Home  | Login  | Register  | Help  | Play 

Dragonfly Court - Stories - Comments -

 
Logged in as: Guest
  Printable Version
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> Other Creative Works Discussion >> Dragonfly Court - Stories - Comments -
Page 1 of 212>
Forum Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
6/25/2008 22:25:17   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Welcome to my court where stories abound and imagination collide with reality.

Short Stories
Poetic Justice
Genre: Magical Realism
Welcome to a world where Clyde's poetry is more than meet the mind.

The Last Melody
Genre: Fantasy
Two is the loneliest number.

Hope From Hate
Genre: Fantasy
Takes place in R'Modeth, my Fantasy world. Story of a dragon trainer and a dragon guardian who are called to defeat the bad to rescue the good.

Dragon and Rider: Dracology report reviewe
Genre: Fantasy
The story that started the whole Talvan and Chrysa saga for the Zardian. Cowrote by Sentharn.





Novels

The Perfect Life: Book 1
Genre: Fantasy
Dionysus' Challenge
What would happen if Hades was dared to give a human the perfect life?





< Message edited by Eukara Vox -- 1/7/2012 12:09:23 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 1
6/26/2008 16:45:20   
Clyde
Legendary Artist!


more than meets* the eye.

All I can say is that I love it so far Eukky and if you have any questions come straight to me. I'm suprised you caught a jist of my personality through all the convo's we had. XD

Keep up the good work. more or less keep of the poetic justice!
Post #: 2
6/26/2008 16:47:45   
~Shade~
Member

All I can say is it is excellent. Eukara has yet again managed to astound us all with a great piece, like she does time after time with poetry and stories.

Beautiful, just beautiful.

Hail Eukara!

~Shade~
Post #: 3
6/29/2008 15:05:27   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Alrighty, added Hope From Hate and made a few changes, took out AE references since the story really was supposed to happen in my Fantasy world, R'Modeth.

Enjoy.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 4
7/1/2008 17:21:22   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Part 2 of Poetic Justice is posted.


Yay!
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 5
7/1/2008 17:46:36   
mastin2
Member

'Yay!' Indeed! :)

quote:

dirty concrete steps; carefully keeping clear of the mob
I'd make that semicolon a comma.

quote:

realized that he sill didn’t know her name
'sill' should be 'still'.

quote:

Stupid! Weren’t you supposed to do that yesterday! He chided himself, picking up the
Though likely intentional, I'd make the second exclamation a question mark. Also, I believe that 'He chided himself...' is part of the same sentence, in which case the 'h' in 'he' should be lower case. But I could be mistaken...

quote:

because deep down inside he needed to know if his
I'd put a comma after 'inside'.

quote:

Clyde watched the cloak, not because he was eager to go home
cloak=clock?

Finished reading! Amazing, again, but you should watch those typos.

-Mastin

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 7/1/2008 18:03:08 >
Post #: 6
7/1/2008 18:27:30   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


I know I fixed some of those...

Maybe I fixed on Word and not here. Darn it.

Thanks Mastin!


AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 7
7/3/2008 22:41:36   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Thank you Firefly. I already have a couple of things I probably won't use and I will explain why later as this is my last post until my next opportunity to get online while on vacation. I will be able to and will definitely make most of your corrections.

Though, the dialogue you thought was weird...That is how I would have personally said it. Some of the dialogue problems I see people point out for me are due to my own speaking patterns. I won't be changing it except for the italics.

Thanks a million, my friend!
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 8
7/3/2008 23:00:50   
Firefly
Lore-ian


*hugs*

You're very welcome, Eukara. That's what I'm here for. To help you out. Sure, I joke that I like butchering people, but it's really to help.

Yeah, I know about dialogue. I write like I talk as well. People sometimes tell me to correct as well.

Hmm, I guess it's a good thing I didn't pick /too/ much at the technical wording in dialogue and more at the transition.

Hope you return to us soon! Oh, and hope you write more soon. I wish to go over the other scenes again as well, of course. Hey, I don't like dolling up people, but I do like dolling up authors so they can go kick butt in contests! Good luck in your writing (and everything, lol), Eukara!
AQ  Post #: 9
7/9/2008 19:06:50   
mastin2
Member

Thought I'd drop an opinion by on Poetic Justice. Been meaning to do it for some time, actually.

spoiler:

For some reason, I just get the feeling that the girl isn't really...well, a girl. So, somewhere in the future, I would not be surprised to see a comment like this:

NOTE: When referring to the girl, I'll just call her...'M', because we don't know her name yet. And may never.

*Insert bit about Clyde going to school and waiting to see the girl again. When it comes to science class and he enters*

The seat where she had sat, however, was empty.

Clyde was puzzled at this little fact and decided to ask *insert person here*.

"Where is the girl that sat there?" he questions as he points to the desk that the girl, M, had sat at for so long.

"What?" *Insert* asks in turn, somewhat puzzled at the question.

"You know, *Optional M,* the girl that sat right there? *Optional extra details here*"

"Clyde, I don't know what/who you're talking about."

"What do you mean?"

"Clyde...that seat has been empty all year."

Or something like that. Just a thought that I had about the story. It just kinda felt like that'd end.

-M
Post #: 10
7/15/2008 2:35:55   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!




@Mastin: Interesting. Well, another installment of Poetic Justice will be done by the end of the week. I guess you will have to wait and see.



< Message edited by Eukara -- 7/17/2008 14:36:19 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 11
7/16/2008 1:58:35   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Thanks Sith, I corrected that. I am glad you are enjoying the rewrite.

