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Institution--Comments: Fides Tria

 
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6/25/2008 22:42:10   
Nex del Vida
Member

Comment on my story, Institution.

The revised version, growing as I edit: Institution V2.0

Goals:
Finishing the book, of course.
Five pages of comments.
A second thread.
Five pages in the second thread.
A third thread.
More threads!
Having an AK/staff member comment [After they've been made an AK].
50 pages on Word.
100 pages on Word.
150 pages on Word.
200 pages on Word.
Getting nominated for Writer of the Month.
Getting selected as Writer of the Month. (w00t!)
Becoming an AiT.
Learn Latin passably.

I will update the goals as they are accomplished.

Thanks to Shodu for giving me my first nomination for Writer of the Month.

Official story signature below. I don't expect anyone but me to use it, but I suppose you can if you want.

Here's the link to it.



[link=http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=14062504]
[image]http://i216.photobucket.com/albums/cc199/jpx111/NEX.jpg[/image][/link]


NOTE: The edited version has religious allusions. These may or may not reflect the author's opinion on modern religions. Read at your own risk.

< Message edited by Nex del Vida -- 4/5/2009 2:06:12 >
AQ  Post #: 1
6/26/2008 3:21:17   
mastin2
Member

Ouch. Double Question Mark link...you know, key=??. You *Might* want to fix that.

I'll actually do my critique by the version you sent me, though I'll post it here.
Post #: 2
6/26/2008 13:03:57   
Nex del Vida
Member

;P Why does it do that? Thankfully there are no ??s in my story, so...

I'm formatting the first post now.
AQ  Post #: 3
6/26/2008 13:12:49   
Nex del Vida
Member

NOTICE: Not all chapters are posted. I will post Divortium Sex through Divortium Decem (both versions), but I haven't edited Divortium Undecim yet. I will post that as soon as it's edited.

By the way, the first post is done.
AQ  Post #: 4
6/26/2008 21:37:19   
Resolute
Member
 

Hey, um, can I be a fanboy?

And a question. Why is it Honor Arcane and not Honor Arcanes?

~GB5~
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 5
6/27/2008 13:05:14   
Nex del Vida
Member

Yes, and "Arcane" is its own plural, like "deer" or "fish." One Arcane, many Arcane.
AQ  Post #: 6
6/29/2008 16:53:59   
Nex del Vida
Member

Okay, all is posted.
AQ  Post #: 7
7/10/2008 19:18:47   
Nex del Vida
Member

Hey, guys! I've just been struck by a total lack of inspiration. Yep. TOTAL. It's more like Writer's Miasma than Writer's Block. Um... yeah.
AQ  Post #: 8
7/10/2008 21:45:23   
mastin2
Member

Don't worry. We're still here. I've still got catching up to do. So we'll wait, revise, critique, etc. until you have a new chapter. At which point it'll be butchered, we'll wait, revise, and critique some more.

-M
Post #: 9
7/12/2008 21:27:41   
jerenda
Member

Hellooo!!! *hug/tackles mercilessly* Hi! How are you? Dead, it sounds like. Miasma? Ouch. Don't mess with that.

How come you can't talk in English!!! *head explodes*

Oh oh oh! I gave up learning how to draw, because all my people look like demons (I am a failure at heads) and got my mom to draw it. So I'm not sure if I'm just going to upload it as is, or if I want to redraw it myself. You see, (my bff and artistic expert told me) I have a very good idea of where everything is supposed to be and how bit it all is- what's that word... oh, proportions! I have a very good grasp of proportioning (however you spell that) but I can't draw heads. At all. So I've decided there is no need to put myself through the torture of learning to do so when I am surrounded by people with that gift. (All of my friends know how to draw. ALL of them. But then, I can write, so I'm good.) But I may redraw the outfit my mom created, if only because that thing's shoulders are amazingly huge. ^_^ No offence to my mother, who can draw way better than I can.

Should I reread anything, Vida? Anything new I haven't had a chance to see? ^_^

_____________________________

EC! EC! EC~
AQ DF  Post #: 10
7/14/2008 13:26:06   
Nex del Vida
Member

Erm, not that I know of. I've edited all of Pyrosect's stuff, but that's just minor grammar, commas and word choice things, so no need to reread.

