Helixi
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Yes, I got my new title a few days ago, thanks for noticing.
First thing; remove 'key=?' from the link address. It'll stop all the question marks in the document being highlighted.
Righto! Onto your critique proper!
So you know the format of my critiques:
Title of chapter/post
quote:
Quote from the story/poem here. Mistakes will be in bold and numbered.
List of criticisms underneath.
1. Crit here.
2. Crit here.
etc.
Chapter 1.
quote:
“1. Who’s job did you say was life threatening and dangerous; and who is now dead?” He thought. There was a knock at the door. Varen turned to his door and 2. shouted ‘Come in!’
1. This is the contraction of 'who is'. The word 'whose' goes here. It's a simple mistake to make, don't worry.
2. There should be a comma after 'shouted'.
quote:
Varen pulled out a large black case from his cupboard placing it on his bed, so he could speak to Twilly. Varen itched his short nose.
The phrase 'placing it on his bed' doesn't make sense in the context of the sentence as it is. You can either make the sentence, 'Varen pulled out a large black case from his cupboard, placing it on his bed so he could talk to Twilly,' or 'Varen pulled out a large black case from his cupboard and placed it on his bed so he could talk to Twilly.
quote:
Traders, merchant’s even soldiers pass through here to make a profit, and then there are all the people who are here to stay, plus the people coming back here to see their family!
The apostrophe in 'merchant' is unnecessary. The merchant isn't possessing anything in the sentence, nor is it a contraction. Other than that, you're simply missing a comma or connective here. It should either be, 'Traders, merchants, even soldiers pass through here..' or, 'Traders, merchants and soldiers pass through here..'
quote:
“What in god’s name is a Pactogram?”
Surely it should be something like, 'What in The Avatars' name is a Pactogram?' or 'What in Lorithia's name is a Pactogram?' (Not sure if Lorithia is in DF; my lore is a little rusty.)
quote:
It was about a metre in length
This technically isn't a criticism, but imo a metre is a tad short for a sword. I'd suggest looking on Wikipedia for a general background and then moving to specialist sites. These might be LARPing sites, Historical Re-enactment etc.
quote:
He had bought it for a hefty price of off a stranger completely cloaked and veiled.
1. saying ‘Twenty eight thousand for an axe? What madman would sell anything at that price? What was so special about that axe anyway? Why has he got that cloak?’ The man kept on grumbling on until he was beyond earshot.
1. There should be a comma before every speech. Also, Icwutudidthar.
quote:
So it was that through the whole morning, no news came from the man Twilly wanted to find. The afternoon went on similarly until just as Varen was about to get lunch a man came running up to him. He seemed pretty frantic and it was like he wanted to shout something at someone1. ; which he proceeded to do so.
1. '...which he proceeded to do so,' is not a main clause, so this semi-colon should be a comma or you should change it to a main clause.
quote:
he knew never to cut a hydras head off or it will replace it with two new ones. As Varen was about to jump into the murky depths the creature let out a wail.
I get what you're trying to say in the first sentence, but it's a bit badly worded. I'd suggest, '..he knew never to behead a hydra as it would simply grow two more.'
quote:
He sheathed his silver, two handed, blood stained sword, and clenched his fist.
Never, never, never do this with a sword! They should always be cleaned off before being sheathed or they get damaged.
Chapter 2.
quote:
"Hiyas! 1. Varen have you met Drake yet 2. He’s cool he saved the priestess twice!” Varen looked worryingly at Drake. The Priestess' real name was Lady Celestia. She was a kind lady who lived in a small cottage in the far west. She studied dragon magic and various other types of magic, such as the magic of perfect tea, and the wisdom of the tea cup. If anyone was involved with her, then it meant one of two things. One, you are very important and have a talent with dragon magic, or two; you want to know how to make a good cup of tea. Varen assumed it was the first. Drake spoke again.
1. Names are followed by a comma, iirc. I can't remember the exact rule off the top of my head though, so feel free to ignore this.
