? If so, make obstacle plural. Maybe add something to it. Like, "... humans possessed the brains to surpass any vicious obstacle in their way."

quote:

Weapons that emitted light that could pierce through a heart of diamond.


As Recar has mentioned, this may fit better somewhere else. Also, it's an incomplete sentence. I suggest you reword it.

quote:

Those demigods – “Homo divinus” they would call themselves, boasting the fact that they were part divine – started to see humans as an inferior specie.


Species?

quote:

Tsk… how I pity the patriarchs for how low they foresaw women.


I'm not sure if "foresaw" is the right word

That's all I could find in the Prolouge. Good job! I'll do CH. 1 sometime later :)
DF  Post #: 7
2/19/2009 6:21:07   
Crimzon5
Member

thanks guys:

quote:

where can i read it? im new to these threads

click on the giant blue word "Myrmidon". It's a link.

quote:

Hey Crimz, you're an Ak now 0.0 When did that happen?

2-3 weeks ago I think


@Marvin and Recar: Hehe... combined it with the previous sentence.

quote:

Though not as strong as the barbarian minotaurs, humans possessed the brains to surpass vicious obstacles such as those just mentioned, allowing them to create an advanced arsenal consisting of weapons that emitted light which could pierce through a heart of diamond.

and yes, I need help there. That is one long sentence

@ smalls: changed the case
AQ DF  Post #: 8
2/19/2009 6:22:02   
Recar Dragonlance
Member

quote:

Though not as strong as the barbarian minotaurs, humans possessed the brains to surpass the vicious obstacle


Perhaps simply putting "this" in place of the the... that would stop any unnesscary addings-on to the sentence.


quote:

Though not as strong as the barbarian minotaurs, humans possessed the brains to surpass vicious obstacles such as those just mentioned, allowing them to create an advanced arsenal consisting of weapons that emitted light which could pierce through a heart of diamond.


Right, let's split it into two sentences because the longer a sentence is the less stablity it has blah blah blah.. "Though not as strong as the barbarian minotaurs, humans possessed the brains to surpass these vicious obstacles. Their intelligence was so mighty that they could construct an arsenal of weapons that emitted light, which cold pierce through diamond."

< Message edited by Recar Dragonlance -- 2/19/2009 6:31:12 >
DF  Post #: 9
2/19/2009 6:39:19   
Crimzon5
Member

Thanks Recar.

As for the word "foresaw", any suggestions for the replacement?

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 2/19/2009 6:49:03 >
AQ DF  Post #: 10
2/19/2009 6:57:08   
Recar Dragonlance
Member

"how they saw women"? Good and simple?
DF  Post #: 11
2/19/2009 7:04:32   
Crimzon5
Member

Hehe, I was gonna edit your post, but I remembered... no AK powers here. :-<

Anyway, I had thoughts about that... but when I read it with the persona's voice, it sounded... funny. I'll stick to that for now though
AQ DF  Post #: 12
2/22/2009 9:07:17   
Crimzon5
Member

Kay, uploaded chapter 2. Enjoy!
AQ DF  Post #: 13
2/22/2009 11:17:23   
Helixi
Member

I read it and I think it's very good. I found no mistakes. I like that you kept it traditional but, in another sense, modern. :)

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 11:08:59 >
AQ DF  Post #: 14
2/23/2009 6:06:25   
Crimzon5
Member

Thanks. But don't think that this is the ancient, pre-medieval kind of story. True that they dont have guns, and that they use horses. But still, this is like an alternate world. Expect... weird kinds of technologies.
AQ DF  Post #: 15
2/26/2009 4:51:42   
alexmacf
Member

I liked it. I'm too tired to look for mistakes, but I really liked it. Good plot and story. :)
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 16
3/1/2009 7:02:38   
Crimzon5
Member

Hehe, thanks Alex. Currently working on chapter 3. A bit bloody though...
AQ DF  Post #: 17
3/7/2009 7:58:38   
Crimzon5
Member

Okay a few revisions have been done. And the conclusion of act 1 has been posted.
AQ DF  Post #: 18
3/9/2009 12:37:31   
Helixi
Member

I'm too tired to spellcheck and grammar check. It's good so far, Crimzy! :)

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 11:10:30 >
AQ DF  Post #: 19
3/10/2009 2:43:04   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Mammoth Tank assembled and ready to roll over a couple of Knightmares. So here we go.

1) Techincal aspect (From now on, all of Argeus' "Grammar/vocab/punctuation/everything else dictionary related" shall be renamed as such)

quote:

Their intelligence was so mighty that they could construct an arsenal of weapons that emitted light, which cold pierce through a heart of diamond.


It is implied that aggregately, humanity as a race should have a multitude of arsenals of various weapons and designs. See where I am coming from?

quote:

Releasing his rage on the weapon, seeing that it was too weak to slay the monster on time, he punched it several times, creating a dent on the iron blade.


