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8/10/2011 9:59:38   
Therril Oreb
Legendary AdventureGuide!


hello everyone,

not so long ago i started on the legacy of my role playing character.
It is called The Legacy of Therril Oreb.
if you have anything to say, want to discuss it, have new ideas or anything else. Don't hesitate to tell me

Enjoy the reading, and I will look forward to your opinions


Logbook

08/10/2011 - wrote chapter 1 up to 3 and a part of chapter 4
08/11/2011 - Finished chapter 4 and started chapter 5
08/13/2011 - Started and finished part 1 of the first filler
08/14/2011 - Finished the second part of the first filler

05/30/2012 - Finaly got back to and finished chapter 5
06/01/2012 - Fixed LOTS of grammar problems, typo's and added a few small details where needed.
06/02/2012 - More fixes done.
06/03/2012 - Started Chapter 6.
06/05/2012 - Finished Chapter 6.
06/10/2012 - Started Chapter 7.
06/19/2012 - Finished Chapter 7.

03/09/2013 - Finished chapter 8 and started chapter 9.
03/10/2013 - Finished chapter 9 & 10
03/28/2013 - Finished chapter 11



< Message edited by Therril Oreb -- 3/28/2013 16:23:20 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 1
8/11/2011 2:13:21   
Condor
Member

Nice one raven
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 2
8/11/2011 2:47:50   
  Gingkage
Wolf Rider


It feels really rushed and it's not very easy to follow. But it's got potential.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 3
8/11/2011 3:28:44   
Therril Oreb
Legendary AdventureGuide!


I am glad you like it, and i can try to put in more details. That way it would feel less rushed.

Also, im holding a logbook. Should be usefull
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 4
8/11/2011 10:01:23   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Actually the logbook is useful, makes it easy to see when you added a new chapter. Great idea Raven!
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 5
8/11/2011 12:11:17   
Therril Oreb
Legendary AdventureGuide!


the Story will be on a temporary stand still.
i have to wait on a confirmation before i can continue on it.

so untill then, if you have questions or comments. do tell them
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 6
5/30/2012 12:34:23   
Therril Oreb
Legendary AdventureGuide!


It has been a while, but I started writing on my story again. For those wanting to read it, sorry to have waited so long and wether you did or not, I hope you enjoy reading
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 7
5/30/2012 12:59:19   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


@Therril Oreb: Does this mean a new chapter is up?

On another note, lucky you. I'm at a point where I need to thread very careful, lest I disturb the worlds.

*Opens up a worn book where a black rune glows softly.*
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 8
5/30/2012 18:36:28   
Glais
Member

Thread careful? ~_^

Anyhow hm, so far just noticing a bit of formatting error. Mainly in that I've been told dialogue gets it's own paragraph.

"First person is saying things!"

"I, the second person...AM REPLYING!"

And so-on and so forth, just makes things clearer to read.

Onto the plot.
Hm, first chapter feels a bit jumpy, like you could have elaborated a bit and drawn things out. Maybe added some detail. I'm not very good with detail myself though...
But like, it just jumps from the Baby going to Sunbreeze very sharply.

...12 years later and...he's 10 years old? That...makes no sense at all.

Chapter 3 starts kind of suddenly. Why is he in a parachute?

The True Mortal scene seemed kinda...awkward.


Wait so now Therril's human again? I think I agree with Ginkage, it's moving a bit too fast.
DF MQ  Post #: 9
5/31/2012 11:10:42   
Therril Oreb
Legendary AdventureGuide!


hmm, seems like I need to read through the story again since I do have made a few bad mistakes, thank you for pointing it out.

Also, to explain a bit about Therril's nature (as in physically)
So far he does not know who are what he truly is. He thinks he has something bad in him. Something that makes him different from every other human he knows.
2 Times this was confirmed, both times by coincidence that he would fall to his dead if those wings would not sprout from his back.
The first time everyone knew about it quickly and tried to avoid him as good as possible because they see him as something demonic.
The second time happened during his sparring with Eric, Eric did not know/believe the rumours of children and the adults kept quiet of it, so he was suprised by it and contacted the master of the tower.

While he fled from the tower into the unknown (because he clearly did not know where he was going to) he came upon True Mortal (FYI, True Mortal always has been mysterious, so the fact he said little and showed little fits his nature) whom transformed him into a raven. Why has yet to be revealed. He got Dubbed Raven for obvious reasons and he still is a raven. He can talk though since ravens are able to talk and since he was a human before, he learned it quickly in this raven form.

As for why and how he got a parachute. It was a little something I added for when people went to get out of the tower fast (for example in an emergency) and Therril took one to run away.

@Dwelling, more like I am finally getting back on with it since chapter 5 had like 2 sentences so I am working on that now and will start the new chapter as soon as the 5th is finished.

Also for people confused about these filler threads. Whenever I want to dabble a bit of, want to do something off-topic with my story, I just make a short story in it Something they can give usefull info about Therril or his surroundings. So you can take what is said there as part of the story.