Guys, I'm temporarily quitting the forums. It's a combination of this Writer's Miasma, laziness, homework, and business. Sorry. As soon as I can figure out what to write and how to write it I'll be back. If you want to talk to me, my AIM name is Vanadium Galilei, as is my Yahoo name; and my MSN name is *cough* blargenboy@hotmail.com. Heh, it's an old email.
AQ  Post #: 11
7/14/2008 16:00:21   
jerenda
Member

You forgot to include the memnomic about your overacting despondancy glands in the beginning. Just FYI>

See ya. PM me when you get back so I can quit pining, okay?
AQ DF  Post #: 12
8/17/2008 18:03:43   
Nex del Vida
Member

Back from camp, but I've decided that I'm quitting the forums. I will post a new chapter whenever I write one, but besides that I are no here.
AQ  Post #: 13
8/19/2008 22:49:42   
jerenda
Member

Oh hi!! *hugs* I shall miss you. PM me whenever you write a chapter, okay? I love to read them. You're very good. I shall PM you at random times. ^_^ Don't leave me hanging, okay? *huggles some more*

_____________________________

EC! EC! EC~
AQ DF  Post #: 14
11/30/2008 19:15:56   
Nex del Vida
Member

Heeeee's back! Kind of.

New chapter is out, for the first time in *counts* five months and one day! It may not be as good as the others. Writing it felt a bit artificial, to tell the truth, mainly because I'm so rusty. *sigh* I'll unrust slowly. Please inform me of any enormous plot holes/continuity errors.

Posting.

< Message edited by Nex del Vida -- 11/30/2008 19:46:40 >
AQ  Post #: 15
11/30/2008 19:47:16   
Nex del Vida
Member

Posted. Rip it apart, fellow L&Lers.

_____________________________

42 72 69 6e 67 20 69 74 20 6f
6e 2c 20 46 61 6c 65 72 69 6e 2e
20 57 65 27 72 65 20 72 65 61 64
79 2e 20
AQ  Post #: 16
12/1/2008 0:26:42   
jerenda
Member

Yay!!!!! *hug/tackles madly* Hello again! I've finally talked Firefly into writing that collab with me-- Hunting Twilight, Haunting Midnight. It's pretty cool. I shall read your newest chapter as soon as I'm done fixing massive plot-hole-ness in that story. ^_^
AQ DF  Post #: 17
12/1/2008 0:46:22   
Nex del Vida
Member

Yeah, I saw that. I'll read soon.
AQ  Post #: 18
12/7/2008 0:05:48   
Firefly
Lore-ian


I had to leave earlier, hence why my comment for Chapter 12 is arriving at this time of night. Sorry. But I'm here, so cheer me on! =P

Wow. For someone who hasn't written for so long, I couldn't tell any of the "rustiness"! You did great! You've got a good sense of word choice, of tension, of using your non-descriptive style to its full extent. While you sometimes convey information in chunks, you do it in a nice, believeable manner that it doesn't bother me. Your characters are all very interesting: Rose, Selenar, Martin, Mikael. I've forgotten how good you are, lol.

Overall, I really don't have a lotta objections. Maybe a /bit/ more/better in the area of descriptions. While I respect your style, especially in first person, I think at times I couldn't exactly visualize the whole scene. And at times, you describe the same thing twice while you could've used the space to describe some other aspect of the character (Kent's hair, the female Tutelary's tall height, ect.) Though, these things are just so minor. I really can pick out almost nothing in your writing.

A few specific comments:

quote:

I have a sister! I think. Or had… who knows if they are still alive?

Imo, the thought tag adds nothing and is thus unnecessary. We know whose thought it is, so I suggest you take the clunky words out.

quote:

There are several diagonal lines extending from the blue box. I separate the sheets and look at them. One of the lines leads to the word, “Practice Room L-91,” which must be the location of their class. Another leads to “Tutelary Sanderson,” the Tutelary who teaches it. The third leads to “10:15-11:15,” the time the class starts and ends, and the fourth to “Monday, Wednesday, Sunday,” the days it occurs. Today is Wednesday. I look at the clock in the study screen, and it reads 9:30. How long are classes here? I woke up at seven thirty, got to the class at around seven forty-five… and it took ten minutes or so to get here. I do the math. Each class is an hour and thirty-five minutes long, so my next class starts at around 11:05. Good.
During all of this investigation, I have forgotten why I needed the two of them—Mikael and David—together. I think for a few seconds. Ahh yes. Of course. I smile, flop down on the bed, and wait for ten fifteen.

Needs line break, lol.

quote:

He jumps a bit, but stays still.

This is illogical. You can't jump and be still. I think you mean that he didn't turn. Also, jump might be too large an action. How about "flinch"? "He flinches, but kept his head forward" "He flinches but did not turn (around)" ect.

quote:

“That’s fine. Goodbye.” I get up and walk away. I hope I will be able to meet with them again.

