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Mistermafio's world of short stories and the like ~ comments

 
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7/30/2008 4:52:36   
Mistermafio
Member

In this thread I will recieve comments for the short stories stored in this thread.

Enjoy.
AQ  Post #: 1
7/30/2008 4:54:37   
Mistermafio
Member

I'll be putting up my older stories shortly. But first something new.

This is my first try at humour writing, personally I enjoy the intro. But of course, I don't count, so please tell me what you think of:
Ashlee
AQ  Post #: 2
7/31/2008 16:48:13   
Recar Dragonlance
Member

Hey!

quote:

Mostly he would wait for it to become five o’clock. At which time Alfred would get into his car once again and repeat the same process.


Wouldn't that be better as two sentences...because it seems like you did it to have some sentence length variation, but it would sound better as one sentence in my opinion.

quote:

neither did Alfred, but fact is gardens were –and


"but the fact"

quote:

“Now get going you! I do not need crazy people around when I get rich.


Speech marks at the end of the sentence.

/me laughs at the story. I like it...a bit more practice with the comedy stuff, and you'll be great.
DF  Post #: 3
7/31/2008 17:06:59   
Coyote
Member

Y'know, I don't know how to get around this, so I'll say it bluntly. I didn't find it very funny, at all. >_>

It seemed... Skimpy. Not very fleshed-out. I didn't really catch on to any story, so to speak. There really was no conflict, and what can be seen as an almost unnecessary intro took up a third of the story. Stuff kind of just popped out of nowhere. The breaks made the story seem choppy. I personally don't like using breaks at all in my short stories; if I can transition from one section to another without sticking a wall in the middle, I'll do that to connect parts of the story together as a whole.

The explanation of paper and morning/evening traffic rubbed off more as pedantic to me than funny. I dunno. Just not my kind of humor. I'd recommend reading some more light, satirical works. Terry Prachett's always a good one. Some of the structuring elements used in Monty Python's Flying Circus can help, too.

And lastly, "banana's" shouldn't have an apostrophe in it. No apostrophes in plurals.

Meh. I can't say I'm too big a fan of that story. Work a bit more on your narratives. Poetry, you have down, obviously. =P
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 4
7/31/2008 17:21:57   
Mistermafio
Member

So, tomorrow came fast.
I have a few seconds left so I'm going to get this by quickly first.

Thanks Recar, I'm glad you enjoyed it. The typo's will be fixed as soon as possible.

Versy: I understand this isn't your sense of humour. It's mine (well, mostly) and there have been a lot of times I've proven my humour is very... Unique. :^P

I consider this a one-time only deal. As I know I'm much better in other genre's of prose and poetry. Bananas will be fixed tomorrow.

Thanks for commenting anyway. I hope I didn't screw your day up /too/ much :^P
AQ  Post #: 5
10/3/2008 18:10:21   
Mistermafio
Member

/me walks in, blows the dust off the thread and adds a new story.

I'd love to say what you guys think of it, it's my first story in quite a long while.
The night train
AQ  Post #: 6
10/12/2008 20:40:47   
Firefly
Lore-ian


After over a week of busyness, procrastination, and ill luck, I've finally managed to read your newest short.

I like the style you wrote it in, with the first person but italicized thoughts. Makes the no-tense-shift grammar freak like me happy. =P It's also how I write my own first person, so yeah, I'm kinda biased, lol.

The ending I really liked. The last line left me anxious and worried, because if that was his best night, then the future for them... is it not bright? Though, I've got a thing for heartbreaking shorts, so I really loved it, even if you didn't intend the ominous feeling.

The imagery you painted was excellent. Just enough description, neither too dull nor too flowery. I like the style there a lot. Also, great emotions and realism. I love how you portrayed it with simplicity.

The main problems I noticed... Well, the first isn't very fixable, as I've no idea how to fix, but the introduction of the second person/you character was a bit abrupt. I was a bit surprised when the second person showed up. I think the only fix is to spew out the "you" since right in the beginning in order to avoid the loop-throwing.

The other problem is, at times, there might've been extra exposition and repetition of things. It's good at times, because it lets your audience really know the thoughts. But sometimes, if excessive, it can be like telling your audience how to feel rather than letting them draw their own conclusions. You're not that far, but it's close, lol. Just be careful. ;) I suggest to go over the parts with his thoughts and stuff and cut out the unnecessary lines. Sometimes, we already get the picture, so they're not all needed. ;)

A few grammar problems, but much less than, say, My Name is Midory. Other than that, very well done on your imagery and emotion and style. The comments below are a few suggestions/random thoughts/grammar, not a complete critique, so I probably let go of more than my usual. Sorry about that. However, I hope you find it at least somewhat helpful nonetheless. ^_^

quote:

The only thing I saw was my own reflection in the glass and maybe an illuminated blur every time we passed a light source of some sorts.

Maybe just the way I talk, but the singular "sort" might be what you're looking for here... Probably just my dialect.

quote:

It had been a long night, much longer then I expected it to be for sure.

The whole bolded part is rather unnecessary, but if you want to keep a part of it, "I expected, for sure" works. "to be" is rather weak and unnecessary, imo.

quote:

I looked up from my window, feeling as if I'd been awoken from a perfect dream by the sound of my alarm-clock.

I've never seen this written with a hyphen before...

quote:

Luckily the train proved as empty this time as every other time I looked the past hour.

Comma after "Luckily" since it's inverting the usual placement/order. I suck at explaining this...
This was confusing in the end. "looked during the" "looked for the..." might all make more sense.

quote:

Sure, your's was longer, thicker, smoother and more beautiful in general but that didn't matter much to me as I was glad with everything we had in common.

I'd actually add a comma after "general" since it flows better with a pause. Strange, I usually don't like commas before conjunctions...
I'd make a new sentence after "me" (...me. I was...) This sentence seems long for first person, since people usually don't speak in extremely long sentences...
"of everything" might fit better than "with" but meh.

quote:

Your eyes where large and brown, the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen in my life.

"were"

quote:

They formed the focal point of what was the most beautiful face I had ever seen in my life.

Is the repetition from the previous sentence intentional?

quote:

Every time I looked at it I couldn't help but smile, and for some strange reason that smile appeared to be wider every time it occurred.

You need comma after "it" and "reason" I believe, especially the former.

quote:

With a smile on my face I turned back

Comma after "face"?

quote:

I silence befell my thoughts as I pondered on this for at least five minutes

"A silence"? or "I silenced my thoughts"?

quote:

Until finally my pondering continued.

You probably need commas before and after "finally" since it's a parenthetical aside or whatever you call those. I can't remember.

quote:

I have never felt this way before.

"I've", the conjunction, might sound more human here.

quote:

I don't know how long it took me to think, I didn't care back then and I still don't.

Hehe, comma splice. You might wanna make that first comma a semi-colon. =P

quote:

when I realized what the answer to my questions was.

"question was" or "questions were"

quote:

and whispered my answer in such a way only you could possible hear it.

"possibly"?
AQ  Post #: 7
7/1/2009 15:02:51   
Mistermafio
Member

Aww, I dig up this thread for the first time in months and I instantly see I failed to reply to that long and helpful post FF made. I bet that's why she's been angry with me for the past half year or so >.>

Anyway, to make it up with her I made a new short story poem combo thingy... Enjoy

Argh

I really need to start writing more of these though
AQ  Post #: 8
2/5/2012 17:31:20   
Mistermafio
Member

Still alive.

Let me know if something's not right with this. I did tidy up the language a little. You'll know what I mean.

Not quite titled
AQ  Post #: 9
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