|
G.I.G.A. -> RE: (DF) Akhria Discussion & Advice Thread (10/1/2011 4:56:13)
|
Hello there! Just thought I'd spend an obscene amount of time constructing a ctritique for you. Now, I didn't get to the second chapter, but, whatever. I think this is a pretty accurate criticism as it is. Enjoy!
First, I'll start with some grammar and spelling/punctuation mistakes:
quote:
A local gang decided to take Nyra's son, Dhrakar, in hope for a promising negotiation,.
Fix that comma-period at the end to a period.
quote:
Dhrakar is now thirteen, he has been training ever since he could fit into his armor.
It's not necessarily a good idea to switch verb tense in the middle of a story, unless it's a part of a dialogue. To have more consistency, try rephrasing this using past tense. For example: "Dhrakar was now thirteen; he had been training..." and so on.
quote:
strike after strike the blows never got passed arm's distance.
Change "passed" to "past."
Next, some general style and flow stuff:
quote:
Kain searched for the thieves' camp on his dragon, Archius. Then he arrived...
Here, it never mentions Kain actually finding the camp. In writing situations like this, it always helps to show one concise series of events , making sure not to leave out any steps, as this might confuse the reader a bit.
quote:
The thief paused, looked at his chest with a blade pierced inside...
Here, it seems very weird to use the word "inside" when talking about piercing people. You also seem to mess up with your verb tense slightly, when you say "looked." I believe it should be "looking," but rather than simply give you a few words to change, I'll give you an example of how I would change the sentence: "The thief paused, looking at his chest, and the blade that now pierced it..." Now of course, I strongly suggest that you do not use this example word for word, but rather try to find your own solution, using mine only as a guide.
quote:
Suddenly, the sky turned blood red, followed by screams of the townspeople.
Now, I've seen this problem a few times before. It seems as if you're transitioning too quickly. One sentence, Dhrakar was complaining, and now the focus has switched completely away from him and to the red sky. My suggestion would be to split this transition into several sentences, or simply include Dhrakar in it, so that the focus isn't shifted so abruptly. For example: "As Dhrakar brooded, the sound of thunder made him look up to see..." And so on. Again, please do not use this example word for word, but rather as a guide for your own solutions. Also, in the future, beware of starting your sentences with "Suddenly." You should try to reserve that transition for things that are truly instantaneous, and even then, the focus shouldn't shift so abruptly.
And, since I always like to end my reviews on a high note, I'll tell you a few things I really enjoyed about your story.
First of all, you actually used a good amount of description in your writing. I can't tell you how many stories I've read on here that ended up sounding very simplistic and plain because they didn't use any sort of description. So, in that regard, good job for standing out from the mass.
I also liked the emotions your characters displayed. Having characters with distinct and strong emotions is a good way to make your story memorable.
All in all, your story is looking pretty good so far. The problems were all relatively minor, and should be able to be fixed if you put your mind to it.
Now, before I end this, let me give you some general advice I give to almost every writer I criticize. Before posting the next chapter to your story, read it to yourself out loud. You'll be surprised with how many mistakes and errors you might notice.
|
|
|
|
