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Taken: A Series of Poetry- Comments

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6/7/2009 13:35:36   
Sir Dorigo III
Member

I won't fill this post unnecessarily.
The poems are located here: http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=16115948

Please post your thoughts and how I could improve

< Message edited by Sir Dorigo III -- 6/7/2009 15:17:48 >
DF  Post #: 1
6/7/2009 13:41:24   
not steve
Member

The thread isn't working right now i must assume as there is no poetry on it XD but good luck with your gallery, i wish you all the best.
AQ DF  Post #: 2
6/7/2009 14:02:19   
Sir Dorigo III
Member

Sorry, its back now... Fixed that problem
DF  Post #: 3
6/7/2009 14:20:08   
not steve
Member

it's all very good and meaningful stuff but i am having a hard time finding, the rhyme scheme. some of the rhymes are very lose so maybe i am missing a few. or was it not meant to rhyme?
AQ DF  Post #: 4
6/7/2009 14:24:19   
Sir Dorigo III
Member

It wasn't meant to rhyme. I'm amazed you found any whatsoever. I wrote it in verse form, and I thought the words flowed, and I prefer my poems not to rhyme. They're less structured that way, and that's how I feel my message comes across best.
DF  Post #: 5
6/7/2009 15:34:59   
Helixi
Member

Oh joy, I 'll enjoy dissecting these.
{1}
quote:

Would you mend the broken hearts,
Or would you leave him to his pain?

keep it plural or singular. don't change it around, it confuses the reader.

quote:

If your last day was arrived,
And if you'd broken hearts of all,

Remove "Was." I recommend changing the second line to "And if you'd broken the hearts of all,".

{2} Nice. No further comments to add to this.

{3}
quote:

I really do feel,
That her flawless face,
Her light brown hair,
And the fact that ne'er
Shall you find her
Without a smile across her face

....lolwhut? This stanza doesn't make sense, even when read aloud.
{4} The above stanza is edited to make more sense. Both are very good poems though n_n

{5}I suggest calling this poem "Hidden Truths."

Overall, good poems. I like all of them, but the last one was the best, at least for me.



< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 11:41:54 >
AQ DF  Post #: 6
6/7/2009 16:21:49   
Sir Dorigo III
Member

i agree with what you said about {3}, that was one of the reasons I revised it to begin with..

Thanks Helix!! ill get to work on fixing what you said ...and i agree. like i said in the authors notes, the last 1 is my favorite too.

suggested revisions complete

:D

< Message edited by Sir Dorigo III -- 6/7/2009 16:32:24 >
DF  Post #: 7
6/18/2009 16:12:34   
Sir Dorigo III
Member

Sorry for double post... New poem up! Unnamed as of now. Another one is in progress
DF  Post #: 8
6/18/2009 17:29:59   
not steve
Member

i am touched that you would take inspiration from my works. i like the unnammed poem but i didn't understand the last line entirely. and more heartfelt? feh! would you have been able to tell i pulled mine out of nowhere if i didn't tell you in the notes? well, maybe. anyway, i can't say i am a fan of this style of poetry but you have made it work for me.

regards,

- Doc
AQ DF  Post #: 9
6/18/2009 17:42:47   
Sir Dorigo III
Member

Well to understand the last line you have to know the background between me and her. Ill post in authors notes in a minute.

And I meant that the message I began with evolved. Not that it was more heartfelt than your poem. Tho that might be true too...

And I was wondering... What do you mean by "this style of poetry"? will you elaborate?

< Message edited by Sir Dorigo III -- 6/19/2009 16:42:17 >
DF  Post #: 10
9/2/2009 15:49:52   
Helixi
Member

Sorry to have not posted for so long. I like the newer poems, I'll check back and maybe critique later. :3

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 11:42:50 >
AQ DF  Post #: 11
10/24/2009 14:47:38   
Sir Dorigo III
Member

5 New poems up (well 4.. the last one is being typed up right now.) I hope you guys like these.. Its in all honesty, a new way of writing. Especially the first 2. You get a different message depending on ow you read them.
DF  Post #: 12
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