Innocence and Arrogance ~ Clyde's Comment Thread (Full Version)

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Clyde -> Innocence and Arrogance ~ Clyde's Comment Thread (6/29/2008 17:17:42)






Crimzon5 -> RE: ~Live.Love.Laugh.~Comments (6/30/2008 6:24:55)

You've got a fanboy here. Oh yeah, would you mind if I used If Only as the poem which I need to present in class. We're also gonna give comments and critism about it :D




Mistermafio -> RE: ~Live.Love.Laugh.~Comments (6/30/2008 7:05:01)

Pff, how dare you post this incomplete excuse for a first post! >:^(

It isn't even complete.

/Uncle/ Clyde

:^P

Great poems as ever Clydo.




Crimzon5 -> RE: ~Live.Love.Laugh.~Comments (6/30/2008 7:08:31)

What? Do I lack a w00t first post! or claimage? Nah... Clyde's post/thread itself got this page xD

-Lawyer skillz

By the way, Clyde, care to do a collab with me?




Mistermafio -> RE: ~Live.Love.Laugh.~Comments (6/30/2008 7:14:49)

A first post in a Clyde thread should look a whole lot more w00t.
A whole lot more. :^P
I'm just kidding for those confused. <.< >.>

Anyway, since when is pink the same colour as red Clyde?
I find it hard to spot the difference between the two in your index.




Clyde -> RE: ~Live.Love.Laugh.~Comments (7/1/2008 2:50:45)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Crimzon5

You've got a fanboy here. Oh yeah, would you mind if I used If Only as the poem which I need to present in class. We're also gonna give comments and critism about it :D

Sure just don't claim it as your own or I will hunt you down with nothing but a rusty fork and a shoe. Also I would have to agree with the Mafioman, the first post needs to shine like gold. :p

Also I'm always ready to collab. Just hit me up on IRC or MSN.

@Mistermafio: Re-added Uncle Clyde. *high-fives Mafio-man*



New Poem: It's Called Love

Enjoy. :)




Clyde -> RE: ~Live.Love.Laugh.~Comments (7/2/2008 3:14:03)

New Poem: Built from Iron

Enjoy. :)




Crimzon5 -> RE: ~Live.Love.Laugh.~Comments (7/2/2008 8:46:17)

By the way... in "If Only"... you spelled 'Cries' s 'Crys'




Clyde -> Clyde Writes!?!?~Comments Thread (7/3/2008 0:19:15)

Welcome to my story comments thread. Clyde Writes!? Yes he does. :P I really don't have a defined style I guess or a set inspiration because I get inspired by watching. Really you might not like me now, but if you stick around you'll soon come to love me. Support is great. Friendship is a must. Love for what you do is just awesome. Is there anything else I need to say besides Read?

My Poetry Thread

Achievements '09



Stories
Here are my stories. Each more different the last when you get into them. From the a Future world with magic to a story about a Girl who saves the world.

This will be the recordings of the Truth Seeker Clyde and his life in the Abode of Falerin.

A Story of a Kingdom falling apart at the seems and the good guys... don't exist.

In a world where some humans share genetic DNA with the animals of the world. A boy in his teens named Dante tries to control the inner beast within him before he loses himself to it.

Ever wonder what a Futuristic world with semi-advanced technology and magic would be like? Well in this story you follow Deren Xavien, a soldier of the S.O.A.S trying to defend the world he loves.

Based on my RP Character Marken, an alchemist born on the East coast of Deren. We follow him as he tries to find his brother and redeem his past.

Breaking Ascension
A story of how a man tries to fight the odds to bring order back into his chaotic life.

A few shorts that could some day grow wings, but that'll take some time.




Collaborations
Whoa, whoa. Clyde does collaborative works with other people!?!

A Collaborative work by Versilaryan and I about two young foxes named Kitsune and Rychaeth. If you love action and some other things then you'll definitely love this story.

A Story about animals who show their true selfs when their owners are asleep in the great big city of New York.



Guides
Whoa, whoa. Clyde writes helpful guides!?!

The FAQ of L&L that come with some answers.





Master Samak -> RE: Clyde Writes!?!?~Comments Thread (7/6/2008 23:05:00)

Breaking Ascension

1.
quote:

The Alarm clock beeped endlessly and his patience was wearing thin.
I don't think this should be capitalized...

2.
quote:

A few beeps of his alarm clock he finally through the alarm clock against the wall.
I would change the entire sentence to this: "A few more beeps from his alarm clock and he finally threw it against the wall." Or, there should be two separate sentences here. Your choice.

3.
quote:

His dark hazel eyes shifted to a red blur; trying to gain concentration on the world.
I don't know if the semicolon is necessary. A comma would work fine.

4.
quote:

Today was the day and in one hour and five minutes today would be her last day.
I am going to give you what I suggest: "Today was the day, and in one hour and five minutes this day will be her last.

5.
quote:

Sure Falonna City was big, but it had a lot of shortcuts meaning more than one way to get to his destination.
There should be a comma here, "...shortcuts, meaning..."

6.
quote:

He awaited for a taxi as he stuck his thumb out into the street.
I believe that this should be "waited", if not "waited impatiently".

7.
quote:

As a yellow taxi floated up to him he quickly grabbed a hold of the driver and throws him out the car.
This should remain in the past tense, as "threw".

8.
quote:

“There’s no point in trying,” A voice called out to him as he stepped on the pedal fiercely.
Because of the comma before, this "A" should be decapitalized.

9.
quote:

It’s not my fault it is her time.
It would help the sentence flow easier if it had, "...fault that it..."

10.
quote:

The voice kept going on, but did not originate from within his subconscious.
I would prefer "talking" or "speaking", but it doesn't matter.

11.
quote:

“You will not make it in time. So don’t even bother…”
This should either be, "...time, so don't..." or "...time. Don't...". Do you see what I mean?

12.
quote:

Still no answer, just more driving and silence.
I would change this to "response from the man".

13.
quote:

“I told you already it’s either her of the entire land…” The voice said.
There should be a comma here: "...already, it's..." --- Also, the "The" should be decapitalized.

14.
quote:

“You agreed that the gods could have her as a sacrifice for the sake of the country, sudden regrets will not help you or her now.”
I really feel that this should have a period instead. "...country. Sudden..."

15.
quote:

He got angry as he continued up the mountain trying his hardest to ignore the voice.
To help confusion, it may be best to change "He" to "The man". --- Also, I believe that there should be comma here: "...mountain, trying..."

16.
quote:

Nalees now is not the time you traitorous god-ling!” He responded inches away from the top of the mountain.
I will totally rewrite this for your convenience: "'Nalees, now is not the time, you traitorous god-ling!' he responded, inches away from the top of the mountain."

17.
quote:

Nalees pauses almost completely thrown off by his words, “You’re the one who choose me as your Guardian and overseer.
This should have a comma: "...pauses, almost..."

18.
quote:

Also you signed your daughter’s life away to protect the country!”
I'd change this to "You also signed..." Either that, or "Also, you..."

19.
quote:

He ran stretching his hand as far as his human body could possibly stretch as he reached for his daughter.
There should be commas. "...ran, stretching..." and "...stretch, as..."

20.
quote:

His hand still reaching out for his daughter as he watched his daughter be engulfed by the waves below.
To keep the past tense, this should be "reached".

21.
quote:

After slamming his fist into the ridged rock over and over again until blood drip from his knuckles.
This doesn't make sense. I would put "He slammed his..."

22.
quote:

Suddenly he hears a rush of water coming at a fast pace and moves from out of the revived river bank.
This should be "Suddenly, he..."

23.
quote:

As he looked around he watched as the flowers and trees sprouted from the ground, taking over the land completely.
This word should be removed, if you get why.

24.
quote:

Nothing couldn’t compare to this beauty, expect one thing, a smile from his daughter
A misspelling, "expect" should be "except". --- Also, there should be a period to end the sentence.

25.
quote:

“The land has returned to it‘s former glory and the great waterfall has returned.
This should be only "its".

26.
quote:

I‘m sorry for your loss, but it was for the greater good.” Nalees said before leaving.
This period should be a comma, to continue the thought.

27.
quote:

His fist pointed towards the sky, “And I promise we will have out revenge…”
This should have a comma "...promise, we..." or "...promise you, we..." --- Also, "out" should be "our".

28.
quote:

Though time may change painful memories never change, they never leave no matter what you try to do.
There should be a comma here: "...change, painful..." --- Also, this would be better as a semicolon: "...change; they..." --- Also, there should be a comma: "...leave, no..."

29.
quote:

Well, I have for ever single moment and day of my pathetic life…The End.”
I believe there should be a comma here: "...have, for..."

30.
quote:

A group of kids and some other pedestrians sat and listened to his latest story.
I think it would be better to add "...pedestrians had sat and..."

31.
quote:

As the man limped himself back towards his cardboard home a young boy about of the age of seven walks up to him and stops him.
I don't think having "himself" makes sense with the verb. I'd remove it. --- Also, there should be commas or dashes here: "...boy, about the age of seven, walks..."

32.
quote:

“That was a good story you just now, it was awesome and I wanted to know what inspires you…?
I would remove "you" because right now this doesn't make sense. --- Also, the kid didn't technically ask a question, so I'd remove the question mark also.

33.
quote:

A thunderous chuckle roared from his throat.
The word "thunderous" was already used. To prevent repetitiveness, I would change it to "booming", or something like that.
--- Also, "his" may confuse the reader into thinking the boy laughed. I'd change this to "the man's".

34.
quote:

The boy froze as the story teller’s hands crashed into the boy’s shoulders.
This should be one word: "storyteller's"

35.
quote:

His face grinning wickedly, but other than that was hidden within the hood.
I'd rewrite the sentence as this, "His mouth grinned wickedly, but other than that, his face was hidden within the hood."

36.
quote:

“That was no story….
There is one period at the very end of the three dots. I believe that that should be taken out.