Have I answered everything then... oh about the jumpy part of your post glaisaurus. Whenever I write, I play the story of in my head like a movie, so I imagined the introduction and when the mysterious woman is dragged off, the scene slowely darkens and moves to sunbreeze as for that is where he is teleported


EDIT: maybe a bit hasty, but chapter 5, which should be the very short introduction of the Beacons of Hope with Raven.
I wanted to make sure chapter 5 was not too long since it kind-off started in the middle of the story's thread. If chapter 5 thus did little, I hope I can make chapter 6 up with it ^^

< Message edited by Therril Oreb -- 5/31/2012 13:58:43 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 10
5/31/2012 18:29:01   
Glais
Member

I understood that, but the logic behind several things simply was off. We just find him randomly leaving the place with no explanation whatsoever. He just...leaves. No reason why.

Then he becomes a bird which was pretty random. Then suddenly later he's back to normal. It all just doesn't make sense and is jumping around too much. You have to allow enough time to process the events.
DF MQ  Post #: 11
5/31/2012 23:01:14   
Therril Oreb
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Can you tell me where I told that Raven turned back human because I am quite sure that I made no such reference. Why he turned ito a raven will be explained in the future you just have to wait untill the story continues. Don't worry, there will be all kinds of things explained in the future.

And secondly, Therril left the tower because he overheard Eric Greydawn talking with Keelia. Since he is still a child, he misunderstood it all and became scared of himself and everyone else. That is why he ran away.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 12
6/1/2012 2:03:59   
  Gingkage
Wolf Rider


Okay, you asked for a critique, so I'm going to give the best one I can. *looks determined* Since it makes the most sense to start at the beginning and work my way through the chapters, that's exactly what I'll do. As a note, any time I say 'this is just an opinion' or 'I would have phrased this *insert how I would phrase something*' I'm merely giving an opinion that you by no means have to take. Corrections will, hopefully, all have an asterik in front of them.

Chapter 1:

Like Glaisaurus_x said, when multiple people are speaking, every new speaker gets his or her own paragraph.

quote:

A night where evil and vile creatures lurk on the innocent and where the weak are being devoured by the strong.

Just an opinion (I give lots of those), but I think 'A night where evil and vile creatures prey on the innocent and the weak are devoured by the strong' flows better.

quote:

Still, a shadow runs through the darkovia forest.

*Darkovia, you're talking about a place, which means that it gets a capital letter.

quote:

"I love you, but there is no other way. this hurts me more then..."

I'm not positive, but I think that it should be *than (can a smart person grammar-wise confirm or deny this?).

Therril's mother seems very... alive, for lack of a better word, despite a spear having just run through her. It would make more sense, I think, if it went through her arm, or struck her upside the head instead of piercing her chest.

quote:

The woman could only grin by the thought.

*at, not by.

quote:

its all peacefull and lovely here.

*It's always peaceful

quote:

What is it doing here anyway.

There should be a question mark instead of a period. Also, this entire scene with the 'light orb' as you describe it, is odd. He seems to go from annoyed to worried.

quote:

But it could not be wiped of, nor is it having a relief of any kind.

I would probably have phrased it 'But it could not be whiped *off, nor was there any relief as he tried to remove it.' Kudos to you for using the word 'relief' by the way. :D

quote:

but if i bring it to Keelia, perhaps i am relieved early of my duty

In both cases, the 'I' should be capitalized.

Chapter 2

quote:

"I'm comming madame."

*coming

quote:

"But i hate cleaning. i want to learn how to fight like Master Greydawn, or Palladin Artix."

Again, the 'I's should be capitalized, and 'Paladin' is spelled with one 'l' not, two.

quote:

For as long as he knew, he had that curse mark on him. Everyone said his family was cursed and that he bears the curse now since he is probably the only one left. Found in a forest near sunbreeze grove. That is all they told him about his past.

These sentences seem odd to me. Why do they all assume that he has a curse mark on him? Are birthmarks so uncommon? Also, how is so much known about Therril's family if he is indeed the last one left as they assume he is? You say that all he had been told about his past was that he had been found in a forest near *Sunbreeze Grove, which implies that everyone there knows who his family is. Which means that they would either know that he isn't cursed, in which case they wouldn't assume he was, or know that he is and either be killed for this curse, left to die in the wildnerness, or someone of extraordinary magic would be asked to remove the curse.

quote:

Therril ran towards where eric stood.

*Eric and I probably would have said 'had been standing' instead of 'stood.'

quote:

"You were right open, this is not how a fighter would behave, boy."

Again, an opinion, but I would have phrased it 'wide open' or 'right in the open'

quote:

The next moment eric appeared againbehind Therril and gave him a little push.

*again behind, though I would probably take out the 'again' and have it read 'The next moment, *Eric appeared behind Therril and gave him a little push.'

quote:

"If you are not, then why are you here? oh i see. you are one of the cleaners here. good, this place could use some cleaning as you can see."