Alrighty, I posted a story.

Want to know how a Paladin's heart breaks? Read Pallor of Life.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 12
7/17/2008 11:13:21   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Oh my goodness, I realized that I haven't put up In Absentia! Of all the stories to not have up immediately!

*shakes head in disbelief*


@Clyde:
quote:

more than meets* the eye.
I meant to say "more than meets the mind."

< Message edited by Eukara -- 7/17/2008 11:15:58 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 13
7/25/2008 0:25:57   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Here is Anoril's Birthday. Wrote this last year for the Cysero's Defenders clan.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 14
8/11/2008 12:40:27   
Sentharn
Member

Poetic Justice

Just finished reading Poetic Justice! So I re-read it, because I have a tendency to read /very/ fast and skip over details...

Uber-Critique time!
Disclaimer: These are my opinions and no one else's. I will not be miffed or insulted in any way if you do not take my advice; indeed, I would be interested to see how many ways my comments could be interpreted into a story!

First chapter/post/section:

quote:

His face moved from the clock face...


His face was on the clock? Did you perhaps mean his gaze, his sight, his visage?

quote:

She was always quiet; she didn't even move much and never spoke.


She didn't *ever* move much instead of /even/?

quote:

Looking up, he knew his stop was soon and edited the stanza.


Maybe add something here to further reinforce the fact that he knows that he has to work quickly before his stop comes up?

quote:

Suddenly, his hand flew across the page, writing the next stanza.


The last place his notebook (with real paper) is noted is in the bus. I was wondering whether this was some new laptop where you could write on the screen--those do exist, you know.

quote:

Resigning himself to another day of torture, Clyde began the short hike from the bus to the double glass doors that swallowed helpless students as they walked past.


Do the students walk past the doors of this school or through them?

quote:

Despite his height, the ball was tossed too high.


This sounds slightly better if you tack, "for him." on the end, IMHO of course.

quote:

In his effort to catch the ball, the jock jumped into Clyde’s classmate, pinning her painfully against the railing.


In his effort sounds a bit...technical as he attempts to catch the ball...
Also, jumping into people sounds a bit strange.

quote:

Walking through the atrium, he watched for her, his sweeping gaze met Jake’s eyes.


I'm not as well-versed on the rules of grammar as I should be, so I could be wrong; but, should the first verb be in the past tense? "He waked," instead of "Walking." On a similar vein, I think the second verb should be "watching," and to give the sentence continuity, put a "but instead" or "however" before the third action.

quote:

Sinking back into his seat, Clyde inwardly groaned.


The word order for "inwardly groaned," seems reversed to me.

quote:

Slothful almost, Clyde’s pace caused several students to slam into him as they scrambled to get out of the classroom and into the gym.


Word order again, plus I think that "Slothful Almost" should be revered and put just before "pace."

quote:

Books packed after stopping at his locker, Clyde made his way into the gym and took his seat as close to the door and away from Jake as possible.


This might just be me, since I don't go to public school and don't have a locker, but where did Clyde pack his books? And is Clyde's seat (/the/ seat) assigned by someone else, and does it just happen to be as close to the door and as (far, might want to add far) away from Jake as possible?

quote:

Running after his classmate proved difficult as she had disappeared.


Probably should have a comma somewhere in here.

quote:

He wove through the busses, finally spotting her already quite a ways down the street.


Methinks that 'through' the buses implies he was actually climbing inside the buses. "Already quite a ways down the street," that seems kind of odd, perhaps split it with another comma and/or change it a bit? "He wove between the buses and finally spotted her, already quite a ways down the street." Also, busses should be buses.

quote:

As he looked around, he heard the roar of a car approaching too fast and it swerved as the curb came up too quickly.


Since the point of view for this story is Clyde, it seems odd to describe the curb in this manner. You may want to reinforce the idea that the curb is moving from the drivers perspective, perhaps by adding, "for the driver to handle/compensate/turn."

quote:

It was apparent that he was not going to get it back and sat up, sighing.


The change between the concepts of him not getting the notebook back and him sitting up is rather abrupt. It may work better if you add, "...going to get it back, so/and he sat up, sighing."


quote:

"These are great! So that is what you do when you sit in the back of the classroom." Thumbing the corners of a few pages, she set in motion the little cartoon that Clyde had drawn of the basketball hitting Kyle in the face. "This is great!"


The word order for "she set in motion the little cartoon" sounds a bit odd, but after I read the sentence more closely it does seem to fit here and I can't think of a way to improve it, unless you really wanted to start butchering. Perhaps, "Thumbing the corners of a few pages, she set the little cartoon Clyde had drawn in motion, laughing as she watched the basketball hit Kyle in the face." (And who's Kyle?)

This could possibly make an appropriate ending line, if you wanted to end the story here, by removing the second "This is great!" and making the sentence where she starts the cool little animation a separate paragraph. Somewhat like this:

quote:

"These are great! So that is what you do when you sit in the back of the classroom."

Thumbing the corners of a few pages, she set in motion the little cartoon that Clyde had drawn of the basketball hitting Kyle in the face.


So there it is, my first-full length critique! I hope you find it helpful!

*Dives into Ripped and continues reading*

< Message edited by Sentharn -- 8/12/2008 0:40:56 >
Post #: 15
8/11/2008 16:04:47   
Sentharn
Member

Ripped

Dragons! DRAGONS! This story was rather sad, but had a nice twist of irony at the end--No, I won't spoil it, go read it yourself! Most of the errors I saw were a few misspelled words there, a missing "a" there, etc. I've come to realize by now that your use of what many might consider 'excessive' "ands" is part of your style and I like it, so I won't bug you too much about it.

