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stromy -> RE: (Pre-DF) Past Present Discussion (3/19/2012 13:27:13)
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Alright... I am back from... Uh, being gone! So let's give this one a go from the beginning.
In the Prologue:
quote:
The citizens were eager to await their leader's decision on a very important matter.
You should say 'eagerly awaiting' instead. Tense agreement ftw! (Eager to await implies they aren't currently awaiting their leader's decision, but will be doing so in the future; whereas, eagerly awaiting implies they are waiting for it currently)
quote:
Valdur wandered through the halls of his spacious castle, having intended to make his way to the meeting room to discuss the war.
Perhaps it is me nitpicking, but I don't think you when you say 'having intended' you're making it into the present perfect tense--which is again a change of tense (and also implying that something eventful that would change his plans is about to happen). Rather, I think you should just replace it by "Valdur wandered through the halls of his spacious castle, making his way to the...".
quote:
He had already been put in charge of the DragonLords, which was a large enough responsibility.
The phrase after the comma doesn't form a complete clause as you have it written (thus the comma would be in error). Instead, you could reword the clause, or just include the information before the comma and remove it entirely. You could then form a compound sentence including the next one. Ie, "His being put in charge of the DragonLords was a large enough responsibility in itself, and now the King wished for him to simply erase an entire country with no qualms or remorse as well."
quote:
After several moments (for it was a large room) Valdur made his way to the central pillar to be heard by his brothers and sisters.
You could instead use commas to separate out the parenthesized information as it is considered a non-essential clause.
quote:
Thinking this over, Valdur observed it was out of character for the King.
Rather than just saying 'it' you could describe what actions were out of character--just for clarity.
quote:
As Valdur pondered this the situation grew stranger and stranger.
Should be a comma after pondered.
quote:
However he'd noticed the other DragonLords staring at him.
As with after however.
quote:
His council of course, expected answers to the problem at hand, not speculation as to the motives behind their authority.
I believe it should be written, "His council, of course, expected answers to the problem at hand, not speculation as to the motives behind the authority.
The 'of course' has commas because it is non-essential, and the comma after hand is there to separate the two complete clauses.
quote:
The future he saw, with SlugWrath and DragonLords was a dreary one indeed.
There shouldn't be a comma after 'saw'.
quote:
Zogg replied in turn "Now, we may have been allies...
There should be either a comma or a period before the dialogue.
quote:
He was a fairly old man, specializing in magic but was very wise.
Should be a comma after 'magic', as it is part of a non-essential phrase.
quote:
It would seem whatever secrets Deidelus knew of It, he had taken with him to his grave.
Probably should just replace 'It' with talk of the fire itself, as you are directly referring to it anyway. I only suggest this because it would ease readability.
quote:
One of the Knights turned to the other
Should be a comma after 'other' as dialogue comes next.
quote:
As the other knight began to answer they heard a muffled sound coming from the back room which was the last one to check.
Should be a comma after 'answer' as it is part of the introduction to the sentence. Also, you could probably reword the remaining portion to something like, "they heard a muffled sound coming from the last room." I suggest this to reduce wordiness.
Thus ends my reading of the prologue. Besides the grammar I mentioned, the content seemed good. I'll keep reading, and, if you'd like, I can also keep editing for grammar. The latter is your choice.
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