Home  | Login  | Register  | Help  | Play 

Musings of a Cat: A Short Story Collection - Comments and Criticism

 
Logged in as: Guest
  Printable Version
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> Other Creative Works Discussion >> Musings of a Cat: A Short Story Collection - Comments and Criticism
Forum Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
8/24/2009 0:47:02   
KageArashi
Member

Hello!

Here you can post all your comments and criticism about my various short stories here! I hope you all do! I'd love to get some feedback from the you, the readers, to make myself a better writer!

Here's a link to my short story collection: Musings of a Cat: A Short Story Collection

Please when you post, tell me which story you are commenting/critiquing on specifically or state you are talking about my writing skills in general!

Ninjat Poof!
--KageArashi

_____________________________

Post #: 1
8/24/2009 3:58:33   
CharonTheShadow
Member

Very nice, Kage! I am in awe of your writing prowess. Very few typos, as well, and believe me, that's a great thing, especially to me. I truly hope you write more about Pryrros, because he intrigues me greatly.

Also, since you're obviously a talented writer, I'd love it if you'd critique my story on TRF.

Great job, I can't wait to see more!
Charon~

< Message edited by charonthedestroyer -- 8/24/2009 17:30:32 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 2
8/24/2009 12:48:37   
Stryke
Member

Keep it coming Kage!
The tempo of the stories was enjoyable whilse still retaining its informative structure.

I would dearly like to read more of your short stories, so don't stop now

=Nyu=
AQ AQW  Post #: 3
8/24/2009 12:54:31   
KageArashi
Member

@Charontheshadow

Haha! Thanks, Charmander! As for the critique of your story, I'll get started on that in a bit...lol. I'm only good at pointing out the more obvious mistakes in grammar and a couple things in the plot line! But I'll try not to disappoint.


@Stryke

Thanks, Nyu! Just for you, I'm writing a new short story right now! lol, It should be done in a week or two...maybe even less!

Ninjat Poof!
--KageArashi
Post #: 4
8/24/2009 17:30:22   
CharonTheShadow
Member

*wants a short story written about him*
;P

_____________________________

AQ DF MQ  Post #: 5
8/24/2009 18:19:16   
Ely
Member

Was an awesome story Kage :3. I can tell that one day you will be a great writer ;D. Make more i want to be included in one :P.
Post #: 6
8/24/2009 20:23:30   
KageArashi
Member

Hahaha! ok charmander and Ely, I will make a short story about Battleon-1 and have all you people there...lol...hahaha

Ninjat Poof!
--KageArashi
Post #: 7
8/24/2009 20:58:32   
CharonTheShadow
Member

Lol, okies. ^^
*anticipates kage becoming like adella for his writing*
x3
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 8
8/25/2009 4:34:38   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Ultra-short stories... sounds like fun, doesn't it? Let's see what I can do. So then, as these are rather short themselves, I'll revert to my usual style for now - nitpicky galore! Let's go for "Promises and passions" first.

quote:

his arms pumping at his side in some vain attempt to go faster.


First of all, the word "pump" gives a rather unfitting imagery. I suppose something along the lines of "flailing" or clutching" could work better. Second, "some" could be replaced with "a" - maybe it's just me, but "some vain" doesn't sound right somehow.

quote:

He lungs burned with each breath as his chest heaved to keep the oxygen in his blood flowing.


It's his lungs.

quote:

his legs already numb with both the pain and the adrenaline laced endorphins that flooded his muscles.


This sentence sounds troublesome, as if you are trying to say a compound sentence in a single breath. You could use some commas and change some words to help the flow, can you?

quote:

Steeling his resolve over his body's exhaustion, he continued to run pushing body to its absolute max


"run pushing" makes little sense. You might want a comma between them.

quote:

Coming across a large wall, far to high to just jump normal, a slightly crazy and insane idea popped into his head.


Too high. And "normal" should be an adverb - normally.

quote:

his chuckle came out tentatively before becoming and uproarious laughter as he continued his drop


It should be an uproarious shouldn't it?

quote:

with no less speed that before he leaped over the wall.