2. 'He's cool, he saved the priestess twice!'
quote:
He was almost always in the 1. guardian 2. tower, a great stone behemoth-of-a2. -tower.
1. This is a place, so it should be Guardian Tower.
2. Repeating 'tower' twice in the space of a sentence sounds clumsy. I would suggest making the sentence, 'He was almost always in the Guardian Tower, a great stone behemoth on the edge of the town."
quote:
“Varen! Long time no see!” He said shaking Varen’s hand hard.
'He said', is a main clause. '..shaking Varen's hand hard', is a subordinate clause. The sentence should read, 'He said, shaking Varen's hand hard.'
quote:
1. Guardians are an ancient order of knights, who were trained to protect and keep the peace. They all wore the same standard armour; a squire or a knight helmet, 2. basic armour pieces to cover your body and a large, spiked two handed sword. 3. Very few people have ever tried to take on the guardians in their own tower, and all the ones that have, ended up dead.
1. This sentence should not be in the present tense. It should read, 'The Guardians were an ancient order of knights who were trained to protect and keep the peace.'
2. I've never been a fan of this 'talk to the reader' thing. It's fine in something like, say, Deadpool, which regularly breaks the fourth wall, but in my opinion this writing style doesn't sit well with the genre. I'd suggest changing it to, "...basic armour pieces to cover a man's/the/one's body."
3. 'Very few people had ever tried to take on the Guardians in their own tower; all the ones that had been foolish enough to try were dead.'
quote:
In the Surewould forest,1. East of Falconreach was a figure of a skeleton with no flag attached.
1. 'East of Falconreach' is a subordinate clause and so should be surrounded by commas.
quote:
He sighed placing his hands on top of his head.
You're missing a comma between 'sighed' and 'placing'.
quote:
The guardians were skilled fighters, but if an enemy had that many troops, then there would be losses. Varen nodded.
How many losses? The Guardian tower holds only a few, from what I've seen running around it in game. I'm expecting massive losses with an enemy that big.
quote:
It’s like I have the avatars of the elements sitting at my dinner table.
No it isn't. Avatars are nearly omnipotent beings, The Hero is just a human.
quote:
His mind ran around in circles, everything that had happened before suddenly having a reason and meaning.
This whole sentence doesn't make sense. I'd suggest changing it to, 'His mind ran in circles; everything Drake had done previously made sense.'
quote:
1. They said that one day a time of great evil will come, and someone will attempt to destroy the world with a dragon. But when all hope was lost, a hero would arise from the darkness and defeat him. The dragons would apparently come from two boxes; the black dragon box held the dragon that would destroy the planet, the white would save it. It was said that the hero was a dragon lord of great power and the enemy, just as great. Varen took a look at Drake’s armour. It was very reptilian and even 2. Drake’s name suggested that he would own a dragon.
1. Again, you've switched to present tense.
2. Why would he change his name when he got a dragon?
quote:
“Varen...Varen...I have seen your mind...I have heard what you have never told anyone and I will keep them safe; for a price. Find him on the battlefield. The one that is hooded and cloaked. He will be searching for you, and he must find you. The great lord who must have his way. Find him...find him...” The voice faded off and the blade stopped glowing. Varen sheathed it, unsure if he had imagined it or if it was real.
Thoughts are usually italicised. Again, this isn't a mistake, just usual practise and my own preference.
quote:
He started gurgling his 1. spit convinced that he would drown if he did it for long enough 2. , and when he got the nitro-glycerine vial out, Varen swiftly kicked him outside. He turned to Drake.
1. You're missing a comma between 'spit' and 'convinced'.
2. This comma is unnecessary.
Disclaimer: It's now very late, so I apologise for mistakes I miss in advance. I'm going to go over this again tomorrow morning and (hopefully) pick out any mistakes I missed.
Chapter Three.
quote:
1. However the guardians would still lose a great deal of troops. Even though the army of Falconreach totalled to about three hundred thousand and the horde had no more than one hundred thousand the undead were hard to kill. 2. It’s is quite hard to stab something that has bones and no flesh. The battle would be short, but lives would be lost.
1. You're missing a comma after 'However'.
2. Again, you've switched to present tense. I know you're trying to inform the reader about what happens, but it's perfectly fine to do that in past tense.
quote:
Varen knew that in total the guardian’s numbers added up to around two hundred thousand soldiers and that with the help of the mercenaries, the horde had no chance of surviving.
...This is a massive overestimate, to be honest. The army on the First Crusade was between 30000 and 35000 soldiers, including cavalry (The Second Crusade was only 20000 men). Even that was the gathering of many different lords armies. In addition, Falconreach is a relatively small town; there is no way they could gather a force of two hundred thousand in only a few days. I can accept the presence of mercenaries, but even with them, the force would logically only be a few thousand, at most.
quote:
As soon as the enemy were in site,
'As soon as the enemy were in sight'.
quote:
When fighting, people usually did not fight to the death with vicious weapons. However during war, fighting was different. Often, a great amount of deaths were from people being shot at by their own allies. So when the warriors ran in, the archers and mages had to be very careful about where they aimed. One misfire could mean one ally killed. That is why the charge of the warriors was so dreaded. Not because they dealt massive damage, but because it was very easy to hit your own forces.
Varen lopped off a skeleton’s head. Its body collapsed into a small pile and the dark magic holding it together faded. He punched another in the spine, breaking it and killing the undead. There was a huge amount of noise, swords smashing swords, magical explosions and shouting. A knife flew past his head and wedged itself in the skull of a knight. Drake swung his sword around with great expertise and managed to slice three skulls off in one strike. Varen took a large shield off of one of the undead then rammed into the horde. The shield smashed many of the weaker undead out of the way but he still had to finish off the stronger ones.
These two paragraphs could be expanded on and made much more emotive.
quote:
It was dark. The place he was in seemed to emanate the same red glow as his blade did, but apart from that there was no light. The place felt empty and angry, yet there was nothing there to suggest it in any way. A voice spoke to Varen from what seemed to be the other side of the room. He squinted in the dark light, in the direction of the voice. All of a sudden, a great throbbing pain formed in his head.
Why is it emanating light but dark at the same time?
quote:
It was like a headache but hundreds of times worse. Someone in a dark cloak appeared out of nowhere. His cloak was all black but for the fringes, which had glowing red runes running along them on a dark red fringe. The runes seemed to move along the edges of his robe, moving slowly but surely around the person. Dark red eyes glowed from underneath the hood, evil eyes that haunted Varen's mind.
This entire paragraph could be made very emotive, creepy, etc. But it isn't, which is disappointing. I don't feel in the least worried for Varen.
quote:
Bones lay everywhere and no one was in site.
'Bones lay everywhere and no-one was in sight.'
quote:
“Alright,” 1. Kain started “We all know that the necromancer who has just attacked our town and put many lives at risk is requesting for us to meet him in the great clearing.” Raif 2. jumped quickly to the wrong conclusion (as per normal)
1. "Alright," Kain started, "We all..." There should be a comma before starting speech if it's not the end of a sentence.
2. 'Raif quickly jumped to the wrong conclusion, as per normal.'
quote:
He did that very successfully, it’s just he never let any of it leave.
'He did that very successfully, but he never let any of it leave.'
quote:
He just wants to meet with us to tell us a message. The messenger said that he wasn’t allowed to tell the message, and that we have to go visit him if we want to know the message.
"He just wants to meet with us to tell us something. The messenger said that he wasn't allowed to tell us and that we have to go to the necromancer if we want to hear him out."
quote:
He seemed to have more hair on his face1. , than he did have skin.2. He started speaking.
“Well if we want to find out the reason for this assault, it would make sense if we went to see him. Once he’s delivered his message we can hopefully get some information out of him.” Everyone around nodded and muttered in agreement. Kain gazed around at the crowd and nodded.
