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Firefly -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (1/11/2011 18:57:14)
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Since we've got the OMGsohappytoseeyouagain stuff over on IRC, I shall get right to the poems, shall I? =P
The Space Assassin: I think you've got an interesting concept here, using the poem to portray a character. There's just a hit of event, but it all comes to together to portray this character, and it works very well. I gotta admit it's not quite among my favourite poems of yours, but it definitely is very good. Just watch out for sacrificing too much grammar for the sake of flow, 'cause it sometimes sounds a bit like Engrish. For instance:
quote:
With hardened heart,
And dark determined look upon my face,
A part of me prefer "With a hardened heart" but the current version works, for the most part. The main issue is the second line; I think it really needs some kind of article ("and a dark determined..."). I mean, I know you're doing it for flow, but it still sounds a bit childish right now. If you really don't like the extra syllable, perhaps you can try rephrasing the thing to accommodate the article, like taking out "dark" and putting "a" in its place. (I suggest just adding "a" but it's your call. Just suggestions).
Well, I think that's the only extremely obvious case, but I think there was at least one other time where a phrase flowed well but was--in terms of content--in need of some refining... but upon a reread, I can't find the specific place, so maybe I just misread and overthought the problem the first time around...
There's a few other lines I also think sound a bit too simple. I mean, it sometimes works to make the assassin sound single-minded. Other times, it comes off as more immature and not really fitting of the character. Most times, he seems like a person who knows what he's doing and does it regardless, but occasionally the characterization strays. I don't think it's entirely the lines on their own that are the problem. Just that... I think you're using too many slightly uncreative phrases. Nothing wrong with it, but I believe you can do better. For instance, "Cutting down those in the way" or "Fighting each and every day." I mean, alone, they're okay, if a bit too close to stock phrases. But paired so closely together, and it's just not as imaginative as I know you can be.
But don't get me wrong, I still love this use of poem to create character. And I absolutely love this verse, as it sums up the character's philosophy very well:
quote:
Some call me a monster,
And some call me a saint,
When cannons blast and ships go down,
I'm hearing no complaint.
Draped in Snakes: Interesting title to a very well-written and intriguing poem. I think this is the better poem of the two, but that's just my opinion. It flows very well, and the extended metaphor of the snakes is very engaging. You really made me /see/ a person being draped in snakes (metaphorically, of course), and to imagine what lies are being hissed. Very powerful imagery.
And now for some nitpicky comments (because the better something is, the more I pick at it). And of course, take my comments with a grain of salt, as they are subjective.
quote:
Your lies are hissing in my ears,
I'd make that a singular "ear." I know you have two ears, but it's a common enough expression to use one ear to mean the two. Plus, since you use "fear" (and not "fears") in the next line, "ear" the singular makes a better, more flowing rhyme.
quote:
I taste deceit, you smell my fear.
Ahem, comma splice. It's not as big a deal in poetry as it is in prose, but it doesn't hurt to change that comma to a semi-colon, right? =P
quote:
So as you stab me in the back I hear the venom spit,
I'm torn between telling to you add a comma after "back" and telling you not to. While the comma's grammatically correct, the comma-in-the-middle-of-the-line thing is getting a bit repetitive by this line, so I'm also kinda glad you broke that structure. It's up to you what you want to do.
quote:
The snakes hold tight around my neck and slowly they constrict.
This line is slightly drawn out and not as powerful and compact as it could be. I think it's "hold tight" that's bothering me. Maybe switch these two weak words for one strong one, such as "entwine."
quote:
I only wish I would have known,
I think "could" is stronger and more fitting than "would" in this case, but it's your call.
quote:
I would have struck with cobra fangs,
And eaten out your eyes.
Love these lines, as they extend the metaphor and show that the narrator is, in his/her own way, also a snake.
quote:
Your scales shed, you bare your teeth and viciously attack,
The beginning of this line doesn't really flow to me. I think it's the slightly tongue-twisting alliteration of "scales shed" plus the double-stress that breaks up the metre or something. I dunno. I usually would never recommend adding superficial words, but for some reason, I think "Your scales are/have shed" is actually better here for flow reasons. I dunno, I could be completely off the mark and wonder what the heck I was thinking tomorrow...
quote:
My pain is caused by your betrayal, now I am draped in snakes.
Love how this line reflects the title, which further strengthens the interdependency of the poem. It's truly greater than the sum of its parts. Now, I gotta say though... I think "My pain is caused by your betrayal" is a bit stating the obvious at this point. There's nothing wrong with the line in the middle of the poem, but for an ending, I think it can be better. As in, the second part of the line ("and now I am...") is so strong that I think you need a stronger first part to match it. But that's just my opinion, and since I have no good suggestions, it's very much--as always--your call.
It's been a pleasure to read your poems again. Both were very interesting and creative. I hope there's something in the critique that's at least a tiny bit helpful. Write on!
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