Bballman23's Works - Comments (Full Version)

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Baker -> Bballman23's Works - Comments (6/25/2008 14:52:33)

Comments thread for all my different works here. Right now I just have a couple of short stories, some assorted writing (like school essays that I enjoyed writing), and some basic poetry. Thanks for reading (and hopefully commenting)!

New
See the ball, throw the ball, hit the ball - An essay about baseball and its many complexities. I still have a bit of work to do on the piece, but it's already vastly better than the first draft and I'm pretty happy with it.

Come Again? - A semi-true story about the second coming of Jesus (XD). I saw the guy in the story at the cafeteria here in Iowa, and couldn't help but think that he could be Jesus. This is a flash fiction piece, so is purposely short and (hopefully) punchy, but I can add more if beneficial. Flash fiction is something new to me, and I like it because it doesn't take all the time and concentration that a full-fledged short story does; I hope to write more over time, as they fun and easy to write and read.

Contents

Narratives
Changes - a farmer is ripped from his life into something far bigger (Work in progress)
The Noble War - a long and bloody war rages between two nations, coming to its climax at the end of the story

Poetry
My Poetry - collection of my attempts at poetry

Other
Forsaken Guardians - A Scarecrow Story - silly rant about scarecrows and their (lack of) uses
Handism: A Completely Objective Observation - persuasive essay written for school, but the subject is something that I constantly joke about with my family and friends (the assignment was a good excuse to write about it!); disclaimer: I am, indeed, left-handed :P
Little League Baseball Childhood Pastime - fun story about the little league in my neighborhood (note that I had to use a different title on its thread since I'm not a mod and cannot do the scratching through)
New(s) Kid on the Block - review on the Newseum that focuses on its display of newswriting's evolution
The Real World - personal narrative about my summer hiking trip in Wyoming; we (being my English class) wrote this after reading Tim O'Brien's The Things They Carried, so part of the assignment was to use some of the same writing techniques he does




r0de0b0y -> RE: Changes - Comment Thread (7/7/2008 16:54:56)

What am I supposed to say other than a generic "thumbs-up" comment? That I couldn't find any spelling errors at all?(although I've never seen facade with that tweaky little mark) That the imagery between the opening scene and the prelude were interesting contrasts? That some of the actions in the bar were a little hazy to follow maybe because of a little TOO much detail?(that's just me, though)

I got nothing.




Baker -> RE: Changes - Comment Thread (7/7/2008 22:21:38)

I'll take all those. :P Thanks for reading and commenting (my first!). Hm, I'll try to prune out some unneeded descriptors if it's a little too confusing. I'm usually told to add more, so when I rewrote it I went all out.

As for facade with the symbol, I dunno, blame Microsoft Word...

I've also posted the second chapter, because I said I would do so sometime sooner than I did (third chapter is still very much a work in progress, though, so it'll be a while before I get that one up as well: I lied in the first post D:).

Thanks again!




Crimzon5 -> RE: Changes - Comment Thread (7/9/2008 7:09:15)

I've got nothing better to do (except for working on my own story). I guess I'll give this thread some attention:

Crimzon Criticizes:

quote:

The man known only as Baker strode into the tavern, tossing his dusty and worn leather coat over the chair nearest to the bar.


quote:

All this Baker warily watched: every moment, every movement, every sound. He continued to feign sips of the drink and converse with the bartender as he quietly and cautiously observed the happenings on the other side of the cozy room.


Am I missing something here?

That's all I could find. Heh... I keep on imagining the baker-guy to look like a chef.




Baker -> RE: Changes - Comment Thread (7/9/2008 23:30:25)

Thanks for reading (you sound so enthused about it :P).

I've fixed the first one -- I think the way it was worked reading-wise, but it's probably one of those things were words are dropped out because they're spoken. As for the second, I don't understand your meaning... what's the question?

As for that, "Baker" is actually the name I go by in RL, even though it's not my real name. And I can assure you I have no cooking skills. ;-)






Crimzon5 -> RE: Changes - Comment Thread (7/10/2008 5:53:55)

Uh... the "All this" doesn't seem to fit. But maybe it will if you add a comma (to think about it... putting a comma does change the meaning)




Fleur Du Mal -> RE: The Noble War - Comments (7/10/2008 17:01:44)

Hi!
I've read your story and actually ended up enjoying it.

I have some questions and criticism, though. All my humble opinions, of course!

Firstly, I don't really see a connection between Boone and the rest of the story. Yes, his a victim of the war, but still, the first paragraph feels a bit detached from the rest of the story. Have you considered about working in a little more? Like telling some of the stuff that follows from his point of view? You have a considerable big portion of the story dedicated on describing the setting, it even gets a bit info-dumbish, and then the actual actions, the solving of the case and the two lords meeting goes by pretty fast. By telling some of the info through Boone's or even Cornelius' memories would bring more emotion and life to it.
quote:

The only regret that the innocent boy had as he lay dying was that he had never gotten to say goodbye to his family before Cornelius’ armed men took him and the other boys in his village away.