1. The comma is unnecessary.
Why don't you describe Yulgar speaking? Does he have a deep voice, a musical voice, a gravelly voice, a thin voice, a reedy voice?
quote:
His face wasn’t covered or shadowed with magic 1. and you could clearly see his features. He seemed to be quite young, perhaps in his twenties, was very pale and had brown, staring eyes. He stood, his arms at his side, watching the lords and heroes approach. At the base of the rock stood an undead with a great axe almost as big as a fully grown man's leg 2. , it had writhing magic within its ribcage and when1. you looked at it, the world seemed to grow dark. The man spoke to the skeleton, which nodded and walked forward. Evidently the necromancer had used as much of his power as he could to create one last minion.
1. Again, the 'talking to the reader' fad rears it's ugly head. I suggest making the sentence, 'His face wasn't covered or shadowed with magic and his features could clearly be seen.'
2. This comma should be a semi-colon as, 'At the base of the rock stood an undead with a great axe almost as big as a fully grown man's leg' and, 'It had writhing magic within it's ribcage and when a person looked at it, the world seemed to grow dark,' are both main clauses.
quote:
The minion marched up to the Lords and heroes. It spoke in a deep raspy voice which reminded Varen of Raven’s voice.
Again, you've repeated the same word within a sentence. It smacks of rookie writing and when read aloud sounds very rough in the mouth.
quote:
He would like; Varen the mighty warrior of Falconreach, Kain the general of Falconreach and...” Its head turned to Drake.
'He would like' and the list of names are not main clauses and so this should be a comma.
quote:
“Greetings, lords and heroes. You are probably wondering who I am and why I attacked your town. 1. Originally we planned to overpower your forces and break into your town, but the army was defeated so I turned this into a chance to talk to you.” Kain, Drake and Varen all glanced at each other. 2. “So what my message is is this: My master is great and powerful. He has much influence on the happenings in the world of Lore, and realises that you are one of the few beacons of hope and light in the world. He is willing to let you live in the darkness if you turn to his side. Join the darkness and you will have a chance in the dark times ahead. Decide your fate between yourselves.” He finished, holding his focus on the greatest of Falconreach. They turned and leaned in to start debating amongst themselves quietly. They looked like they were planning their tactics in a sports game. The first to speak was Varen.
1. 'Originally' should be followed by a comma.
2. Speech goes on a new line. The clause is also badly worded and the colon is misplaced. I think, "My message is this; ..."
This is an ultimatum, not strictly a message.
quote:
“First thing I want to know is how he knows that you are the one, Drake? Second what I want to know is who is his master?” Kain nodded in agreement. They knew what the answer to Klaatu’s proposal was, so all they really needed to talk about was how he knew some of the things he knew and what to do.
'The first thing I want to know is how he knows that you are the one, Drake. I also want to know who his master is.' These questions aren't actually questions, just statements with question marks to end.
quote:
“1. Well I reckon that if we can just distract the minion, then the necromancy keeping it alive won’t be able to return to where it belongs, with 2. Klaatu. So Klaatu is using much of his power creating and sustaining the minion and not using it to keep himself alive. So what we need to do is kill Klaatu and the minion will go down as well.” They all muttered and nodded in agreement before standing up straight again. Drake backed towards the main group and Varen moved slightly towards the rock. It was Kain who spoke.
“Necromancer Klaatu, we have made up our minds. 3. We are not going to simply oblige and let you take over our world. You can go tell that to your master in hell!” Varen ran out to the back of the rock, the only place Klatu could get away. Drake swung his sword down onto the handle of the minion’s battle axe. Necro glided swiftly over towards where Varen was fighting 4.Klatu and Cysero choked at the fact he was choking.
1. 'Well I think' would be better placed here.
2. Again, you've said the same thing very soon after the original word. The word 'so' is also unnecessary here. "...where it belongs, with Klaatu. He is using..."
3. That's a very rude way to talk to a supremely powerful unknown being. Frankly, I'm surprised Klaatu didn't blast them for the slight on his master.
4. Minor spelling mistake. It should be 'Klaatu'.
quote:
Varen slid his blade out of the sheath and stopped1. Klatu in his stride. Klaatu swiftly swung out his arm, sending a bolt of darkness towards him. Varen collapsed at the impact, unable to stop 1. Klatu getting away. Klaatu let out a cry before almost collapsing. Necro stood over Varen, holding his arm outstretched. 2. Klaatu fell onto the floor writhing and screaming, his skin going grey and eyes beginning to darken. This continued as Varen got up, the writhing and screaming and dying. Necro dropped his arm to his side, wearily. Klaatu stumbled up and pushed himself into the forest. Now his skin had started falling off and great patches of his face 3. had fallen off revealing bone. He 4. staggered into the forest and wandered out of sight.
1. Klaatu.
2. 'Klaatu fell to the floor, writhing and screaming, his skin turning ashen and eyes darkening quickly. This continued as Varen got up, the howling of Klaatu fading rapidly.'
3. 'His skin started to flake off in huge patches, revealing bleached bones.'
4. There's no need to use two verbs that essentially mean the same thing when one will do just fine.
Chapter Four.
quote:
“So Drake, I was fighting against the horde when they started clearing away from me. I felt myself being drawn towards a certain point when a massive portal opened up. 1. I think I fell through and everything was dark and glowing red.” Drake raised an eyebrow at this. “Yeah, I know. 2. Dark but glowing, but it’s true. Then I met this guy called Raven who was obviously an adept with magic. After almost hitting him, he sent me back to where you found me. He said I had a talent in magic, even though I have never cast a spell in my life.” Drake nodded across the table. He coughed and covered his mouth, before finally speaking again to Varen.
“Well I assume that you told me that last bit because you want to find out about magic?” 3. Varen nodded to show he agreed. “Well if I remember correctly then if you want to become a mage, then you have to first figure out if you are good in any particular element.” Varen sucked in his breath. If he was really going to become a mage, then that would mean having to have someone 4. look into your soul to see if you are going to grow into an adept with a certain element. 5. Having someone look at your soul isn’t very comfortable. Varen answered.
1. Id everything went dark and red, he definitely fell through the portal. Again, technically not a criticism, just a small discrepancy in the story.
2. Repetition of 'but' is unnecessary.
3. The act of nodding shows agreement; you don't need to qualify it with 'to show he agreed'.
4. Surely this should read 'look into his soul'?
5. You're talking to the reader again. D:
quote:
“Well I’m 1. not too sure how someone is going to look into my soul, and I hope that it isn’t as bad as some people make it out to be. 2. So first, we need to find a mage who can look into my soul. I could ask Kain tomorrow if he can find someone. If not, then we go to find someone ourselves.” 3. Drake held up a finger, indicating for Varen to stop.
“Actually, tomorrow I was going to head off to meet the lady Celestia, so if Kain can’t find someone, you’re on your own.” Varen nodded. He wanted to see if Raven was lying or telling the truth 4. , and if he should become a mage and learn the ways of magic. 5. If he wanted to go through the first test of being checked for elemental alignment 7. then he better prepare himself. Varen cracked his fingers.
“ 6. Well, I better go to Kain tomorrow. But for now I think we should rest.” Drake nodded in agreement. Drake had fought the horde and then helped a diplomatic mission end; he deserved rest. Either way, if Lady Celestia was going to meet with him, then that would mean he would be practicing dragon magic without any break; so if he was ever going to get any rest, it would be now. Varen stood up.
“Well, I guess I better be practicing for tomorrow, I don’t want the soul reader to find that I’ve done nothing when I could be preparing for this. Imagine how embarrassing that would be.” 8. Drake nodded.
1. There's no need to qualify this with 'too'. It's you choice to keep it in or remove it, however.
2. 'First' will be fine.