*Oh I see. *You are one of the cleaners here. *Good. Also, why is Eric being so mean?

quote:

Suddenly something poofed in Therril's mind

I think it flows better as 'Suddenly, a thought occurred to Therril'

quote:

"TRAIN ME KENSAI! teach me how to fight. i want to become strong, fight evil and be a hero to Lore!" said Therril before he knew what he said. Eric lifted an eyebrow, "i decline. You are unconfident, and only seek glory. You do not fight for others but for yourself. This is not the way a fighter should be." Therril was shocked, this might be his only chance to show what he is made of and it was so easily declined. " Kensai i beg of you, show me the way of the sword. Show me how i should be, show me what i must do. I humbly ask for your tutoring." Eric had to chuckle " My wife will not believe it if I told her. Very well, i will try something with you, and if it works out, i will tutor you. Though i can only stay for a few weeks and not everyday i will be here."


You need to capitalize the 'I's when they are by themselves (not part of another word). Also this section reads oddly. Why was Eric so easily persuaded to train Therril after he had already said that he would not? Is it possible that you could to into a little more detail on the thought process behind this sudden change of mind?

quote:

Therril gets training from Eric, both in swordfighting as in how to behave.

*and in how to behave. I would probably have written it 'Therril is trained by Eric both in swordfighting and in how to behave.'

quote:

Therril couldn't help but eavesdropping on the door.

I think it reads better as 'Therril couldn't help but eavesdrop on the conversation.'

quote:

There was only 1 thing he could do then.

It's generaly seen to be in bad taste to not write out numerical values, so I would change the '1' to 'one.'

quote:

Therril walked to the armoury, took a longsword with him. Went to the exit, grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the flying tower.

These sentences don't flow very well. I would phrase them as 'Therril walked to the armory and grabbed a longsword. He then walked to the exit, grabbing a parachute on the way, and jumped out of the tower.' Towers don't usually fly, so I removed that part. :P Also, how is it that no one notices him stealing a weapon and a parachute? Is it that all the guards are sleeping on the job (not very likely, but possible)? Or did he know their routes and timed his actions so that he avoided them? The second option assumes that their are patrols, and both of course assume that there are indeed guards present. I would go into detail explaining how no one noticed him leaving with the stolen items. Also, I'm not sure if armory has a 'u' in it or not, since I'm not sure which spelling you're using, the one from America or the one Helixi and Alanna use.

Chapter Three:

quote:

As he floated down, he saw something shiney. It was coming right at him. Before he could react, as if Therril could do something about it, it went right through his parachute.

I would probably have phrased it 'As he floated down, he saw something shiny coming directly at him. Before he had time to react, even though he could not have done anything, it went through his paracute.' I think it flows better.

quote:

If it weren't for the trees in the forrest

*forest

quote:

it was dark, no way to orientate himself nor does he know how to hunt

I would probably say 'it was dark, he had no way to orient himself, and he had no idea how to hunt'

quote:

He had no answers to his questions. So he started to wander around, not knowing what to do or where to go.

I think that these sentences would flow better if they were combined.

quote:

After what seemed like hours, he found an open spot, fitting to make something the should look like a camp.

*that, not 'the'

quote:

The next day, therril woke up.

*Therril (never thought I'd see you misspell you're own name. :P)

quote:

Dazed for he always was accustomed to a bed instead of the bare ground. Therril sat, and tried to collect his thoughts.

Again, I think that these would flow better if they were combined into one sentence.

quote:

He walked for hours, he hasn't ate since yesterday's dinner, so his stomach made clear it needed food.

*Eaten fits better than 'ate'

quote:

It quickly went dark again, he walked the whole day and hasn't heard a single voice or saw a single thing closely related to inhabitants, people or whatsoever.

*It quickly became dark probably fits better than 'it quickly went dark again. This is me ranting a little, but it's a bit of a pet peeve when people use many words where a few would suffice. I would probably make this sentence two sentences and phrase it as 'It quickly became dark. He had walked the entire day and hadn't seen or heard anything closely related to people.' As a side note, 'inhabitants' and 'people' are synonyms.

quote:

It was hard because he was hungry. But he was tired as well so he fell asleep soon enough.

The way these sentences are currently, they contradict each other, making them inconsistant. I would write it either as 'It was hard because he was hungry, but exhaustion won out over hunger and he fell asleep within a few minutes' or 'He thought it would be difficult to fall asleep because he was hungry, but because of how tired he was, he fell asleep sooner than he imagined he would.' That way you still mention his hunger, but you don't have the contradiction of it being hard to fall asleep and him falling asleep quickly.

quote:

A new day, a new chance to meet someone.

I might make this the start of a new paragraph, but that's a personal opinion.

quote:

Maibe he found a magic tower or something.

*Maybe

quote:

isn't he just a human that has been cursed long ago?

*Isn't. And since you are referring to something from the past, 'has' should be *had

quote:

When he looked at the brand on him he suddenly noticed something he didn't notice before. It has a form. First it always a weird random figure. Not really making sense. Now it looks like a bird somehow.