This is the last sentence in the first paragraph. The boy is dying and wishes he'd had even the chance to say goodbye before this. The thing is, that this sentence feels too laconic for me to describe such a heart-breaking event. May I ask for more feeling to it?

Secondly, you have only a few typo's and I think your sentence variation and flow is quite good. I also truly enjoy your vocabulary!
However, here's a list of some typo's/odd points I think I spotted in there...

1)
quote:

Cornelius’ promises to his people had become more and more grandiose with time in order to gain their support in the terrible struggle.

This verb is a bit odd choice, imo. It now sounds like he started the war and only after that he started thinking how to present it as acceptable to his subordinates. Maybe the verb you were looking for is 'retain'?

2)
quote:

by plump men in court attire rather than on the battlefield from those garbed in battle-stained uniforms.

For some reason or another, this repetition of 'battle' really stung my eye. It might be just me, though =P
Anyways, you could just leave the other instance out or change it to 'blood', 'mud' or anything else.

3)
quote:

were mutilated by any untrained medicine men who had been hired to serve the army.

This has a bit too tribal cling to it, imHo. How about 'military surgeon' or 'practitioner'?

4)
quote:

Burnt out fields provided no food to the army, and men perished constantly due to the lack of food.

Not 100% sure, but I suspect that should be 'Burnt-out' with a hyphen
Also, you could eliminate the second instance of 'food' with 'due to malnutrition' or 'and the famished soldiers perished, weakened under the effect of some otherwise easily curable infections.'

5)
quote:

Although garbed in some of the best chain and mail armor ever produced in his land,

What do you need the 'and' for? Why not go with the regular 'chain mail armor'?

6)
quote:

The foes continued the banter back and forth, even bringing each other’s mothers into the argument, until both were steamy and breathless.

This is a very nice not-so-nice addition to the scene! =P I like it very much!

7)A suggestion for you to consider: Add more description of actions to the scene were the nobles discuss about the land of Merritt. They might even turn to their advisors once in a while, snort, frown, wave pompously their hands, etc...

8)
quote:

plus Cornelius’ existing fear of the heat of battle and leading an army himself, greatly shook the king, and he slept for only several fitful hours that night.

Don't these words contradict each other? Do you mean 'only few'?

I think that's it! Hope this helped!
Anyways, you told that you're still adjusting the ending. May I ask what kind of adjustment are you planning to do?




Baker -> RE: Changes - Comment Thread (7/11/2008 23:56:54)

Hmm... I think it does fit. The "this" being referred to is the happenings around the tavern, so he's watching it all. Maybe I could say "all these happenings", but I thought that the list after the colon explained what all he watched.




Baker -> RE: The Noble War - Comments (7/12/2008 0:41:10)

:o A comment! (always exciting) I'll address the first couple of comments, and then go through the list:

The idea of going more into Boone is interesting, but I didn't really mean for him to be a very important character in the story. He's kind of just there to suck in the readers attention and give a sense for what's going on, not really touch the reader in any way. If you think that is important, though (it's much easier for the reader to find flaws than the writer), I'll add in some more about him. I just don't want to make him seem too too important, since as you mentioned he does die pretty abruptly. I agree with your comment that the sentence is fairly matter-of-fact, but my problem is that I'm not sure how to fix it. I'm not too emotional myself - and have never been taught how to write emotionally - so it's hard for me to convey great sadness and regret. Changed it to the following, which I hope has a little more emotion in it...

quote:

The only thought that rose to the surface of the innocent boy's mind as the life flowed out of him was that he had never said goodbye to his loved ones before he was ruthlessly torn from his family by Cornelius' soldiers and thrown into war.


1) Good point - changed.
2) Oh, yeah, that does sting. "Blood-stained" sounds cooler anyway. :P
3) Another good point, and another one changed.
4) "Burnt-out" fixed, and I really liked that last rewording. :)
5) Yepyep. Done.
6) Hehe, thanks. I was a little worried it might mess with the otherwise serious tone of the story and argument, but decided to leave it in there and see if anyone noticed. Glad you like.
7) That would be good. They're supposed to be in over their heads here, so some doubt and even exaggeration fits in nicely. I've added some of this in; do you think it's enough?
8) Heh, I was counting several as few. Fixed.

Thanks for much, fabula! Hopefully I've made all the right changes, but if not please tell me!

Oh, and as for what I was doing to the ending, it's nothing specific, I just don't love the way it turned out. I think the general idea and way it unravels is okay, but I get the sense that the back-and-forth conversation isn't terribly interesting and the rulers' absolute assuredness doesn't match with what I've described their personalities to be (adding in what you suggested might help in that area). Like you said in the "firstly" comment, it does go by pretty quickly and without much conflict. Finally, I find the way that the story of Merritt being a horse is confirmed to be a bit unrealistic. I couldn't think of something else that both sides might consider to be fair, though, so I went ahead and did what I could. Always open to suggestions there, or I'll just try to change it little by little until it makes me happy.




Fleur Du Mal -> RE: The Noble War - Comments (7/13/2008 15:07:56)

Hi again!

I don't think that you'd necessarily need to make Boone an extra important character, but since you use the character to draw readers into the story, they naturally want to learn a bit more a bout him. So, imo there's at least two possible options: blend him in to the story so that we can see some references of him in the story before he fades away to the background as Cornelius takes the show. Or you could make it very clear in the first paragraph, that this is just another victim of war, meaningless to the war, nameless to the kings and court but still someone with pain and memories. Then you can exit the chapter with something like 'and after that one last shivering breath, the boys mind drifted away and he existed no more.' Or preferably something less cheesy =P After that, the reader doesn't expect anything more about him.

6) In any other part of the story, that might have messed up with the serious tone, but here, as they are discussing, retorting and showing off, that actually fits in quite nicely.

About the Merritt and horse-thing; sorry, I'm outta ideas here. Adding to the conflict to show off their a-tad-self-indulgent personalities probably works in the story's favour a long way, anyways. And if they are pompous and self-indulgent enough, it might explain that mix-up to be possible?




Baker -> RE: The Noble War - Comments (7/17/2008 1:32:07)

Those two ideas sound good; I'll work on those.

Increasing their ridiculous-ness does sound like a good idea as well. I'll work on that as well.

(To clarify, this post was just to acknowledge your post rather than report any changes. I'm at a camp for a bit and don't have time to work on the story right now, but I didn't want to make you feel ignored after helping me so much!)




wbsbb -> RE: The Noble War - Comments (7/27/2008 16:56:26)

A great story but has more potential.-wbsbb daily

Could be a masterpiece but hasn't reached it yet.-wbsbb weekly

An excellant war story that has touched our hearts.wbsbb monthly

The Noble War . . . . . . Catchy name and great attention grabber.lutra magazine





Lilyheart Butterflies -> RE: The Noble War - Comments (8/28/2008 14:54:54)

I found the story very good. I honestly say, that had a meaning. I enjoyed it.

1)
The first couple of sentences catch attention.
quote:

Alexander Boone was dying. He lay on the hill in a pool of his own blood, bleeding to death from the single deep saber slash across his chest.

2)
Explaining why he was there is really good.
quote:

Alexander had been taken from his home and loving parents, three months ago to the day.

3)
Telling the viewers about the second character in a strong description which also contains about his companions.
quote:

Ruler of a large southern realm, King Cornelius had conscripted thousands of poorly trained peasant swordsmen and archers to fight alongside his powerful knights and noblemen.

4)
The state of him and his family line.
quote:

Cornelius was continuing a struggle that had begun in his family generations before; his father and his grandfather alike had waged war to capture the Merritt province, although neither had been successful.

5)
I don't quite understand this bit.
quote:

Despite this, Cornelius knew from his father and grandfather that the war was a matter of family pride and his passion to recapture his family’s land burned deep in his heart.

6)
I think this bit is supposed to be with the bit above it.
quote:

Cornelius’ promises to his people had become more and more grandiose with time in order to gain their support in the terrible struggle. Every time another village was put to the sword, another army drafted and dedicated to the fight, and another tax levied from the peasant, he amplified his promises of riches and the spoils of conquest. Things would come in good time, the king and his officials insisted. Few in the land had the courage to, and more often had the intelligence not to, point out that these promises were made from the high seat in the capital by plump men in court attire rather than on the battlefield from those garbed in battle-stained uniforms.

7)
Hasn't he gone a bit mad with power?
quote:

Every time another village was put to the sword, another army drafted and dedicated to the fight, and another tax levied from the peasant, he amplified his promises of riches and the spoils of conquest.

8)
The format looks good. Focusing on these 3 paragraphs anyway.
quote:

Alexander Boone was dying. He lay on the hill in a pool of his own blood, bleeding to death from the single deep saber slash across his chest. Rather than proudly thinking that his was a sacrifice on behalf of his nation and pride, the thing that crossed Alexander’s mind in his last moment was what got him into this mess in the first place. Alexander had been taken from his home and loving parents, three months ago to the day. He was pressed into the infantry of King Cornelius’ armies and sent to a military outpost far to the north of his hometown, dragged into this bitter conflict that had taken the lives of thousands of young men such as him and change their worlds forever. The only thought that bubbled up the innocent boy's mind as the life flowed out of him was that he had never said goodbye to his loved ones before he was ruthlessly torn from his family by Cornelius' soldiers and thrown into war.

Ruler of a large southern realm, King Cornelius had conscripted thousands of poorly trained peasant swordsmen and archers to fight alongside his powerful knights and noblemen. In return for this service, the king promised loot, women, and other spoils of war to the men once their northern neighbor ceded its southernmost province – known as the land of Merritt – to his kingdom. Cornelius was continuing a struggle that had begun in his family generations before; his father and his grandfather alike had waged war to capture the Merritt province, although neither had been successful. Thousands of lives had been lost in the process, and in his time Cornelius had only increased the brutality. The exact cause of the struggle – why the possession and conquering of the land of Merritt had become so important an objective – had been lost to history as the war dragged on. Despite this, Cornelius knew from his father and grandfather that the war was a matter of family pride and his passion to recapture his family’s land burned deep in his heart.

Cornelius’ promises to his people had become more and more grandiose with time in order to gain their support in the terrible struggle. Every time another village was put to the sword, another army drafted and dedicated to the fight, and another tax levied from the peasant, he amplified his promises of riches and the spoils of conquest. Things would come in good time, the king and his officials insisted. Few in the land had the courage to, and more often had the intelligence not to, point out that these promises were made from the high seat in the capital by plump men in court attire rather than on the battlefield from those garbed in battle-stained uniforms.


I only wanted to quote on this bit. Nice story.

Loads of blood and gore. My brother's would like this.


Sorry for posting after a month from the last post. :P




Baker -> RE: The Noble War - Comments (8/28/2008 16:46:06)

@wbsbb: Heh, thanks. Very unique (and cool) way of commenting. Thanks for reading.

@Mistress Lilyheart: Thanks, I'm glad you liked it! (and were willing to comment) As for your comments...

5) I tried to say that his family had pounded the importance of regaining the territory into his mind his entire life, and that that desire was strong within him. I changed it to the following, which hopefully clears things up:

quote:

Despite this, the need to regain the land had been pounded into his mind from birth, and Cornelius knew that the war was a matter of family pride. His passion to recapture his family’s land burned deep in his heart, and drove him to terrible actions.


6) If you mean with the paragraph two above it, I actually like it the way it is. I talk a bit about his actions, give some background on him, and then continue on with the more important parts of the story.

7) Indeed. :P It's a bit dramatic, but does get the point across.

Thanks again! Feel free to show it to them. :P

Writing / Life Update: School has been limiting my free time and thus my writing time, but I'm going to try to do at least something every weekend. You might even see some (terrible) poetry posted by me sometime in the future, because I'm talking a course on it at school this year in an effort to learn the basics.

General update: Eukara was kind enough to merge my two comments threads together, and I'm going to link all the different stories that I post here in this thread. If you find the order and content of the comments before this, it's a result of that merge.




Lilyheart Butterflies -> RE: The Noble War - Comments (8/29/2008 5:34:55)

Ok, Good Luck at school. I've gone back too. Well not yet. But I will be on Tuesday [;)]

I'm sure you'll be able to make some cool Poetry. I've also found an attatchment for the story, that explains the first paragraph quite well. [:(] Lost it [:(]




Baker -> RE: Bballman23's Works - Comments (8/31/2008 1:23:14)

Thanks. You too! Glad you were satisfied with the change I made to the story.

Update: Reorganized the first post, linking all my work currently posted here. I made (and linked here) a thread containing my first poems and added a link to my two pieces in "Other Literary Art" as well. Comments on anything and everything are greatly appreciated!




Eukara Vox -> RE: Bballman23's Works - Comments (9/4/2008 18:30:26)

The Noble War:
Well, here we go!

This is my take on the story. I didn't read anyone else's commentary, as you have already addressed their points. So, this is based entirely on how I look at this piece. My views first, then my overall opinion last.

quote:

Alexander Boone was dying. He lay on the hill in a pool of his own blood, bleeding to death from the single deep saber slash across his chest. Rather than proudly thinking that his was a sacrifice on behalf of his nation and pride, the thing that crossed Alexander’s mind in his last moment was what got him into this mess in the first place. Alexander had been taken from his home and loving parents, three months ago to the day. He was pressed into the infantry of King Cornelius’ armies and sent to a military outpost far to the north of his hometown, dragged into this bitter conflict that had taken the lives of thousands of young men such as him and changed their worlds forever. The only thought that bubbled up the innocent boy's mind as the life flowed out of him was that he had never said goodbye to his loved ones before he was ruthlessly torn from his family by Cornelius' soldiers and thrown into war.


Hmm, I would split this up, more for description and mood setting than anything else. The paragraph is too large and takes away from what the second half has to say.In my opinion you also need to connect the dying guy to the battle better. It will not only enrich your beginning, but help tie together other parts of this first section.

As he lay there, bleeding to death, there has to be stuff going on around him. You have completely lost focus on his place in the story. He is dying because of battle. He needs to see the battle, continue to experience it in order to throw him back to why he was there in the first place. Are people running around him frantically? Has anyone checked on him? Is he already considered dead as other fight over him in their own efforts to stay alive? Does he try to move to another fallen comrade, to at least have someone else to die with?

You need to work in these other youth that were ripped form their homes and fighting also. Otherwise, you don't have the impact of his memory taking hold of your audience. If you have him watch his comrades as he dies, you can successfully create some major sympathy with your reader, not only to his plight, but to everyone else's.

Then as he labors to breathe and he begins to feel cold, have him recall how he got there. Have him look upon those other fallen or fighting friends and remember how he got to this point in his life. Launch into how he was ripped form his family, like all the others. Maybe include a few thoughts that illustrate his bitterness.

Close this section with his regret to say goodbye. Have him think or imagine the scene where he says goodbye. Make it seem realistic to him so that as he dies, he dies feeling better about his death. Or have him mouth the words goodbye as his eyes close.

Now you have established a sympathy, an anguish and emotion in your reader. With this, you can get them ready to meet the person most responsible: Enter Cornelius. The above has the possibility to be spread over 4-5 paragraphs, depending on your descriptive abilities.

Now that you have told the plight of one of those poor peasants, you have already led the reader to make assumptions about this new character.

quote:

Ruler of a large southern realm, King Cornelius had conscripted thousands of poorly trained peasant swordsmen and archers to fight alongside his powerful knights and noblemen. In return for this service, the king promised loot, women, and other spoils of war to the men once their northern neighbor ceded its southernmost province – known as the land of Merritt – to his kingdom. Cornelius was continuing a struggle that had begun in his family generations before; his father and his grandfather alike had waged war to capture the Merritt province, although neither had been successful. Thousands of lives had been lost in the process, and in his time Cornelius had only increased the brutality. The exact cause of the struggle – why the possession and conquering of the land of Merritt had become so important an objective – had been lost to history as the war dragged on. Despite this, the need to regain the land had been pounded into his mind from birth, and Cornelius knew that the war was a matter of family pride. His passion to recapture his family’s land burned deep in his heart, and drove him to terrible actions.
Again, rather large paragraph that should be split to give the reader the ability to concentrate on all the ideas in this paragraph. The first two sentences alone should be their own paragraph. Take what you have written and turn it into a way to characterize Cornelius. How did he go about the conscription of peasants? Did he use propaganda, underhanded advertisement, false witnesses... Describing how he did this will go a long way to paint a picture of him, and quite possibly, how the people of his kingdom react to him or regard even themselves. Once you have given us this picture, you can move on to the history of this war. This could take you 2 paragraphs, actually I suggest that.

Make the brief history a paragraph to its own. I see no real need to expand this part, unless you want to point out one things each man did wrong before Cornelius.

quote:

Cornelius’ promises to his people had become more and more grandiose with time in order to gain their support in the terrible struggle. Every time another village was put to the sword, another army drafted and dedicated to the fight, and another tax levied from the peasant, he amplified his promises of riches and the spoils of conquest. Things would come in good time, the king and his officials insisted. Few in the land had the courage to, and more often had the intelligence not to, point out that these promises were made from the high seat in the capital by plump men in court attire rather than on the battlefield from those garbed in battle-stained uniforms.
This paragraph is full of very complicated sentences and can possibly cause you to lose your audience. The second and last sentences need to be split up.

Use one paragraph to chronicle Cornelius' promises. Give the reader examples of what you mean by grandiose. Just telling them that the promises of riches and spoils is not going to be enough by now for the reader. Be specific. Does a farmer, who fights and returns, have the promise of better land, more land, or perhaps servants to help tend the fields? Do the swordsmiths have the guarantee that they would have the excess damaged weapons to melt down in order to recreate better ones for his country and king?

When it comes to "Things would come in good time," I would rather this be expressed in whispered dialogue between the peasants, stolen conversation by firelight, secret meetings of the women left behind in quilting gatherings, children mocking their king while the common soldiers weren't looking. You need to put some character into your country now. We have a good idea about the king, now you need to work in personality within the people of your country.

Alright, I must stop here, more because of time.

I am not done. Not by a long shot. But this gives you something to chew on while I go about RL stuff. I will return.





Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Bballman23's Works - Comments (9/5/2008 16:16:22)

Hi!

I came here to type out my comments for 'Changes' which I read already earlier while contemplating certain nomination... Although, I noticed that you have added a chapter after that so I've now read that too.

Again, as with the Noble War, I truly enjoyed the flow of your writing. Now, you haven't posted anything that would bring the story back to the very first lines describing the festivities at the royal garden as of yet (although, I have a non-educated guess, lol)... I'm very eager to find out what shall tie the story back together with the first scene.

Some typos, and other comments:
1)
quote:

The grizzled bartender and owner of the dive, recognizing his striking features and impressive, broad-shouldered statures, slid over his largest tankard of ale.

I believe that 'stature' should be written in singular, since we're looking at only one man.

2)
quote:

Suspiciously, they were hunched low over the solitary low burning candle that occupied the center of their table and muttered back-and-forth; they had been so for a time, and the woman was by now itching to be rid of them.

This is only my opinion, but in the midst of your otherwise very varied and expressive writing this bolded part 'they had been so' stands out just too bland... Have you thought of some more expressive way to describe the staleness/immobility of the moment, so to speak?
E.g. 'they had been conversing like this for a notably long time' or 'they had acted this way for quite some time now, and the woman was already itching to be rid of them.'

3)
quote:

The two men at the table turned toward the serving maid and, as the hooded man swiveled his head, a slight glint could be seen from under his cloak as the soft illumination of the candle caught something on his head. She had hardly begun considered what could be the cause of this before he snatched the rough material with supernatural speed; he drew it closer around his scalp and looked blankly at the woman as if nothing had occurred. Something about the look caused her to sweep the incident from her mind, and she continued about her duties as usual

a) First of all, there's a period missing at the end of this paragraph: 'usual.'
b) Secondly, I would not encourage you to use such a non-defining word as 'something' twice as close together as they are used here. You could consider describing one of these 'somethings' better; I'd prefer drawing attention to what exactly was it about the look of the man that caused the maid to shun away from her observations. My humble opinion, of course!
c) Thirdly, I suspect that that 'begun considered' should be 'begun to consider'.

4)
quote:

Into the pitch-black streets of the town he went, staggering and swaying to over exaggerate his intoxication.

I suspect that word should be written without the space; 'overexaggerate'. At least according to dictionary.com.

5)
quote:

Lights flashed in Baker’s head, and he sank to the ground.

I would use 'past/in front of Baker's eyes' or 'in Baker's mind' here because the blows to the head makes it feel like there really were lights flashing, thus making it seem like he was using his sense of sight. Yes, the sight of the lights are created in his brain by the blows hitting near the area in the back of the brain that deals with eye-sight information, but he sense them as if he'd been seeing them.... [/end of nitpicky rant =P] Do feel free to disagree!

6)
quote:

The young boy gazed into the familiar face, puzzling over just what foolery his uncle was up to now.

Please check this article. As you mention the young boy to the reader for the first time, my intuition would use 'A' here.

7)
quote:

waking at random intervals with a start as the horse jostled over rocks and other obstacles in the road…

Shouldn't that preposition be 'on' ? Do correct me if I'm wrong...

8)
quote:

The blood rushed to the injury in his head, causing a sharp pain.

'Pain', I believe, is an uncountable noun and therefore I think you should leave that article 'a' out. Furthermore, you repeat the word 'pain' four times in this same paragraph. Try to think some synonyms or way around that word.

9)
quote:

Thin, straw-colored hair protruded from the cracked leather hat jammed atop the his head and, following the muscled neck down,

'atop of his head'?

10)
quote:

This did not stop him from attempting to free himself, but no matter the method of escape freedom continued to elude him.

I suspect you'd need a comma in between those two words.

11)
quote:

The fleeing child was brought to the dwelling place of a minor farmer and his wife.

'A minor farmer'? So, he didn't have full control over his land?? Because that's what the word 'minor' refers to, imho. How about a plain 'poor', 'humble', 'modest', or 'ordinary' ?

12)
quote:

With any luck, the boy would blend in with the many children of the farmers, and he would soon forget about Arundel, his parents, and his royal blood.

Why do you use the of-possessive form here? Couldn't the simpler: 'the farmers' many children' serve the same purpose?

13)
quote:

the boy stood and turned to look at the kindly smiles of his new parents as they stood on the porch of the small wooden cottage that was to be his new home.

I suspect that you should use a plain adjective there: 'the kind smiles'.

14)
quote:

A ditch scattered with sharp wooden stakes surrounded the towering walls of the castle further emphasized the feeling of the place;

Something feels awry with this sentence. This there a comma missing somewhere or is one of the verb in wrong form?
'A ditch scattered with sharp wooden stakes, surrounding the towering walls of the castle, further emphasized the feeling of the place'
or
'A ditch scattered with sharp wooden stakes surrounded the towering walls of the castle, further emphasizing the feeling of the place'
Please check...

15)
quote:

its imposing stone face broken only by the dozens of arrow slits strategically place to allow defenders to rain death upon besiegers while remaining protected themselves.

A typo: 'placed'

Alright! The first chapter creates an interesting, very captivating start. I'm not sure if it's good that the story becomes so chopped between 'the past' and 'the present' so quickly as it does in chapters 2 and 3. These chapters are quite short to be pouncing to and fro. Although, maybe this is a stylistic thing you're trying and its effects that serve your purposes can only been seen later as you've written more...




Baker -> RE: Bballman23's Works - Comments (9/12/2008 15:43:24)

Thanks you two! Sorry for not responding earlier, but I've been inactive because of RL stuffs. I now have an extended break from school because of the storm, though, so I've taken and printed screenshots of the comments that I'll use to work on the stories while I'm without power. I'll post the edits and responses once the storm passes.

Edit: Oh, by the way, congrats on the title fabula. Very well deserved. :D




Eukara Vox -> RE: Bballman23's Works - Comments (9/15/2008 1:36:28)

quote:

The same was true on the other side of the border and fight between the two states. Duke Schuyler, the ruler of the northern land and actually a distant relative of his opponent in the south, sent out increasingly harsh decrees from his court that he knew to be unreasonable. These laws and policies were soon followed by promises that he knew could not and would not be fulfilled.
This paragraph starts out a bit bland. Make the transition from one part of the land to the other more literal. Like take the reader on a walk over the border. Have them cross a stream, walk through a quiet section of the forest before plunging them into the harshness of the other land.

