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RE: (DF) The Grimm Tales of Van Hellsin Commentary

 
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4/12/2012 18:13:01   
Glais
Member

Five chapters? Wow. Will read once all of em are done then.
DF MQ  Post #: 101
4/12/2012 20:47:28   
VanHellsin24
Banned


Will push this to tomorrow beginning 10 ish
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 102
4/14/2012 10:08:16   
VanHellsin24
Banned


After a series of very....unfortunate events I was able to produce A chapter. Enjoy it....
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 103
4/14/2012 17:18:06   
VanHellsin24
Banned


Might go on hiatus,,just to get my life back on track. DOn't expect any new chapters for a while..

and when I mean awhile,,I mean it
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 104
4/14/2012 19:14:19   
Glais
Member

Read newest chapter. I feel a bit odd on this one. Kain and Sir Pent are slayers? I don't know, I'm not a fan of changing the source material, it seems it would make more sense to make new characters to fit the role.

I also noticed Kalestri...isn't she some god of death in AQW, why is she now a Celestial god?
DF MQ  Post #: 105
4/14/2012 19:25:59   
VanHellsin24
Banned


Problem is I have a problem with inducting new characters right after another.

Kalestri...oh snap. Wrong name. I meant to put Durga, Hindu goddess

Sorry I've been having a bad week

< Message edited by VanHellsin24 -- 4/14/2012 19:26:29 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 106
4/16/2012 18:48:34   
VanHellsin24
Banned


Depending on an outcome in 3 weeks I could start writing full time.

Wish me luck
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 107
4/17/2012 15:56:41   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


quote:

The other was a man, who wore pitch black jeans without a top or shoes. His torso was laced with intricate tribal markings that ran up his arms to his fingertips. He had markings on one side of his face that appeared as half of a skull.

"I never expected you to be here, Slayer," the creature bellowed in numerous voices. The man stared on from the darkness of his hood.

If all he was wearing were jeans, where does the hood come from? And if the hood is so dark underneath, how can the markings on his face be so clearly seen?
quote:

"You're pathetic, Slayer," it said as it leaped," just like your FATHER!"

In dialog, when the name of the one being spoken to is said out loud, there should be a comma before the name.
quote:

The demon kicked back, but the man blocked. He intensified the light energy around his right fist as he retalliated.

retaliated
quote:

"Great job, Crow," a voice said. He turned to see a heavily armored man walk to him.

quote:

"What do you want, Damian?" Crow asked.

quote:

"Ill kill you, Crow. Why can't you be normal?"

quote:

"Revenge," was all Damian could think. And quick revenge.

This sentence is confusing. Did Damian think the word revenge, or say it out loud? If the word was thought, italicize and remove the quotation marks. If he said revenge out loud, try rewording your sentence to make this more clear.
quote:

He walked to an empty table and slammed his head, tired.

quote:

Crow slammed his head again, but because of the excitement.

Slammed his head on the table?
quote:

She lowered her face to his, her curly Blondel hair mixing with his straight long silver hair.

blonde
quote:

Crow appeared from one of the pathways st the entrance to the giant lake not to far from the building.

at
quote:

"GO AWAY!" Crow shouted. The two punched each mother's fists, releasing energy.

other's


I stopped pointing out all the places that needed commas before a name in dialog in the second section. Also, I noticed you often end a piece of dialog with a comma. This is done when an action breaks the dialog, not just when the person is finished speaking. Your story plot is interesting and overall has the potential to be good, however there are quite a few grammar mistakes that break the flow. You also have a lot of incomplete sentences as Mordred pointed out in the first page of this thread. Try reading this to help you fix those, this website is what I use for my writing and can explain things far better than I can :)
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 108
4/17/2012 18:09:16   
VanHellsin24
Banned




I'm starting to hare the Kindle Fire's spellcheck.

I'm gonna have to wait for the weekend when I can get an available laptop to create the necessary changes.

EDIT: Crow's markings usually glow in combat

EDIT II: Took out the part where it describes Crow having no top.

< Message edited by VanHellsin24 -- 4/17/2012 18:19:47 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 109
4/20/2012 11:05:14   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


quote:

Right then, she felt lost and dismal unilateral a hand grabbed her shoulder.

Not sure what this word was supposed to be. I see 'until a' but teral makes no sense.
quote:

"Excuse me," the man said,"I heard you were in need of magical assistance."

space between the bolds
quote:

"Um..,I have a friend who's sealed in some sort of wierd magic. Could you unfree him?"

space, weird, free
quote:

Warlic shot forth a purple beam of enrgy that melted the half that Crow was encased in. He fell out to the floor, gasping for air.

energy, ground
quote:

"Crow !" Winter shouted as she ran to him.

No space
quote:

"Warlic," he said as he stretched out his arms,"how long has it been?"

space
quote:

"So are you, a DragonLord ?"

No space
quote:

"The Celestial God Ko."

I'm not sure what 'Ko' is, if it is the name of the god there should be a comma before the name. Also, 'God' should be lowercase as you use the little 'g' when referencing the same god a few sentences later.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 110
4/20/2012 11:32:39   
VanHellsin24
Banned


Those I have to attend to this weekend
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 111
4/28/2012 11:35:19   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


quote:

They were the Guardians of Space, while the Elemental Lords deal with planetary issues.

The use of past and present tense here is misused here, it should either be "are" and "deal" or "were" and "dealt"
quote:

Instead they tell those by the stars, and those who are smart enough to decipher the Star Code will gain the status of Celestial Slayer.

Tell who?

This chapter is out of place with the story. While helpful in explaining the terms and classes you are using, this just suddenly breaks off from what is going on in the plot. I recommend writing this as if a character was reading it all from a book or being explained to them by another character. The first one would be easiest because if you choose for it to be explained by the characters and not a text, you will have to rewrite it all as a dialog. With a book or scroll you will not have to change as much.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 112
4/28/2012 13:09:06   
VanHellsin24
Banned


That's possible. Expect the change in a few, as I have to deal with the horrors of Trig Ratios
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 113
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