This just doesn't make sense to me. How does he go for 12 years and not notice that the birthmark had a defined shape? Is it possible you could explain this so that it makes sense that he never noticed that it was more than just a blob (for lack of a better word)?

quote:

expecting a rabbit in thorns mouth, enough for 2 people to eat on, he would never expect this. Thorn came back with something looking like a bull.

Assuming you leave it as is, 'expecting' should be capitalized, and 'expect' should be 'expected' and *Thorn's. Though personally, I think that 'Therril expected Thorn to return with a rabbit, large enough for two people to eat. Instead he came back with something that looked like a bull.' flows better.

quote:

"So what am i?

*I

quote:

"I shall not, nor can i tell you.

*I

quote:

"What did i do? stop it, no what is happening?"

*I *Stop

quote:

Therril fainted out of pain.

I would add the word 'eventually' to the beginning of the sentence. Or directly after your name. I say this because the previous sentences make it seem as if the ordeal is lasting for quite a few minutes, and the word 'eventually' in my mind, keeps that feeling of pain lasting for a while. Just an opinion, though.

Chapter 4:

quote:

Darkness, pain. Nothing else could came into Therril's mind.

I would break the first sentence into two sentences (an opinion), and 'came' should be *come. That or you need to remove the word 'could' making 'came' the correct word there.

quote:

Suprised he tried to stand up, only to notice he has no arms. only wings?

*Only (I quoted more than I needed to so that you could find it easily)

quote:

Therril started to panick.

*panic

quote:

The message said:"He is what was said in book 342. He might be usefull, teach him what is needed."

Messages don't usually talk, so 'said' should be *read (unless of course, this is actually a very special message with it's own voice, in which case 'said' is correct). Also this is a fairly minor detail, but things that are written out, such as notes or journal entries, in stories, tend to be italicized. And I'm assuming you're going to mention what this 'book 342' is in the future. I can't be certain since you only mentioned it in passing, but 'book' might need to be capitialized. It depends on the context, and there isn't much to go off of at the moment.

quote:

Holding Therril very thightly he walked to what seemed his house.

*seemed to be

quote:

But the house seems to be a giant fish as well,

*seemed

quote:

Meanwhile, Therril started to look around, not that there was much to see but fishes, fishes and a lot of fishes.

I would change 'and a lot of' to 'and more.' Also, the plural of 'fish' is 'fish' not 'fishes.'

quote:

Therril still Didn't understand.

*didn't

quote:

"Man, im a fishmonger, how could i teach a bird.

*I'm, *I and the sentence should end with a question mark.

quote:

And he didn't even told me the name of you little one.

It should either read 'And he didn't even tell me your name' or 'And he never told me your name.'

quote:

"Well then, better learn you how to fly then

It should either read 'Well then, better teach you how to fly' or 'Well then, better learn how to fly' the second 'then' is redundant, so I didn't include it in the corrected versions.

quote:

luckily there are Flying fishes as well so you should help in some way don't you think?"

I'm note sure that 'Flying' needs to be capitalized here.

quote:

Sooner said then done

The phrase is actually 'Easier said than done' but you were close.

quote:

At first it didn't work, because Raven couldn't hold his balance.

Do you mean 'because Raven couldn't *keep his balance'?

quote:

Raven was able to hold his balance and to slowely glide down on the ground.

Again, do you mean *keep? And it's spelled *slowly, there's no 'e.'

quote:

Since it has been a long painfull day, Chisagen decided to call it a day.

'has' should be *had

quote:

Raven still found it difficult to sleep as a bird. For years he has been a human

Again, 'has' should be *had

quote:

Now he is a bird Forced to sleep while intracting his legs somewhow

You either need a period after 'bird' or to not make the word 'forced' capitalized.

quote:

"Well i cannot tell you everything for certain reasons i cannot tell either, but i can say this.

All of your 'I's should be capitalized. Hey, that rhymes. If it helps you to remember it, then just think of the rhyme.

quote:

"but it had to be faith.

I think you mean *fate, not 'faith' but I can't be certain.

quote:

You my friend, have capabilities beyond the normal fighter you wanted to be.

This is a little inconsistent. How does Chisagen know that Therril wanted to be a fighter? At this point, Therril is unable to talk (Can ravens really talk like we can? That's so cool!), so he could not have told Chisagen that that was his dream. Is it possible that you can explain this further?

quote:

A clan? destiny? capabilities? under normal circumstances, Raven would laugh with it.

Every word after a question mark needs to be capitalized.

quote:

"Well, good night Raven. Tomorrow a new day. You will learn how to fly. As soon as you can, I will make you meet the clan."

'Tomorrow is a new day' or 'Tomorrow's a new day' flows better than 'Tomorrow a new day.' Also, why is Chisagen making Therril meet the clan? Or did you mean 'I will take you to meet the clan'?

quote:

Just to get used to it, then we will try the steering in gliding and the landing.

