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RE: Myrmidon Rewrites

 
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8/1/2009 11:49:44   
ringulreith
Member

So I see the rewrite bug got to you as well. Well, the old story was great, let's see how this one is...

Curse you FF...
Post #: 101
8/2/2009 0:46:27   
Crimzon5
Member

Hehe, thanks. I was never satisified with old version; it was obvious that an amateur wrote it. Also, a rewrite was written because a small change in plot is needed to continue to the next decade (or... group of 10... decade just sounds cool) of chapters.

As for this one... well, I'm still an amateur but let's see if I can take a step forward this time.

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 8/2/2009 0:51:32 >
AQ DF  Post #: 102
8/2/2009 12:50:16   
Gianna Glow
Member

Rewrites?? Wow, it is true. The best and worse critic you know is yourself! Anyways, havent read it yet, but i'm sure i'll be back!
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 103
8/7/2009 20:45:22   
Crimzon5
Member

Yeah...

reading book critiques help, too, especially if you can see similar flaws with your story
AQ DF  Post #: 104
8/29/2009 0:09:43   
Crimzon5
Member

sorry for the delayed update, I got busy
AQ DF  Post #: 105
8/30/2009 13:13:27   
r0de0b0y
Member

A rewrite? Go you. Read a chapter awhile back, and I can see a big difference. No obvious mistakes from where I'm standing, which means everything went as planned. At times, it becomes confusing, though. The wording in the first few chapters and such. Maybe it's the psuedo-medieval speak, or your vocabulary's gotten a lot better. Last part, I don't get.

quote:

Navith returned to his deadly gaze to the army. “Your hero is gone!” Navith laughed, flaunting his second edge. Dying creatures stared at him, wishing for Death’s embrace to end their moments of pain.


He's just been hurt by the disguised dragon and most of his army has been decimated, yes? Or maybe I'm thinking of something else. Anyways, kudos and cheers and Snickers and all that good stuff. Also, has anyone ever told you how much your works remind them of Code Geass?
AQ DF  Post #: 106
8/30/2009 22:43:35   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

So... rewrites, right, Crimz?

I'll try to look at your rewrite this way: Comparing the rewritten material and the original, taking note along the way. How about it?

1) Prologue.

Improvement. Definite improvement. The original version sounded as if the main character was speaking, while the rewritten implies that it was the character's father who was saying so. The effect of this improvement is twofold: Your character looks less like the pessimistic angsty character who has seen a tad bit more than he should, and the words in question ahs more merit as someone older and wiser had said it.

Final verdict: Definite improvement. Did I say it already?

2) Chapter 1.

I love the smell of retcon early in the morning. Yes, you have done it - retconning the one most glaringly annoying plot hole in the original version that the princess and the Myrmidon were classmates, which gave rise to a host of discrepancies as I have showed you in the critique a few months ago.

Still, I take this as a proof of not everything is better with extending the prose. The ending of the first chapter is actually made worse by adding the exposition below

quote:

His masculine instincts construed her timid personality as a sign of her fondness. For a fact, he did not love the woman. Shaking his head as he walked along the cold cobblestone hall, he reflected about what had just happened. Katrina’s feelings were not returned by Alexander, but not because she was a Demigod, but rather because he wanted a girl whom he had spent his life with – someone else. He wanted someone who was a part of his childhood, and someone whom he loved first; again, he wanted someone else.

Two emotions clashed between his heart and mind. His mind suffered the plaguing fear of his identity being revealed to the public as a result of eventually breaking Katrina’s heart. His heart on the other hand, was burdened by the sympathy that wanted to keep the girl happy.


I must be high on TWHYlight recently, but I am extremely critical of the bolded part. Slow down there, Alexander, slow down there a little! Gratefulness, or even fondness, does NOT translate into love like that! Not the sparkling type, at least. About this the original version did a much better job - by shutting the chapter early, an air of mystery still encircles Alex until the next chapter. See what I mean?

