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RE: MM's Fooetry ~ Comments Thread. Two new poems up. Go read!

 
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10/28/2008 18:39:09   
Mistermafio
Member

heh, the love poem was losh's idea. I just interpreted his rules as best as possible. If I'm not mistaken I follow them all, at least in a sense.

I'm glad you enjoyed all alone too, to be honest, the repetition kinda snuck in there. I didn't even realise it til the third stanza :^P

^>^
Thank you very much for the great comment lady shade. I appreciate it a lot.

Now, for all of you dedicated fans... Yes, you mom. I made a surprise...
Sigs!
Just copy the code below to get a nice linked image. (linking to the specific poem of course!) Everyone that's willing to use them, feel free to use them.

She
[url=http://forums2.battleon.com/f/fb.asp?m=14064532][image]http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o159/mistermafio/She.jpg[/image][/url]


Road to infinity
[url=http://forums2.battleon.com/f/fb.asp?m=14064261][image]http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o159/mistermafio/Roadtoinfinity.jpg[/image][/url]


Tick Tick
[url=http://forums2.battleon.com/f/fb.asp?m=14938523][image]http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o159/mistermafio/Untitled-2.jpg[/image][/url]


< Message edited by mistermafio -- 10/28/2008 18:43:44 >
AQ  Post #: 126
11/2/2008 11:18:05   
Mistermafio
Member

new poems up!
Link'll be here in a sec

Friends: Supporting One Another

Friend Love: From Heaven Above

< Message edited by mistermafio -- 11/2/2008 12:11:45 >
AQ  Post #: 127
11/3/2008 0:18:31   
PoeticSpanner
Member

for those who are new here, titles in both pink and green denote a collab between MisterMafio and myself :) Like the titles/links above my reply :)

We hope you enjoy reading them as much as we enjoyed writing them.

great poems/sigs, MM :)

I think you know my view on your work anyway...(after what, 5 or 6 collabs, should be obvious?)

/me giggles

Ana

Edit: forgot the CC&C:

As per your request, I'm going to let you find/fix :P

The randomness of a dream has a mistake.....

living happily
our worlds fused together as
vague stars look
eying us and all we do


Friend Love: From Heaven Above has 2 mistakes...

Stars glinstering peacefully
up there in the sky.
Smiling down upon the earth,
not too vague and not too bright.


&&

Forgetting about the injustice
that befell us in the past.
Focussing on creating happy memories,
memories that last.


......Good luck :)



< Message edited by Ana_Maria -- 11/3/2008 0:42:01 >
Post #: 128
11/9/2008 10:58:39   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi!

I'm currently a bit behind reading your poetry, which disturbs me to some extent. Anyways, in attempt to correct the issue, here are comments for two pieces I just read:

Messy Room

Kinda got me guilty of not vacuuming lately... Nah, just kidding! I like the flow and the described futile fight in keeping it clean (metaphor)

Only things bothering me were this:

quote:

Messy room,
messier then I've ever seen.

(I spy with my eye... your signature typo. 'than' =P)

and the last line, which I found a bit too long. Have you considered about removing the first two words -- 'could you' -- to lower the word count?

My brother

Very psychopathic. Nice! I especially loved the last two lines.

Although, you are not providing any clues to the readers on what pushed the narrator over the edge? How does he/she justify the act? Why did the fun years deserve this ending? Even the vaguest of clues would be appreciated; it doesn't even have to sound justifiable to the readers.

I spotted one tipo:
quote:

would you rather die with and axe through your chest

'an'?

It's always fun to visit your poetry thread!
DF  Post #: 129
11/11/2008 16:44:55   
Mistermafio
Member

I'm so terribly sorry for not replying to your comments yet, Fabula and Ana,.
I've been very busy and am currently exhausted. But I promise I'll comment as soon as I find the time, which hopefully be this week.

Til then, please accept this new poem as a peaceoffering: Secrets gloom

I hope you enjoy reading it.
AQ  Post #: 130
11/14/2008 16:16:05   
Mistermafio
Member

I'm terribly sorry, I've been too busy to reply once again, hopefully I'll have the time sometime during this weekend. Til then:

Time
AQ  Post #: 131
11/17/2008 13:42:49   
Mistermafio
Member

Five new poems... Still no time to reply to those comments. >.<

Everything must break
I screwed up
Paper
Don't you understand?
Remember me

Enjoy
AQ  Post #: 132
11/17/2008 18:35:07   
Firefly
Lore-ian


I read "I screwed up" I like the emotion behind it and the flow was as good as ever. My only objection is that, in the second stanza, it makes little sense. What do you want to show?

Otherwise, loved, especially the ending. ;)
AQ  Post #: 133
11/29/2008 8:08:55   
Mistermafio
Member

Thank you FF, I kinda like I screwed up myself too.

What I want to show in the second stanza is quite simply just /how/ sorry I am. Though you are right, that could use a rewrite.

Three new poems up;

The destiny of man
Post apoctoliptia
Time passes slowly
AQ  Post #: 134
11/30/2008 14:05:38   
Mistermafio
Member

Update!

Many thanks to Ana_Maria for this beautiful new banner ^>^
I love it, and I hope you will too.