I think you mean 'steering *and gliding and landing.'

quote:

And Therril, now Raven, always keeps his promisses.

*promises

quote:

Ok Raven, we can do everything exept flying.

This is a minor detail, but 'ok' is typically spelled *okay and you also misspelled *except (I'm not the greatest speller, either, so don't feel bad about the mistakes.)

quote:

Raven Nodded and went for it.

'Nodded' shouldn't be capitalized.

quote:

but when dusk was about to fall, he did it.

Since it's the beginning of a sentence *but should be capitalized.

quote:

Oh wait i forgot to tell you.

*I

quote:

The clan exists out of 2 buildings.

This sentence works as is, but I think that 'The clan consists of two buildings' flows better. But the only change you really need to make here is to write out the word 'two.'

quote:

But im sure you will manage untill you are accepted in the clan."

*I'm

Chapter Five

quote:

A raven is a smart animal so it can talk if learned so

*taught to not 'learned so.' You were really close, though.

quote:

When the pair arived at the clan's castle, Raven was struck in awe.

I think you mean 'struck with awe' or 'awestruck.' Though the way you have it now works, too.

quote:

There was this huge tower that was just shining pure tensity, pure strength it would take the willpower of a higher being to not fall to your knees for it.

Do you mean 'intensity'?

quote:

Oh and I am Lady Greydawn, Eric's wife, nie to meet you."

*nice

quote:

Raven was shocked when he heared that. Though he heared that Eric was married, he never knew who she was.

Both times, 'heared' should be *heard

quote:

He didn't had much time to think about the beacons though, he was jsut too tired from everything to think in fact. The darkness slowely took over and dreams and thoughts filled his mind as he was resting.

You should probably capatalize 'Beacons' as you're referring to the clan itself, but I'm not certain of that. The corrections I am sure of though, are these: *didn't have *just *slowly. I'm assuming that by 'dreams and thoughts filled his mind as he was resting' you're using it as a transition to the filler chapter, but it still seems a bit... rough, for lack of a better word. Is it possible that you can smooth it out a little by mentioning that he was dreaming of the past?

Filler One (I'm not sure you need to point out that it's a filler, lol).

quote:

While putting his clothes on, which went very slowely already

*slowly

quote:

But she couldn't refuse when they threatened her to kick her out of the tower if she still refuses to.

'refuses' should be *refused

quote:

A place he never was allowed into because he could only run in the way.

*get in the way, not run in the way. Very close, though.

quote:

The kitchen was wel ten times as big as his sleeproom where 10 other people sleep.

*Well, not 'well' but I think that 'easily ten times bigger' is a better fit. Your version works too, though.

quote:

Like ants everyone was scurrying around. asking for knives, ingredients and who knows what else.

No correction, here. Just wanted to say that I love the imagery of the kitchen workers scurrying around like ants.

quote:

Being lazy certainly won't be a usefull trait in that chaotic mess.

*useful You were close.

quote:

A fat man man, with a moustache thicker then his eyebrowns, came walking towards them.

*eyebrows

quote:

Therril could have sworn that the ground was shaking wit every step that man took. And he is the cheff here, Therril had to replace the assistant of the cheff.

*with and you misspelled *chef twice.

quote:

Come kiddo, betetr make you usefull while you are here. AZAM!!"

*better As a side note, what's with the chef yelling all those odd words? Is it simply meant to be humorous (which it is), or is there a reason behind it?

Filler Part Two:

quote:

As my assistent you have to be quick and be able to do exactly as i say. If you can't do that, then this will be the last time you ever ate in your life. KAAT!"

*I, *eat

quote:

We wasted to much time already. GYUH!"

This is a minor detail, but it's actually *too and not 'to.'

quote:

Everytime he screw up, he barely gets filleted or skinned.

*screwed. And I think you mean 'barely avoids getting filleted or skinned' or 'nearly gets filleted or skinned.'

quote:

Only twice in the day he had 5 minutes pause to eat something very quickly.

Again, I would write out the number five.

quote:

"WAKE UP YOULAZY PANTS!"

*YOU LAZY

quote:

Getting yelled out of bed, barely getting killed by the chef and a full day of work.

Again, I think you mean 'barely avoiding getting killed' or 'nearly getting killed.'

quote:

The 6th day was no different day.

Again, I would spell out 'sixth' and the second 'day' is redundant, though you don't have to remove it.

quote:

Then, as send by the gods themselves, the door swung open.

I think you mean 'as if sent by the gods themselves.'

quote:

"What in blazes is going on. By the scorching fires of the oven and the freezing ice subes of the fridge.

There should be a question mark after 'on' and you mean *ice cubes.

quote:

well, now you are my assistant, hop to it."

*Well

quote:

Therril for once stayd.

*stayed

quote:

I normaly would stay in bed untill tomorow, but after that i saw that our chef was knocked out, i had to come.