Okay, overall, your prose did become much more flowery between the two versions. Much more abstract and colorful, but that may be your downfall if you press it too far. We don't want prose too purple to detract from the plot, do we? Especially when your plot deals with extremely intriguing drama, you will find that purple prose won't help your cause much in the long run. Think of the audience who read your story for what the plot promises and is put off by the prose too flowery and dragging. Of course, you haven't gone that far yet, but this is just a header.

So... I'll return to this ASAP. Comparing two versions is much more fun than usual critiquing, after all.
DF  Post #: 107
8/31/2009 4:34:34   
Crimzon5
Member

Thanks guys for taking the time.

@r0de0b0y: The thing with Navith is that he's always had the upper-hand, as if he was attached to a precious thing known as the "advantage." When the disguised Dragon took it away from him, of course, he had to panic. Eventually, he was dropped to his back on the ground, the perfect position for a stab in the chest. But as he got up, the trump-card of his enemies just vanished*, giving him the advantage once more. So yeah, the laugh comes with his desperate recover from the trauma.

As for his enemies, what else could they do but wish for a quick death when their only hope ended up to be a false one.

Oh, and as for many of his men being... uhh... back-stabbed... it's not like it matters to him; he's got more.

*Why? It may seem like a Deus Ex Machina (yet this time... for the villain**) but the motives will be revealed in less than 15 chapters... I promise xD

**something not common but done before

@Argeus the Paladin: Heh, thanks. I'll purge the last 2 paragraphs until I can... fix them properly.



< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 8/31/2009 4:36:06 >
AQ DF  Post #: 108
8/31/2009 6:32:46   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi Crimzon!

I've been away from your thread far too long...

Anyways, I decided to pop my head in here to let you know that I've read Act One. Hmm, I liked the beginning very mucho, I would dare to say that your writing has improved still from what I last saw. I think I caught a sense of formality and regality in your style of writing in this story, which makes a perfect match with the subject of demigods, Squires, King's daughters, etc. As contrast to the beginning, imo, the last part of chapter 1 and chapter 2 might need some polishing as I caught only few but still some rough sentences and repetition issues there.

You've got an interesting storyline brewing there and I'm always keen on subjects that have to do with balancing between two (or more) worlds and two (or more) identities.

I wanted to ask if you rather prefer me to read and give some general comments rather than doing my usual detail-butchering? As you very well know already what my critiques can be like and how tediously nitpicky I can be, I thought I might ask if you want to avoid me going over every awkward-in-my-opinion-wording etc.
DF  Post #: 109
8/31/2009 7:48:37   
Crimzon5
Member

Heh, thanks Fabula.

But hey, you always did both, a general comment and then a detailed list of the stuff I did an error in / stuff we can debate on xD
AQ DF  Post #: 110
9/2/2009 16:17:44   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Alas, we shall thus continue with the debating, shan't we? =P

Prologue

All in all I think this was an excellent Prologue for the type of story I think you are building here. As usual, my personal preferences force me to point out a couple of details.

1)
quote:

He looked at the child’s jade eyes, his face streaked with tears shed just recently.

...

The man looked at his child’s eyes, the very window of his soul, one more time.


For more emotional impact, I think changing either one or even both of them to 'gaze/look into.' Imo, 'looked at' sounds a tad too superficial, especially in the latter sentence where you draw out 'the window of his soul.' Imo, the father might 'gaze into the soul of his son' instead of 'glancing at it.' So, with too many words, I'd suggest editing that latter sentence to:
'The man looked into his child's eyes, the very window of his soul...'

2)
quote:

He knew he was not wasting his time for it was known to him bystanders were listening.

Too many instances of one verb in the same sentence, imho. I think it would still sound equally solemn with the middle part cut down:
'He knew he was not wasting his time for he knew bystanders were listening (his every word).'
Your call, as always!

3)
quote:

Up to now their population doesn’t know the meaning of scarce.