Comments on my poems are much appreciated still :^P
AQ  Post #: 135
12/1/2008 17:59:46   
Mistermafio
Member

Monster update *dun dun duuun*

Have fun, the first one to read all of them and comment gets a cookie. (people that saw the previews can't compete... (though I'd love a comment still :^P))

Hidden in an abyss

Wouldn't it be beautiful

Red door

Questioning the question

Unique

True beauty

Running late

Can't stand myself

Banging my head against the wall

Our time

Stalk me

< Message edited by mistermafio -- 12/1/2008 18:02:33 >
AQ  Post #: 136
12/1/2008 18:22:12   
Firefly
Lore-ian


No cookie for me? Aww. Ah well. S'alright. I'll leave a comment anyways.

As I told you on IRC, they're all really good, especially considering how quickly they were written. My favourites were Hidden in an Abyss (for the flow and great opener), Wouldn't It Be Beautiful (for the very real and powerful concept/theme), Red Door (for the language and flow), Unique (because it's real, powerful, and ironic) and Stalk Me (powerful endings FTW!). Keep writing, MM! ^_^ And good luck with that... "other" poem. =P

Btw, great banner. Ana_Maria really did a good job. Powerful colour scheme.
AQ  Post #: 137
12/2/2008 5:31:24   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi!

I read your set and shall now try to work my way to the cookie by commenting. =P
I dunno yet, if I have comments for all of them, though. So I'll try to be more detailed about the ones I do have comments.

Hidden in an abyss
I liked this one, the sense of desparation is tangible throughout the lines. There seems to be one sentence that's somewhat out of line, though, at least in my opinion. It's middle one of these three.
quote:

I wish someone would find me
I'm getting bored of this abyss,
I need someone to hold.

Why I think it's odd is because you have the description of feeling cold and alone in the enormous space in the previous lines and this one sentence insinuates that, in fact, the person wants out because he/she is bored. Not because of being lost and lonely that the other lines indicate for me.

Here's two suggestiond, the first one has a more radical change, probably destroying the flow, so feel free to hate it.... =P The other one has the starting with 'I'm' conserved.
Eg.:
"I wish someone would find me/Come and rip me from this abyss/I need someone to hold"
"I wish someone would find me/I'm losing my tracks in this abyss/I need someone to hold"

Wouldn't it be beautiful
Although the hypothetical question you present is by no means new, you still manage to do it in way that it spiked me up to think about this question again.
I'd probably suspect the answer to that question would be yes in one way or another; here's my line of thought:

Or would the superficial ugliness
be divided into degrees?
And the world shall forever continue
to live by these rotten rules?

Btw, is the last line missing a questionmark?

Questioning the question
This one I liked because its simplicity. It keeps the focus on the theme, on the question that is not asked.

True beauty

You have an unfortunate typo on the second line: I'm pretty sure that 'angle' should be 'angel'.

Otherwise, it's a fun poem, sorta makes my brain twist (in a good way =P) because everytime I think I guessed where it was going, it went a completely different way. However, I felt like the lines:
quote:

what is most definitely,
true beauty.

created a minor halt to the flow.

Unfortunately, I can't think of any suggestions that would flow better right now, I mean:
'what is only defined
as true beauty.'
does not do much of a better job, does it?

Our time
This is a nice piece. I especially enjoyed the start, like these two lines:
quote:

And compared to the universe that surrounds us,
we do not live at all.


One additional comment about the 'working for a boss'-line. This isn't neccessarily boring at all, especially if the work is motivating and the boss isn't a complete *fill a descriptive word here*
So, if you want to create a more negative image about a person who's trapped into an unpleasant post, you could change the verb from 'working' to 'slaving', 'sweating' or something of the like. Just my opinionated suggestion =P

Stalk me
Last but not least, my favourite of this bunch!

Beautifully flowing lines. And the mood is captivating. What more can I say?
...
except "purrrrrrrr" =P
DF  Post #: 138
12/14/2008 13:46:23   
Mistermafio
Member

New collab between me and ana. You know how it goes :^P
AQ  Post #: 139
12/16/2008 17:08:59   
Mistermafio
Member

New poem up
PUPPETS
AQ  Post #: 140
12/17/2008 12:33:13   
Mistermafio
Member

The daredevil
AQ  Post #: 141
12/25/2008 19:39:28   
Mistermafio
Member

Merry Christmas L&L

and have a happy New Year
AQ  Post #: 142
12/25/2008 20:35:38   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Wonderfully bittersweet, MM. This left me with both a smile and an ache. Merry Christmas to you too.
AQ  Post #: 143
12/26/2008 8:44:30   
Mistermafio
Member

I'm glad you like if FF, let us hope next year will indeed be a good one. ^>^
AQ  Post #: 144
1/2/2009 14:51:33   
Mistermafio
Member

New poem up

Running
AQ  Post #: 145
1/2/2009 15:14:20   
Firefly
Lore-ian


I absolutely love it, MM. I can really relate to the emotions and you played with rhyme and meter really well. I really don't have much to say except I think this is one of my favourites from you of the recent ones.
AQ  Post #: 146
1/2/2009 15:38:34   
Mistermafio
Member

Awww,

I'm very glad you liked it ^>^
thank you for the wonderful comment
AQ  Post #: 147
1/2/2009 16:44:18   
Xirminator
Member

I've read Running. While I'm not an expert on poetry (or anything else on poetry for that matter) I must say I like it.
AQ DF  Post #: 148
1/3/2009 19:02:31   
Mistermafio
Member

I'm glad you liked Running Xir, it means a lot to me. ^>^

Oh, and new poem up: Good Night
AQ  Post #: 149
1/4/2009 16:23:12   
Mistermafio
Member

New collab up between Ana_Maria and me:

Poetic exercise
AQ  Post #: 150
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