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RE: (DF/HS) Library of Shadows

 
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12/28/2011 19:26:25   
ChainSword
Member

As a matter of fact, I read Shadowed Past today, and really liked the story.
While personally I spend more time explaining characters and surrounding location (3 long chapters, and practically nothing has happened yet), but it's not problem with your story, since not only places in story are already familiar to players of DF, but since the story progresses in 1st person, protagonist herself explains just enough information required for every situation, and the story kind of progresses with it's own weight, on fitting speed.

I noticed that you've took time to think the story's plot through, as independent scenes don't take too long, fight sequences had enough details and "flow" in them, and parts that had less importance, such as days spent in prison, were "skipped", concentrating on few details, such as what guards and other prisoners thought of her, and cutting through rest of the time with montage-like "skip".

As for few characters, I'd doubt that Rolith, Artix and Konnan are old enough to have been captain 10 years ago already, capable paladin enough to leave stronger Necromancers to him, and to be Yulgar's apprentice, all respectively. That's why the part of "Story taking place 10 years before DF" seemed bit odd to me, since it doesn't seem to have any relevance to anything, but if it will eventually, I understand.

I know newb writer like me am wring person to say this, but you seem like good writer, and while your story is already pretty good, it has potential to be great.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 101
12/28/2011 20:17:26   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


@Mort Ahh, thats a mistake. Originally I forgot she was Tigerlady, and when I went back to fix the other one I forgot to fix that. Done now. Fixed the WHy and HP/FR, I'll admit its forced and only because I didn't want to type it out.

@Mirtha Its fine, I know you guys are busy :) and thanks!

@Chain
Heh, I have been thinking this over for months, the beginning at least was finished quiet a bit ago in my head.
As for the ten years ago... the only reason I did that is Shadow needs time to defeat the 100 necro's and face Seppy BEFORE DF plot starts. I'll admit, those three don't make sense- I'll change it too 'a few years back' then, and hopefully the quick-event DF time stream will forgive me!
And a) your not a newb and b) Thank You!
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 102
12/28/2011 20:18:34   
Mortarion
Member

Glad to help you Shadow *tips my hat to you and leaves* Can't wait for more. Got an estimate for next chapter by the way?

< Message edited by Mortarion -- 12/28/2011 20:25:32 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 103
12/28/2011 21:33:12   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


@Mort I do not- I'm not even sure what I'm doing next! I hope to have one in a few days, BUT with school coming up in a week that may not happen
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 104
12/28/2011 21:34:39   
Mortarion
Member

Ok, I mean, I guess that's the problem when you are a great writter, you end up making people want for more
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 105
1/4/2012 16:10:18   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


Kay, new chapter! And now for my notes.

(first note is I have a critique thread- shameless promotion)

The first note is on the armor: I came up with this in class, and since I have no armor experience, am not sure if it is realistic. I wikipedia'ed it a bit, so I hope it isn't ridicules... any armor savvy readers- or anyone with an opinion- your comments would be greatly appreciated.

The second note is on what Chain said about me writing in first person (and his dislike of it in a different thread). I hadn't noticed that I used that style, as quite frankly I don't know the difference between first, second and third person. I write in whatever mode seems most comfortable, and I guess first person is. This may have to do with the fact that I view Shadow as myself and am therefore narrating what I see in my head through her eyes, but I don't know. Don't be surprised if I swap persons frequently, as again I use whichever come naturally (and anyone wanting to point out the differences between them in layman's terms I would greatly appreciate it.)

The last note is on what sort of story this is. This is basically a redemption story, with some journey into the mind thrown in as Shadow tries to find herself and her place in the world after her life changed. As for that last part, it can be simplified into a song: Raven's Fear (also my siggy link). That is why I have Shadow thinking so often- though I may make the story have more action later (and once I get good at action scenes...)
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 106
1/4/2012 17:16:44   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


*The shadows stir.*

You didn't think I had forgotten about you? Although I must admit, I was not expecting you to return to this story again.