Melikes this sentence. Sounds mighty fitting. =P

4)
quote:

He took hundreds of women, impregnating them with his children. But this had led to two problems, one warned about, the other only to be predicted by a brilliant mind.

Only two? I could imagine such a procedure would lead to many problems... I do realise that for what is essential to the story and what the Human here wants to bring out are "just" two, but I still feel this makes the character sound very insensitive towards women. A deity takes/is given hundreds of women to use them in creating demigods, and there's only two problems? This contradicts, imo, what the character says later about him pitying the patriarchs for underestimating the value of women. My easy solution: leave out the 'two'. Then the possibility of whole truckload of problems can remain in the background while the character describes the two most crucial problems:
'But this led to problems, one of them warned about, the other only....'
My opinion only, though.

5)
quote:

As they had conceived the offspring of Arkanthor, those women became time bombs, only to self-destruct when the child is born

Does the tense shift a little here? Shouldn't the last bolded word be in past tense, too: 'when the child was born'?

Okies, that's all for prologue so far. I'll return with comments on chapter 1 later, either editing them here or in a new post depending on where you answer before me or if the list of comments is grows out to be very long. =P
DF  Post #: 111
9/3/2009 8:44:02   
Crimzon5
Member

Thanks Fabula :D

Debate time: Well... he did not say that there were just 2; rather he emphasized them and maybe gave a realization to them. Besides, he isn't insensitive to them; he states that the woman dies if she is a mortal or 0% divine (that's the one that's warned about). Men at those time probably didn't care if they allowed women to die; in fact, they didn't even consider it a problem. But the guy speaking right now lectures that it IS a problem.
AQ DF  Post #: 112
9/3/2009 21:46:03   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hmm, I guess you are right with that, I might have read something to it that wasn't really there. Like interpreting the 'two problems' being exclusively two and no more. I will shut up about that part, then =P

OK, anyways, as I promised and before I forget what I want to say, on to the next part, Blood and Tears.

I'll continue with the details:

1)
quote:

Millions of raindrops poured from the heavens, sharing the grief of Arkanthor’s loss.

It's a strong start, but the ending is a bit confusing, imo. To me it sounds like the loss is grieving as opposed to a living being filled with grief. Could you consider rewording that to be more clear?

2)
quote:

A golden mask hid his face, exposing only his yellow-silver hair, sharp chin, and ears.

Since you already noted that for his mask no one could see his eyes, I think you could omit here the fact that it hid his face.

For example: 'He desired to keep his identity hidden behind his golden mask, for he believed the society wouldn't accept him because of his futile race.'
You could tell about the exposed features in conjuction with the rain, describing for example, how the rain pressed his yellow-silver hair into damp curls against his neck...

Just an idea.

3)
quote:

Droplets of silver water continued to bounce off his silver armor.

Totally your call, but in my opinion this repetition isn't really adding anything. Even more so wehn you have used the word 'silver' also when describing his hair. I'd suggest removing the first instance here.

4)
quote:

Pride could’ve harbored his heart, but he couldn’t accept it.

Since your story has a very formal and regal tone here, I think this could work even better written out without the contraction: 'Pride could have harbored...'

5)
quote:

One-fourth of the two-handed sword was swallowed by earth.

In cast you want to eliminate one of the instances you use 'was', you could easily enough edit this to:
'The earth swallowed one fourth of the two-handed sword.'
Your call!!

6)
quote:

Behind this man and his weapon, rested the corpse of the creature from where the mischief had started.

Since I'm again babbling about repetition, =P, you have used 'weapon' many a times in this one paragraph, so I'm suggesting getting rid of this one. Would 'Behind this man rested the corpse...' be enough here?

7)
quote:

The mud gave a brown color to his leather boots as well the tip of his cloth leggings.

Not sure but 'gave' might be a bit too weak a verb to give justice to this description. How about:
'Brown mud stains smeared his leather boots and ...'

8)
quote:

His hand caught the boy by the neck, securing him in place while his other hand aimed a short sword at his vital neck.

