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(AQ) The War Master Chronicles Comments and Criticism

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12/15/2011 17:50:25   
Mystical Warrior
Helpful!


 Comments and Criticism for (AQ) The War Master Chronicles

< Message edited by Mystical Warrior -- 12/15/2011 18:30:11 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 1
12/15/2011 18:28:12   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


 This will be interesting. I look forward to reading.

P.S. Sent you a message about that small mistake.
AQ  Post #: 2
12/15/2011 18:31:37   
Mystical Warrior
Helpful!


 Heh thanks for the link Elryn...Will continue this story...Although my style of story telling may end up jumping from past to present...or present to past

Edit: Finished Chapter 1 of the chronicles
Edit2: Finished adding Interlude 1
Edit3: Finished adding Chapter 2

< Message edited by Mystical Warrior -- 12/16/2011 6:25:51 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 3
12/16/2011 7:06:04   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

The Nightmare Queen order it to stop and bring Isamu alive to here


The Nightmare Queen orders/ordered it to stop and bring her Isamu alive.

It feels like your story is missing something. To be honest, it feels more like a quest than a background story.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 4
12/16/2011 7:25:23   
Mystical Warrior
Helpful!


 @D. D. Thanks for the correction. If I were to follow my original story it will be quite short...What I'm doing now is elaborating more on what happened during the significant events of the char
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 5
12/21/2011 19:09:22   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


 Here are a few things I found :

quote:

Few years have gone by and Isamu's health grew stronger and better, He learned the way of the sword from his father and his sense of justice hasn't faltered but instead strengthened with the teachings of her mother during her time as a priestess. Isamu always sets out to the wilderness to hunt monsters and sell their valuable hide to help earn and sustain his family.


The problem I have with this part is the mixing of present and past tenses. Personally, I would put it all in the past to allow smoother reading. Something like this :

quote:

Few years went by and Isamu's health grew stronger and better. He learned the way of the sword from his father and his sense of justice had not faltered but instead strengthened with the teachings of her mother during her time as a priestess. Isamu always sets out to the wilderness to hunt monsters and sell their valuable hide to help earn and sustain his family.


quote:

Having their blessing, Isamu bade farewell to his parents and promises to return once he is well known throughout Lore for his accomplishments.


promised

quote:

He takes a step back and suddenly disappeared before colliding the wyvern...


took

Those are all the ones I remember finding.
AQ  Post #: 6
12/22/2011 1:00:54   
Mystical Warrior
Helpful!


 Thanks for the corrections Elryn.

Will add Interlude 2 soon as the frostval war finishes.

< Message edited by Mystical Warrior -- 12/22/2011 1:02:14 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 7
12/22/2011 9:22:34   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


 *grins* Most welcomed.
AQ  Post #: 8
12/27/2011 9:20:28   
Mystical Warrior
Helpful!


 Finished Prelude 2 of the chronicles. I will add Chapter 5 soon.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 9
2/6/2012 16:44:31   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


 I see that you have edited the title of Chapter 5. Does this mean it is soon to come?

AQ  Post #: 10
3/6/2012 6:23:52   
Mystical Warrior
Helpful!


 Finally had the free time...Chapter 5 is now out!
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 11
3/6/2012 10:01:58   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 Again, not bad, but it feels more like a quest or screenplay than a story to read.

quote:

slowly but surely the Hooded Man defeats the clones one by one until the original was left...


This for instance reads dull in my opinion, but then again it might be easier to be added to the game this way.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 12
3/6/2012 11:03:57   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


 Mayhap that is his style of writing. Either way, it was fun to read.

I do agree with Dwelling that it would have been nice to have expanded a bit more on the defeat of the shadow clones. A few things I found:

quote:

Impressive...you manged to fend of my Shadow Bodies...but looks like the technique of yours takes alot of toll on you.


Managed, that, took its toll.

quote:

the Hooded Man then starts to gather energy which blew away the darkness that surprised BlackHawke himself...


You must to choose between present or past tense. Another suggestion for the end to be ''much to BlackHawke's surprise''.
AQ  Post #: 13
3/7/2012 5:51:40   
Mystical Warrior
Helpful!


 Thanks for the grammar corrections Elryn.

@Dwelling I'm not much of a story type writer...and I can express my writing more via a quest like scenario since I try to imagine the happenings as if we were playing AQ or at least watching a cutscene from AQ
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 14
12/26/2012 21:24:33   
UnderSoul
Member

Can't wait for 3.2, the title sounds interesting.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 15
10/9/2014 0:25:44   
Mystical Warrior
Helpful!


 After 2 years of no update, finally got the time to write the latest chapter of the War Master chronicles, if I have any grammar corrections or typos, feel free to point them out, also your criticisms and comments are also welcome as always
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 16
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