I apologozie beforehand if I do not get through the whole chapter. *cracks knuckles*


quote:

I walked across the Necropolis clearing to get a potion from my bag. Though Artix used a dulled blade for our sparring match's, the sword strikes still hurt. I had many a bruise, though reportedly not as many as expected. It seemed fending for oneself with no more than a tree branch in Doomwood was good practice for actual fighting. At the very least, I wasn't as weak as normal wannabe adventure's.


adventurers

quote:

I nodded, and we got started. There were many different different move's that a Paladin learned, and many more that were just improvised. The one's I used the most were: Zeal (a move that was light spell-uppercut-downstrike), Combo (light spell-spinstrike-uppercut-downstrike), Phoenix (summon a bird of light from the Light Plane to hit for you- or shield you, or blind your opponent- and then hit with an uppercut-jump back), Swords (summon many different swords of light to strike opponents- my favorite, because as a mage I could forces the swords and make them do much for damage then usual), and Spear (transform your weapon into a spear and toss it- Artix's favorite move). One other move I invented and used were: Portal (a spell that opened a portal to the Light Plane and concentrated the light into an attack), Sun (a spell that summoned a ball of light to hit and blind enemies), and of course I used all the usual mage spells. Besides these moves I learned their components: Spinstrike, Uppercut, Downslash, Empower (infuse weapon with light energy), Heal spells (either light-healing or vampire style) and Resistance spells (darkness and magic resistance); many of which I used either by themselves or with other moves. Besides these were just mage moves: Light, fireball, iceball, energy bolt, wind strike, powrerup, multihit, and death spell (death really just a powerful spell), and of course my dark energy attacks. I was more mage-y then most Paladins, but at the heart I was a mage first and Paladin second, which is why I used a staff to fight. Not that Artix agreed with this idea....


moves, as a mage I could force the swords to seek their targets and use it more effective than the case was with others/Artix, Other moves, in combination with other moves, power up, than.

I think this is too much summing up her abilities, show them by letting her use the moves in a fight or you will bore readers and take away some of their surprises if she uses them later on in your story.

quote:

You see, when I trained as a child I used a tree branch I carved into a staff. But since that wouldn't anything, over time I added bits of metal to the staff to form to blades on it:

do any decent/real damage, two?

quote:

A sword staff works like a two regular swords joined at the hilt, just with less edge to cut yourself on. It may not be entirely practical, but its better than any alternative I can think of


quote:

I think we would need to see Yulgar for that- and we need to go to him anyways for your Paladin armor."
Yes, I wasn't wearing any armor, just my usual black shirt and slacks. "I though you made that armor yourself and just lugged it around with you."
Artix gave a me a are-you-serious look and replied, "No, I commission Yulgar to make the armor, usually before the trainee is done training, and then present it to them once they graduate. Your close enough to finishing that this would be an excellent way to knock out two birds with one stone."
"Okay then. But where is Yulgar?"
"Where else? Falconreach, the hero capital of Lore."
I grinned broadly at the thought of going to such a famous place, then frowned. Seeing my expression, Artix queried, "What is the matter?"
"The hero capital part. There are quite a few people who would like to see me dead, and quite a few hero's who would kill me just to get the money for it."


anyway, thought, You are, heroes, gold (optional)

quote:

The only place I could go was Hunter's Paradise, as that was a den of robbers as well as adventurer's, and no one cared about the rumor's floating around about me. Indeed, the only initiation I required was to tell different stories about how I lived and hunted in Doomwood even as a small child- they seem to like my story of defeating a Gorrilipant at age six (it was wounded, but still!)- so I became an honorary adventurer there as well. But Falconreach? No way, too big, too dangerous.


adventurers, rumors, seemed

quote:

Here in Doomwood where its dark that works, but sunny Falconreach will reveal me."

quote:

I walked of to where my stuff was, and pulled out a worn spell book from my bag. I had purchased it, from a rural village where it was too dark to see who I was, with some money I earned during different jobs at Hunter's Paradise. In it were several spells I mostly knew, and a few that were new and useful. My favorite's were the flying spell, teleportation one (my teleportation was barely passible), an item strengthening spell, and a cloaking I had been working on. That spell wouldn't cast right, and ended up making me green or invisible (parts of me at least) and just in general messing up. I decided that instead of trying to get a 'normal' look I would just shoot for how I used to appear- granted, amber eyes, white skin and jet-black hair weren't normal, but passable at least. Concentrating hard, I started to chant the incantation.

it is, off, breaking up a sentence, favorites, smiles for a moment
quote:

A veil of light surrounded me, and when it faded I looked down at myself. My shirt was now purple with trailing sleeves, and my pants were much more tailored then I could afford. But the best part was that my skin was back to being white, and... I looked up and asked Artix, "Are my eyes normal looking now?"
"There amber and human, if that's what you mean, yes. That should be suitable for Falconreach."
I nodded. "So when do we leave?"
"Right now if you wish, I had nothing else planned."
"Then lets go!" I said, jumping up and stuffing my stuff into my knapsack and positioning my staff back on my back, before swinging my knapsack over it. I used some rope to make a holder for the staff, much like a sword holder, so that I didn't have to carry it or put it in my bag. The staff was long- it came up a few inches under my shoulder- but it was something I was accustomed to doing. So setting things in order, Artix and I set off towards the home of the hero's, Falconreach.