The structure of this sentence is slightly cumbersome, or was it just me?

quote:

The silver Myrmidon gathered the anger into his fists and unsheathed a dagger from a scabbard tied to his waist


Now here, the soldier's armor, instead of himself, should be silver. So, I suggest "silver-clad". This applies to a multitude of cases below.

quote:

Turning his attention to the rather-unarmored mortal


The hyphen is unnecessary here.

quote:

A few feet away from it was its head, which was decapitated when the Myrmidon delivered his final blow.


The "which" clause is slightly redundant, as in, not really needed in this scenario.

quote:

The strike on his side was his only casualty


Uh... no. "Casualty" actually means the count of units/soldiers neutralized (by means of being wounded or MIA or KIA) in combat, rather than damage count itself. Here, a simpler "injury" can do well better, IMO.

quote:

he lowered his head to see his injury.


"Examine" will do wonders here...

quote:

“Not much, your majesty.”


Hmm... normally the title "Your Majesty" is ONLY applied to Lelouch Vi Britannia when he has that all-so-regal Emperor outfit on, and those of equivalent status. Not even Queen Amidala was addressed such - Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan addressed her just simply "Your Highness". See what I mean?

quote:

“Don’t give yourself all the blame. You weren’t capable of doing it on time. Besides, no one is blaming you or anything,”


Contradiction Alert! Normally, "You weren’t capable of doing it on time" in itself is very much a blame, and VERY OFTEN precedes the You Have Outlived Your Usefulness speech. If you want to have the princess's view to be sympathetic, I highly suggest rewording the above.

quote:

“Yes, my Lord,” he replied as if he had lost control of himself.


Cue to Sir Integra Hellsing. If you know what I mean...

Okay, that's about it for the Prologue and C. 1. Most of it is without flaw, but some of those that are not, are extremely hilarious. Imagine Suzaku addressing Nunnally "My Lord"...

2) Conceptual aspect (From now on, all of Argeus' "The Story/The Concept/etc." shall be renamed as such)

quote:

Because of all the glorious feats of my race, the deity known as Arkanthor took humanity into consideration. He gave my ancestors an offer, one that brought about a new race of creatures: demigods. He took hundreds of women, impregnating them with his children. But this had led to two problems, one warned about, the other only to be predicted by a brilliant mind. As they had conceived the offspring of Arkanthor, those women became time bombs, only to self-destruct when the child is born. A non-divine couldn’t handle the bearing of a divine being.


Wait a second... Just... wait a second. Although you have every rights to plot your own mythology, there are... quirks... that takes the sense out of the very concept.

Demigod is not, and logically so, a race. In a scientific context (as in, genetic engineering and the likes) it would be another story, but in this context (i.e. mythology) it is very unlikely that a deity, in the correct mindset, would choose to procreate children on an industrial scale.

There are many reasons:

1) The biggest offender of polygamy and child mass-production in Greek Mythology (and arguably worldwide) is Zeus. And he knows that there's a limit - the more he courts with ladies, the more likely he will sire a child that will bring about his own destruction.

2) The point of most mythological pantheon is that gods try to limit themselves from directly interfering into mortal business for obvious reasons any KoO can answer in a sentence. (The spoiler serves as an example from my own work)

spoiler:

Argeus Elmarian Sunrise, at the end of Seisen Engi, OHKO'd THE best Vampire Slayer of the Church. And he's not even a god - just an angel. A god's intervention would have had a vastly more drastic effect on the balance of the plot (as in, annihilating half a thousand elite vampire assassins in ONE STROKE).


3) From the two above points, in the case of a polytheistic pantheon, the other gods apparently wouldn't just stand and watch as one of their Nakama go to have an arguably shady trade with mortal beings.

The bottom line is, the scenario you've drawn out is... quite unlikely, judging from the setting. However, it's your call, after all.

quote:

“Your friend?” he asked, sounding surprised. “I was really in a shock when you said that. Sure that we had been classmates when we were young… but we were not that close.” Out of respect, he halted himself from saying that she was feeling close, despite that they barely knew each other.

“But we still talked, right? A friendship can’t survive with nothing but silence. That’s the power of words. Words are so powerful that even the royal family uses them to command the Myrmidons.” Starting to develop an interest in the conversation, Alexander took his seat on the bed, and continued listening. He was eager to learn about the royal family’s power as he expected it to be the topic of the discussion.

However, despite her mentioning, the subject of their talk was far from it. “Remember last night? It was stormy, wasn’t?” she continued. The man replied with a nod. His interest started to fade. “Even though I didn’t know who you really were, I was able to see what kind of person was behind that golden mask. I never knew your name… but I…”

Waiting for answer, the warrior gave the woman a puzzled look. “If you really don’t want to tell me whatever it is you’re planning to say, I could be going now.” Accompanying those words, the man’s legs stiffened, supporting him as he motioned to stand up.

