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demolitiondragon -> RE: DenDen's discussion den (4/10/2011 6:11:39)
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Poor thread looks lonely.
Everything here is suggestion only; take what you want and ignore the rest. ^^
Beautiful Storm
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They huddle in their homes like they’ve anything to fear.
I think 'something' would work better than 'anything', unless you're saying that they have absolutely nothing in their lives that's worth being scared about.
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Wildfires started over each petty spark,
Engulfing all the baggage that I kept in my cart;
Nicely put.
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I didn’t see a future 'cause I barely saw today;
I guess all the charred bridges kinda got in my way.
Again, nicely put.
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Hide ‘n seek, could hardly speak
Technically needs another ' after the n, since it's replacing the d in 'and'. Considering the whole line, it probably needs a ; instead of a comma, too.
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She heard me out though I had no clout
And knew just what the hell I was on about.
Well said. XD
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I could wear away a mountain without anything to prove,
How about 'with nothing to prove'? Unless I'm missing the rhythm... Poetry really isn't my strong point. <_<; Also, probably needs a . instead of a comma.
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The future isn’t certain but your present is a start.
'Present' or 'prescence'? (Just to make sure it's not a typo.)
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Put your hand to my chest and led me to my heart.
Certainly a way with words.
Right and Wrong
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But when you wrap your arms around me
Think 'And' would work better than 'But' although I'm nto so sure in what context that line is in, compared to the previous ones.
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But when I look in your eyes like Heaven’s skies,
The way this is written, the person is looking like Heaven's skies at her eyes, which doesn't make sense. It's easy enough to figure out what you mean, but I'd suggest playing with it a bit.
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I can’t just make this end.
A little emphasis on 'end' wouldn't go astray, methinks. Maybe chuck some italics on it?
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‘Cause love, you’re everywhere.
If 'love' is what he's calling her, it probably should have a capital L. If he's not, my bad.
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I wish you the best, oh love I really do
Again, same thing. Should have a comma at the end of that line, too.
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For the kids you’ll have someday
That he’s the man you think he is
Unless it messes up the rhythm, I'd suggest 'And that' instead of just 'That'.
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Go find it, love, like the fountain of youth
Again with 'Love' if that's the way it's meant.
Human Nature
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“This is reality, give in to your limits,”
Probably a ; after reality.
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But everyone says this will get you so far.
Perhaps italics on the 'so'? I can't really tell if that's sarcastic or not. =\
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At the top of the heap, astride fingers and toes,
Ouch. Some sharp imagery in those lines.
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Of their sad little hill all night long in their dreams,
Probably need a . there to break things up. All that was a very long sentence already.
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It’s cooler, less heat, and it moves more brisk
Type A personalities run you into the ground.
Probably needs a . after 'brisk' because as it stands, the sentence doesn't make sense.
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‘Cause to be Frank, screw that, I won’t fall so soon.
Unless you're referring to a person by the name of Frank, it doesn't need a capital.
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That we’re animals in cages, to excuse their rages,
And explain away behaviors we’ve defied for ages.
Interestingly put.
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If we can pack a pack animal into a colony,
Nice play on words. Very well put!
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Then blaming Mother Nature holds no water, see
Would work better with a ? at the end, methinks. Leave the last two lines for another sentence to give them more emphasis.
All of your poems show a great deal of thought in the matter that's discussed, and it seems to come straight from the heart. While that makes for a strong message, it seems to come at the cost of rhythm and occasionally flow. That's not so important if that's part of your style (and I'm suspecting it is) and I don't claim to be any good with poetry, so *shrugs* They're still good reads.
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