3. Holding up a finger is indication enough to stop, so you don't need 'indicating for Varen to stop.'
4. This comma is unnecessary.
5. '...then he had better prepare himself.'
6. 'I had better go to Kain tomorrow.'
7. 'So' is a connective. It has no place in this sentence as the semi-colon is there. If you want to use 'so', you should replace the semi-colon with a comma.
8. Does Drake do other things? I've noticed you have a very limited pool of adjectives. Expand it and you story will get better.
quote:
"Well I should be heading off to get some supplies for the trip tomorrow. You probably won’t see me leave tomorrow morning 1. so I guess I should say goodbye now.” He opened the door, waved, and left for the supplies. Varen went into his room and sat down. He started testing his mind by blocking out any unneeded thoughts. It didn’t go well. Every time he managed to push a thought out of his head, it was replaced by another useless thought and it continued like this for over two hours. The sun had gone down long ago, and he still couldn't 2. push his mind to the right physique. Eventually it was total darkness outside Varen’s orange curtains, and he began to tire. He fell back onto his pillow and fell into a 3. dark slumber.
Varen woke in what he felt was less than five minutes. The darkness was all but gone, and the light glowed orange because of his curtains. He pulled himself up, despite his uneasy sleep. Even through the night he had been thinking in his sleep, 4. dreams that tugged away in his sub-conscious and images disappearing out of his head in a stupid attempt to stay in his mind.
Varen couldn’t help but wonder what would happen. He had never 5. had someone use magic on him, apart from Raven. All the other times he managed to stab the mages before they could do anything to him. Varen realised that he had never taken any of his armour pieces off, and that he could have a bit of spare time to think about what to say to Kain. 6. He couldn’t just walk up to him and say ‘I’m magical. Find me a soul-reader’ and he couldn’t use his normal excuse that he used when anyone asked him anything. 7. ‘How did you become a great soldier?’ the people would say. ‘Magic.’ Varen would say. ‘Where are you from, Varen?’ the people would say. ‘Magic.’ Varen would say. ‘What could have caused the invasion?’ the people would say. ‘Magic.’ Varen would say. Varen would have a hard time making Kain believe he wanted to see a soul-reader because of magic. Varen’s trail of thought continued as the repetetiveness worked its way into his brain.
“Maybe magic...maybe...”
1. You absolutely love using this phrase and I'm getting bored of it popping up. Like I said before, expand your vocabulary and your story will get better.
2. Minds have physique? I know what you mean with this phrase, but you can word it better.
3. 'deep slumber'.
4. 'Even through the night he had been thinking; uneasy thoughts tugged at his subconscious and images floated around his mind.'
5. He's gone through his whole adventuring life and never come up against a strong mage? I find that difficult to believe.
6. This sentence is way too conversational for the style of writing, imo.
7. I'm lost as to the meaning of this chunk of writing.
quote:
1. Great vast pillars of stone stood up, supporting the structure of the tower. They were made of hard granite and enchanted with magic, so unless a massive fortress somehow crashed into the tower, it would never fall. This was where most 2. large military festivals were held, festivals like 'The who can eat the most pie!' contest, or 'Who can punt Twilly the furthest!'. They had all been put on hold because of an order from Kain. Various mages were talking to each other about Varen and his mind, and Kain was standing near a small, wooden podium, preparing what he needed to say to the soul-readers. Varen stood next to him.
1. Technically they are the structure of the tower. I'll let it slide though.
2. Unnecessary repetition of 'festival'. Like should be followed by a comma.
quote:
“So Varen... let’s get this straight. You want me to go on stage and convince these mages to read your mind for elemental alignment?” Varen nodded eagerly. “But ...on such short notice I have had no chance to prepare a speech, what am I supposed to say?” Varen patted him on the shoulder lightly.
“Don’t worry Kain, I have thought this through. Just turn to me if you can’t think of anything to say, O.k.?” Kain inhaled deeply, before nodding and walking up to the podium. He cleared his throat, and silence fell on the audience.