“Wait!” Katrina ordered as she grabbed his hand. “I never knew your name… but still, you were real. You’re one character in a book called Life. I… I… fell in love with you.” Such words gave a shocking impulse. All that he could do was let her finish. “I don’t want to force you to love me back. I never will. I won’t give the command; I won’t command you to go against your heart.”


I was going to say this in block letters. Forget the notion that just one moment ago the princess and the silver knight were barely strangers and now were addressing each other as if they had known each other personally for a long time (which may or may not be explained by stating that the Myrmidons were close to the royal family as the Britannian Knights of the Round Table), just the sheer instance that "we were classmates" evolved into "I... fell in love with you" was definitely a Crowning Moment of Wallbanging/Fridge Logic, for lack of any logical explanation hitherto. To say frankly, I was lost when I read those words.

So... the bottom line is, while everything technical were great, effectively the content of your work, meritorious in its own rights, has been marred by these two GIGANTIC flaws. As these deals with plots and character development, it is wholly up to the author - that's you - to maintain and repair them.

Take your time - Rome wasn't (if it wasn't forced to, as in my case) built in a day. Good luck with the rest!
DF  Post #: 20
3/10/2009 2:53:51   
illusion99
Member

Hi, Crimz^^
Myrmidon is a very interesting story! I don't see any typos I'm a bit lazy to run it in a spell checker
Blood and tears Nice name for a chapter While reading it I happen to be listening to a song called Bloody tears I dunno why but it seems to go well if you like try listening to it while reading Blood and Tears

Edit: No mistakes, I tried to check it in a spell checker

< Message edited by illusion99 -- 3/10/2009 6:34:15 >
AQ DF  Post #: 21
3/10/2009 6:45:17   
Crimzon5
Member

quote:

Hmm... normally the title "Your Majesty" is ONLY applied to Lelouch Vi Britannia when he has that all-so-regal Emperor outfit on, and those of equivalent status. Not even Queen Amidala was addressed such - Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan addressed her just simply "Your Highness". See what I mean?

Call him overly-polite. He's a human compared to a demigod, btw.
quote:


Cue to Sir Integra Hellsing. If you know what I mean...

Okay, that's about it for the Prologue and C. 1. Most of it is without flaw, but some of those that are not, are extremely hilarious. Imagine Suzaku addressing Nunnally "My Lord"...

You'll learn soon that

spoiler:

THe royal family, when giving a command to a Myrmidon, actually has a Geass-like power. It only works on Myrmidons though


quote:

Demigod is not, and logically so, a race. In a scientific context (as in, genetic engineering and the likes) it would be another story, but in this context (i.e. mythology) it is very unlikely that a deity, in the correct mindset, would choose to procreate children on an industrial scale.

1) this is my own mythology
2) I will quote

quote:

That’s where the second problem came. Discrimination was created. Those demigods – “Homo divinus” they would call themselves, boasting the fact that they were part divine – started to see Humans as an inferior species.


Demigods saw that they so high compared to the lowly humans. They could not accept that they were a single race (even though they are), so they claimed themeselves to be another race. The book will refer them as another race though, seeing that the characters believe it to be that way.

3) Arkanthor is the only "god" there. Why are there quotations marks? Secreeettt Spoillllleeeerrrrr

quote:

So... the bottom line is, while everything technical were great, effectively the content of your work, meritorious in its own rights, has been marred by these two GIGANTIC flaws. As these deals with plots and character development, it is wholly up to the author - that's you - to maintain and repair them.

There's only one prob (I just defended the other). As for the second... yes, even I was unsatisified with it. But Katrina admired the man behind the mask because of his deeds. Maybe I'll make her feeling sbe revealed later. Off to change

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 3/10/2009 9:34:10 >
AQ DF  Post #: 22
3/11/2009 1:08:18   
illusion99
Member

:D yay new page!

soo in Act two Dragon slain
quote:

Dragonskin was never to be used as armor. But these onslaughts never ceased.


I think it should be:

Dragon skin must never to be used as armor, but these onslaughts never ceased.

I think the ones in bold are correct or may be I'm wrong...

Dragonskin there must be a space between dragon and skin

< Message edited by illusion99 -- 3/11/2009 1:12:57 >
AQ DF  Post #: 23
3/11/2009 7:20:07   
Crimzon5
Member

Thanks. I'm keeping it as one word though. Dragonskin isnt real... and the way its used her makes me wanna use it as one word. So as long as I keep its spelling/spacing consistant, there wont be any errors.
AQ DF  Post #: 24
3/15/2009 4:38:16   
Crimzon5
Member

Left to Rot (Act 2) has been added
Asher and Aaron have pics
Thread post updated with info

What to expect:
Part 2 of Left to Rot
Act 1 and Act 2 characters are going to meet
More character pics
AQ DF  Post #: 25
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