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araxia -> RE: Oblitus Animus - Forgotten Souls (2/6/2013 20:56:00)
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Very nice story! I have a few errors to point out though.
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They all shivered, feeling the heat being leeched from their bodies ever second as they struggled with their armor and armaments.
They all shivered, feeling the heat being leeched from their bodies every second as they struggled with their armor and armaments.
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Like his undead, he didn’t seem to notice.
Notice what? That his cape's flapping in the wind? The undead don't wear capes. I propose: Like his undead, he didn’t seem to notice the chilling rain.
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Usually I would not head into battle myself; my followers have collected my meals for me.
Usually I would not head into battle myself; my followers collect my meals for me.
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Nulgath ignored the fearful hostility, gently scraping and nomming until he was satisfied that here wasn’t anything edible left.
Nulgath ignored the fearful hostility, gently scraping and nomming until he was satisfied that there wasn’t anything edible left.
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With deathly finality, he raised his arm, and it caught with blue fire. With some ominous cracking noises, several Legion Titans rose from the ground to flank him.
Technically, this isn't any sort of error. But I think it's sort of repetitious with the two "with"s. I propose this:
With deathly finality, the figure raised his arm, and his hand caught with blue fire. Ominous creaking noises pierced the air as several Legion Titans rose from the ground to flank him.
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The rain was unrelenting. He squinted as the water clouded his vision, and continued running as the army around him charged forward. He knew battle was about to commence, and he was wishing he had never been here.
The rain was unrelenting. He squinted as the water clouded his vision, and continued running as the army around him charged forward. He knew battle was about to commence, and he wished he didn't have to be here.
That's jumping between two tenses. Acceptable in some situations, but not as much in this wording. Speaking of which, perhaps you should change the wording a bit too. At first, I thought you were describing Dage, who isn't bothered by the rain and feels a certain satisfaction at war. Then I realized you were describing the Oversoul.
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Their main objective was to lure the Archfiend to the gate; their secondary one was to stay alive. It did not include attacking the archfiend.
Yes it did. I remember Dage saying:
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"I command you all to attack Nulgath directly, and lure him closer to the Oblivion Gate."
Sorry for shooting down your story so much and for having such a long post >:D
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