“Well, my name is 2. guardian Kain, and I am here to explain what is going on. Basically my friend, and hero of Falconreach, Varen, wants to be checked for elemental alignment. You are the only people who are even here this early in the morning, and I’m not even sure who some of you are. But it doesn’t really matter, all I need to know is if my friend is elementally aligned or not.” One of the mages in the audience stood up. He wore a blue coloured robe, and held a long fish-smelling staff.
“We are all tired 3. , it will strain us to perform a soul-reading this early in the morning 3. , and we are already exhausted from the latest invasion 3. , so what will you give us if we do this?” Kain was at a loss of words. 4. He didn’t know what to say at all. He remembered the words of Varen before the speech. He turned to seek advice from him. Varen smiled at him and mouthed a word. Kain didn’t know how to say it without making himself seem like an idiot, so he just smiled toothily.
1. I know I was complaining about your informality just now, but this is too formal. Unless he's saying it in a consoling way, as if Kain thinks this is a stupid idea. In which case, I suggest italicising 'have' to put emphasis on it.
2. It's a title and is therefore capitalised.
3. These commas are unnecessary.
4. You've already said he's at a loss for words; this sentence is not necessary.
quote:
“Magic?” The mage nodded and sat down, apparently believing Kain. At this outrageous statement another wizard stood up and shouted.
“Magic! Magic! How are you going to give us magic? We already are gifted with powers beyond your understanding, how do you suppose you are going to give us even more? We are mages, adepts with magic! How is it even possible to give magic?” Kain decided that he should just go along with what Varen said and keep using the constantly repeated word.
“With magic?” Kain replied nervously. A murmur of agreement rippled through the crowd and the warlock sat down, nodding his head in agreement. The crowd seemed O.k. with what was going on, so Kain pulled Varen up onto the stage.
“1. So who is going to look into his mind?” The murmuring fell to a sudden halt. The crowd didn’t want to check his mind. The mages clearly couldn’t be bothered looking into anyone’s mind in the morning. Varen sighed unhappily and started heading away, but Kain grabbed him and pointed. A single hand arose from the crowd.
“I will.” 2. Necro the necromancer said.
The hall was now empty except for Necro and Varen. 3. The hall was lit dimly with candles positioned carefully around the room in a circle. The hall echoed lightly as Varen stepped towards Necro’s magic circle. Shadows flickered across the walls and the floor as the emptiness of the hall crushed down onto the candle light. Varen was sure that he kept seeing figures creeping around, but as the lights flickered, the darkness disappeared to be replaced with new shadow. Necro had his legs crossed, floating above what seemed to be bones spinning round at break-neck speeds. Varen sat on the chair positioned in front of him. Necro’s mask covered all his face in darkness, but his eyes glowed with an ominous green.
How many more times could you have repeated that word?
1. You don't really need 'so' here.
2. We can guess his occupation from his name.
3. 'It'.
quote:
“Hi, I’m 1. Varen who are you?” The cream coloured moglin gave Varen a small ice cream.
“Hiyas, my name is Twig. I like fish-ice cweam.” 2. Twig seemed unable to speak ‘R’s Varen thought before comprehending what Twig said. He looked at his new ice-cream. A small tuna stuck out of the side of it, but Varen knew that it was never a good idea to make a moglin angry by declining its favourite treat.
1. Varen should be followed by a comma.
2. Thoughts are usually italicised to flag up to the reader that they are thoughts.
quote:
Varen froze in amazement. The skies were grey, the temperature cold. A dull chill crept across his face, as freezing winds buffeted against his thin hospital robe. Frost covered the grass, snow fell on the trees. Varen fell back towards the hospital door indistinctively, a natural instinct built into his brain, to stay out of the cold winter chill. He fell back, falling into the guardian who had been guarding the door beforehand. Varen couldn’t feel his legs as the guardian dragged him back in.
