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Acceptus Procul Meus Rabidus Vita/Welcome To My Life Crazy Commenting Thread

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12/23/2008 4:38:04   
BadHulk
Member

The Poetry Thread can be found here: Clicky

Just the normall stuff what people post here.

< Message edited by BadHulk -- 9/24/2009 10:38:26 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 1
1/10/2009 5:35:31   
PoeticSpanner
Member

your stuff seems improved a bit since I saw it in Eng 101 :)

Couple of things I saw:

"Cold"

The sad faces disapear. <---disappear

False gods

The gods have never excisted for them <--existed

Otherwise, great job. Seems your English has improved too :)



Post #: 2
1/10/2009 5:38:16   
BadHulk
Member

Thanks and edited.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 3
1/10/2009 5:53:52   
PoeticSpanner
Member

Most welcome :)

Anxious to see new work too :)

Ana
Post #: 4
1/12/2009 17:46:10   
PoeticSpanner
Member

Dicothomy

Heroes come and go
The evil will rise
The good will rise
The hero's will cleanse
the world of the evil
Hero's will slaugther the evil
Evil will slaugther the hero's
The balance between evil and the hero's
shall go up and down between the fights

^^^I have a question: Did you mean for the bolded parts to show possesion, mean as contraction for hero is, or did you mean it to be plural of hero? If mean the 3rd, it ought to be "hereos"....otherwise its fine. :)
Post #: 5
1/14/2009 11:00:40   
BadHulk
Member

Edited and all. Thanks.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 6
2/7/2009 15:57:26   
PoeticSpanner
Member

Newest one is one of your better ones :)

Not sure about "roofs"......I've usually heard it as "rooftop" or "rooftops".....but that's just me

Can see definite improvement though :D
Post #: 7
2/9/2009 13:05:18   
BadHulk
Member

Just be harsh. I like when people be harsh on comments. I wish to feel pain when i read the comments =P
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 8
6/7/2009 14:31:35   
jerenda
Member

You want harsh? Okay... I'll see what I can do... but I like to think I'm nice as a general rule...

quote:

Wanted that everyone just leaved you alone
That line makes no sense. I get what you're trying to say, but it's so convulted...

quote:

They think they are funny, but it isn't.
Because it's a contraction, you need to have an aposterphe there.

quote:

It's a living hell which you live in...
Same thing. The actual words are "it is" but they're combined here, so you need an aposterphe to indicate the missing letter.

quote:

You wish to die hard with a smile
I actually like that line. It's so contradictory... and sort of makes sense.

quote:

Being friended with the people can be a gift,
Like I said earlier, I don't think "friended" is a word, but whatever.

quote:

Want you to go suicide, wanting to die hard.
That line makes a little sense... Why are you dying hard? I don't understand that.

quote:

You wish you never lived with these persons again
People, not persons. Probably "those people", even.

quote:

to life happy and not feeling depressed
Live... not life...

quote:

Everyone tries to get you dead
Get you dead? ... Kill you, perhaps? That wording is just so... juvenile. Perhaps you should rework it a bit... At least remove the word "get".

I think I'd like it if my brain didn't keep objecting to the psycho grammer. Then again, if it's an artistic thing I'll try to get past it. Sad poem. It expresses your emotions very well. And I sort of like the psycho grammer... it's like part of the poem. ^_^

< Message edited by jerenda -- 6/7/2009 14:32:11 >

_____________________________

EC! EC! EC~
AQ DF  Post #: 9
6/7/2009 14:46:58   
BadHulk
Member

Last setence on you:

"Everyone tries to get you dead" refers to the suicide part.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 10
6/7/2009 14:49:38   
jerenda
Member

But it sounds more like murder- suicide is you killing yourself, murder is everyone else killing you. And "get you dead" still sounds very juvenile.
AQ DF  Post #: 11
6/10/2009 10:55:52   
BadHulk
Member

Fixed the typo's for the newest one. Thanks.

Everyone tries to get you dead <--- If I removed get it would be: Everyone tries to you killed/dead? Doesn't make sense eh? Fixed the rest of the typo's to

< Message edited by BadHulk -- 6/10/2009 10:59:07 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 12
9/22/2009 18:14:25   
KageArashi
Member

That's pretty neat,
you're rhyming feat.
Much better than I,
with your words to imply.
A simple tale of love,
floating on the clouds above.

Ninjat Poof!
--KageArashi
Post #: 13
9/24/2009 10:25:51   
BadHulk
Member

Well thank you KageArashi!

New poem is up to btw. I will be posting here when there is another one.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 14
9/30/2009 16:40:17   
Ilø¤IMPERIAL¤ølI
Member

quote:


The symbol of Good and Evil.
The white and the black tiger. I would remove/scratch out the, it messes up the flow. ;)
The difference between them,
That they’re colors are different.

The believe is if you live a good life, It should be belief.
You get good things and live a happy life.
If you live a bad life and do evil things,
the evil will follow you until your death.

Yin, created by Yang, and representing the black dot.
Yang, created by Yin and representing the white dot.
Both Yin and Yang, keeping themselves in harmony.
That is the purpose of Yin and Yang themselves <<< A period here!


Yang and Yin, dark and light, good and evil. :O Nice poem, but it's not your best. :P
Post #: 15
10/1/2009 8:28:19   
BadHulk
Member

Thank you IMPERIAL.

I dont know much about periods so XD

Also, at the last sentence: There WAS a period o.O

< Message edited by BadHulk -- 10/1/2009 8:29:13 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 16
11/27/2009 15:58:08   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hiyas!

Some comments on the poem Autism, starting with details:
1)
quote:

Even what one another does not hear or see

Not so sure if 'one another' fits in this context, as to my knowledge it refers to mutual action between two entities, as in 'to love one another'. Was this supposed to be 'Even what one does not hear or see' ?

2)
quote:

Provided that another autistic get reached

This wording baffles me. Were you going after the idea that the 'I' in the poem feels it is important that he reaches one autistic person besides himself or that autistic people in general would be reached? If the latter, I'd recommend putting this in plural: 'Provided that other autistics are reached' (I'm partial to liking 'are' instead or 'get' when combined with the verb 'reached')

If you were aiming for the first option, I'd change the line from passive to active voice, so that'd be more apparent that he himself is trying to reach someone. Just a suggestion.

3)
quote:

With other people in the special

Methinks 'in the special' would need a noun to continue the definition with. 'In the special what'? Unless, of course, you meant 'especially' with other people:
'Especially with other people ' or 'With other people specifically'

4)
quote:

Expires normal for me

'Makes normal expire for me' or 'Causes normal to expire for me'
I think expire is combined with a subjective but not with objective. 'Something' expires or is due to expire.

5)
quote:

I do it not or too long

Methinks a preposition is missing there: 'I do it not or for too long'

6)
quote:

But one thing that will always
It is based on self-interest

Is there purrhaps a verb missing in the first line? 'But on thing will always be/remain" ?
I don't think you'd need 'that' in such a short sentence if you don't have a verb before it.

This stanza is, imho, overall very cumbersome I'm having real hard time to gather what is said here. Have you considered writing the thought behind this stanza out a bit more?
What does the 'It' in the end refer to? To the thinking or the 'one thing' in the previous line?

7)
quote:

They are your innate

Methinks that in general, 'your innate' would need a noun ('your innate capabilities'?) to go with it, but since you have the referred to noun ('Talents') on the previous line, a rewording to 'They are innate to you' would probably work better. Was this what you were going after?

8)
quote:

The weaknesses I know them.

Hmm, I don't think you'd need to have both 'The weaknesses' and then a pronoun 'them' referring back to the noun in the same, short sentence. I'd suggest dropping the pronoun:
'I know the weaknesses'
or adding a comma in between:
'The weaknesses, I know them'


It is an interesting poem in it's very restrainted representation. I don't claim to know much about autism, but I did interpret that the slightly cumbersome way of expression/style this was written in works as an additional effect in describing the condition and difficulties to express oneself. Did I get that right?
DF  Post #: 17
11/27/2009 18:08:45   
BadHulk
Member

Well, to comment to the last setence(The question), If you meant if I have Autism, you're right at that. I use my poetry to desribe my feelings as it's just an way to get out of my daily basis. I had a verry intresting conversation with a guy where I usually hang out with and Autism came to the subject and we talked about it for an hour or so in total. I'll edit this tomorrow in my poetry as I'd need to be in bed at the moment <,< I hate Saturday mornings.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 18
11/27/2009 19:32:07   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Well, actually I wasn't asking that, because I never ask on personal traits like that in public posts. I hope I didn't unintentionally end up offending you or prying on you. That wasn't my intent.

I don't usually draw marks of equality between the 'I' in a poem and the author. I was merely inquiring, since the 'I' in the poem is autistic, if the style of writing was deliberately worded a bit strained at spots so that it would mirror the difficulties of communication the 'I' expresses in the poem. (Which would be totally a plus as long as the main message comes through and it did.)




DF  Post #: 19
11/28/2009 4:05:23   
BadHulk
Member

Well, as I have Autism of myself, this poem is made by me to show people how it kinda feels like. 9 out the 10 people or so dont even know what Autism really is.

On a small note: I made a comma after Expires. As it works better that way :3

< Message edited by BadHulk -- 11/29/2009 12:59:13 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 20
12/3/2009 12:33:42   
Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy


 Concerning your poem Autism: I enjoyed this; you paint a good picture of what it is like to be autistic. A couple of things, though, I think might be improved.

You only use periods in some parts of the poem. It might look better if you either put in periods at the end of all sentences (well, that'd normally have them), or just left them out entirely. Though, whether you even do this or not is up to you.

Most of the poem is well-worded. There are, though, a few lines where I think a bit of revision might make it flow more easily.
quote:

Incentives are a disaster for me. 
I do not know which are relevant and what not.
"Which are not" would be more correct here.
quote:

Sending information is important 
Provided that other autistic are reached
I'm not quite sure what you meant in the second line. Could you clarify that, please?
quote:

Dealing with others is difficult 
With other people in the specifically
The second line seems rather awkward to me. Also, with the previous line, it is somewhat repetitious.
quote:

Only dealing with people with autism, 
expires normal for me
"Ends normally" might more accurately convey your message.
quote:

I would like that everyone does that
Again, this is a bit wordy. "I would like for everyone to do that" or something similar might be better.
quote:

But one thing that will always
Always do what?

Again, though, I enjoyed the poem. It's quite good, especially since English isn't your first language.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 21
12/4/2009 7:37:44   
BadHulk
Member

Thank you CF for your comment! Time to comment it back...

quote:

Incentives are a disaster for me.
I do not know which are relevant and what not.

"Which are not" would be more correct here.


Actually, it is supposed to be that way. It describes that I cant make out they are relevant or not ;).

Mmm... I assume there would be Autistics there. Forgot an S. But when I meet other people with Autism(Which is 0 atm for my knowlagde)

Well, End normal for me, I wish to use some more difficult words for myself to learn more as English is my 3rd language.(Yes not 2nd.)

And for the last comment: I fixed it. XD
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 22
12/7/2009 14:29:17   
Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy


 Okay, looks good. Just one thing: concerning your first comment, I just want to make sure I made my meaning clear. What I was thinking was, "I do not know which are relevant and which are not."
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 23
12/7/2009 16:14:03   
BadHulk
Member

Hehe doesn't matter CF. You're still dah bomb and my best pall ^^
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 24
4/9/2010 13:19:16   
Red Blizzard
Lv. 100


 Hmmm...as a general feeling, your poems are very straight-forward and open, hiding no secrets from the reader. That makes them both easy to read and a little superficial, no offense. I feel that you could hid a little more meaning within your words to wrap the reader into your poems. I can see good attempts in some poems, such as Sleep, but in general your poems seem a bit synthetic or regular. Try going freestyle with them! It would make them seem more alive if you went with the flow.

Another thing is your use of rhetorical questions. While one or two per poem can be just fine, you sometimes awkwardly phrase them, such as in Depression, or overuse them, such as with In Love. However, I find your use of rhetorical questions to be much more effective with poems suchas Ingorable, where the questions actually fit into the flow of the poem.

Personally, I like the poems False Hope by a Reaper and Autism the best, for their personality. Each poem captures a bit of the times they were meant to be put in, which gives each line a bit of flavor. Keep working on your poems, and you'll go far.
DF  Post #: 25
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