No less speed than.

quote:


Seeing the house in the distance, his heart leapt up into his throat. Seemingly causing all his exhaustion and weariness to fade away, leaving only a giddy anticipation of what's to come.


Those should be one sentence. You can just change the full stop into the comma and voila.

quote:

With a near unnatural gracefulness, he quickly found himself by the last obstacle in the way-the window.


"Unnatural" isn't exactly synonymous to "extraordinary" if that is what you wanted to use.

Right. That's about most of the primary errors I can spot.

Overall comments: It is a good read - you used a vibrant and dynamic vocabulary to portray a fair action scene. As much as I am learning from this piece, there are qute a few issues I'd like to address here:

- First, your punctuations. Sometimes you miss out on comma, and you do know these things. A misplaced comma can alter the meaning of an entire sentence. I can tell you a good old folk tale of my people on how devastating misplaced comma can be, but let's leave it till later. Some other times, two sentences could, or should have been joined as one. Remember that the vast majorities of sentences, even acceptable "fragment error" sentences should at least have a subject. Or a verb. But even these cannot be overused.

- Second, I don't really know whether this is good, bad, awesome or horrible - it is a subjective opinion - but you tend to... well, use a little more purple prose than you may need.

quote:

The latch was just unlocked...and slowly and agonizingly the window plane slid upwards. His eyes trailed the ascent of the window with a non-blinking gaze, which seemed to take up the majority of his thinking capabilities. Through the first crack, he saw part of a simple navy blue cotton nightie. As the window continued to slid upward, so did his eyes, seeing the beginning of those black wavy long tress he loved to run his hands through. Entranced by this hidden figure that was slowly being revealed, now seeing the swell of her bosom, he stopped breathing.

His gaze had yet to stop its trail, from her bosom his line of sight swept over her pale slender neck that he had kissed and caressed many times over. Her pink lips and her rosy tinted cheeks were now exposed to his sight. Finally her full figure was unveiled, her dark brown eyes twinkling with both passion and merriment. Combined with the pale lunar moonlight that lit up her features, she seemed as some divine goddess sent from the heavens. A picture perfect scene that the scribes of old would describe as when the Heavens touched the Earth. Because in this one moment, this one still frame in time, everything seemed...perfect...

Reacting before he could even thing coherently, before he could even process the beautiful scene before him, he darted forward and captured her lips in a kiss. Mustering every ounce of passion and love, he pulled at the very depths of his soul for this kiss. Hear her gasp slightly only made him kiss her harder, soon giving way she allowed herself to be swept along on this riptide of passion. Wrapping her arms around his neck, securing him close as to never let him go. The action was mimic by him as well, as he stepped into her room.


Maybe it isn't my genre, but you used a very colorful prose in those three paragraphs... a little too colorful. Just a little.

This isn't necessary bad per se - even master writers like Tolkien and Stephen King use them from time to time. But since this is a very short story, you can't allow yourself the luxury to use purple prose as much as in a long story. YOu see where I am coming from?

Overall, I can say that you've caught me off guard. perhaps that is because I didn't read the title before I read the story, giving me the impression that the man in the opening was being chased by someone dangerous, was injured and bleeding near to death, and that his "promise" was to live. I've literally braced myself for a "And there was a gunshot in the background, ending the escapee's existence, before fading into oblivion the way its victim slipped into the merciless fabrics of the forgotten time" ending.

Maybe I've read too much of Kimiko Nasu's work for my own good. Sigh.

All in all, nice work! If I have time, I'll check out the other piece some time!
DF  Post #: 9
8/25/2009 17:57:44   
KageArashi
Member

@ Argeus the Paladin

Hahahaha! I was actually waiting for someone to critique that piece. But it does fit the bill of and ultra-short story, that story anyway. In my utterly horrible defense, I'd like to say I wrote that story in the short span of an hour. But much thanks of the comments, I'd make the changes ASAP.

