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(AQ) The Galin' War. (Commentary)

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5/25/2012 23:18:32   
Sir Nicholas
Member

http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=20344044&mpage=1&key=?

NICK IS BACK.

But seriously, my friends - this is my first story in quite a long time. I plan for it to be a ten part at most. The basic premise is the tale of my character in the Devourer Saga. Don't forget to read, comment and enjoy.

Damn it's good to be home.

Characters.

Sir Nicholas the Lightbearer - A powerful Lycan General turned member of the Paladin Order. Originally born to the Lands to the West, Sir Nicholas was raised from a proud stock of a warrior clan. His skill with the sword and hammer are matched only by his great heart and eternal optimism. A cheerful, friendly man - he is eager to bring pride to his people and make Lore a better place. His strength and power are equalled only by Artix and Vegalok. His best friend and right hand man is Ajax - while Tyrone is his left. Together, they form an unstoppable trio for light and righteousness.

He has before him a great destiny, though none may yet predict how this will turn out. For good or ill, he is one of Lore's mightiest heroes.


Balledor the Lightbinder - One of the oldest members of the Order, and Nicholas' close friend. Despite being 80 years old - Balledor is no less skilled as a swordsman, and he is revered for his wisdom. His zeal has not waned with his age, and he has only reluctantly taken up a role as teacher of younger paladins. Only reluctantly did Balledor take up his role as a Mentor - and there may come a time when his skills are truly put to the test.


Ajax Telamon - Another Lycan from the West, although not a member of the Order himself, Ajax has proven his skill with the spear and many other weapons countless times. A rock-solid second-in-command and an adept tactician, Ajax is Nicholas' best friend. He is a staunch and loyal supporter of his friend in every endeavor. Proud, vengeful, loyal, intelligent and brave beyond measure - he is the ideal soldier. He and his commander have been friends since they were both very young.


Tyrone Nashiki Galath - Originally a Monk from Mount Daijin, Tyrone was the founder and first master of the Galath style. He has forsaken the ways of the dojo in favor of the life of a sellsword. A mercenary for hire. He is stoic and slow to anger - but he has a soft spot on his heart for philosophy, calligraphy and the arts. An unparalleled warrior, Tyrone eventually rediscovers his Samurai heritage and becomes a Martial Artist, eventually deciding to become a Ronin, as a way to atone to his bloodstained past.


Artix Von Krieger - The Grand Master of the Paladin Order. Originally a very zealous youth, the years have mellowed out Artix considerably - and he has become much calmer and wiser, although none of this has detracted from his indomitable spirit or his sharp wit. Brave, passionate and immensely skilled with an axe - the Grand Master is one of the few men capable of besting Sir Nicholas in a straight-up duel. Playing the role of the Big Good - leader of the Heroes of Lore, Artix is the Light's greatest champion.


Gromgar - Son of Grimgar. A proud Orc warrior from Augerthorne, the young fighter was born with blue eyes - considered a rare trait and a sign of a great destiny among the Greenskins. Sent away by his parents to live with the Rogues and assassins of Krovesort - the mighty Orc has become an honorable fighter with a determination to prove his race is capable of greater things. A courteous, welcoming individual - Gromgar's strength of will and courage are renowned among the Greenskin race.


Vegalok - A mysterious, ancient and powerful Vampire from the distant past. Recently returned for unknown reasons - he claims to have been charged with Death himself with the elimination of Nicholas. The two have since become rivals - and though they are equally matched in skill, there may come a time when the final battle between Nicholas and his nemesis may come to a head.

< Message edited by Sir Nicholas -- 8/12/2012 21:38:18 >
AQ  Post #: 1
5/29/2012 7:03:14   
Mortarion
Member

I'll have to readthis when I get more time, I know, by working iwth you in the RP section, that you are a great writter, I can't wait :D
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 2
5/29/2012 18:23:20   
Sir Nicholas
Member

Thank you Mortarion for your kind words. I do hope that this story delivers on my promise. I had said I would give the Forums a special little gift, and so here it is.