Maybe have them walk into a village and see downtrodden people. Focus the reader attention on a posted decree, scan the faces of those who read it as a general who just posted it swaggers away. Maybe even tell the reader what the decree was, giving you the bridge to talking about what Duke Schuyler was doing to his people.

Then pan and follow the general as he returns to an official building and insert dialogue as the reader overhears noblemen, war veterans, officers, etc talk about what was going on with an air of nonchalance. That way the next section can be supplemented by some action/dialogue to explain the situation, giving the reader a break from the narrative.
quote:

These orders were enforced by hardened officials and soldiers on both sides who treated them just as they were given: cold, hard commands and missions to accomplish. The noblemen themselves became less and involved in battle and war themselves, instead restricting their roles to observers and motivators. Little consideration was given to the suffering and death that the constant attacks, counterattacks, raids, and sieges brought crashing down on the people. With help not forthwith coming from their lieges and officials, nearly anyone who received even the most treatable wounds died or were mutilated by any untrained medicine men who had been hired to serve the army.
See above.

quote:

For both sides, the march was an ordeal. The large armies passed through what used to be the homes of their friends and families, now war torn ghost towns home only to scavengers and cripples. Burnt out fields provided no food for the army, and men perished constantly due to the lack of food. In their tents, the rulers lounged on their beautiful carpets and furs and planned attacks with their counts and knights, ignoring the suffering that continued just beyond the thick leather flaps of their decadent resting place. Amongst the death and destruction, the only thoughts that entered their minds were those of revenge on a man they had never met.
I like the last sentence of this paragraph, very meaningful.

quote:

And so, after a prolonged and miserable march for both factions, the armies came together. The diplomats of the opposing states agreed upon the place where the armies would meet, and the remnants of the armies set out for the abandoned field.
Dramatize this more. Both of these remnant armies seem very sad, in a manner of speaking. Describe what they look like here. Are the pikes drooping? Is there dust kicked up, not from marching, but from the dragging of feet? Do the horses looked somewhat spent, the clothing worn and dusty? Are there injured among the troops that stick out like a sore thumb? Contrast the peasantry from the others.

Then jump into them staring at each other from across the strip of land.

quote:

The foes continued the banter back and forth, even bringing each other’s mothers into the argument, until both were steamy and breathless. The majority of the two armies were at this point stretched upon the ground, and a significant portion of the men appeared to be nodding off as they waited for orders. Once the pair of rulers caught their breath and returned to their glaring competition, one of the king’s top generals approached him and murmured in his ear.
Loved this!

Alrighty, over all, I liked this a lot. So much so that I wish it were longer - with chapters and such. :P

Take everything I have suggested with a grain of salt. I merely want to spark your imagination. If I over did it, then I apologize profusely.




Baker -> RE: Bballman23's Works - Comments (9/21/2008 10:42:16)

Finally did some work on the stories while we were in Vermont. :D Responses to fabula's comments about Changes are first, with Euk's on The Noble War next.

@Fabula: Yep, I'll be tying the italicized parts in. It's probably pretty easy to guess what they are meant to be, but it's a style I've never used before and wanted to play around with. Anyway... the comments:

1) Indeed. Fixed

2) Good point. I changed it to your second proposed solution.

3)
a. Oopsies. Fixed.
b. Hmm... true. I didn't want to make what was unusual / special about the man too obvious, but I agree that the usage of two "something"'s so close together is not a good idea. I changed the second one to "The nature of the look...", which is hopefully more clear.
c. Heh, that's what I get for editing it multiple times and not reading it over. Fixed.

4) I believe you! I decided that the "over" there was a bit redundant, though, so I just left it at "exaggerate".

5) Hehe, nitpicky rants are always fun. :P Makes sense to me; "in front of Baker's eyes" is more specific and descriptive, anyway, so changed.

6) That probably would be better, true. I thought it worked because (at least in my mind) he's the only young boy in the scene, but "a" makes more sense since that fact is never actually established.

7) I believe you're right again there! I think I say "in" instead of "on" there in speech, so that's why I wrote it like that. :P

8) Makes sense (another spoken error, I'm afraid). And ew, yeah, four times is overdoing it. Hooray for thesauri!

9) Ugh, I hate these embarrassing mistakes. XD I just removed "the".

10) Fixed.

11) By "minor" I had meant not very important to the community; one that only farms a small amount of land and crops. "Humble" sounds better, though, so fixed.

12) Indeed. Fixed.

13) True again, and fixed again.

14) Another one of those "change it around too many times and not reread it before posting it" errors. The second one it is.

15) Changed.

Thanks; glad you liked it. The choppy thing is something I need to look at... I suppose it could be considered a bit of a stylistic thing, but if it's super choppy it probably takes away more than it could possibly add. I'm sorry for all the careless mistakes; I'll be sure to read over whatever I add next before doing so, and thanks for pointing out all those that were in there. I'll try to read over the whole thing and even it out sometime in the future, lengthening the shorter parts to give it more detail and depth.

