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(DF) Mordred's Vengeance Comments and Criticism

 
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5/17/2010 9:04:22   
Mordred
Member

Here you may make your comments and criticism on my developing novel of sorts. The link to it is http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=17603110

< Message edited by Mordred -- 7/19/2012 13:57:37 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 1
5/17/2010 9:50:54   
Crimzon5
Member

Hi Lord Voidstar.

Some errors I've found on the last post (which for now contains all the installments)

quote:

No longer was it dangerous to remain seperate on the mountain

separate

quote:

"...And in other news, it has come to our attention that Mount Everest has erupted only just yesterday. Scientists are scratching their heads in bafflement, because who knew Mount Everest was really a volcano?"

Splendid! Nice way to make the story thrilling. However, when making a sci-fi story, try not to reference in your current time. Second, don't change facts (but let's say that Mr. X is the fastest person in our time. In the story, it could be possible that he had already been beaten).
* But I /think/ that Mt. Everest became a volcano -- meaning, it never was. Well yeah, I'd like to comment by stating how I'm being impacted by the story WHILE I read it

quote:


ho cared what happened in the Himalayas? There were far worse things to be worried about for them in the near future..

You either have an excess of one period OR a you lack one if you wish to use an ellipsis (which is three dots like this: ...). But of course, it'd be better use a period.

*
quote:

The coffins had been clawed open from the inside (if only Artix was there).
Oh yes. The first post says that this is a DF-AQ-Fan-Fic.

quote:

What woes befell Terra within those next weeks.

I think it'd be better to use an exclamation point here. When people say "What a pain it has been!" ... they speak in a certain tone that makes use of expression.


quote:

All abel bodied people were

able-bodied

quote:

defenses the President had stationed and defend their loved ones; including Harry.

turn it into a comma
quote:


Around this was a crag that surely led down to the fiery magma that gave the dracolich sustanance.

sustenance

quote:

The chances of this great host being caught off guard was slim to none.

"Chances" is the subject, "was" is the main verb. One is plural, the other is used by singular ones. I'd change "was" to "were."

quote:

hearts had been chorrupted by the Emperor of the Shadowscythe

This word sounds familiar? Is it an AQW-term?

quote:

These thirteen thrones varied in hight by increments

height

quote:

will be refered to by their rank until their

referred

Ooo, I loved reading the dialogue. Especially when you refer to people by just using their roman numeral name.

quote:

to himself.Lesser beings think at such a mediocre

You lack a space after the period

quote:

no doubt holding some arcane improtance

quote:

with a slight overhange

quote:

back, which will be explaine at a later date

quote:

: we could layest seige to the American capital

Some typos. "Siege" is spelled with I before the E

quote:

an almost indestructable titanium alloy

indestructible

quote:

almost helf the military in the area was wiped

held

quote:

the catapulters released their deadly

Not sure if that's a real word. But if you look at it, it's still okay (and safer) to say if the catapults released their ammunition.

quote:

Harry was stupified; all he did was

stupefied

Well, that's all I could find. Hope you keep this up and continue to improve.

_____________________________


Can you see the Visions?
AQ DF  Post #: 2
7/8/2010 21:54:05   
Mordred
Member

I'm beginning to think no one reads my work... I doubt that NO ONE can find ANYTHING wrong. I'm not that good. FYI, I did consider Crimzon5's input and make changes accordingly. Thank you for your feed back.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 3
9/14/2010 20:41:11   
Mordred
Member

Well, I recently added to Mordred's Vengeance. I will do so periodically in my free time. Sorry for the long wait, my seemingly non-existant readers.*sigh*
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 4
10/3/2010 11:58:23   
#Garete#
Member

Your story is wonderful,although I hate the Drakonnan part,just just something-I-can't-describe...