I was feeling a little sappy when I wrote this, but then again I'm a bit of romantic at heart. So expect all my stories to have some romance in them, even the more gritty ones like Blaze. I'm not ashamed to say I put a lot more effort into that piece. So if your feeling up to it, it may be a better read.

In regards to my ending, the story was kind of centered around that whole scene. So I put the greatest emphasis on that part.

@ Charon the Shadow

Don't hold your breath, charmander. Hahahaha! I said it's coming, but not immediately. But it will get done!...eventually! Hahaha!

Ninjat Poof!
--KageArashi

< Message edited by KageArashi -- 8/25/2009 23:45:19 >
Post #: 10
8/25/2009 18:26:41   
CharonTheShadow
Member

I'm not impatient for it....(yet)
;P
Take your time, there's no rush.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 11
8/26/2009 3:06:44   
Alaina
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Nice stories, Kage. I really loved them. You used a lot of detail. Maybe you didn't need so much detail to make it great, but I still liked it. I saw a few mistakes, but they weren't too bad. I won't point them out. Continue writing. You'll get a lot better.

_____________________________

AQW  Post #: 12
8/26/2009 3:13:27   
KageArashi
Member

@Charon the Shadow

Hahaha! In that case, don't expect it anytime soon!

@Queen_Alaina

Thanks for the comment, Aly. I hope you enjoyed it!

Ninjat Poof!
--KageArashi
Post #: 13
8/31/2009 21:26:51   
User
Member
 

Great stories Kage! Just read that one about the Lunaris. I wonder why you decided to have the Lunaris wield Star Sword? :P
Great language, very lofty. For a short story, you don't really need to use such descriptive language. Although it does help with the visual image that your stories paint in my head. :D
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 14
9/2/2009 1:55:13   
KageArashi
Member

@ User

Hahahaha! You influenced the design of Lunaris the Sentinel...a bit. As for the descriptions, it's just I write! Glad you enjoyed it!

Ninjat Poof!
--KageArashi
Post #: 15
9/12/2009 22:53:34   
KageArashi
Member

Grrr...The creativity seems to have been sucked out of my mind by the thing called school!!!!

AHHH! Darn, this is what I call a writer's block. I can't seem to formulate any semblance of a story or plot in my head...

Tips, anyone?
Post #: 16
10/14/2009 21:22:09   
LadyAdellandra
WriteOn!


Great stories, Kage-kun!

Can't wait for more-nya!

As for tips, read what you write, and always carry a notebook with you to write down any ideas, no matter how obscure at the time. I used to do that in school and it gave me plenty of ideas to go with.

Most of all, LISTEN. Listen to what's around you and be aware of everything, as much as possible. Write down what you hear or see. Don't be afraid to use your other senses. As for the thing called school and time, well, that's easy.

Write every day, even if for a half-hour. Take the time and focus your attention on writing for that time, no matter how short.

Keep up the great work, Kage-kun!

-- LadyAdellandra


_____________________________

AQ DF MQ  Post #: 17
10/24/2009 22:04:59   
jerenda
Member

Hey Kage!! (FYI- forgive my typos this keyboard hates me.) Just did a really quick skim, but I liked what I saw. You seem to have a good flair for the dramatic and sense of style. I'll come back and give you a real review later. TTFN!! (Ta-ta for now!)

~Jen

Edit: Eew, I forgot I hate my sig. Ignore it for now I'll get a new one later. ^_^ Hehe.

< Message edited by jerenda -- 10/24/2009 22:05:42 >


_____________________________

EC! EC! EC~
AQ DF  Post #: 18
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> Other Creative Works Discussion >> Musings of a Cat: A Short Story Collection - Comments and Criticism
Jump to:






Icon Legend
New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Forum Content Copyright © 2018 Artix Entertainment, LLC.

"AdventureQuest", "DragonFable", "MechQuest", "EpicDuel", "BattleOn.com", "AdventureQuest Worlds", "Artix Entertainment"
and all game character names are either trademarks or registered trademarks of Artix Entertainment, LLC. All rights are reserved.
PRIVACY POLICY


Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition