RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> Other Creative Works Discussion



Message

.Discipline -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (9/28/2011 16:57:29)

@DD: Rare steak is only lightly heated before being served, so it still has the blood in it. Dusk's influence is slowly growing, within the first 4 years of D's life Dusk had no influence at all other than the coloration. After than he became an 'imaginary friend', at the age of 8 he first began to properly speak into D's mind and he has possessed D's body ONCE at the age of 9 to protect him from bullies, which caused D's expulsion from school.

I will comment on your story when I have the time/motivation to read it all.

@Aizen: Cheers, my evil eye was already on you.

@Helixi: I'm in the middle of writing the next part right now.



lordkaho -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (9/28/2011 22:48:35)

At first I thought the head necromancer was D himself then I thought to myself "He can't be THIS maniacally evil, can he?" because from what I remembered from your previous character description of D is that his he has with him fused the soul of a dead infant. So I assumed the necromancer was going to use the child for himself when the latter is actually D himself.

Anyway, Oros is a fun character. Hopefully he doesn't get the Obi Wan treatment.

As for grammar nazi-ing, I've got nothing. In fact your choice of words are so much better than mine that I hold no grounds to correct you.



.Discipline -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (9/29/2011 5:59:23)

Well I think you may have misunderstood. Mr D has a spirit fused with him AS an infant. Not the spirit of an infant. xD

Don't worry, Oros won't end up being the Obi Wan of this story. He may be old, he may have knowledge to impart, but his role is not as straightforward as that.

Your last comment humbles me, thank you. :D



aizenv3 -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (9/29/2011 14:28:22)

Produce more Chapters bro



.Discipline -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (9/29/2011 14:47:41)

It's in the works, trust me. I just like to make sure it's perfect before I post it.



Helixi -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (10/2/2011 17:54:43)

quote:

@Helixi: I'm in the middle of writing the next part right now.


Will I be reading the next part before you post it or are you going to leave it as a surprise? Hehe.



.Discipline -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (10/6/2011 18:56:33)

Chapter 2: Discipline is now up.
Opinions please?



Razen -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (10/6/2011 19:47:39)

Quite interesting so far. I love how much of a "failure" D is.

So far, the story is going by pretty smoothly, I don't see any "rough bumps as noticeable as Mount Everest" yet.



lordkaho -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (10/6/2011 22:49:47)

^

Not really.

Right now he's a very dangerous child prodigy. Don't bother asking Oros about it.

That and his true nature is revealing. Or maybe it is Dusk's?

Anyway, I love how you managed to incorporate the word "Discipline" into your chapter title. At first I was "Wait, that isn't his nam-...*pause*...Oh...I see what you did there."



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (10/7/2011 4:32:20)

Now you only need a chapter to start with dot/. and you're all done (with that).

I am slightly confused about certain things that come forward in the new chapter, for one D is possessed by a darkness spirit/denizen but after reading this chapter he might as well be a(n oldskool) demon.



Razen -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (10/7/2011 6:43:47)

@lordkaho: I was more or less referring to Oros's view on D's DISCIPLINE.

.Discipline, teach your character discipline, you got 5 seconds! xD



.Discipline -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (10/7/2011 8:22:26)

^^^ Actually I've got three years. ;)

Also, although the spirit possessing D might be of the darkness realm, elemental beings still have a innate connection to magical energy. Oros is trying to teach D control over that energy by showing him some basic elemental spells, it just so happens that stuff like this is instinctual to him. In the next chapter you're going to see how lessons go when it's DUSK teaching him. Hehehe. Pure darkness.



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (10/7/2011 8:37:24)

@.Discipline: Okay, you just remind me of her. (She's a half-demon.)



.Discipline -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (10/7/2011 8:52:01)

I'd say in coloration but nothing else. xD
D's skin and eyes are a physical reaction to a metaphysical creature living inside of him. His skin turns blue and his eyes turn red because of a serious form of darkness poisoning and back-bench possession.



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (10/7/2011 9:46:19)

@.Discipline: She's selfserving, sadistic and dabbles in the dark arts. Come on, she's basically Ms. D!

P.S.: lordkaho beat you to it.



.Discipline -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (10/7/2011 9:53:20)

Beat me to what?

But yeah, that's quite a coincidence. :D



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (10/7/2011 10:06:13)

@.Discipline: With commenting on my story.



.Discipline -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (10/13/2011 8:50:23)

New Poem!

Breaking the Rock

*blows off dust*
It's been a while since I've posted anything here, but I suppose it's always been quite sporadic, poetry comes when it comes.

Comments/Criticisms, anyone?



Shreder -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (10/13/2011 10:19:39)

It's quite good, and beyond a couple places where the flow seemed a bit strange to me (which I point out below) there's nothing I would suggest changing. But at risk of seeming really nit-picky, you might consider...

quote:

So now I throw cold comments down,
Then I swiftly turn my back,
The water inside turns to ice,
Which swells and writhes inside the cracks,


Perhaps taking the "I" out of the second line. It's an unnecessary redundancy and I feel the line flows smoother without it. Also, I like the alliteration of changing the "inside" in the last line to "within", but that's purely personal preference.

quote:

You try to summon one last effort,


This line bothers me a little. It just doesn't seem to fit with the rhythm of the rest of the stanza, but try though I might I can't seem to find a graceful way to change it. Unless you change the last line as well, making the stanza something like:

quote:

It's pushing out and breaking through,
And cools off your stinging retort,
You summon one last effort,
Attempt one last resort.


Make of that what you will. You've been around here longer than I have, so I'm sure you realize that what I put forth are suggestions only, to be taken or ignored at your leisure...



.Discipline -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (10/13/2011 11:52:39)

quote:

You've been around here longer than I have

This means nothing. D:

Yeah, I see what you meant about the 'I' thing. Didn't notice the unnecessary repetition there. I think I'm off my game. xD

*flexes his poetic muscles* Ah well, must trudge onward. TO THE EDIT BUTTON!



Helixi -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (10/13/2011 13:19:30)

And you say you're not talented. Pfft. [/ego boost.]

I like. :D

You should do one about your cat. :D



.Discipline -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (10/23/2011 13:02:05)

New Chapter

The Dark Artist

D is about to learn Dusk's first lesson in the dark arts. I think he likes it a bit TOO much.

Anywho, I'm going to fastforward slightly through Oros and Dusk's lessons, I've given a glimpse and I'm not writing three years of magic tutorial. xD The next chapter shall be the entrance exam for the Academy of Magic. Many new characters to be introduced there, including one you may or may not already know.



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (10/23/2011 14:03:36)

Well, the new chapter is certainly giving us an insight into D's nature. I do wonder why Dusk would know necromancy though, is he (Dusk is a he, right?) a special darkness spirit?


You've left me with surprisingly no work thus far, I'm impressed.



.Discipline -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (10/23/2011 14:09:11)

The true nature and history of Dusk will be revealed later. But sufficed to say the mages which bound him to Dalarai chose Dusk specifically for a very good reason (mostly by renown)



lordkaho -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (10/24/2011 6:42:28)

That...was rather dark. Even for killing a handful of sneevils.

quote:

as the hooting of owls and screeching of bats accented the atmosphere as the cold night grew more bitter


This feels oddly worded. I suggest a slight tweak here.

I think we can agree that D's path of darkness as an anti-hero starts here, a few necrotized beings at a time.

Though if you wouldn't mind, .Discipline, I kinda exagerrated D's powers of the dark magicks in the comic.



Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4 5   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition
0.109375