"get up" is a bit weak. I suggest "I rise to my feet" or something.
Imo, ending the chapter with Martin leaving is much more powerful than ending with a thought that the audience knows he'll be thinking. I suggest you take out the thought and just end with him leaving. If you want to go the extra mile of trimming, you can end at "Goodbye" (the audience can deduce that he left).

_____________________________

AQ  Post #: 19
12/7/2008 0:20:23   
Nex del Vida
Member

Thanks so much, Pyrosect. See you on IRC. And all the errors you pointed out are fixed.
AQ  Post #: 20
12/11/2008 23:26:15   
Alixander Fey
Member

I've been trying to keep up but I just forgot SO MUCH! I'll have to go back and read all of it on a rainy day.

HAve you posted Crisis?
DF  Post #: 21
12/12/2008 11:26:43   
Nex del Vida
Member

What? Crisis was posted a while ago. How do you know about it if you haven't read it on here?

< Message edited by Nex del Vida -- 12/12/2008 11:27:24 >
AQ  Post #: 22
12/12/2008 13:47:46   
Resolute
Member
 

Finally read the new stuff. Didn't see any errors. Lemme know when the next part is posted.

~GB5~
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 23
12/28/2008 23:15:47   
jerenda
Member

Hello! I'm leaving for a couple of days but I'm taking your story and my drawing kit with me so I'll have something for you when you return! *gasp* That was a lot. And I'm sorry I've neglected you for a while. ^_^ *huggles*
AQ DF  Post #: 24
2/8/2009 19:36:17   
jerenda
Member

Meh. Anyways. Here's your chapter! Way late, I know, I know.

quote:

If I think it’s okay to kill Mundane people, it will be okay. What I did in there was evil. And, unfortunately, it is very possible that I will have to do much more of it in the near future. I look at my feet, trudging back to the classroom.
Curiouser and curiouser...

quote:

Things like that? It seems more like Arcane Trivia than Arcane History. They must learn more than that.
Hey, he remembered. That's pretty good. I'd forget. ^_^

quote:

I look interestedly at Kenton, thinking that the Tutelary has just given him a great opportunity, but he grins sheepishly.
Haha.

quote:

No doubt that child was dead a second after the picture was taken, I think. I’m surprised the photographer could hold in his Thirst that long.
For having just learned about this thingy, he includes it in his life awfully well. =P

quote:

Their system of power calls itself the Supervisionists, but the Mundane themselves call the members of the government ‘Monks,’ not because they operate on religious codes but because they have essentially taken a vow of silence against the people. They have published some documents, none of which were very helpful or informative.
Y'know, this system of government makes no sense. Why don't the people rebel? I would. Where do the Arcanes fit into all this? They're not just hermits- their operations are far too big for that. But what are they? How do they fit in with the rest of the world? It makes no sense. How are the Mundanes fed? Do they work? I need more information here!

quote:

“And what’s her ability?” Kenton winces.

“I guess this wasn’t the custom down there, but up here it’s considered very impolite to ask someone else’s ability, or tell someone who has asked. Asking the person in question themselves is fine.”
First, I'd move "Kenton winces." down to before his reply. Makes it sound like Kenton's the one asking about the ability. Second: ha, that makes it easy for you. Don't have to make up her ability for a while, huh? =P

quote:

I remember Oliver asking the screen for my schedule, and say, “Schedule for Mikael Rochmononov.” A sheet of paper slides out of the same slit as before.
Wow that's simple. Guess no one cares much about the regulars. It's like a whole other world.

Randomly: imagine if he wasn't taken to live with the Arcane. Would he start Thirsting for his family? That's creepy- hey, and that's another thing! How come no one notices/cares that the Arcanes are stealing baby-children? I object! Is it because the government is secretly the Arcanes? Wouldn't that make the population revolt, if the government started stealing children?

So his Reflections don't work in the dark... interesting. I wonder why? *starts pondering about light patterns and things* I suppose his ability has to do with the manipulation of light, and if there is less light around or no light around then manipulating light would do absolutely nothing.

So far so good, I'm still interested, but I don't think he'll be able to keep up his ASU0 meetings. I think he'll have to resort to the Mundane way of doing things and just try really hard not to get caught. ^_^ Climbing up the trellis doesn't really work, for the record- the ivy always breaks the instant you put pressure on it. Then again, if that Romanov half/invisible one could perfect his ability, we could find out if it can cover two, or if he can just stand behind him. *shrugs* ^_^
AQ DF  Post #: 25
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