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Master Samak -> RE: [Requesting Critique]A Chance at Love: A Snugglefest Story (2/17/2013 23:58:18)
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Hi, Drakonnax!
First off, so you know, the rules of The Work Table here in Legends and Lore are found in [FAQ] Rules for The Work Table. I say this simply because one of the instructions there tells you to post your story in The Archive (in your case, probably in the AdventureQuest/Warpforce area of it) and then post a link to it here.
You'd then request people to click the link and then respond with critique/advice. Among other reasons, it helps keep the story unbroken by everyone else's comments on it. If you need help actually doing this moving process, just let me know.
Anyway, I'll give a few thoughts on your story so far. :)
1. I want to say right away that well done to you for your grasp of grammar. Your story contains a lot of dialogue and you do seem to know how and where to structure quotations with commas and the like. Good on you.
2.quote:
"Wha- well, I-I..." stammered Sheila, a touch of red rising from her blue cheeks. The hyphen at the end of "Wha" should be a dash (—). When indicating a break or hesitation in thought like this sentence is doing, dashes are the way to go. It is a common thing to use a hyphen (-) or two hyphens (--) to replicate a dash, but such a practice is technically incorrect.
3. You have a good grasp on commas, but sometimes there are sentences here when commas are used for dramatic emphasis, which is sometimes unnecessary and even incorrect. For instance, quote:
He threw his weapon to the ground behind him, and focused. and quote:
The clouds were drifting away, and the stars were beginning to emerge. Remember that commas are used to separate two individual ideas. These have two ideas that are similar, not individual, to each other: (1)a guy throwing his weapon and focusing and (2) clouds drifting while stars emerge. To have commas here make the sentences choppy and ruins the flow instead of heightening it. Does this make sense? Please let me know otherwise.
And your story is nicely written too. There are areas where details and the way sentences are written mirrors the actions players would make and see in Adventure Quest. I would caution you on using adverbs ending in -ly too often and close to one another. They have their place, but it is easy to have them become too overbearing in dramatic scenes when... someone suddenly attacks you but you fortunately rapidly move out of the way and quickly cast a hastily spoken spell that strangely instantly explodes in your face. See what I mean?
Also, as a style choice, you may want to put another paragraph/enter/return space between each line of dialogue and narration transition. This would keep the story from looking like one big block of text and could be easier to read, but the choice is yours to experiment with.
But yes, it is a very promising story. I personally was surprised at the end of Chapter 2 regarding Drakonnax's discovery. And, most important of all, it had that element of love and snuggles that is appropriate for this time of year. :)
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