Critiquing Complete!!!

Not a bad story, I like it a lot. It is an interesting plot. It made me think/contemplate a bit. Very good.




Clyde -> RE: ~Live.Love.Laugh.~Comments (7/8/2008 22:31:15)

@Crimzon5: Fixed thanks.

I know I'm kind of late to post this but:
New Poem: Winds of Change




Eukara Vox -> RE: ~Live.Love.Laugh.~Comments (7/8/2008 22:45:10)

quote:

With each passing moment,
it becomes something that's be thorn through.
Is that truly the word you meant?

quote:

It's time to let go.
Time passes as the wind blows on.
A tornado's still a tornado
and I know...
I like this stansa, a lot.

Over all, Clyde, this is an interesting poem.




Clyde -> RE: ~Live.Love.Laugh.~Comments (7/8/2008 22:49:52)

Thanks Eukky. I also typoed "persist" XD




Firefly -> RE: ~Live.Love.Laugh.~Comments (7/8/2008 23:49:49)

Reading Winds of Change:

quote:

I've been(I've been),

Space before the opening bracket.

quote:

holding my breath for way to long.

I don't like "way" It seems rather... informal... and seemed to clash with the rest of the grace of the poem. Hmm, would "far" be better?
"too long" not "to long"

quote:

And I know(I know),

Again, space.

quote:

it becomes something that's be torn through.

Huh? I think "being" is the tense of this word you're looking for.

Very nice addition, Clyde. The flow for this was particularly awesome. Keep it up! *does fangirl dance* ^_^




Clyde -> RE: ~Live.Love.Laugh.~Comments (7/8/2008 23:56:41)

Thank you Firefly. ^_^ Fixed and editted.




Firefly -> RE: ~Live.Love.Laugh.~Comments (7/9/2008 0:06:41)

quote:

holding my breath for to long.

You still typoed "too" =P *gets shot for being uber-picky*

Because I still feel like reading, I'm reading Built from the Iron now.

quote:

when you get a really smell of the stench.

A really smell? I think you meant "a real smell" Either that, or you're missing a word.

That was all I could find that wasn't stepping on stylistic toes. I liked this poem a lot. Very powerful.

Btw, remember to fix a few links in the first post. The FreExpression collection is still leading to deleted messages.




Baker -> RE: ~Live.Love.Laugh.~Comments (7/9/2008 1:57:00)

I haven't read any of the poetry (requires much too much thinking at this time of night), but I wanted to point out some formatting stuffs (FF mentioned some of it above, but I'll give specifics). The links to "Poems of a New Age" (both of them) are broken, as are "The Sky's the Limit" in FreExpression. I additionally wanted to suggest that you have the poems in "Collaboration" and "Rebellion Series" linked directly post-by-post (right now it just goes to the page of the poem, forcing you to scroll through and find it). The other sections seem to already use this feature.

I might be back... eventually... if you read my story. D:<




Clyde -> RE: Clyde Writes!?!?~Comments Thread (7/11/2008 19:15:39)

Thank you Master Samak. I updated the story.

Updated and Added a Guide made by me. :p

Guide - Frequently Asked Questions of L&L




Clyde -> RE: ~Live.Love.Laugh.~Comments (7/16/2008 1:57:01)


New Poem: Bullets to Belong

When I find the link to the song that inspired this Poem I'll post it. :o But enjoy.

@B: You silly arrogant fool I already read your story! >:D




Eukara Vox -> RE: ~Live.Love.Laugh.~Comments (7/22/2008 1:08:01)

I read If You Are and loved it.
quote:

When in fear,
I'm quick to act.
If lost in doubt,
I'm at your back.


quote:

If you're not perfect,
then you must be flawless.
If you're not worth it,
then you must be priceless.
Two of the greatest stanzas ever.

I may have to steal this one for myself as it actually has some personal meaning.




Clyde -> RE: ~Live.Love.Laugh.~Comments (7/22/2008 1:37:31)

Why thank you Eukky and I enjoyed that poem as well. :P

Now I present a new one though since it has been like 4 days: Russian Roulette




demolitiondragon -> RE: ~Live.Love.Laugh.~Comments (7/25/2008 1:27:55)

With Russian Roulette:
quote:

with all the bullets now just to make it harder now.

pull the trigger now, it ain't funny now.

Is there another word you could use instead of 'now', or is that just a part of the poem that went straight over my head? (probably)
Also,
quote:

We used to be so strong,

We used to get along,

?




Clyde -> RE: ~Live.Love.Laugh.~Comments (7/25/2008 14:21:28)

Ah thanks for the typo find DD and yes "now" is part of the poem. :P




demolitiondragon -> RE: ~Live.Love.Laugh.~Comments (7/28/2008 23:55:51)

*nods with newfound understanding*
Ah... yes. I see it now.
*clears throat*
Carry on!




Clyde -> RE: ~Live.Love.Laugh.~Comments (7/29/2008 1:54:10)

*snugs DD* Heh

New Poem: How Long is Soon?

:]




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