Anyway I want you to continue it.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 5
10/3/2010 12:09:44   
Mordred
Member

You don't like the name, or all the parts with Drakonnan? I feel that they're not quite as well made myself. I'll try to work on that, but it's low-priority at the moment. I can't really get beginnings done well, and many writers have troubles with that as well. It'll get better as it goes on, though.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 6
11/30/2010 6:23:01   
Mordred
Member

Been a while now. I recently went through my story, and took out tyops and other small errors. Enjoy.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 7
1/12/2011 23:58:27   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


quote:

Sorry for the long wait, my seemingly non-existant readers


*waves*


I for one am loving you story, though I have mixed feelings toward Mordred. On one hand the guy is the leader of the Shadowscythe and from the looks of things is about to mop the floor with the entire dragonlord order. On the other, if not for him Sepulchure would have enslaved Lore long ago and with the way the dragonlords were acting, did they really leave him much choice? I'm really looking foward to seeing how this plays out :)


< Message edited by Mritha -- 1/12/2011 23:59:26 >
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 8
1/13/2011 6:41:15   
Mordred
Member

*chuckles* This is how I carefully crafted Mordred. I made him so that you have to form your own opinions on him, and not be handed a guy you love or hate right off the bat. And I'll be doing special things with Drakonnan, once I have time to pull in the long-haul and give an overdue update to this tale. }-]
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 9
1/13/2011 6:50:03   
Razen
Member

I still can't wait for the next piece of this. And, I'm still working on Part III of Razen's Story, out of XV. Intimidating, cause then there is the Book of Elkrei(XV-XX), Gahyl(XIV-XIX), Amdakir(X-XX), and then some others. Very intimidating.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 10
1/13/2011 6:50:52   
Mordred
Member

Yeah. RL really gets in the way.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 11
1/13/2011 6:58:14   
Razen
Member

Indeed, it does.

Well, I would get work on the story done faster if I were not already spread pretty thin, with the RPs on the RP sect of the Forums, drawing, school, homework, reading, so I have to find time to really want to type my story.


And Mordred, remember Part III, the break-in of the prison, that's what I'm working on! YES!

< Message edited by Shinobi Shadowmaster -- 1/13/2011 7:45:01 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 12
1/15/2011 20:49:43   
Mordred
Member

Finally found some time. I gave a small update, and now Mordred has pulled off something even he doesn't believe. Now, there's only one part of the battle left, and I might update it again today!
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 13
1/15/2011 20:54:16   
Razen
Member

That's pretty impressive feat there, yet my Zari can boast greater.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 14
1/15/2011 21:10:45   
Mordred
Member

But he's not a god yet.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 15
1/15/2011 21:11:15   
Razen
Member

Nor, are my Zari though. *Malicious Smile*
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 16
1/15/2011 21:14:59   
Mordred
Member

True. But then again, this is only the beginning. There's much, much more to Mordred's tale. And, since I'm bored, I'll make that update now.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 17
1/15/2011 21:16:00   
Razen
Member

Suppose, I will start on either Part IV of Razen's Story or Start on another character, like Elkrei, Gahyl, or Admakir, what would you prefer?
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 18
1/15/2011 21:16:55   
Mordred
Member

Whatever's least important. You always leave the best for last.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 19
1/15/2011 21:18:49   
Razen
Member

Mordred: Well, Part IV then!
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 20
1/15/2011 22:47:54   
Mordred
Member

Updated! Family ties are broken for good(or are they?), and Mordred shows how ruthless he can be! Nothing as epic as last time, but soon, very soon...
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 21
1/15/2011 22:54:47   
Razen
Member

That sounded pretty awesome. Just wait for what Elkrei does though. *Malicious Smile*

< Message edited by Shinobi Shadowmaster -- 1/15/2011 22:55:13 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 22
1/15/2011 22:55:32   
Mordred
Member

What did? My comment here? Or the actual L&L?
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 23
1/15/2011 22:56:31   
Razen
Member

The L&L and comment.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 24
1/15/2011 22:57:14   
Mordred
Member

What do you think of the free-verse poem? Does it seem too strained?
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 25
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