Disclaimer: These are my opinions and no one else's. I will not be miffed or insulted in any way if you do not take my advice; indeed, I would be interested to see how many ways my comments could be interpreted into a story!

quote:

Blues and greens spread across her shoulder like ink spilt on paper. The booming voice and resounding smack registered not on her face though her mind screamed on and on.


Spilt is not a word according to spellcheck, should be spilled, I think. You may want a The in front of the 'resounding smack' and a comma between her face and though. "...and the resounding smack registered not on her face, though her mind screamed on and on."

quote:

A few feet away a small body slid across the floor. His eyes were shut tight, fearful of seeing the next blow come his way.


This is strange. I read it once, I thought, "wrong! Eukky should change it to, 'the next blow that would come his way.'" I read it again and thought it was fine. Huh.

quote:


As the child lay on the floor motionless, praying his tormentor would leave, he chanced a glance at his mother. She sat huddled; an empty shell that had at one time tickled his toes and smiled.


Motionless should come just after lay, methinks.
quote:

As he hung suspended, another hand roughly spun the child’s body, causing the shirt to twist, slowly tightening around his throat.


The third and fourth sections could be joined, as in, "Causing the shirt to twist and slowly tighten around his throat."

quote:

The giant of a man flung the boy against the wall, his body falling into a crumpled heap next to his mother, and taunted him. “You’ll never be a man at this rate, boy.”


It seems like the subject in this sentence is jumping around too much without warning, it goes from the man to the boy and back to the man again. I first read it and wondered why the man crumpled in a heap. You may want to add some identification to the boy, maybe saying, "his little body falling..." since it directly contradicts the, "giant of a man," and would make it a little more obvious.

quote:

Though her scream was unintelligible, it was a scream of protest and anguish and their tormentor knew it.


Should have a comma after anguish, IMO.

quote:

The boy fearfully stared as the man reached out to grab him by the throat.


Word order, again; fearfully and stared are reversed.

quote:

The boy watched as the mother who saved his life began to lose hers. Over and over he watched the man beat her until a bright light seared his eyes.


This looks fine, although one thing confused me slightly, I just thought you may want to take note of it; I didn't get the reason for the bright light--I assume now that he was in a dream or flashback/memory--and I had to think about it for a moment. It also doesn't seem to flow with the next sentence:

quote:

Suddenly, voices overwhelmed the previous silence for the last year.


Did you mean for the last time? This sentence confuses me somewhat.

quote:

She turned away and began to walk towards the light.


Is the boy still in her arms?

quote:

He reached out for her sobbing, and watched her form recede from his view slowly until there was nothing left but the glare of the outside and the dying of his heart.


Methinks that there should be a comma between her and sobbing: "He reached out for her, sobbing, and watched..."
Also, this mysterious glare from the outside, what's it from? The sun? I realize this is one of the very important pieces of the story, so I'll leave this alone; I don't know its exact role, and you do.


quote:

The punch landed just right, sending Xinthe’s head snapping backwards violently.

Violently seems misplaced...maybe it would sound better after "snapping?"

quote:

He felt the throb of pain in his jaw and the sting left on his skin.


You may want to inform us lowly readers as to exactly what left the sting on his skin...

quote:

Xinthe ran full on towards the guy in front of him and tackled him, arms wrapped tightly around the chest. They both hit the ground, though Xinthe was at a distinct advantage being the one on top.


"Wrapped," IMO, implies that it already happened; you may want to use 'wrapping' here instead. You also may want to put a comma just after "advantage."


quote:

Just as he kicked his nemesis in the ribs, he felt four strong arms grab him form behind and wrestle him to the ground.


"Form" should be "from," I imagine.

quote:

It bled profusely and Xinthe appreciated the bright red glow to the boy’s formerly crisp white shirt.


"To the boy's formerly crisp white shirt," that sounds odd. Maybe the bright red glow that diffused the boy's shirt? Stained? Saturated? Dyed? Infused? Also, this seems like it may be a good point for a separator, or at least an explanation of how Xinthe got into the office.

quote:

“Not again, Xinthe.” Mrs. Dorney sighed as she dropped his file on the table. “We can’t do this for much longer and your foster parents are at their wits end. I know this isn’t easy…”


Wits should be wits', I think, since there are two foster parents.

quote:

She had no desire to hurt the boy more than he already was and will be for eternity.


Will be? That sound strange. Maybe Would be? Also, another good point for a separator.

quote:

His temper and troubled mind interfered with normal life functions.


This sounds like he has some terminal disease and not a behavior issue...how else might you be able to refer to his life functions? Maybe, "his ability to lead a normal life," or something similar?

quote:

Women with brown laughing eyes broke his heart.


I think that, "laughing brown eyes," might sound better.


quote:

His mind and heart was safe in no town and he moved constantly.


Comma after town.

quote:

He gazed at his surroundings through weary bloodied eyes, realizing that he had been carried into the sands of Nethesea.


How'd he get here?

quote:

The water was sweet and cool causing Xinthe to plunge his head into the water. The cold bit into his skin, chilling his very skull and Xinthe’s head throbbed.


Commas suggested, after "cool" and after "skull."


quote:

Taking another breath above he dove into the water and ignored the searing pain from his last beating and swam hard for the bottom.


Okay, I lied. I am going to bug you about your ands, but only a few times. Methinks this sentence should be split up a bit with commas.


quote:

Finally, lungs threatening to explode and eyes near frozen, he grasped the silvery oblong object and hauled it to the surface.