The 'I' should be capitalized, and this is a confusing sentence. How did the assistant see the chef get knocked out if he was in bed? Is his room at a place where he could clearly see it happen?

quote:

"Where doy ou think you are going?

*do you Lots of people make that mistake.

quote:

Perhaps time will tell.

*would not 'will'

As a last little bit of critiquing that couldn't go in any one chapter as it's a problem throughout, you have a habit of switching from past tense to present tense as you write. Try to avoid doing that and stick with just one tense instead of jumping around. If you need an example of this, let me know and I'll find one for you. Also, try to be aware of where commas should be placed.

Overall, this is a really good story. Most of your mistakes are because English isn't your first language and you've done an amazing job of mastering it. Again, the opinions I gave are just that, opinions. Use them or don't use them as you see fit. I hope I've helped and I look forward to the next chapter. I hope I didn't come on too harshly or too over-bearing in my opinions.

< Message edited by Gingkage -- 6/1/2012 2:31:06 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 13
6/1/2012 2:51:09   
Glais
Member

quote:

Can you tell me where I told that Raven turned back human because I am quite sure that I made no such reference. Why he turned ito a raven will be explained in the future you just have to wait untill the story continues. Don't worry, there will be all kinds of t


You mention he changed his clothes. Ravens don't wear clothes normally and there was no mention of his bird form even HAVING clothing. Thus I assumed he turned back to human mode.

Something odd and potentially troublesome in this story to me is that it seems to rely way too much on implying. Especially when the situation at hand is hardly touched on.

Take him leaving the tower. I would have never known it was due to their conversation because it makes no sense...


< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 6/1/2012 3:58:27 >
DF MQ  Post #: 14
6/1/2012 10:36:54   
Therril Oreb
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Well, in my country I so far never have read a single book or story (unless it is child books) that gives dialogues different paragraphs each time a new person speaks.
It seems to be breaking the flow of the story in my eyes but that might just be a habbit from reading books.

@gingkage:
quote:

Therril's mother seems very... alive, for lack of a better word, despite a spear having just run through her. It would make more sense, I think, if it went through her arm, or struck her upside the head instead of piercing her chest.

She was still on the run, the spear was in her only later on. Or did I screw up the timeline somehow without seeing it?

quote:

These sentences seem odd to me. Why do they all assume that he has a curse mark on him? Are birthmarks so uncommon? Also, how is so much known about Therril's family if he is indeed the last one left as they assume he is? You say that all he had been told about his past was that he had been found in a forest near *Sunbreeze Grove, which implies that everyone there knows who his family is. Which means that they would either know that he isn't cursed, in which case they wouldn't assume he was, or know that he is and either be killed for this curse, left to die in the wildnerness, or someone of extraordinary magic would be asked to remove the curse.


The power of rumours is strong. Children and adults alike love to make rumours up. As for why his birthmark seems so weird. First of all, it changes constantly. Those things don't go unnoticed. It is also completely blac as if it is dead, it doesn't look like your everyday birthmark that most of the time is only a darker skin colour. All they know is the following:
1)He appeared out of no where in Sunbreeze Grove.
2)He has an unusual birthmark
3)In an incident, he grew black feathered wings and glided back into the tower. Darkness and the like is as usual seen as evil, curses, etc...

quote:

Also, why is Eric being so mean?

He is not really mean, but rather stern. I wanted to give the wise but stern man personality since it does fit the character.

quote:

Why was Eric so easily persuaded to train Therril after he had already said that he would not? Is it possible that you could to into a little more detail on the thought process behind this sudden change of mind?

Well, as I hinted with the fact Eric chuckled as for how Therril practically begged for tutorship and that he said that "My wife will not believe it if I told her." So he found it funny and didn't see any harm in it.
Maybe it conflicts with the nature I gave him?

quote:

These sentences don't flow very well. I would phrase them as 'Therril walked to the armory and grabbed a longsword. He then walked to the exit, grabbing a parachute on the way, and jumped out of the tower.' Towers don't usually fly, so I removed that part. :P Also, how is it that no one notices him stealing a weapon and a parachute? Is it that all the guards are sleeping on the job (not very likely, but possible)? Or did he know their routes and timed his actions so that he avoided them? The second option assumes that their are patrols, and both of course assume that there are indeed guards present. I would go into detail explaining how no one noticed him leaving with the stolen items. Also, I'm not sure if armory has a 'u' in it or not, since I'm not sure which spelling you're using, the one from America or the one Helixi and Alanna use.

Tbh, I don't know which spelling I use, both armory and armoury seems to fit for me. Though I do prefer with a "u".
I added a small detail saying he did knew about the few guards. Also, it still is a battletower, so people walking around with swords is normal

quote:

This just doesn't make sense to me. How does he go for 12 years and not notice that the birthmark had a defined shape? Is it possible you could explain this so that it makes sense that he never noticed that it was more than just a blob (for lack of a better word)?

I cannot explain it yet, but before he ran away, it always had been a random blob that changed on occasion, even he knew that.
But while running away, he didn't really watched his mark for he just wanted to run and survive. The sentence you quoted, was the first time after he ran away that he actually looked at it.

quote:

And I'm assuming you're going to mention what this 'book 342' is in the future. I can't be certain since you only mentioned it in passing, but 'book' might need to be capitialized. It depends on the context, and there isn't much to go off of at the moment.

Yes, I know it is very confusing to read the story right now. But it is all a build up for later on, trying to lay a foundation that eventually will make a nice construction (or I hope so) for everyone to enjoy.

quote:

This is a little inconsistent. How does Chisagen know that Therril wanted to be a fighter? At this point, Therril is unable to talk (Can ravens really talk like we can? That's so cool!), so he could not have told Chisagen that that was his dream. Is it possible that you can explain this further?

As you noticed before, Therril is apparently mentioned in this "book 342". Once I will get to that book, you will understand more. See it like the Prophecy of Harry Potter. A lot of people in the books knew of it, but only in the 5th book Harry finaly heared it himself(and so did we).

quote:

*better As a side note, what's with the chef yelling all those odd words? Is it simply meant to be humorous (which it is), or is there a reason behind it?

Yes, I was trying to give the chef of the kitchen a weird habit to make him funny in a weird way.


That wraps it mostly up I think. And thank you evry much Gingkage, I also found a few other spelling and grammar mistakes you missed. But I will not blame the fact English is not my first language, practise makes perfect after all ^^

@Glaisaurus: Raven never changed clothes after being turned into a raven the filler does not take place in the time of the story. Well it is a dream of what Therril experienced in the tower. And after re-reading I saw no other references to Raven changing clothes when he is a bird.

Also, I know a lot is still unclear about the story, but as I said earlier. It is all a build up. At certain points in the story, you will have explanations for certain things you did not know yet or knew differently.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 15
6/1/2012 14:16:36   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


*comes from the shadows to comment*

Two things Raven. Firstly, the paragraph for each new speaker isn't for real books- that is something we do here to avoid text walls. Forum tradition you could say- and trust me, for people (like myself) that post paragraph dialogue, it is useful. It also is to replace the fact that we can't indent for a new paragraph.

Second- as it has been said before- this story feels rushed. I know you are building up- but even on minor matters, it is hard to tell what is happening unless you explain. A story should never need external info to be understandable. You imply, but implying is an art hard mastered (I can't even do it right). As such, it is better to over-explain than under-explain IMO. If you wish to be vague for story reasons, that one thing, but not being able to tell what happened ever is another. The Eric thing is a good example- a one line explanation imply can leave people behind. If I were you, I would assume my readers are slow and don't read very well (no offence intended to said readers).

This is a good story, don't get me wrong, but the difficulty in understanding it undermines the quality.

Last note: no matter what we say- have fun writing. That's most important.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 16
6/1/2012 14:56:57   
  Gingkage
Wolf Rider


Glad to help, Therril. I can do it for later chapters, too if you like. Just try not to ask at 11:00 PM next time. I was TIRED by the time I was finished, lol.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 17
6/1/2012 17:55:30   
Glais
Member

Ohhhh. Then...wiuldn't it be a good idea to note when the filler happens? Just saying.
DF MQ  Post #: 18
6/2/2012 5:44:04   
Therril Oreb
Legendary AdventureGuide!


@Glaisaurus, well this filler is the dream Raven has when he is asleep in the cottage next to the BoH base. (Idea partially coming from Gingkage)

@Shadow Ravena:
Writing in such a way is very weird to me, but I will try, but it won't be easy to me. I always have written in this way and up untill now only had complaints about possible grammar mistakes.
So every time someone else speaks, a new paragraph is started?

I will go through my story again soon and see where extra details are needed to explain things as long as it does not spoil the line of the story.
Thank you all for your advice. In a way I will have to adjust my complete writing style but I will try.

< Message edited by Therril Oreb -- 6/2/2012 6:06:36 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 19
6/2/2012 5:50:57   
Glais
Member

quote:

@Glaisaurus, well this filler is the dream Raven has when he is asleep in the cottage next to the BoH base. (Idea partially comming from Gingkage)

Would this not be a good idea to state in the story? Would lessen confusion such as mine :P

@^:Yeah, basically it's like double spacing every time someone talks so that it looks cleaner and is easier to read.
DF MQ  Post #: 20
6/2/2012 7:39:37   
Therril Oreb
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Well, I did the first chapter the way everyone described, could someone check if it is correct now and good to read just to be certain
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 21
6/2/2012 7:40:49   
Glais
Member

Looks good to me.
DF MQ  Post #: 22
6/2/2012 7:58:23   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


*The shadows stir as the story is altered, eyes go over sentences not seen since long ago.*

quote:

"I love you, but there is no other way. this hurts me more than..."


This

quote:

"Don't kill her. she will tell us where she brought the child to. she can't hide it from us."