Gettin real nit-picky here, sorry.
Imo, the word 'vital' is unneeded as the vulnerability of the neck is wellknown and actually the extra word takes away a bit of the urgency and danger of the sentence.

9)
quote:

He suspected the reason to be the casualty that they failed to prevent,

Mesuspects the tense should be: 'the casuality they had failed to prevent,...'

10)
quote:

His skin was pale, and his crimson bangs covered a portion of his left eye. A curve-shaped scar marked the skin half an inch below his other.

Might I suggest eliminating one more 'was' and the repetition of one 'skin'?

Eg: 'His crimson bangs covered a portion of his left eye and a curve-shaped scar marked his pale skin half an inch below the other.'
This may be on the verge of getting too cramped a sentence, but I'd make the connection between the 'left eye' and 'the other' clearer.

11)
quote:

“That’s not true!” The silver Myrmidon’s words struck like an assassin’s dagger in the night – they were unexpected.

Imo, this is overexplaining: you don't have to write it out since you just described the same thing with the 'dagger.' So, I think the bolded part could really be omitted.

12)
quote:

“It’s a shame that Koren never had a mother to teach him his manners,” the Sentinel uttered sighing.

A very minor detail. Imo, this could be omitted as usually manners are of general nature and not someone's manners when they are being taught. If he has no manners, how can they be 'his'?

13)
quote:

Feeling a sudden pain on his side, he examined his injury, closing his fingers on the wound left exposed by the hole cracked in his armor.

This extra word confuzzledzz me. The sentence would be clearer without it, imo.

14)
quote:

Princess Katrina’s could be described as a girl with fair skin, long brown hair that cascaded down to her torso, and face treasured with sapphires as her eyes and rose lips that embedded a smile.

Just a typo, I think the 's is unneeded there or there's a word missing. Also, why 'could be described'? Isn't she, in fact, described just like this here? Could you consider a rephrasing/rewording?

15)
quote:

Rain fell on the Demigod; it would have been a disgrace if he was loyalty, but fortunately the said bias of treatment did not apply to mere squires.

Might this be a typo? 'royalty'?

16)
quote:

“…Please, oh please do show me your face. Oh please!”

My opinion only, but repeating 'oh please' so many a times may risk losing the impact of the pleading words here. Might I suggest removing the first 'oh' here? That would also enhance the repetition of 'please' in the beginning if they are not separated with 'oh' and give more weight to the last 'Oh'.

17)
quote:

The command gave the Sentinel a sudden pulse, an uncontrollable urge to carryout the command.

The word 'command' gets repeated quite a lot in this paragraph. I wonder if you would consider editing this particular sentence a bit. For example:
'The command gave the Sentinal a sudden pulse, an uncontrollable urge to obey.'
would rid you of the second 'command' quite easily.

18) As a general note on technicalities, you employ the words 'appeared' and 'could be' quite often. I think this sometimes drains out a little impact out of what you describe. Imo, it would leave a stronger impact to describe thing as they 'are' and how they 'function' as opposed to how they 'appear' or how they 'could be' something. So, I would suggest that you make sure you absolutely need to include those words when you use them. For example:
quote:

Her lips appeared to be heart-shaped from his angle, and her eyes appeared to be shut.

Imo, the last one works as her eyes may or may not be shut but he sees them that way. However, I think the first one doesn't need the 'appeared'-part because that shape is what he sees:
'Her lips looked heart-shaped from his angle, and her eyes appeared to be shut.'
Possibly not the optimal suggestion, though.

19)
quote:

The end of her short paused halted him from replying.

There's probably some editing-mishap on the loose with this sentence.

20)
quote:

Without waiting for her reply, and not wanting to hear it either, he put on his mask and left the door.

Umm, 'left through the door' or 'left the room'?