Methinks a "his" before "lungs" could work wonders here.

quote:

The object rocked violently, vibrating, and Xinthe wanted to flee. But his curiosity stayed his feet and he watched the object dance beneath his hands.


Did Xinthe stand up or anything before he decided he wanted to flee? Also, the first 'his' here may or may not be necessary--it's a matter of personal preference.

quote:

At first, the cracks were barely noticeable. But then, without warning the object split into four sections, cradling a small black and silver creature.


The, "At first," makes it seem like the cracks grew larger, but the egg instantly splits. Should there be a little description of the cracks growing larger here, or would that be excessive here?

quote:

A real live dragon baby!

Comma! :P After "real."

quote:

Under his left eye was a snowflake, perfectly carved yet looked as if it belonged there.


What looks as if it belonged there? I think you need a subject here.


quote:

Estoral dove down through the clouds and spread out her wings, an audible snap echoed through the town square.


Needs something to connect the wings to the snap--maybe an "and?"

quote:

She landed cracefully and Xinthe unbuckled he restraint.


Should "Cracefully" be "Gracefully" or "Carefully?" If it's the latter, "Carefully" usually sounds better in front of the verb. Also, I assume "he" should be "the" or "his"

quote:

According to the document, you will be waited for on a wide flat cliff overlooking the lakes.”


Waited for works here, but it does seem a little odd, perhaps, 'awaited?'

quote:

Estoral leapt into the air gracefully and pushed hard with her silvery wings, sending a cloud of dust all over the little town.


Word order, yet again. Methinks that "gracefully" should precede the verb.

quote:

I mean we are few and far between, but usually we can sense each other when allied in a common purpose.


Comma after "mean" is suggested, and perhaps emphasize the "are" with italics?


quote:

If you don’t receive contact in the next thirty minutes, I will seriously consider falling back.


Was he half-seriously considering falling back before? The "seriously" implies that he was already thinking about it.

quote:

Estoral soared onward towards the lakes; the air growing colder every second.


The semicollon doesn't seem right in this situation. A comma would suffice, methinks, like, "Estoral soared onwards towards the lakes, as the air grew colder every second."

quote:

After a few more moments of cold flight, icicles forming on his woolen riding cloak, Xinthe spotted the lakes shimmering in the sunlight. What strange, yet beautiful lakes. Though so far north, they never freeze over.


Moments go by fast; did you mean, minutes? Also, methinks it may sound better changing the verb "forming" to the past tense and adding, "while" in front of it. Also, if the last two sentences are thoughts, as they seem to be, they should be italicized.

quote:

The icy mountains were more home for her than anywhere else in the world and they came here frequently to enjoy a little solitude and regeneration.


It might sound better saying, "more /of/ a home for her," and a comma would do you well after "world."


quote:

As he approached the individual waiting for them, Xinthe took the opportunity to study this person. By build, he assumed that the person was a man, though a mages robe can be deceiving.


"This person" sounds a little generic...how about, "the individual," or if you want to go deeper, the "mysterious individual." Also, mages should be mage's, singular possessive, and "can" may sound better as "could".

quote:

She landed behind Xinthe and stood tall and menacingly. She roared her challenge as Xinthe turned to climb into his dragonsaddle. Xinthe heard a quiet chuckle and turned to see what was so funny. The hood rose and fell with each bout of laughter issuing from the inside.


Menacingly is a verb, you want to describe how she's standing, right? I think it may be 'menacing,' that you are looking for, as well as a comma after 'stood'. You also may want to make it clear that both the chuckle and the hood belong to the man.

quote:

All except you, the one that serve in the seclusion of the southern isles and never comes to the mainland except to come here.” The voice spoke evenly, treacherously; it dripped with the venom of hate and Xinthe shuddered.


Should "serve" be "serves?"

quote:

Both Estoral and Xinthe dropped to their knees, grimacing as the effect of the spell wore off. Xinthe looked on as the hooded man walked towards them. His voice was quiet, though Xinthe assumed that the man was about to cast a spell on one of them.


If you want to emphasize the spell, you might say, "grimacing in pain," instead of merely grimacing. Also, instead of "though," you might simply put "and," and if you really want to get into emotions, you could say that Xinthe "feared" that the man was going to cast a spell on one of them. And last, "one of them" seems too detailed, would just plain old, "them" work?

quote:

The mage raised his hand a sent a shockwave of pain, slamming into Xinthe and Estoral.


I assume A was meant to be an and. Also, "sent" seems a bit weak, maybe, "cast forth?"
Also, you could probably take out that comma and just say that it "slammed" (past tense) into the two of them.

quote:

Xinthe tried to run to her and drew his blade; the silver metal flashing in the sunlight.


Sounds a bit weird with that semicolon and the present tense verb again, maybe put, "the silver metal flashed in the sunlight."
quote:

Everytime he was able to see his precious Estoral, she was being beaten down by the fire dragon.


Should be "Every time," I think.

quote:

Without warning, he body was flung through the air and he crashed into a few boulders that stood alone in the middle of the flat cliff surface.


He should be his, methinks...

quote:

Her eyes met his and she fought free, biting the neck of the fire dragon in one last effort to save her bonded, her beloved.


This makes it sound like she managed to fight her way to freedom. Did you mean she fought to free herself or to get free?

quote:

The mage raised a hand and blasted her with shards of fired glass, penetrating her hide and causing her so much pain.