The comma is unneeded.
quote:
“Varen, we are at war against the ice dragons. They are using ice magic to turn the heat cold, to turn the fire to ice. Varen...we can’t stay outside for more than an hour in full fire-enchanted armour. We have to keep coming inside to warm up, and that means that there are less troops fighting out on the fronts. We guardians are having massive trouble without the help of the heroes of Falconreach. You better recover soon Varen, because if you don’t, then this could be the end.
You're missing closing parentheses.
Chapter Five.
quote:
The wave of monsters drew close, and the soldiers locked, despite all the frightened mercenaries running past. The monsters drew near to them, yet the soldiers did nothing. Varen started leaning forward as the monsters got close to the dragonslayers; too close. As a dragon reared its head back to breathe enchanted power on the soldiers, the warriors broke their formation. They ran straight at the dragon, their spears glinting wildly, like a sharks teeth before it bites. They all split and jumped at various limbs on the dragon. They swung their spears in a swooping motion, slicing at the dragon, cutting and slicing the outer layer of its scales. It let out a roar which made Varen flinch, but the dragonslayers continued with their messy business. They slowly sliced at it, dodging all of its attacks and killing the dravir that were nearby.
You're missing the possessive apostrophe from 'shark's'.
quote:
“Hello? Please, there is a man who is dying...” The moglin still didn’t react. Varen knelt and tapped it lightly on the arm and immediately took his hand off. The moglin was cold; the moglins skin seemed to have been frozen to a temperature much lower than freezing point. Varen stood up, looking around the ward. Everyone seemed to be frozen in place, a man frozen while coughing, a glass of water turned to ice and a moglin frozen holding a now-cold hot chocolate. Varen was appalled. Who would dare sneak into a hospital for the sick, and kill innocent people?
This question would be more emotive if it were a thought Varen had.
quote:
“Varen, are you ok? What happened?” The guardian exclaimed confused at the fact that Varen had caught fire in the icy climate. Varen lifted his hand looking at it, then letting it drop to his side. His rage had all but deserted him, to be replaced with massive confusion. He indicated around the room, pointing to the various frozen people who seemed to be thawing now that Frostscythe had gone. Varen looked the guardian in the eye.
'The guardian exclaimed' is a main clause and 'confused at the fact Varen had caught fire in the icy climate' is a subordinate clause, so they should be separately by a comma.
Overview.
Well, you have the bones of a good story, but you need to improve quite a few things. I like that you improved as I read through; that's a very good and gratifying sign, well done. The viewpoint is unique; the hero is his respected adversary. I hope that this doesn't turn into 'a sidekick chronicler' story because that would waste the potentially huge scope this story could have.
Spelling. Good, as far as I can tell.
Grammar/Punctuation. Aside from the few badly placed commas, there was nothing wrong with it. However, you usually use very simple sentences which is as bad as being too elaborate in one's writing. Try to strike a balance between plain and complex writing.
Description. More please. There's little in there beyond a few sparse scatterings of description. I also think you should expand your sentence structures and such because this whole thing is very 'detached' at the moment. Nothing raises my pulse or makes me feel worried for the characters. I think you have the potential to make this a brilliant story, but it needs work.
Plot Development. Kinda vague, from what I've seen. More please.
Character Development. This, this is what I have the most problem with. Why does Varen dislike Drake so much? He's met him once. Why the huge antipathy? Why are they baring their souls to each other when they've only just met? This whole aspect of the story is the most difficult to believe. Their speech is very stilted, cliché and cheesy too. Having read further on, you seem to be plagued by 'wrong-time speech'. Essentially, you've transplanted 21st Century speech patterns and idioms into this setting, complete with informal and grammatically incorrect speech patterns. While I know DF does this, you should consider making your speech more correct and formal, if not correct for the temporal setting. Will we see the relationship between Varen and Drake develop more in the future? I hope so.
< Message edited by Helixi -- 12/4/2011 18:45:35 >
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