than, They are/They're, Falconreach, the home of heroes.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 107
1/4/2012 18:29:04   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


Thank you DD! Corrected. And no, I don't blame you for not finishing the chapter, its long (and I didn't think I would return either, but Shadow wouldn't stop pestering me).
As for the moves, that is a guide for me honestly, so I don't have to run to DF to check the moves (or AQ- Portal is Luminencor 9th skill). It is merely the basis, and I plan on adding skills and improvising on them- but as battles are my weak point, that may not happen... I will try to give effort to making the fights interesting.
"smiles for a moment" What? The normal thing or the incantation?
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 108
1/5/2012 7:43:12   
ChainSword
Member

I said I disliked 1st person stories?
*Goes to search*
...I said I disliked 1st person in comparison to 3rd. I see a difference there... Well, be that as it may, your story fits in 1st person.
quote:

"Great! Just let me gather my things." I did so, and we started the hike through Doomwood
That's ingenious yet so simple way to continue the scene. I would have written "I said, and after doing so, we started to hike through Doomwood.", but that's because I wouldn't have figured to use your way. I gotta remember that style..
quote:

The fact that Artix had trained me didn't help my chances, as he knew every move I would use, and I probably hadn't seen all of his.
Missed that "I".
quote:

"And I still have a hundred necro's out there..." I said softly, but I think Artix heard me.
After a pause, he said, "If you need any recommendations, I know a few necro's that are just ripe for defeating."
On first one, it's "necros", although I personally would change it to "necromancers". Racial discrimination aside, I personally just think that word "necro" sounds odd. Especially in comparison to "necromancer".
On second one, try "I know few ones that..." or simply "I know few that...".

Overall, Shadow has interesting mindscape. Her whole life people around her have discriminated and hated her due to her looks, so it's not much sort of a miracle that instead of hating pretty much rest of humanity, she agreed herself to be evil and that she deserves the hate. Add that with the incident where she unleashed her inner power, destroying the village, it's surprising that she still sides with good, figthing evil in order too prove her right to live, both to others and to herself. One needs to give it some thought, but if you do, you can see how interesting -even if sad- mind she has.

< Message edited by ChainSword -- 1/5/2012 11:17:37 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 109
1/5/2012 14:31:28   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


1st Person is when the entire story is from the P.O.V. of a single character. While this allows the reader to feel very close to the character that the story revolves around, it is also limiting to only that perspective.

2nd Person is when the story is being told to another character from their P.O.V. I don't know much about this one, as it isn't often used and I rarely see it.

3rd Person is my personal favorite and is probably the most common. This is when the story is told from an all knowing P.O.V. The story is often told from different characters, delving into each of their thoughts and perspectives.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 110
1/5/2012 17:07:05   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


@Chain ahhh, kay. And use whatever style works best for you... that just is natural for me (not that I wouldn't like someone following my style ). Fixed- how did I miss that twice? As for the necro thing, your right, that was just me being to lazy to spell it and not knowing how to the first time I wrote this- they're changed now.
Yes, she always has been hated, and has grown up thinking that it was natural, never knowing the difference. By the time she realized how wrong she was, the accident happened... proving everyone right and afferming that she was evil. Though everyone wants to be accepted, to be a part of reality, and thats what drives her to be good and not evil- that and her moral code that she uses to keep her evilness at bay. She knows full well there isn't much needed to make her snap, so she stays away from others in case that ever happens... and to give her less reasons to snap.
Anyways, I hope I can write her mindscape well, but as she is really just a darker me, it shouldn't be very hard to at least make it sound real... my worry is her sounding whiny.

@Mirtha Thank you. I guess I stay in first person the most often, but seeing as all these guys are author avatars to some degree (though hopefully not as annoying as they usually are... or bland) it come the most naturally... I describe what I see and feel through Shadow. I may use more third person when other non-NPC's show up, but it may just be first person swapping to different character (would that count as third then? Hmm. What I mean is the same style, just instead of Shadow I use Night or Moonlight)
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 111
1/5/2012 17:34:51   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


I believe that would still be in first person. If the story was more distant in describing action, detail, and thought from an overall P.O.V. and not focusing solely one character at a time, then it would switch to third.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 112
1/23/2012 12:59:32   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


With the forum update, I have an update of my own: As The Outcast is actual fiction (regardless of any crossovers I make in these stories...) the discussion for it is now moved to this thread.

And before anyone asks about an update, I will simply say I'm swamped in schoolwork and leave it at that.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 113
2/5/2012 23:04:43   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


Well, school or not I have a new story in other prose.