"So much pain" seems a little odd, perhaps, "immense pain" could be used here? It does fit the theme, though...once again, personal preference.

quote:

Xinthe reached out and caressed the face of Estoral, her breathing slowed and her eyes were shut. He felt them closed and still, never to open again.


It might sound better if you split the first sentence into two. "Xinthe reached out and caressed the face of Estoral. Her breathing was slowed, and her eyes were shut." Also, for the second sentence, you might want to add a comma after "them" to emphasize the closed eyes, "He felt them, closed and still, never to open again."


Well, that took a bit to type out! I hope you find it useful, and don't mind me pushing too many commas on you!



Post #: 16
8/12/2008 14:58:17   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Part three of Poetic Justice is up, though Sentharn has already given me some critique. Enjoy!
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 17
8/12/2008 15:30:39   
Sentharn
Member

Critique for: "Hope from Hate" (Eukara)

Quick Overview: More Dragons! MORE DRAGONS! *Dances* Um, anyways, I enjoyed the story (I admire your simplistic yet descriptive style,) and I like the calm-before-the-storm character interaction. As usual, nothing major, a few words that might need to be re-arranged, a certain section that might need to be more informative to the reader. I envy you and your writing skills.

Standard Critique Disclaimer: These are my opinions and no one else's. I will not be miffed or insulted in any way if you do not take my advice; indeed, I would be interested to see how many ways my comments could be interpreted into a story! Also, I am not a certified writer, so as with all other advice, take mine with a grain of salt. Use your judgment.

Main Critique:


quote:

I hope we are not too late Coriath.


I think it would help to have a comma after "late."

quote:

The call just came before the sun had risen.


This is readable, but it might work better if you put the just in front of before, or take it out entirely.

quote:

That would mean, Coriath, it is Densoro that was called to take care of the rogue dragons.


I got confused here. It might be helpful to make it more clear as to who/what Densoro is earlier in the story.

quote:

They called in a good fighter to take out the dragons though.


Methinks a comma in front of "though" might help some.

quote:

The great dragon pumped her deep golden wings hard, accelerating the already incredible speed at which they were traveling.


This sounds all right, but it might be better if you said that they were accelerating /past/ or /beyond/ the speed they were traveling; I don't think it's possible to accelerate a speed directly. *shrugs*

quote:

They flew over the mountain range, using the air currents to push Coriath up without her having to use much in the way of energy. Both Ellaurah and Coriath knew she needed all of her strength in the next hour or so. Another roar sounded and then was joined by a deeper resonant roar.


"To push Coriath up" sounds a little low energy; might it sound better to use a phrase such as, 'to keep aloft," or something similar? "Needed" is past tense; Coriath will need her energy in the future. Last, you may want to change the ending phrase to something like, "a deeper, more resonant roar," in order to emphasize the differences between the roars.

quote:

The small shape began to grow larger at an accelerated rate until Ellaurah could make out the pale turquoise body of Hiryuo.


Might I humbly suggest that the Dragonfly most high replace "at an accelerated rate," with something such as, "at an amazing rate," or "at a rapid velocity?" "Accelerated rate," implies that the object was moving slower at an earlier point in the story.
quote:


A short pause quieted Ellaurah’s mind before Coriath answered.


Methinks the verb, "quieted," is a little odd in this scenario. How weird. This was another, "I read it, thought it was weird, read it again, thought it was all right," phrase. You may want to consider the wording, just in case.


quote:

I saw the remains of a cooking fire and the residue of fire elsewhere indicating a camp of some sort.


This humble wannabe-critic believes with all of his (or her) soul that a comma after, "elsewhere," could quite possibly improve this sentence.

quote:

Yet, it seemed that the stuff belonged there.”


For some reason, this confuses me. Is this meant to imply that they have lived there for awhile? If so, then disregard that, I su...nevermind.

quote:


And many dragons are very, very talkative,”


This mere peasant was mirthful because s/he though that this sentence said, "male dragons..." at first.

quote:

If all humans and dragons saw the world as you, Densoro and other Dragonsibs, we would not have to be on the hunt so often.


This amateur writer sincerely believes that there should be a "do" in there somewhere, preferably after, "as."

quote:

Hiryuo looked at Densoro, his read eyes swirling nearly black, and walked over to Coriath.


Methinks that someday we will have a proper spell checker. Someday, we will have a spell checker that will be able to scan the context of a sentence, and so will be able to tell that, "read," although a valid word, should actually be "red" in this sentence.

quote:

We have had a few Dragons pass through Carn Elath in the last few months and they have been slightly condescending towards her.

/Slightly/ condescending? A few /slightly/ condescending males caused her to blow up?
Dragons must be very touchy. Methinks that there would have to be quite a few irritating dragons or a few very, very annoying ones.

quote:

Ellaurah did the same and noticed that Coriath seemed to be over the insult from Densoro. Coriath, closest to the edge, turned from Hiryuo and stepped off the ledge gracefully, spreading her wings out to catch the current.


Since Hiryuo is really quite a gentleman, might it help to reinforce the idea that the insult was inadvertent? Also, I forgot if this is part of your style or not, but it might help if "closest to the edge," was replaced by, "who was closest to the edge..." And once more, I think Gracefully is on the wrong side of "ledge." But that's just my opinionated self, as usual.

quote:

Yes, and more capable of a ruthlessness that even Ellaurah is unaware of. I would not cross her if my life depended on it.


This extremely opinionated author who loves making sure that subjects are meticulously clear wishes to inform the great Dragonfly that a "she is" right after "and" might help.

quote:

She is here, Ellaurah, about three dragonlengths to the left around the jutting stone. She is busy feeding and has not sensed us here.