She, sent/teleported, She

quote:

It's allways peacefull and lovely here.


always

quote:

And the boy could be usefull in the tower.


useful


To add on what Ginkage said about the mother being "vivid" for being punctured by a spear, I'd like to know as to why her pursuiters didn't (attempt) to kill her (instead of leaving it at words).

It is a lot easier to read with the changes made though.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 23
6/2/2012 8:06:00   
Therril Oreb
Legendary AdventureGuide!


I can't say the details yet, but just know it was their objective not to kill her yet

EDIT: after some carefull thinking and considering everything, I decided that I rather stick with my usual writing style instead of paragraphing every time someone speaks.
I will do my best so that it is clear who says what but I won't paragraph every time. It breaks the flow of reading it in my opinion.

I am sorry if I dissappoint others with this but I don't find it pleasant to write in this other way.
I will avoid huge walls of text of course, they are a pain to read for me too.

So I hope everyone will still enjoy reading the story, I am sorry to dissappoint some of you perhaps.


I finished Chapter 6 today.
Chapter 6 was mainly to introduce the side house of the BoH clan where Raven will have a bit of interesting experiences, meetings with new people and many other things.
Chapter 7 will come soon enough.

< Message edited by Therril Oreb -- 6/5/2012 5:00:18 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 24
6/6/2012 22:39:12   
  Gingkage
Wolf Rider


A new chapter, a new critique.

quote:

Raven slowely woke up, still a bit sleepy it seems since he barely gets out of... his bed? As Raven tried to walk out of his bed, he fell flat on his beak. Raven totaly forgot he was still a bird and not a human.

*slowly, *totally

quote:

After the groggyness finally ebbing away, he now recognized the familiar face.

*grogginess; This sentence seems... odd. I would probably put 'was finally ebbing away' or 'finally started ebbing away' or 'finally left' because 'finally ebbing' doesn't seem to flow well in my mind. Completely up to you though.

quote:

"Yes I am fine, I was just...suprised."

*surprised

quote:

People interested in the Beacons can always come to here and get aquinted with what the Beacons are, and the Beacons can get aquinted with you.

*acquainted; It's an irritating word to spell. You were close (I'm surprised I knew how to spell it, lol)

quote:

And if a spot gets free, you might get picked.

Technically you can probably leave it as is as it's still understandable, but 'And if a spot opens up' is what would more commonly be used.

quote:

The people you see here are also interested in the beacons, but know you can be here for a while before you get voted in.

Since you are referring to the *Beacons as a name, it needs to be capitalized.

quote:

It stayed like this for a few more long minutes untill Jake spoke again. "You have been in the hall yesterday? And yet weren't a beacon nor a nominated guest? curious indeed. There has to be a lot more around you then I thought. You sure there is nothing else you wish to say?"

*until, *Beacon, *Curious, *Than. And 'You were in the hall yesterday?' is slightly more correct grammatically.

quote:

Raven was still was not up for it to tell them about what happened after he ran away.

'Raven was still not up to telling them what happened after he ran away.' This flows slightly better in my mind. But if you like your version better, feel free to keep it.

quote:

He wondered if Gingkage recognizes him somehow and why is she here anyway? Did she get fired because he left? Is she looking for him perhaps? all those questions kept popping into his head.

*recognized, *All

quote:

Knowing he ahd to answer before anyone got suspicious of him he said:"No I am sorry, that is all I know. I even barely know the Beacons and I didn't even knew outsiders were not alowed in the great hall."

*had, *know *allowed

quote:

Raven could see that Jake didn't believed it completely but he didn't react on it.

*believe


quote:

"I am looking for answers to questions I have yet to discover myself. And the Beacons of Hope seem to be very knowledgable so joining them will open a wide variety of information that could help me in my quest.

*knowledgeable

quote:

"My name is Sainsbo, I heared many great things about the Beacons of Hope so they peeked my interest.

*heard; *peaked

quote:

A clan is a wonderfull something to know people and feel a tight bond of friendship and brotherhood." While Sainsbo continued to rant on and on about how wonderfull clans are, Raven couldn't help but notice that Sainsbo looked out of place.

You misspelled *wonderful both times here.

quote:

"I have my own reasons, but I do not wish to tell them just yet. I can't speak openly with strangers." Said Gingkage.

No corrections here. Just wanted to say that you nailed my personality down PERFECTLY. The only way it could be more me is if you mentioned my giant bag of everything or my infinite hiding places, of which only half are hiding bags.

quote:

"So what does everyone do here? I can hardly imagine everyone jsut sitting here waiting untill someone gets choossen to become a Beacon right?"

*just, *until, *chosen

quote:

This was a dissapointment for Raven.

*disappointment

quote:

"So Raven, from what I heared from you, you didn't had the chance to explore yet, is that correct?"

*heard; To make this sentence grammatically correct, you either need to say 'didn't have a chance to explore yet' or 'haven't had the chance to explore yet'.

quote:

"Well, how about you explore the land here.

This sentence should end with a question mark. Other than that, it's perfect.

Great chapter. I look forward to the next one.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 25
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