But, promotion aside, I'm here ti make an announcement as well: I am going to try and have a new chapter in one of my 4 stories once per week. New story and Shadowed Past mainly, though Outcast and Ravens Shadow may get updates as well. Just fwi
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 114
2/16/2012 3:35:51   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


Well, don't have a chapter yet- but I do have a picture. Here is a picture of Shadow in her armor- in light and disguised (in the dark its more black and harder to draw). This is one that Serenity Okami (http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=19786284 her showcase) of Shadow in usual disguise.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 115
2/18/2012 5:06:50   
Glais
Member

Currently read the intro and chapter 1 of Shadowed Past. I must say it is...very depressing, which kinda makes it difficult for me to mentally picture it in DF. But...dang, those townspeople REALLY hate her.

Hm, so Alteon's daughter dies? Guess this is sort of your own canon then?
DF MQ  Post #: 116
2/18/2012 15:34:27   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


Yay, new reader! Ya, its a very dark story, so not very DF-y in that respect. The middle chapters may have more of the humor DF is known for, but at best I don't think it would be lighter then RL or the Water/Fire saga. The second part of the story- that is actually DURING DF storyline, should be better I think. And yes, yes they do.

And yes it is- both the town and Lily I made up so as to not kill of an actual daughter of Alteon. Its easier that way.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 117
2/18/2012 15:38:56   
Helixi
Member

I've glanced over your prologue/intro and chapter one and it looks OSSUM. I'll have to read it fully when I get the chance. :D
AQ DF  Post #: 118
2/18/2012 15:43:28   
Glais
Member

Ohhh I see, so you made a new daughter so it would fit better. S technically, it could work in DF anyways.

And well, I'm only on chapter two so I suspect it will continue to get better.
DF MQ  Post #: 119
2/24/2012 22:04:24   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


Well, hate to bring bad news, but can't help it.

I won't have a lot of time to use a comp starting pretty soon, and for Lent I won't be on at all besides Sundays. Maybe. I may update, but if I don't reply to a post, thats why. Don't want you guys to think I'm ignoring you, but I can't help it if I'm not around.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 120
2/29/2012 3:06:10   
Glais
Member

Read chapter 3, interesting fight. Wouldn't have expected an Undead Gryphon escape.

And cool to see she will...hopefully, gain her freedom.
DF MQ  Post #: 121
2/29/2012 13:22:22   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


Yep, necromancers need some transport when they're losing. Especially cowards.
Yes, hopefully... if the task doesn't kill her. Or the citizens who want her hanged.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 122
5/22/2012 0:21:31   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


Well, it seems I can't stick to stuff... or my imagination just doesn't want to work with me.

In any case, I have a new tale, Forgetting the Shadows. Yes yes, I know I have two others I need to update... but I wanted a change. Speaking...

This is a HS fanfic, instead of my old DF, and here's why: a) superpowers and b) more creative freedom, as making up stuff for a new game is easier. Plus, I don't have to tie it to my other characters.

In short, a chance for something new. Why no new thread? I would lose track of it...

Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy, and yes, I will try and update frequently once school ends!
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 123
5/22/2012 4:09:59   
Shadowlord9k
Member

I'm glad that I decided to look at this topic randomly, I'll read your newest story first. So for any genius decided to read the comments before the story, SPOILERS BELOW. 

Interesting intro post, it certainly sets up great things.

Wouldn't it be a bit smarter to try to hide in the forest? Limited sight and range would benefit you more than your pursuers. 

quote:

 nor to treat the wound on my face that was blinded me.

That doesn't sound right to me, although It could just be that I'm reading this at 1am and my brain is making things sounds strange.

A river seems like a downgrade from the woods, less cover and it's probably a fair bit brighter out there.

You were close. Oh well good story.

Wait there's more?

Sad flashback... Hope the unnamed sister is not dead though.

I'm not sure if I should make a Hulk joke here...

Wouldn't wings just drag you down though? 


Nice story so far overall, I'm definitely gonna keep tabs on this one.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 124
5/22/2012 8:19:27   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


Random checking of posts can wield interesting results... I would know.

It would, if they weren't five feet behind her- they could easily catch her if she slowed down.

That was odd- I'll fix it. Later.

Yes, the river edge would- however swimming in a dark river at night should confuse them a bit.

Unnamed sister's fate is unknown... meaning I haven't decided yet. May need her later, may not.

Joke away, I realized the similarity when writing (unintentional).

Thanks, hope you enjoy.

They would if they were feather wings- but bat wings are mostly water-proof, and she can 'fly' underwater with them.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 125
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