I should have the next chapter up in about another day or two.
AQ  Post #: 3
5/30/2012 4:57:59   
Glais
Member

quote:

Beside him, the clock read 10:02AM - and all around were the bunks of his brother-guardians, still sleeping.

It was part of the long traditions of the Order to rise early -

...Huh?
quote:

Talos had been known for, before its destruction from the monster Carnax.

Should this not be "Talados" and doesn't Monster generally imply evil? Carnax was kind of forced if I remember right.

Anyhow, read Chapter 1 so far and I enjoyed it. For one, you don't assume that the reader already knows AQ which is good as...I don't know it very well. Thus this helps explain things in a simplistic manner so that I...get it.

Hmmm, Paladins seem a bit racist against Da Orkz....
DF MQ  Post #: 4
5/30/2012 6:01:40   
Sir Nicholas
Member

Finished editing out those errors. No - the paladins aren't racist. They're just doing their job and protecting BattleOn from General Bour. The guy was trying to flatten the town after all.

And moreso, I'll be fleshing out the more honorable side of the Orcs as the story progresses and when Boog appears. I'll show they're only truly brutal when it comes to war, or if they are "pushed" in that direction.

Thank you for your feedback Glais.
AQ  Post #: 5
5/30/2012 6:50:55   
Glais
Member

Well by racist I meant referring to them as beasts, but I am glad you will be making them honorable.
No problem.

< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 5/30/2012 20:07:01 >
DF MQ  Post #: 6
5/31/2012 1:03:44   
Sir Nicholas
Member

The next chapter has been posted. I was originally going to make a battle scene, but I decided against it. I figure that the reader needs a breather every once in a while. I'm quite proud of the dialogue in this scene, as it certainly makes the characters seem much more human. (In a sense)

Enjoy.
AQ  Post #: 7
5/31/2012 11:26:07   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 I looked at the story earlier, so I thought it was only fair I'd give you feedback.

quote:

Beside him, the clock read 10:02AM - and all around were the bunks of his brother-guardians.


May I ask what sort of clock this is?

Why is Nicholas referring to Artix as "The Old Man"? From what I gather, Balledor fits that title more than Artix.

quote:

The troops simply stopped what they were doing and fell back to the next line with their guns to set up a new defensive position.

Guns?

quote:

Nicholas had met Ajax a long time ago, in those hard years in the lands to the west, when he was knee high to a Moglin.

I think I'm reading this wrong, but I imagine him to be shorter than a moglin.

On another note, don't let Doc hear how you speak or you might end up like a certain bandit.
quote:

And of course, they're too stupid to figure out how to make anything beyond axes and swords."

Oh dear, Ajax is in for it now.

quote:

one of the larger of the Dragon knights took a swing

I can't quite understand if you mean a dragonslayer, a dracomancer or intentionally left this vague.

I'm impressed with your ability to write. Will you be writing your own version of the entire Devourer Saga or just the Epic Quest?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 8
5/31/2012 16:11:19   
Sir Nicholas
Member

(In order from your critiques) I hadn't thought I might describe a clock, since that's a minor detail.

He's only jokingly referring to Artix as "the old man" because its in his nature to poke fun. In later interactions, I'll show that he just enjoys giving Artix a hard time, but he genuinely does care about the man, both as a brother, and as the leader of the Order.

Yes, they do have firearms on Lore.

It's just a figure of speech. Nicholas was never really knee high to a moglin, as they are naturally a very short race, (no offense) and I thought the term was actually pretty fitting.

Ajax is just speaking flippantly, and he does have a point - and if I might cite the D'Orc Weird profile: "Cutting edge technology, (Axes that is) for their Orc brethren". They've never really displayed any kind of technological innovation beyond weaponry if I recall correctly. He, like Nicholas does have a sense of humor, but its in much rarer situations that it shows.

And yeah, that was a minor mispelling on my part. I'll fix it later.
_________________________________

Thank you for your input Dragonlord, and for your compliment. I appreciate how you've taken an interest in my story - and yes, I will be describing a little more of the Devourer Saga, but I will gloss over some of the events - as its not possible for even an AQ character to be everywhere at once. (Unless you're Warlic or Falerin! ^_^)

And I feel the need to apologize, as I didn't mean to offend or insult anyone with this story - so I'll try to take more caution in what I write.