@Eukara:

You don't number yours! D: I will anyway, for answering sake.

First post

1) Great points, and really good ways to add more description into the story. Fabula had talked about adding emotion to the story and specifically that character, and I think your suggestions should accomplish that. I've tried to expand upon his death and included several of the things you mentioned in the new paragraphs (battle around him, man checking on him, cold of death, dying comrade, and even mouthing goodbye). I also attempted to go into the removal from his family. I'm new at adding emotion, and I was also afraid of overdoing it, so please let me know if it still needs more work!

2) That would be nice, I agree. I've given the impressment and gathering of troops a sizable paragraph. Tell me if you think more should be added.

3) Both done! I added several things that you mentioned - peasants discussing the king's declaration and his actions as well as the boys mocking the king - and tried to break up and simply those complex sentences. As always, if more work is needed, please don't hesitate to say so.

Second Post

1/2) I tried to lead the reader like you talked about in my edit, but found it hard to do so while staying in the past tense. I ended up mixing present and past tenses in there to do so, but I don't know if that disrupts the flow of the story. I think it does definitely add depth character to the section, so I like the concept even if the current incarnation doesn't quite work.

3) Thanks. :) Changed those two prepositions.

4) Good idea to add more there as well! I talked about the men and horses' exhaustion, talked about injured men dotting the armies, and contrasted all that with the appearance of the officials. I also did a bit of rewording of the diplomats and their meeting.

5) Hehe, thanks. I was afraid that that bit would ruin the atmosphere of the moment, but since it's said in a pretty serious tone I think it does well.

Thanks so much, and for all the comments! I don't think you overdid it at all, I just hope that my edits added enough! As I said throughout the responses, please let me know if you feel more is needed. I'd hate to not improve something that needs it just because you're worried about giving me too much to work on.

Someday I might expand upon the story and make it longer like you suggested, but I think having several, good short stories about different topics to my name rather than one or two long ones does more for me now. Once they're good, hopefully they'll only get better with more expansion.

Thanks again for all the help, both of you! Now I just need to reciprocate by reading some of y'all's work, and we'll be all square. ;)




leon lionheart -> RE: Bballman23's Works - Comments (9/29/2008 14:30:07)

Sorry that I havn't brought with me anything for yu to change in your stories but I read the Noble war a while back and seeing as it got nominated, I hope it sees you through into winning, after all it was quite epic for a short story and the fact that you made a short story epic well...makes you a pretty darn good writer imo. Anyways don't know if you are planning on doing a longer version which I dunno would be nice, but perhaps as a seperate story since I was starting to like some of the characters but the fact that it was a short story kinda makes it double special so I wouldn't mind if you didn't change it. Anyways keep up the writing, I'll probably be reading some other stories maybe...if I find the time :P




Baker -> RE: Bballman23's Works - Comments (9/30/2008 20:59:43)

Thanks. I'm glad you liked it! The idea of making a longer version is definitely something I'll think about as I go forward, since both you and Eukara suggested that. Alright, that I will. Look forward to seeing you around. :)






Added three poems of various styles to my poetry thread. If nothing else, it's fun to experiment with different ways of writing. Please read them and let me know what you think!






Two stories posted. One was a personal essay assignment for my English class that I enjoyed and thought came out well, and the other is a fun (at least for me to write :P) piece about my local baseball league. I recently submitted the stories to the Scholastic Writing Awards, which gave me the chance (and forced me) to look them over and make final changes, so I decided I'd see if any of y'all had anything to say about them!

Hopefully the judges of the contest don't think I stole my submissions from some random guy online...

Links: Little League Baseball: Childhood Pastime and The Real World




Lilyheart Butterflies -> RE: Changes - Comment Thread (10/29/2008 5:23:28)

Hiyas!

I have read your story 'Little League Baseball: Childhood(?) Pastime' and I am here from Worshop - Need A Hand? I've Got A Few. I'm going to just... Erm, do your critique. This should take some time.

Nice story, ajected well. One thing I'd like to ask you about is this;

1) Shouldn't this my their or them?
quote:

, so much so that one might think it was they playing the game instead of watching it.


2) This could be on, I'm not too sure if 'In' fits there.
quote:

A “whap!” and the ball shoots out of the machine and arrives with a thud in the fence.


3) Innings? Should that be winnings?
quote:

This game, six innings in total, goes like virtually all games -

Oops, I figured that was the roundings in the game.

I think that's all I found. Overall a nice story. Are you gunna write another part too is at all?

Anyway, that's all. Thankies!

~ Mistress Lilyheart ~




Crimzon5 -> RE: Bballman23's Works - Comments (10/29/2008 8:49:54)

... more to what Mistress said:

quote:

Wind whistles through the trees, cooling the dark night

quote:

This is the opening day of little league baseball.

Wasn't it night? Or is it day?





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