21) Quoteless note. I was hoping a bit more interaction between Katrina and Alexander before the situation and mood changes so that he has to storm off. It just feels a bit too sudden development right now. There's nothing wrong with him suddenly storming off, mind you, my problems with this comes from the shortness of the scene before that. If their interaction before the change is as short as it is, I find it hard to think there would be enough tension to warrant him storming off. Uhm, I must be making no sense what so ever right now. =P

That's all for now, I hope my opinionated blabbering was at least a tad helpful to you.
Carry on writing and I shall return!
DF  Post #: 113
9/6/2009 8:46:32   
Crimzon5
Member

1)
spoiler:

As revealed... in a few paragraphs, a princess dies. She's a demigod; a descendant of Arkanthor. He lost a child, so it's a loss


2) Changed to: The rain adhered his strands of yellow-silver hair together. Droplets gathered on his sharp chin before sliding down to his neck.

3) slight change: The rain weakened a bit; droplets of silver water continued to bounce off his armor.

19) *removes the d*

21) Err... I'll leave like that for now. Just remember, explanations to that scene will be given at the next chapter


Man, so many typos... usually happens when editing instead of starting from scratch >.<

Thanks Fabula!

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 9/6/2009 8:47:15 >
AQ DF  Post #: 114
9/7/2009 8:41:07   
Crimzon5
Member

Anyways, did some edits to the 2nd chapter of Act1
AQ DF  Post #: 115
9/15/2009 9:28:18   
Crimzon5
Member

Update! Last Part of Act 2 posted. Guess Act 3 will be next, man did I enjoy writing that one; rewriting will be even more fun!
AQ DF  Post #: 116
9/19/2009 13:18:43   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hiyas!

I'll continue by commeting Chapter 2 =)

Regarding point 21) in the previous comments, yes you are right, it does work out equally well, imo, when you give the explanations in the beginning of the next chapter. However, since there's the chapter break, I think it's important to tie the beginning to the previous very tightly. I feel like this because many readers are likely to take breaks from reading between chapters. Therefore, if any questions would arise from the abrupt behaviour of the Myrmidon in the previous chapter, it'd be good to point back to it when giving the explanations later.

You are doing exatcly this in the first sentence here, so that's already being taken care of to a degree:
1)
quote:

A man would take those gestures as a hint of a woman’s admiration. Though the Myrmidon knew the speculation was egoistic, the possibly nonetheless ever remained. However, this man’s interest in the princess failed to attach him in place.

However, I'd personally make the link even clearer by, for example editing the tense to:
'A man would have taken those gestures as a hint...'
It might be just me, but I feel this could further define that we are now talking about those gestures we just read about. You could even give out the name of the woman:
'A man would have taken Katrina's gestures as a hint... '

Me suspects the 'possibly' holds a typo and should be 'possibility'.

2)
quote:

Sometimes, a man for no reason would do regrettable things with consequences.

Wouldn't regrettable things have consequences as a rule? To me, this sentence is unneccessarily vague, with the non-specific words 'Sometimes', 'things', and 'a man'.
How about:
'Sometimes, a man would commit to regrettable deeds without a reason.'
My suggestion is not any clearer, I'm afraid, but it's a bit shorter.

3)
quote:

Not knowing what his feelings meant, his actions interpreted them as a solemn melancholy.

This is a sentence that is really unclear to me. How can actions interpret something? Do you mean:
'Not knowling what his feelings meant, he acted as if they were products of solemn melancholy.' ?
Also, I'm suspecting that 'melancholy' would be an uncountable noun, so the article could go.

4)
quote:

The Myrmidon’s legs headed the gate’s ward.

Hmm, 'headed towards the'?

5)
quote:

“Sir,” a familiar Human voice called. The voice belonged to his Human squire, the warrior whom he had stood for against Koren.

It's your call, but I don't think repeating the word 'voice' so soon adds to this. It seems a bit odd word to stress out here, so I'd suggest changing it to 'It', allthough that is a bit dull pronoun, it'd be real handy in here, imo.

6)
quote:

One thing Alexander loved about his squire was his readiness to jump into action, something which unfortunately fades with experience.