Methinks the "jutting stone" sounds kind of odd, as if it were a stone manufactured for the purpose of jutting out. It might help to actually say, "the stone jutting out of the cliff," or something similar. Also, it may help to have a comma after "feeding."

quote:

Senses alert, he circled peak after peak, in an effort to sniff out the target.


In my critiquing, I believe I have made the oft-repeated statement that a sentence needs more commas. I have made this statement often, and repeated often. This is probably one of the most common problems, with any writer. Many writers do not use enough commas. I have repeated it often, "you need to add a comma here..." And yet I find myself repeating it even more. I have to say, "You need to add a comma," much too often for my own liking.
You need to remove the comma after "peak."

quote:

My question is whose magic are we dealing with?


This sentence needs more commas. I have said it many times in the past and I will once again re-use my old line and say, "This sentence needs more commas."
It might help if you put a comma after "is."

quote:

Before Densoro could complete the thought, something slammed into Hiryuo’s body hard, sending the dragon flailing through the air and plummeting to the ground. Densoro held tightly to the harness straps while clamping his legs tight against his dragonsaddle.


Read my mind. Guess what punctuation mark I humbly request you add just after, "Hiryuo's body?" I also think that "held tightly to..." sounds a bit odd. Does, "tightly held onto," sound better?
quote:

Hiryuo’s body twisted violently and nearly collided with the granite cliffs off to the side. Roaring furiously, the male rogue dragon dove down after the falling dragon, talons extended and razor sharp.


Did some ill-suited prop manager put those cliffs there? Methinks it sounds a bit odd, saying that cliffs are off to the side. I also humbly beg for you to consider re-ordering the last sentence to say something similar to..."...after the falling dragon, razor-sharp talons extended."


quote:

Hiryuo desperately searched for something to help him stop and gain some control over the current situation.


In my oh-so-humble-opinion, I think that "the" current situation might sound better as, "his" current situation.

quote:

Spying a small outcropping of rocks on the mountain side below, Hiryuo stretched out his great legs and prepared to spread his wings at the last minute.


How long does this battle last? How long does the dragon take to get to the outcropping? Might it sound better if you say, "last second?"

quote:

Densoro flung his gaze up towards and saw the rider for the first time.


This lowly servant humbly points out that, "towards," is probably meant to be part of, "upwards."


quote:

Densoro felt his entire body jarred violently as Hiryuo planted his legs into the side of the mountain while simultaneously spreading his wings to stop the fall.


Once again, in my so-humble-opinion, I think "the" fall should be "their" fall.

quote:

Hiryuo’s entire body shook in pain and Densoro himself could feel his dragon’s pain as his own and cried out.


Methinks that it might help if you said who cried out, (him, the dragon, both of them) and put a few commas in here.

quote:

Trying to stop in midair, the rogue bugled a frustrated cry and tried to avoid the collision from below. But he was not fast enough and the impact threw him sideways into the mountain side.


Methinks that it might help if you tried a verb besides, "trying" here, since it's used twice. Mayhaps something like, "attempting to stop...?" I also do believe that mountain side could be mountainside.


quote:

Ellaurah heard the curse and challenge from the female and it shook down into her soul.


This humble critic wishes to inform you that it may sound better if the last part had a subject ("her",) and for emphasis on the power of the roar/challenge, you might consider adding the word "very" in there somewhere. (...and it shook her down into her very soul.)


quote:

Nimbly, Coriath moved to avoid the brunt of the swipe; the tail only caught her on the hind leg.


Methinks that the word order sounds a little odd here; should Nimbly come after Coriath?


quote:

They tore into the Dragon’s flesh and she screamed in pain as the ichor gushed from the wounds. Swiveling her head around, her great jaws parted enough to bite hard into Coriath’s shoulder, and the Dragon pulled away, trying to rip the flesh from Coriath’s bone.


Who is biting who here? You may want to see if it can be made more clear for us lowly readers. Also, I've noticed you seem to randomly capitalize Dragon. Is this intentional?

quote:

A deep bellowing broke the silence from the sky. Spiraling down at top speed was the male rogue dragon, his violet eyes whirling black.


Methinks it might sound better if you say, "a deep bellow," because a verb can't fill the sky. At least, not in this space/time continuum.

quote:

Ellaurah ran towards Coriath, but stopped short, terrified for her Dragon.


She stopped /because/ she was terrified for her dragon? This sounds a little odd to me.

quote:

A wide gash spread across Coriath’s flank and the male clawed her again. Though Ellaurah could feel her Dragon’s immense pain, Coriath did not utter sound.


Where did the gash come from? Also, methinks that Coriath did not utter /a/ sound.

Defiantly, she glared at the male and head butted him, jabbing his neck with her horns.

quote:

The spikes on her tail sunk deep into Coriath’s flank and Ellaurah watched her dragon nearly bend in half sideways to lock jaws around the beast’s neck for the second time.


"nearly bend in half sideways" sounds like the word order might be reversed. Perhaps, "bend sideways, nearly in half, to lock jaws..."?

This humble grammar-examiner also thinks it might be a good idea to have a line/separator here.

quote:

Densoro, DrakeMaster Blade drawn, rounded a corner, engaged in battle with a swordsman of foreign skill.


Methinks the comma after corner may be unneeded, perhaps an "and" would work just as well?

quote:

The foreigner arched his curved blade over his head and brought it crashing down towards Densoro’s head.


Methinks that "arched" could also be "arced," depending on preference.

quote:

He deflected Densoro’s attack, but not enough.