Again, I appreciate your interest - and I look forward to your help (and other's help as well) in improving my work.
AQ  Post #: 9
5/31/2012 16:23:44   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @Sir Nicholas: Well, the way you described the clock sounded like it was pretty advanced technology which I find hard to imagine within the Paladin Order (which I think of as a mystical place where one uses light to divine the time or something like that).

Doc (based on the monster you described) is a character in my story who is annoyed at people who think Ulgathi are dumb brutes. He'd likely throw a bomb* in your face if you said that to his face. It was a jest on my part, but it wouldn't be to him.

*The backpack and bombs seem like pretty advanced technology to me, arguably not as advanced as the Drakel though still impressive.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 10
6/1/2012 18:49:44   
Sir Nicholas
Member

Unfortunately, an error occurred and the next chapter posted just as I was in the process of writing it. I ask that you be patient while I complete it using the edit function.

EDIT: Done. Enjoy some of Artix's bad jokes. ^_^

< Message edited by Sir Nicholas -- 6/1/2012 19:56:31 >
AQ  Post #: 11
6/2/2012 9:44:03   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 Oh how I love talking undead. So much more fun than the ones which are silenced by their necromantic masters, don't you agree?

quote:

They surely won't be ex-specting us!


Don't you mean axe-pecting?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 12
6/2/2012 23:47:26   
Razen
Member

Just finished the prologue(I will make edits to this post for Chapter 1 and so on). There were some problems that I noticed with the dialogue, didn't seem like anything too big. As well, a good bit of the paragraphs seem to be cut off...it throws me off, but I'm not sure if it's incorrect or what-not. Just seems weird to be reading a sentence or two for a whole paragraph. I do like how you describe things though!

quote:

while the shrapnel spread out in all directions, as lethal as flachettes, cutting several of the greenskins to bloody pieces.


Needs to be flechettes.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 13
6/5/2012 5:00:24   
Sir Nicholas
Member

I have fixed both errors, and now I've completed the next chapter.

Be aware, I was kind of unsure how to portray Warlic - so I opted instead for something a little different. He's always struck me as the kind of "I know everything - but I won't tell you" kind of wizard.

He's certainly a good character, but how else I'm going to fit him into this story, remains to be seen.
AQ  Post #: 14
6/5/2012 18:09:02   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

It was rare that the normally calm and stoic warriors ever allowed such displays


Are we talking about the same man here who and I quote

quote:

In that moment, the Colonel considered his friend's words and briefly considered what it was that made the paladin so carefree. Throughout it all, the man seemed utterly, palpably content. It was as if he were oblivious to just how close they had come to losing BattleOn.


quote:

"Come on, let's get a drink. My treat." Said Nicholas cheerfully.


quote:

but unlike the Lycan standing beside him


Is Sir Nicholas a full lycan? (I don't think the half-lycans players can become are immortal, though I could be wrong.)

quote:

Their teacher - the previous Grand Master before Artix, Commander Paladin, for whom the Order was named


THE Commander Paladin? As in the founder of the Paladin Order, who passed on into the realm of the Light Lord hundreds of years ago?

I'll be back for the rest later.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 15
6/5/2012 19:09:48   
Sir Nicholas
Member

I'm talking about the Order in general. Most are expected to keep their emotions in check, but Nicholas is the exception. And yes, he is indeed a full Lycan. Born and bred. He's completely ageless - to the point where he'd outlive everyone in the story and keep going. Forever.

Does not mean though that he cannot die. Quite the contrary - he can be killed. In fact, it will become a plot point later - because he will learn exactly when, where and how he will die. And he's actually pretty satisfied with it.

And no, this isn't the conclusion of where Cartright kills the PC I'm talking about.
_________________________________________

Of course, it would make sense - but then, when is it ever stated (outright) that it was "hundreds of years ago" - that Commander Paladin existed? We do know now that he was indeed the founder and namesake of the Order, but it only says that this event took place in the past. When exactly this was however, has never been clarified.

I do mention that he disappeared long before the story began - if you recall. Which was why Artix took over as Grand Master.
AQ  Post #: 16
6/6/2012 3:00:19   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

ORIGINAL: http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=17383555

Father Dhows: In ages hence, I believe your order shall ever memorialize you. Why... yes, I could even see them taking up your name as their own in memorial.
Cmdr. Paladin: Your faith in me is heartening, Father... if a bit unnerving. Your speaking of my memorial is very premature. I am be the First Knight of my order, but I am ever a servant.


quote:

http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=17670581

???: Of course, there was a different building here then...
Donovan: What building?
???: All of the others who were here, I killed and either raised as undead... or salted the earth with the ash of their bones...
Donovan: Just forget it. I asked you to leave, and you...
???: Did you know that the High Communicant of the Light Lord once had his temple where this castle stands?
???: He was a direct avatar, but even with the protection of his Lord I killed him and took his place.
???: And his place too... hehehe...
Donovan: Im-- Impossible...
???: Of course, the forest was very different then... and the Light Lord did send Paladin the paladin to get his-- her, its, their-- licks in eventually. But I am not here to talk about that.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 17
6/13/2012 15:20:43   
Sir Nicholas
Member

I just made a very long post. I also added a new character I just came up with the idea for.

I hope that satisfies you - no hard feelings?
AQ  Post #: 18
6/13/2012 16:01:27   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 Not at all. Do remember you can always ask the God of Evil for help with your story if you need any though.

quote:

A mostly lawless place occupied by thieves, bandits, misers, assassins, mercenaries, torturers, rogues, fighters for hire - and the occasional lawyer.


You forgot about the darkguards.

That chapter was amazing, I absolutely loved it!

Have you read my story by any chance? I'd love to know how you think I handled the Orcs.

< Message edited by Dwelling Dragonlord -- 6/13/2012 16:16:28 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 19
6/19/2012 20:24:58   
Glais
Member

And read Chapter 2, you are quite good at writing fight scenes. Life sure sucks for those Dragons.

Also, the dialogue becomes more and more racist.
DF MQ  Post #: 20
6/19/2012 20:36:03   
Sir Nicholas
Member

Once again, read the latest chapter - and I'll clear some things up regarding da Orcs.
AQ  Post #: 21
6/19/2012 20:37:50   
Glais
Member

Why would I read the latest Chapter when I am only on chapter two? ~_^

And completed Chapter Two. That was quite awesome if I do say so myself. And HA, Gaanoth is into drinking.

Their stance still ain't changed on the Orcs yet, hmmmm....

< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 6/20/2012 5:31:23 >
DF MQ  Post #: 22
7/22/2012 2:07:49   
Sir Nicholas
Member

After a long wait, Chapter 7 is completed. It's a little different than most chapters, and the fight scene in it is kind of so-so, but I think it will help to advance the story, and rest assured you will again see all these characters in the future.
AQ  Post #: 23
7/22/2012 6:54:17   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 It was a good chapter, but why was there no mention of Jagos until they met the Cyclopses?

I'd argue that Nicholas would sent them to find Jagos, but with a warning/advice of what to do should they encounter Cyclopses.
You see, now it seems as if Tyrone would know about Jagos himself. On the other hand, it seems as if Nicholas knew the Cyclopses well enough to know they had an Orb of Light. Why would Tyrone ask for the location of Jagos, if Nicholas had told him the Cyclopses possessed a Light Orb?

Do you understand what I'm saying?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 24
7/22/2012 12:56:26   
Sir Nicholas
Member

Because Nicholas didn't know that the Cyclops had an Orb of Light. He thought that Jagos did. Which is why he believed that instead the Cyclops could help him to retrieve it. Furthermore, he knew that Tyrone would be challenged and tested. He also knew that Tyrone would succeed - but in turn, he didn't know the Chieftan had the Orb himself.

I understand what you're saying, and it is a slight oversight on my part. I'll do well to remember that next time.
AQ  Post #: 25
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