Lol, I'm getting really nitpicky here now, but 'loved' seems a bit unfitting and casual word in comparison to the overall mood and style so far. How about changing it to 'valued', 'respected' or 'appreciated'? Imho, those words would fit better in the general style of writing you have used so far.

7)
quote:

“Yes Sir. It’s him. That would be the only reason for a Human such as I being informed first; I was the first person had seen.

Methinks there might be a word missing.

8)
quote:

An uncontrollable smile appeared on the Myrmidon’s face.

Sorry, I'm nitpicking again, but I read this wrong everytime. As opposed to not being able to keep himself from smiling, I'm interpreting this particular wording as there were something wrong with his smile... Most likely just me, though. Anyways, I'd suggest rewording the sentence to something like:
'The Myrmidon couldn't help but smile.'
or
'Instinctively, a broad smile appeared on the Myrmidon's face.'

9)Quoteless note. I loved the display of masked emotion in the end of the scene, especially the mentioning of the flower in a very non-over-dramatic way! Small words, lots of emotion.

Scene 2
10)
quote:

Behind one of the local taverns were two steeds, shadowed by the tall buildings.

Since you have quite a lot of 'was'es following this sentence, it would be a good idea, imho, to change this to describe what the horses are doing and to cut down the usage of that pretty non descriptive verb.
For example:
'Behind one of the local taverns stood/grazed two steeds, ...'

11)
quote:

“On the bright side, it’s not a unicorn. So I guess the women might not think that you’re gay.” Alexander spurred his horse to ride off.

Honestly, I'm a little baffled as to where this came from, it seems a little incongruous (see me using a word I learnt from Firefly's story =P) with the dialogue and manner of speaking these two have been shown using so far. I wonder what Asher's reaction to this was. Was he as baffled as I am? Maybe you could add something about that?

12)
quote:

The downpour left its traces on the landscape.

Me suspects the correct tense would be 'had left'.

13)
quote:

The cavern gave two sounds. When they had approached the entrance, they were greeted by the sound of a whirling wind that resounded from within the cave. Nature’s second voice spoke much weaker. A few droplets of water slid off the cavern’s ceiling, creating an echoing beat.

I like how you have described the ambience here with sound. However, I'd remove the first sentence here and dilute it into the rest. It's my preference only, but I'd rather read there were two sounds through their description as opposed to first being told there will be two shortly described. Imo, the underlining that there are two voices is somewhat unneccessary. So, my suggestion for edit would be:
'When they had approached the entrance, the cavern greeted them by the sound of a whirling wind that resounded from within the cave. Nature’s second voice spoke much weaker. A few droplets of water slid off the cavern’s ceiling, creating an echoing beat.'
This would also rid you of one passive voice. You know how I like animated, active nature. =P

14)
quote:

They had ventured so deep that there was not any longer a trace of natural light.

Just a minor detail. Imho, this is an unneccessarily wordy way to put such a simple thing as 'no longer'.

15)
quote:

The squire could do nothing but wait as the two conversed.

How so? He could kick some rocks... You could elaborate on as to why he couldn't do anything, imo. Was it too dark? Was it for rigorous training and respect that he would be ready to stand immobile for hours if required? The elaboration doesn't even have to be a long one, imo, it's just that I'd like to know why...and it's a good opportunity to characterize Asher further. =)

16)
quote:

“Ahh, oh yes.” Before continuing, the professor curled and played with the strands of his mustache.

This is another detail I'm most likely interpreting the wrong way. The way this is now worded makes me think like he would be deliberately doing this, as opposed to it being a habit. Like I sometimes deliberately play with my hair. =P So, if he is doing this instinctively, I'd suggest rewording the hint of causality away from the sentence. For example:
'The professor stood silent for a while, absentmindedly curling strands of his mustache around his fingers.'

17)
quote:

I would love to elaborate on the process, but I know you would fall asleep before I could even finish.

