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Starstruck -> RE: (Pre-DF) Past Present Discussion (3/20/2012 17:48:14)
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Proofreader powers - away!
First two headings already have me concerned. You need to have spaces after colons: like this, not:like this. Unless you're trying to prove a point, I guess, but it makes me...itchy...
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After several moments ,for it was a large room
This should be immediately apparent.
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We have fought bravely for his majesty the king for many years, some of us, our entire lives.
His Majesty the King (stylistic), no comma after "us". Minor errors, both of them, so they should be corrected easily.
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The first one to speak out, was Zogg, and his voice carried malice in it.
There's no comma after "out", unless your emphasis is all on "the first one to speak out" and not "Zogg".
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At the same time, this left Valdur distant; receding into his own thoughts...Many of our number have been lost; we are dwindling by the day.
This semicolon treats the last phrase as a complete clause, which is incorrect. Either change it to a comma or add a subject to the next clause. This is a fairly easy and common mistake so I included a correct example from later in the text for comparison.
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However Valdur noticed an advantage, the other High DragonLords had yet to decide, he could still sway them to his cause. However the room was tense, and he would need to choose his words carefully. Double comma splice all the way across the skyyyy~ there should be a comma after However, as it is an adverb phrase. I would eliminate the second However to decrease repetition. Suggested fix is "However, Valdur noticed an advantage; the other High DragonLords had yet to decide, so he could still sway them to his cause. Unfortunately, the room was tense, so he would..."
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We are a proud people, I would simply like the rest of the world to gain such freedoms as our country..." Your scene is getting more and more tense. Don't drag out that sentence; split it in two.quote:
for many years my brother,
Comma after "Years" is best to improve the flow of the sentence.
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I think it is only fitting that we gain a new leader, as such I challenge you for leadership!" End the sentence after "leader" Then, add a comma after "As such". This makes the second sentence less about how Zogg wants a new leader and more about how he challenges Valdur for leadership.
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As he spoke Zogg rose to meet Valdur quote:
You've grown soft Valdur. quote:
Perhaps he was right even. An optional fix would be to add a comma after "spoke", "soft", and "right".
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the war without casualties, would you allow me to speak neighbor. I personally am proficient in neighbor. Feel free to ask me something in neighbor :P I would suggest ending the sentence at "casualties" and making the last part more forceful and independent. Also maybe adding a question mark. That seems important.
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same odd hair color:white. However, they did not look related which made the anomaly even more baffling. Zairo remembered his father also having White hair. But this was the first person besides him he'd seen with it. That colon again, and a random capitalization. Just bringing them to your attention in case you want to fix them.
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One of the Elves had spotted far out in the Ocean, a Kraken. Move "a Kraken" to just after "spotted", please.
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"This can bring no good" he stated Commas come after speech unless they end the sentence. Ex. "Look out for that squid statue," said Billy. "It can bring no good." He kicked it into the water.
Non-Grammatical analysis (and notes)!
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be sent to a keep far to the North known as Riverine Keep Oh noooooo! ;_; I just know what's going to happen next.
Seems like a really gripping story so far. It seems like the kind of story that people speculate upon what's going to happen next; something with lots of great twists in it. We know the beginning now, and the end, but this is a story about the middle, which is fantastic.
EDIT: I don't really know if these were already found :/ I just know that I found them, so they probably weren't.
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