Who deflected the attack?

quote:

The man dropped to one knee, calling out to his companion.


"Calling out," seems a little low-energy. Is there another verb that might work better here, like, "shouting out?"

quote:

Screaming with everything she had within her, she sent a double bolt of energy towards the male rogue and he turned in anger, skin charred and blackened.


You may want to tell us lowly readers exactly what charred his skin, to make it more clear.

quote:

The male dragon attacked Coriath again, this time ramming his entire body up against hers, pinning her to the granite wall. He pushed hard and Ellaurah could feel the pain it caused and Coriath’s growing inability to breathe.


"ramming his entire body up against hers," sounds a bit too wordy; might just, "Ramming his body against her," work? Also, this humble critic thinks that it should be more clear who is feeling the pain first, "...could feel the pain it caused her." Also, last, the "and Coriath's growing inability to breathe," sounds a little odd, perhaps something like, "and Coriath's inability to breathe, pinned between the wall and the dragon?"


quote:

Ellaurah aimed another attack at the rogue, but before she could release, the mage hit her with a darkness wave that threw her backwards and against the nest.


What was she trying to release? Methinks that "against the nest," could be a little more high-energy...would it be possible to substitute something like, her backwards, ramming her against the nest?"

quote:

On impact she heard a crunch from within and pain shot through her back and chest. Finding her breath short and painful, she watched the mage head towards Densoro, arms out to the side and another wave attack forming in front of her.


On the impact with what? Perhaps something like, "When she impacted with the nest..." could work equally well? I also think that "breath" might sound better as "breaths" in this situation, since she's obviously breathing more than one breath. I also think you need (yet another) comma, after "side," and the "and" could probably go if you decide to add the comma.




quote:

From behind Ellaurah, the pounding of wings sent dust whipping across skin and Ellaurah stood slowly clutching her chest.


Methinks it might sound better if it were specified who's skin the dust is whipping across. Also, "stood slowly," works, but so would, "slowly stood," and last, I humbly request a comma after stood or slowly (depending on which on you use,) immediately preceding, "clutching,"


quote:

Hiryuo swept over Ellaurah at an angle and crashed into the male rogue, sending him sprawling towards the cliff’s edge. The might of the turquoise dragon caught the rogue off-guard and it scrabbled for a hold on the rocks as he was pushed farther and farther towards the edge.


People/Dragons/french pastries usually are sprawled on the ground, not towards any one direction, if I recall. It does sound good though, so you could probably leave this. In the second sentence, you refer to the dragon as "it" at first, and then as "he."

quote:

Seeing the ground coming up fast, Hiryuo folded his wings, diving into the rogue with all his might and speed, pulling up at the last minute and watched the impact of the rogue on the ground. The crash reverberated through the mountain side and minutes later, laboring but smug, Hiryuo appeared and flew over to Coriath.


Methinks that, "coming" is a little odd here, since "seeing" is also in present tense. Might, "come," work just as well? Also, following the same thinking, might "diving" be "dived?"

quote:

Still feeling the effects of the darkness attack from the mage, Densoro brought his sword forward, jabbed and feinted to the left and the foreigner took the bait. As the foreigner moved to defend, Densoro pulled his sword back and slashed sideways, catching the man in the side. He then thrust his sword into the foreigner’s stomach and kicked him over the edge.


Methinks that a comma right after, "left" might help flow somewhat. Also, who is the foreigner defending?

quote:

Densoro turned to check on Ellaurah and felt the impact of a well-aimed punch in the face.


I would feel the impact of a well-aimed punch to the face as well. Could this be worded another way that gives the impact more energy?


quote:

As she pulled her arms back to send the dark wave into Densoro, Ellaurah sent what little she had left in the form of an energy strike at the mage's back.


What little of what?

quote:


The mage looked up at him and dropped to her knees, body slowly sliding off of the sword, and fell face down onto the granite clifftop.


This lowly writer begs the forgiveness of the mighty Dragonfly and suggests that adding a "her" in front of "body" might do well.

quote:

She is very worried about Ellaurah. She is afraid.


This seems redundant at first, but could also be a part of your style, emphasizing how afraid her dragon is. Personal preference matter.

quote:

Densoro stopped in his tracks. Only one thing instills fear in a true Dragon: losing their human companions.


Can dragons have more than one companion? Also, this is one of the only lines that is in present tense in the story.

quote:

She sat, leaning against the nest, pale and slick with sweat. Her breathing was labored and Densoro himself began to fear.


Methinks the first comma could actually be done away with for more flow. And who is Densoro fearing/fearing for?

quote:

Densoro saw the blackening area that wrapped from her chest to her back. And he could see it growing.


Since you say that the area is growing in the second sentence, might it work better to refer to it as simply the "blackened" area instead of the, "blackening" area?


quote:

The magic attack that hit her was felt even by me down below as I fought the male rogue.


The word order might need re-arranging here. Perhaps something like, "The magic attack that hit her was felt even by me, as I fought the male rouge down below?"


quote:

It mewed up at her and struggled to walk towards Ellaurah.


Me thinks that "her" and "Ellaurah" might be reversed.

quote:

Baby dragons imprinted the first person they saw, taking on attributes of that person. Ellaurah had to, no matter the cost, give the baby dragon something good to imprint.


Does the dragon just take /some/ of the attributes of that person, or does it take /the/ attributes of that person? Also, methinks the, "No matter the cost," could easily go in front of the sentence and might make it less broken up.


Conclusion:
DRAGONS! Okay, I should stop saying that now. This story has really made me like Dragons. I really liked the story, nothing majorly wrong (No run-on sentences, like my /last/ critique, thank goodness!)

