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Argeus the Paladin -> RE: (DF) Varen-Everyone has a dark side (10/25/2011 11:00:50)
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First thing first: Formatting. Double spacing after paragraph break is more or less the industrial practice. I've said this multiple times to different people - it helps makes your story more readable, more professional-looking and that much-needed sense of neatness.
A general comment is that the general quality of your writing is quite acceptable. You have a developing flair for describing objects and people - make sure to nurture it well. As it stands, your writing still lacks refinement. The prose is too purple in some place yet too beige in others, you have a tendency to repeat words or phrases as well as expositing more than you need to, and most of all, the characters' dialogues don't have a natural feel to them, instead reading like a game's script.
Since you've written a lot, I doubt this one comment could cover them all. If you need further help on any specific part, feel free to give me a call. I'd do what I can to help you with it.
Oh, and finally, as a closing comment:
quote:
Some of his rich friends hired kids who wanted to be knights to help put on their armour. They said it was to help them learn how to equip themselves. What they actually meant was ‘you’re cheap labour and I can’t be bothered putting my armour on! Help me!’
First off, there is a word for a "kid who wanted to be knights" - a page. Secondly, historically, knights pretty much required people to help them put their armor on, not because they are haughty and lazy, but because a suit of Swadian full plate armor is heavy, multi-segmented and takes forever to put on properly. Research is your friend [:)]
Good luck, and battle on!
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