Heh, I'm nitpicking again. I'd remove that 'even' because 'finish' would indicate the Myrmidon would be able to listen for quite a long time before he would fall asleep, whereas 'even' refers to me to some earlier point. So, to me, 'before I was even half-way though it' would work with 'even' and the 'before I could finish' would work with out it. Just my warped opinion, though.

18)
quote:

The blade was cut in half, and the small gap between the two edged regions was where the light radiated from.

Again, if you want to vary your verbs a bit -- as you tend to use a lot of thoses 'was'es when you describe objects such as weapons -- you could edit this to , eg:
'The blade was cut in half, and the light radiated from the small gap between the two edged regions.'

19)
quote:

“May I remind you to go on with what you were about to say,” the Sentinel requested with a rather sarcastic tone. He eyed the weapon, enthralled by its marvelous details. His desire to obtain the weapon grew as the green laser swirled like a pillar of flame caught within a plague-sent vortex. So these are the weapons of light my drunk superior was talking about.

As the word 'weapon' gets repeated here quite a few times, I'd suggest changing for example this bolded one to 'it' or to some other suitable word.


I think those were all the comments I got for chapter 2. I hope I didn't dissect your story too eagerly... And my deepest apologies for all un-accounted-for typos I made here. My spellcheck seems to have switched off by its own account and refuses to be switched on.
DF  Post #: 117
9/22/2009 9:38:58   
Crimzon5
Member

Thanks Fabula. Applying corrections now.

*Man, I left many errors there... *blames school**

2) Changed to: Sometimes, a man would commit deeds against his motives, an action without any foreseeable advantages

4) For a sake of a better picture; changed to: The Myrmidon’s legs steered him toward the staircase’s gate.

5) That makes me not wanna use 'it'; changed to: “Sir,” a familiar Human voice called, whose vocals hinted the possession of his Human squire, the soldier whom he had stood for against Koren.

6) Changed to: One aspect of the young man Alexander recognized and appreciated about his squire was his readiness to jump into action, something which unfortunately fades with experience.

9) W00t! +1 Good job to Crimzon xD

10) Changed to: Two steeds grazed behind one of the local taverns.

11) Added: Asher responded with an awkward smile and followed.

15) Added: He slid his feet, hoping to find a rock that he could kick, but was without luck.

19) Changed to device

Heh, thanks again Fabula. *Maybe I should include /all/ of Alexander's weapons in his character pic
spoiler:

He'll replace his weapon with an upgrade from time to time




< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 9/22/2009 10:06:40 >
AQ DF  Post #: 118
9/26/2009 6:35:42   
Crimzon5
Member

Alright then... Act 3 started
AQ DF  Post #: 119
10/1/2009 8:09:04   
Crimzon5
Member

Updated.

Act 3 will be longer than 1 and 2... so expect 2 more parts... :D
AQ DF  Post #: 120
10/25/2009 1:30:39   
bobby1013852
Member

great work man i just read up till 10 chapter now and its amazing so far
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 121
10/25/2009 4:20:47   
Crimzon5
Member

This thread is still alive?

Hehehe, I abandoned this for now and worked on the rewrites: http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=16425289

But heh, thanks; glad you enjoyed it :D
AQ DF  Post #: 122
10/25/2009 7:14:50   
Crimzon5
Member

part 2 of rebecca's story has been added

FYI: here's how the Sentinel looks: http://i290.photobucket.com/albums/ll271/g3ev/Sentinel.jpg

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 10/25/2009 7:32:14 >
AQ DF  Post #: 123
10/25/2009 13:40:00   
Gianna Glow
Member

Merged as requested! Its looking good Crimz! Sorry I haven been in here in forever, I'll be back soon just to read and cheer on soon, I promise! :D
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 124
10/28/2009 8:50:33   
Crimzon5
Member

Heh, thanks GG :D

Bad news though: my computer with the files of the story is kinda busted... gotta do some tweaks to make it start up again D:
AQ DF  Post #: 125
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