*Goes and reads Pallor of Life*
Post #: 18
8/13/2008 3:43:12   
mastin2
Member

quote:

“Bad choice of words. I apologize”
missing period after 'apologize'.

quote:

"These are great! So that is what you do when you sit in the back of the classroom." Thumbing the corners of a few pages, she set in motion the little cartoon that Clyde had drawn of the basketball hitting Kyle in the face. "This is great!"
this is the only place I can find where the quotation marks are not curved. Consistency = good.

...That's all I could find. Not only have others beaten me to it (:(), but you're good to begin with! I like how the story is progressing! :)

-Mastin
Post #: 19
8/25/2008 1:36:50   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Yay for me!

Another part of poetic Justice is out. This is quickly turning into "Let's see how Clyde thinks" story!

Fun, huh?
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 20
8/26/2008 13:13:47   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Alrighty, finally working on everyones suggestions.

Mastin's last commentary - CHECK

Sentharn's Comment of Poetic Justice: CHECK
Alrighty, the part of the story where the jock jumps into Clyde's classmate...that is suppose to sound technical and such. He is purposely jumping into her. It was a setup.

Walking through the atrium, he watched for her, his sweeping gaze met Jake’s eyes. Changed to ----> Walking through the atrium, he looked for her amidst the sea of multicolored heads. Instead, his sweeping gaze met Jake’s eyes.

During pep rallies there is no assigned seating. You sit where you want.

Sentharn's Comment of Ripped - CHECK
I gave a tad more information about the light, Sentharn. I implied that the mother and child were prisoners in the house, kept by the man. The glare of light, the outside, was something they rarely ever saw.

Sentharn's Comment of Hate From Hope -

< Message edited by Eukara -- 8/28/2008 3:00:12 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 21
8/28/2008 2:48:04   
mastin2
Member



I'm back, and I'm reading! :)




quote:

THinking about the day's events, the past trouble for Idessa and his own dislike for the social stratus of his school, Clyde dug in and let his pen take over.
Oh, dear...two typos. "THinking" should be "Thinking" and "Idessa" should be "Odessa."

quote:

There obnoxious snickers
There = Their?

quote:

There An obnoxious snicker
Turns into something a whole new thing.
Via the previous and following rhyme patterns, I am led to conclude that 'Turns' should be lower cased and 'An' should be in italics.

quote:

you'll be in this I'mperfect world."
I'mperfect is two words, no?

quote:

'Oh for the love of...Give Clyde his laptop and stay out of his room,"
the ' needs to be a ".

quote:

Seriously, get your butt back intot he living rooma nd get to work. I do not want another teacher conference Jack.
Oh, dear Lorithia...are you trying to overload my typo sense? :P
"intot he" should be "into the" and "rooma nd" should be "room and". I believe you also need a comma after 'conference.'

quote:

I'mPerfect Moment
Alone, I would think that I'mPerfect would be I'm Perfect. But with the earlier, not so sure. Was it intentional?


Well, that is it. It is simply amazing, Eukara, how well you write. :)

-Mastin

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 9/8/2008 19:14:19 >
Post #: 22
9/9/2008 0:08:15   
mastin2
Member

I finished! I am really enjoying the story so far! It is simply amazing, Eukara, how well you write. :)
Post #: 23
9/27/2008 1:45:16   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


I haven't added anything here in a while, since I am working on editing and polishing Kiss, but this story came up in a conversation and I posted it.

Here is The Fisherman's Daughter.

This is written according to the rules of fairytale writing. Happy ever after allergies beware.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 24
11/1/2008 17:14:28   
Lilyheart Butterflies
Member

Hiya Eukara,

I have read Poetic Justice and Ripped so far and... I have to say, they were extremely enjoyable to read. Although I feel Ripped had a little sadness to it with all the violence and that. At the moment I am reading Hope from Hate, and I'm taking deep interest into it. I like the way you use the italics... To show thought and a way where to people can comunicate through muse. It's weird, I'm in a nearby silent enviroment, it is pouring it down with rain outside, my brother and my two dogs are down stairs so I'm hearing faint trickles of sound from that. And I'm reading your truely amazing stories at past nine at night. All I can hear now is basically just myself typing and rapid, vigorous, violent fireworks.

Anyway, onto the comments... Sorry, went to sleep early last night had to get of the computer quickly. Anyway, I like the way Ripped is set out. The way you explain things kinda of gives the reader a clear picture in there head. Like painting a picture inside everyones head. It's just about the PG-13 limit with the violence and the behaviour and... stuff. The key thing I like about the stories is that you describe a bit, not too much, but enough to keep the reader satisfied throughout the story.

I like the theme of dragons in the stories Ripped and Hope from Hate (just finished reading Hope from Hate). It gives the story(ies) fantasy altogether. The theme is the key of your stories, you never let it loose. That's basically all I have to say. Thankies...

I'm going back to readin'.

< Message edited by Mistress Lilyheart -- 11/2/2008 5:13:03 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 25
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> Other Creative Works Discussion >> Dragonfly Court - Stories - Comments -
Page 1 of 212>
Jump to:






Icon Legend
New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Forum Content Copyright © 2018 Artix Entertainment, LLC.

"AdventureQuest", "DragonFable", "MechQuest", "EpicDuel", "BattleOn.com", "AdventureQuest Worlds", "Artix Entertainment"
and all game character names are either trademarks or registered trademarks of Artix Entertainment, LLC. All rights are reserved.
PRIVACY POLICY


Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition