JOHN HANCOCK is speaking before the delegates of the
Continental Congress. He is a rooster. Literally.

The rest of the representatives are also various animals.

JOHN HANCOCK
Esteemed delegates of the Colonies,
it is with a heavy heart that I
must once again recall to life that
which is rejected by many among our
number. Our freedom. Our freedom
and our right to decide for
ourselves where our fate should lie
in this world. The King, the boots
to whom we have attended for a
shamefully long time, has spat on
our pleas for assistance in
Parliament. He declares us to be in
a state of rebellion for denying
the British serpent, which has
savored the fruits our labor and
thrived on the blood of every man,
woman, and child, the power to
enact laws of questionable
necessity without our opinion or
consent. I tell you, there is no
question of what should be done. We
must declare to a candid world how
the British Empire has whipped and
abandoned us like dogs; how the
British Empire denied us the rights
which should be guaranteed to all:
the right to life, liberty, and
representation. We must pledge our
blood to our Declaration of
Independence and cast off the
shackles of oppression for all
eternity. We will have liberty.
Liberty or death!

JOHN HANCOCK expects an uproar of applause.

But there is no applause.

Only silence.

There is a long pause.

A very long pause.

Finally, ABRAHAM LARK, a bird, stands up and clears his
throat.

ABRAHAM LARK
Uh, what?

JOHN HANCOCK
What do you mean, "what," Abraham
Lark?

ABRAHAM LARK
I didn't understand a single
freaking thing you just said.

JOSIAH BARKLETT, a dog, also stands. He's wiping his eyes
with a handkerchief.

JOSIAH BARKLETT
Yeah! And also, the whipping dogs
part wasn't cool!

JOSIAH BARKLETT sobs.

JOHN HANCOCK
It was just figurative language,
Josiah Barklett! I didn't mean
Britain was whipping dogs-

CHARLES CARRUFF, another dog, spits his tea everywhere.

CHARLES CHARRUFF
THEY'RE WHIPPING DOGS?

JOHN HANCOCK
What, no-!

JOSIAH BARKLETT
THEY MUST DIE. KILL 'EM ALL, KILL
'EM-

JOSIAH and CHARLES start howling and slamming on their
desks.

JOHN HANCOCK
Guys, come on, knock it off-

CATER BRAXTON, a cat, stands up.

CATER BRAXTON
I second the whipping of dogs.

The whole committee groans. JOSIAH and CHARLES explode,
speaking at the same time.

JOSIAH BARKLETT
THAT'S RACIST! YOU ARE RACIST,
CAT-ER BRAXTON! This is a freaking
set-up! I'm out-

CHARLES CHARRUFF
Suck a hairball, you milk-drinking
cat! I oughta-

There is a threateningly low but audible growl that fills
the room. The room falls silent. Everyone turns to BENJAGUAR
FRANKLIN, a jaguar.

BENJAGUAR FRANKLIN
We are not here to argue over
racism, Charles Charruff. We are
here to declare our independence.

CATER BRAXTON
How, Benjaguar Franklin, meow?

JOHN HANCOCK
Our very own Thomas Jeffersnake is
drafting a declaration as we speak.
He's right over-

JOHN HANCOCK gestures to an empty seat.

JOHN HANCOCK (CONTINUED)
Uh... Guys? Where is Jeffersnake?

Outside of the room, THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE is slithering down a
hallway.

He bursts through a door and finds GEORGE WASHINGTON
standing the way he is sometimes depicted in paintings.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
There you- ... Why are you standing
like that, dude-?

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Shh.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
But I-

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Shh.

GEORGE WASHINGTON closes his eyes. He can just feel his
awesomeness.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
I'm... not quite following...

GEORGE WASHINGTON
I look awesome.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
You look constipated.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
What do you want?

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
We need you back in the board room,
dude. We're making you
Commander-in-Chief!

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Commander-in-Chief?

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE nods and slithers toward the door, trying
to get GEORGE WASHINGTON to follow.

But GEORGE WASHINGTON sits down and contemplates.

GEORGE WASHINGTON (CONTINUED)
Commander-in-Chief... Nah, I'll
pass.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
WHAT?

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Yup. My military career is over.
Tried and failed.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
But this is for our country... For
your friends! We were going to make
history together!

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Already got a plan for that, pal.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
For... making history?

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Yup. Two words: fox pelts.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
I- ... What?

GEORGE WASHINGTON
A-huh! Fox pelts! Think about it.
If I finish my fox pelt collection,
that'd make me SO much more famous
than being Commander-in-Chief!
Because then I can start my
life-long dream: fox pelts...
Everything made out of fox pelts.
Coats, bags, accessories, carpets,
furniture, curtains! All fox pelts!
I could start a business that makes
this stuff for everyone! And I
shall be known as "Father of the
Fox Pelts!"

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
... Alright, let's just go to
Independence Hall and make you
Commander-in-Chief. You're scaring
me with all this crap, dude.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Not as much as you scared me when
you ate that woman's baby.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
That was a dark time in my life...

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Either way, I'm set. Why do I need
to be Commander-in-Chief?

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
Because you're our friend! Because
people look up to you! They listen
to you-!

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Yeah. Because I'm awesome.

Content, GEORGE WASHINGTON returns to his posing.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
Look... I didn't want to say this.
But ever since you moved to Mount
Vernon and started all that hunting
and stuff, you've become a
tremendous butt!

GEORGE WASHINGTON freezes. THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE realizes that
he went a little too far when GEORGE WASHINGTON begins to
throw his belongings into a bindle.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Then you know what? Fine! I'll just
go back to Mount Vernon and be a
tremendous butt there!

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
But I didn't mean-

GEORGE WASHINGTON
No! Clearly you don't care enough
about what your friend wants, so
why should I be here?

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE looks at GEORGE WASHINGTON super
seriously.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
Dude...

GEORGE WASHINGTON gives up his facade.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
What do you want, Jeffersnake? I'm
not being a military commander
anymore. I've had enough of it. I
have a wife and kids now!

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
We're not asking you to be a
military commander. We're asking
you to get off your fat buttocks,
be a friend, and help us.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
No, you're asking me to be
something I'm not, so just stop.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE looks bashed and slithers out of the
room, defeated. GEORGE WASHINGTON gets back to making his
bindle.

GEORGE WASHINGTON (CONTINUED)
(To himself)
I'm not fat.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE slithers through the hallway and back to
the board room, where CATER BRAXTON and JOSIAH BARKLETT are
now fist-fighting.

JOSIAH BARKLETT
Put up your dukes!

CATER BRAXTON
You'll regret this, meow!

JOSIAH BARKLETT
Maybe, but I won't regret this!

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE sits down and sighs.

CATER BRAXTON
That smarts, meow! Reminds me of
how hard kittens try to hit my
momma before she eats 'em, meow!

JOSIAH BARKLETT
Oh, now you're gonna get it!

JOHN HANCOCK walks over to JEFFERSNAKE.

JOHN HANCOCK
Where the hell have you been? We
couldn't get on the Declaration
discussion and now Josiah and Cater
are whaling on each other!

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
He's not coming.

JOHN HANCOCK nods in understanding. To show his sympathy, he
rubs his head against JEFFERSNAKE like a chicken, then steps
onto the podium.

JOHN HANCOCK
Gentlemen?

CATER BRAXTON and JOSIAH BARKLETT do not notice. ABRAHAM
LARK is taking bets from the other delegates.

JOHN HANCOCK (CONTINUED)
Guys... You're gonna make me do
something that I'm gonna regret.

Everyone keeps fighting; JOHN HANCOCK is making no
difference. Then he cuckaws.

JOHN HANCOCK (CONTINUED)
CUCKAAAAAAAAAW!

The room shakes from how loud the noise is, and it knocks
CATER BRAXTON and JOSIAH BARKLETT onto their feet. Everyone
freezes, then BENJAGUAR FRANKLIN purrs.

BENJAGUAR FRANKLIN
About time we got down to business.

JOHN HANCOCK
Yes, yes...

While JOHN HANCOCK speaks, GEORGE WASHINGTON is beginning to
walk out of Carpenter's Hall.

JOHN HANCOCK (CONTINUED)
Gentlemen... We stand now on the
brink of war with one of the most
powerful countries on our world. We
will need supplies.

CATER BRAXTON
Meow.

JOHN HANCOCK
We will need allies.

CATER BRAXTON
Meow.

JOHN HANCOCK
We will need help- and would you
stop it?

CATER BRAXTON was about to meow again. He stops reluctantly.

CATER BRAXTON
Just warming up my voice.

Shaking his head, JOHN HANCOCK ignores him.

JOHN HANCOCK
But above all else, we need to
declare our independence and our
place as a new nation. So who will
join me?

ABARAHAM LARK
I will.

JOSIAH BARKLETT
I will!

BENJAGUAR FRANKLIN
I will.

Glancing to the seat where GEORGE WASHINGTON was supposed to
sit, THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE raises his head.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
I will.

RANDOM DELEGATE #1
I will!

RANDOM DELEGATE #2
I will!

RANDOM DELEGATE #3
I will!

CATER BRAXTON
... Meow.

GEORGE WASHINGTON closes the door behind him and starts to
walk away from the hall. He walks over to a horse, SALLY
FOALFAX.

SALLY FOALFAX
George Washington!

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Evening, Sally Foalfax.

SALLY FOALFAX
Say, why do you have that bindle?

GEORGE WASHINGTON
It's nothing. Let's just go.

SALLY FOALFAX
Are we finally running away
together?

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Uh... In a little bit, babe. We're
just going home.

GEORGE WASHINGTON climbs onto SALLY FOALFAX.

SALLY FOALFAX
Haha, okay, George. I love you.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
(Awkwardly)
Yyyyeeeeaahhhhh... Aaand... I...
appreciate our friendship...

SALLY FOALFAX
Haha, I love you too, George!

GEORGE WASHINGTON
(To himself)
Jesus.

Just as GEORGE WASHINGTON is about to ride away, UNASSUMING
ANIMAL #1, a monkey, and UNASSUMING ANIMAL #2, a
hippopotamus, knock him off SALLY FOALFAX, who is panicking.

GEORGE WASHINGTON hits his head on the ground after falling
off the horse and is knocked unconscious.

SALLY FOALFAX
George? What's going on?

UNASSUMING ANIMAL #1 offers SALLY FOALFAX an apple.

SALLY FOALFAX (CONTINUED)
What are you-? Oooh, delicious!

While SALLY FOALFAX is distracted, UNASSUMING ANIMAL #2
stuffs GEORGE WASHINGTON into a burlap sack with its snout.
He struggles to pick him up.

UNASSUMING ANIMAL #2
Geez, this guy is fat. Gimme a
hand, will ya?

GEORGE WASHINGTON is tied up in a chair. A fancy chair.

He jolts awake.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Huh? Where am I? Who's doing this?

There is a flopping sound. Something is flopping toward
GEORGE WASHINGTON, and that something is GENERAL CORNWALRUS.
GEORGE WASHINGTON scowls.

GEORGE WASHINGTON (CONTINUED)
Cornwalrus... I thought you retired
from active duty after you and
General William Cowe sat on that
new recruit and suffocated him!

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
No, I am very much here, George
Washington... You are a fool for
accepting the role of
Commander-in-Chief. We are going to
put down this rebellion, and when
we do, we're going to make sure it
never happens again.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Why you- Wait... I'm not
Commander-in-Chief.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
What?

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Yeah, whoever it was that told you
was wrong. I'm not
Commander-in-Chief. Didn't want it.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Oh.

There is an awkward pause.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS realizes that kidnapping GEORGE
WASHINGTON had been a complete waste of time.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS (CONTINUED)
Well... You made a very smart
decision, then! Because we're gonna
beat the Colonies so bad that its
babies are gonna feel it for the
next century!

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Alright.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
And your friends will hang for
their crimes!

GEORGE WASHINGTON
We had a falling out, so... Don't
really care.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Oh. You don't have any friends
then? That's problematic.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
What? No! I've got plenty of
friends!

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Really?

GENERAL CORNWALRUS holds a quill and parchment in his
flippers.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS (CONTINUED)
Do go on.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Uh... Sally Foalfax?

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Nope, dead. Fed her a poisoned
apple.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
(Forced)
Oh no! That is terrible news.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Yes, yes. Any others?

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Martha.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Isn't that... your wife?

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Yyyyep.

GEORGE WASHINGTON is sweating profusely.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Well, I'm sure you'll think of
someone eventual- you don't look
too good.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Uh...

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
... Oookay... Tell you what. I'll
let you go and pretend that this
never happened. Then you can go
back to your revolutionary friends
and get back on track. Kind of
embarrassing right now.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
No! I don't need them! I'm not
going back there! They think I'm a
butthole!

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Well... Maybe you should think
about that. Either way, out you go.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
What?

UNASSUMING ANIMAL #1 hits GEORGE WASHINGTON in the head with
a brick, knocking him out again.

GEORGE WASHINGTON comes to. He slowly props himself up on
one arm and realizes that he is in a tent and wearing a
different shirt.

Crawling out of it, GEORGE WASHINGTON sees THOMAS
JEFFERSNAKE and JAMES MADISNAKE tending to a fire, blowing
air at it with their tails and slowly shoving other logs of
wood toward it with their heads.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE notices that GEORGE WASHINGTON is awake.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
Hey, look who's finally up! Good
morning.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Did you change my shirt?

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
Yeah. You sweat through the other
one pretty bad.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
(Changing the subject)
Where the hell are we, anyway?

JAMES MADISNAKE
We're following the Potomac, taking
you home.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
You'd do that for me?

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
It's the least we can do, really.
You were right; we were asking you
to be something you just aren't.
That isn't fair. We just want the
best for you, y'know?

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Oh... Well, thanks. But I don't
need any help. I can handle myself.

JAMES MADISNAKE
Doesn't matter if you need it or
not, which you probably do. We just
feel like helping.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
I don't need help.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
Sure you do, fatty.

GEORGE WASHINGTON opens his mouth to retaliate, but decides
against it and gives up.

JAMES MADISNAKE
Good.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Well, if I'm gonna be called
"fatty," I may as well act like
one. Where's breakfast?

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
What?

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Breakfast. Food.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
... Oh. Food. Well, we hadn't
really thought about that since we
can just hunt.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Oh that's just great. Thanks a lot
for saving me, you guys! Now I'll
survive a little bit longer before
I roll over and starve to death!

JAMES MADISNAKE
Relax, relax. We brought a rifle.

JAMES MADISNAKE nods at a rifle lying within the tent.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
... How did you guys plan on using
that without hands?

JAMES MADISNAKE and THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE share a glance before
shrugging.

GEORGE WASHINGTON (CONTINUED)
Wow. Great.

GEORGE WASHINGTON takes the rifle and marches off into the
woods.

CUT TO: EXT. LEXINGTON - DAY

GENERAL CORNWALRUS is on a hill overlooking the city. He
turns to THOMAS GAJOEY, a kangaroo, who is standing in front
of various animals in the "redcoat" attire, the REDCOATS.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
General Gajoey, you know your
orders.

THOMAS GAJOEY nods and gestures for his soldiers to form
their ranks and begin to march on Lexington.







GEORGE WASHINGTON is walking slowly through the woods.



He notices a red fox.



He eyes his target and winces as it bounds deeper into the
woods.



GEORGE WASHINGTON stalks the fox, taking care not to make
too much noise.

CUT TO: EXT. LEXINGTON - DAY

Animals throughout LEXINGTON begin to notice the British
animals marching toward the city.





SAMULE ADAMS, a mule, and JOHN HANCOCK notice this.







SAMULE ADAMS
Minutemen! Make your country proud!





The younger and more able animals, the MINUTEMEN, nod and
rush into their houses.





When they return, they are wearing dark blue coats and
holding rifles. JOHN HANCOCK sighs.







JOHN HANCOCK
So it begins.

CUT TO: EXT. AMERICAN WILDERNESS - DAY

GEORGE WASHINGTON aims very carefully at the fox, which is
sniffing at a flower.





His finger is on the trigger.

CUT TO: EXT. LEXINGTON - DAY

The MINUTEMEN and REDCOATS are now beginning to aim their
rifles at one another, filed into ranks.





One of the REDCOATS fires. The shot heard around the world.

CUT TO: EXT. AMERICAN WILDERNESS - DAY

Before Washington can fire his gun, the fox hears something
(The shot heard around the world) and starts running away.

GEORGE WASHINGTON frowns and reaches for his ears.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
What was...?

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE and JAMES MADISNAKE slither up from
behind GEORGE WASHINGTON.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
We've got to get you home. Fast.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Did you guys hear that?

JAMES MADISNAKE
Yes. The people you have turned
your back on are taking matters
into their own hands.

GEORGE WASHINGTON is stung and about to retort, but THOMAS
JEFFERSNAKE stops them.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
Come on, you guys, that's enough.
Let's just get moving.

With a shrug, GEORGE WASHINGTON hefts the rifle over his
shoulder and follows THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE and JAMES MADISNAKE.









RALPH WALDOE EMERSON runs in where the trio had been only
moments before, carrying a bunch of his essays on his back.

RALPH WALDOE EMERSON
Wait, wait! "Here once the
embattled farmers stood, / And
fired the shot heard 'round the-"
Aw, nutsacks... Well, better get
back to your own time period, Ralph
Waldoe Emerson.

GEORGE WASHINGTON, THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE, and JAMES MADISNAKE
are walking toward the Potomac River.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
So, we're just going to follow the
river? Good idea, I guess. It does
run right next to my house.

JAMES MADISNAKE
That was the plan.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
Not to mention that hunting should
be easier along it. Animals need to
drink and all.

GEORGE WASHINGTON kneels down by the river to take a drink.

JAMES MADISNAKE
Sounds easy enough.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Well, I dunno about you, but I'm
starved. Let's go get something to
eat.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
Yeah!

The trio continues along the river with renewed vigor.









Still continuing along the river. It's not morning anymore.









Still walking. Everyone looks a little more worn out. It
looks like the sun is setting.

It is now night.

JAMES MADISNAKE
Alright, I'm feeling kind of hungry
now, too.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
Yeah...

GEORGE WASHINGTON
How did we go that long without
catching anything to eat?

JAMES MADISNAKE
I dunno. Maybe the sound of your
flab scared away the animals. We
did not have any problems on our
way here.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
For the last time, I AM NOT FAT!

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
We're gonna die!

JAMES MADISNAKE isn't having any of this. He slaps THOMAS
JEFFERSNAKE with his tail.

JAMES MADISNAKE
Get a hold of yourself! We are
going to make it out of this alive!
We just have to find something to
eat. It is not that hard!

GEORGE WASHINGTON
But what?

CONVENIENT MOTHER walks along, holding her baby in one arm
and a basket of apples with another.

She spills the basket of apples all across the ground.
Frustrated with herself, she holds out her baby.

CONVENIENT MOTHER
Dear me... Could one of you hold my
baby while I pick up these fresh,
delicious apples?

GEORGE WASHINGTON, THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE, and JAMES MADISNAKE
all look at one another.

CUT TO: TEN SECONDS LATER

GEORGE WASHINGTON and JAMES MADISNAKE are trying to pull
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE away from the baby, which he is trying to
swallow whole. CONVENIENT MOTHER is understandably
screaming.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Dude, you don't have to do this!

JAMES MADISNAKE
We know you have problems! We can
work it out!

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Don't let your addiction get the
better of you!

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
(Muffled)
Can't! Must! Eat!

GEORGE WASHINGTON
You're better than this!

GEORGE WASHINGTON and JAMES MADISNAKE finally pull THOMAS
JEFFERSNAKE off the baby.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
Come on, man! It's kill or be
killed! I wanna live!

GEORGE WASHINGTON walks behind the screaming mother, who is
clutching her baby. JAMES MADISNAKE turns to address her.

JAMES MADISNAKE
Madam, we are very, very sorry-

Suddenly, GEORGE WASHINGTON hits her over the head with the
butt of the rifle. She falls unconscious.

The moment she does, GEORGE WASHINGTON starts gathering the
apples in the basket.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
GET THE APPLES!

JAMES MADISNAKE
What?

GEORGE WASHINGTON
NO TIME! GO GO GO!

When GEORGE WASHINGTON finishes gathering the apples, the
trio runs away as fast as they can.

The basket of apples is now empty.

GEORGE WASHINGTON, JAMES MADISNAKE, and THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
sit around a fire.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Was a meal fit for a horse more
than a man and his snakes, but I'll
take it.

JAMES MADISNAKE
Which reminds me... Did you not
have a horse while you were at the
Continental Congressional Meeting?

GEORGE WASHINGTON
(Awkwardly)
Uh... No... Hey! How about that
heist we pulled?

JAMES MADISNAKE
You think the mother will be okay?

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
I'm sure they'll be fine. Her
psychiatrist will have more to deal
with, though.

GEORGE WASHINGTON and JAMES MADISNAKE chuckle.

JAMES MADISNAKE
Speaking of "dealing with people,"
what do you guys think about
Alexander Hamoleton?

GEORGE WASHINGTON and THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE answer at the same
exact time.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Unappreciated, really.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
Total a-hole.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
What? What's wrong with the guy?

JAMES MADISNAKE
I just have this weird feeling
about him...

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
Yeah. I wouldn't trust him with
fathering the country. Can't really
put my finger on why...

GEORGE WASHINGTON
I'm sure you'll figure it out...
It's getting kind of late. Let's
take a rest and get back on track
tomorrow.

JAMES MADISNAKE
Sounds like a plan.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
You said it!

GEORGE WASHINGTON lays down. As he falls asleep, he hears
GENERAL CORNWALRUS' words coming back to him.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS (V.O.)
Oh. You don't have any friends,
then? That's problematic...

The British flag is being taken down from Boston while
GENERAL CORNWALRUS looks on from a hill. Cheers can be heard
in the distance.

With disdain, GENERAL CORNWALRUS turns to GENERAL GAJOEY,
whose uniform is torn and in disarray like that of his
comrades. The remaining REDCOATS stand behind him.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
You have failed me. Now you will
suffer the ultimate price.

GENERAL GAJOEY immediately understands. His eyes widen.

GENERAL GAJOEY
No...

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Hold him down!

The REDCOATS immediately hold GENERAL GAJOEY down while
GENERAL CORNWALRUS flops over to him.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS then proceeds to sit on his face.

GENERAL GAJOEY flails and fights, but gives up once he
realizes there is no escape.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
(Speaking to one group of
REDCOATS)
You! Meet General William Cowe at
Bemis Heights.
(Speaking to another group of
REDCOATS)
As for you... We are heading to
Mount Vernon. If Washington wants
to stay out of the war, he will
have to face the consequences.

GEORGE WASHINGTON jolts awake. THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE and JAMES
MADISNAKE, who were curled up and sleeping on his chest, are
thrown off from the jolt.

JAMES MADISNAKE
Ugh...

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
What's your problem?

GEORGE WASHINGTON
I dunno... I... I dreamt about
smothering...

JAMES MADISNAKE
Maybe you accidentally ate some
apple seeds last night.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Yeah...

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
Oh well. We may as well get up now.
We shouldn't be all that far off
from Mount Vernon.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Really? Our adventure's ending this
quickly?

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
Yeah. We ran away pretty hard last
night. In fact, I'm pretty sure
it's just over that hill-

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Thank God, I'm almost free!

JAMES MADISNAKE
I... what?

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Sorry guys, but... You're kind of
weird.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
But we had a bonding moment!

JAMES MADISNAKE
We helped you return home.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Yeah, but what does it mean?

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
We did it because we were your
friends and we didn't want you to
die!

GEORGE WASHINGTON
... Nah, don't really need that.
All I need are my rifles, my axes,
and a bunch of foxes.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
I can't freaking believe you!

JAMES MADISNAKE
That is enough, Thomas. Let us
leave the man to his madness.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
I can't believe it...

JAMES MADISNAKE leads THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE away.

With an air of smugness, GEORGE WASHINGTON begins to run up
the hill.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Finally, things will be back to
normal... And I'll be able to
cement myself in history as-

GEORGE WASHINGTON begins to see smoke on the horizon.
Confused, he starts to walk faster. And faster.

He is now running up the hill.

EXT. VERNON IN RUINS - DAY

Mount Vernon has been burnt to the ground.

What remains of GEORGE WASHINGTON's estate is a huge pile of
ash and flaming rubble.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
No... NO!

GEORGE WASHINGTON runs down the hill and over to Mount
Vernon. He kneels by the rubble where his front door had
once been.

There is a leg sticking out of the bottom of the house-
presumably that of MARTHA WASHINGTON.

GEORGE WASHINGTON (CONTINUED)
My house... It's all gone.
Everything. Everything except-!

With renewed hope, GEORGE WASHINGTON fumbles into a
different part of the rubble.

After some rummaging, GEORGE WASHINGTON finds a fox pelt.

GEORGE WASHINGTON (CONTINUED)
VICTORY!

The fox pelt then crumbles to dust in his hand.





Something has snapped in GEORGE WASHINGTON's mind.





His eyes are twitching.





A memory is coming back to him.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE (V.O.)
Because we're your friends!

GENERAL CORNWALRUS (V.O.)
You don't have any friends? Well,
that's embarrassing...

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE (V.O.)
Friends!

GENERAL CORNWALRUS (V.O.)
Embarrassing!

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE (V.O.)
Friends!

GENERAL CORNWALRUS (V.O.)
Embarrassing!

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE (V.O.)
Friends!

GEORGE WASHINGTON
NO! I'm not embarrassing! I have
friends! I have... I have friends.
Friends who cared about me, who...
Who I shoved away.

GEORGE WASHINGTON looks back over the hill. With a look of
insurmountable determination, he pats MARTHA WASHINGTON's
leg.

GEORGE WASHINGTON (CONTINUED)
Man the home front, honey-pumpkin.
I've got a war to lead!

GEORGE WASHINGTON then leaps up and takes off over the hill,
yelling things like "HEY" and "WAIT FOR ME" as he goes.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE and JAMES MADISNAKE are slithering slowly
down a road. JAMES MADISNAKE holds his head high while
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE scrutinizes the floor.

They both whirl around at the sound of a cracking stick
behind them. JAMES MADISNAKE immediately returns his
attention to the road while THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE continues
looking back.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
Is that-?

JAMES MADISNAKE
Look out!

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE looks forward.

With a yelp, GENERAL CORNWALRUS rides by on ANONYMOUS HORSE
and scoops up THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE in a giant butterfly net.

GENRAL CORNWALRUS
Your turn, Madisnake!

ANONYMOUS HORSE
Kill... me... please...

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Shut up!

GENERAL CORNWALRUS whacks the horse across the back of the
head with his flipper.

ANONYMOUS HORSE
The extra weight you're putting on
me whenever you move is more
painful than any blow you can land
on me!

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Well, you're just lucky I'm no
George Washington. Speaking of
which, he abandoned you, didn't he?

JAMES MADISNAKE
Who would want to know?

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Well, I may know the reason why...

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
What'd you do to him, you
blabbering blubberbutt?!

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Oh, I didn't do anything to him, my
slippery little friend. I-

GEORGE WASHINGTON
-Showed him what really matters.

There is a gunshot. GENERAL CORNWALRUS clutches his heart
and falls off the horse. The horse whinees from relief.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE strains to escape the butterfly net, but
GEORGE WASHINGTON helps him out.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
I knew you would come.

GEORGE WASHINGTON gives THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE a smile.

JAMES MADISNAKE
You guys...

GEORGE WASHINGTON and THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE turn around to face
whatever it is JAMES MADISNAKE is looking at.

He nods at the fallen GENERAL CORNWALRUS, who is actually
UNASSUMING ANIMAL #3 and #4 in a GENERAL CORNWALRUS costume
filled with bricks of lead.

UNASSUMING ANIMAL #3
Agh! They got me, they got me!

UNASSUMING ANIMAL #4
Stop being melodramatic, dude, they
just clipped you on the shoulder a
bit. You'll just need to cut off
your arm; that isn't so bad!

UNASSUMING ANIMAL #3
AAAH!

GEORGE WASHINGTON, THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE, and JAMES MADISNAKE
just stare. UNASSUMING ANIMAL #4 gets defensive.

UNASSUMING ANIMAL #4
What? I was just messing with him!

GEORGE WASHINGTON shrugs.

JAMES MADISNAKE
Get on the horse!

ANONYMOUS HORSE
What?

GEORGE WASHINGTON picks up THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE and JAMES
MADISNAKE, then starts mounting ANONYMOUS HORSE.

ANONYMOUS HORSE shudders and wheezes.

ANONYMOUS HORSE
Oh... Lord, this is... even worse!

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Shut up and take us wherever the
hell Cornwalrus really is! We've
got a war to end!

ANONYMOUS HORSE takes off along the road. THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
pokes out of GEORGE WASHINGTON's sleeve.

THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
What's the plan, Georgie-boy?

GEORGE WASHINGTON examines THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE's current
position and smiles.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
I think I've got an idea...

ANONYMOUS HORSE neighs while the three ride off along the
road.

The MINUTEMEN and REDCOATS are clashing.







One MINUTEMAN tackles a REDCOAT to the ground and sinks its
teeth into them.







Another MINUTEMAN struggles to repel a REDCOAT and falls off
the nearby cliff.







Both the MINUTEMEN and REDCOATS are utterly scattered.







GENERAL CORNWALRUS looks on at the chaos and laughs.

JOHN HANCOCK steps forward to face him.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Your revolution will end here,
Handy!

JOHN HANCOCK
If it does, you can be sure that
you will as well!







GENERAL CORNWALRUS pulls out a rifle and attempts to shoot
JOHN HANCOCK, but scowls as he pecks it out of his hand.







JOHN HANCOCK keeps pecking at GENERAL CORNWALRUS' face
before hopping away, keeping his distance but being
aggressive.







GENERAL CORNWALRUS finally dives forward and manages to pin
JOHN HANCOCK beneath him.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Submit!

JOHN HANCOCK
Never!... Urgh...

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
You insolent little-!

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Enough!

The battlefield falls completely silent.

Everyone looks at the same place: toward GEORGE WASHINGTON
as he disembarks from the horse alone.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Ah... So the Friendless Farce
finally comes to play, eh?

GEORGE WASHINGTON
You bet. And I challenge you to a
fist-fight. One-on-one.

JOHN HANCOCK's eyes widen.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Oh?

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Yes... and if I win, the Colonies
are independent and you must leave,
never to return!

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Ah, but if I win?

GEORGE WASHINGTON
If you win... I'll call off the
rebellion against the British
Empire. The war and the bloodshed
will end here, either way.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Well... I cannot overlook an
opportunity, now, can I?

The REDCOATS ease while the MINUTEMEN cry out in despair.

JOHN HANCOCK
You're going to sacrifice
everything-!

GEORGE WASHINGTON subtly winks at JOHN HANCOCK.

Understanding, JOHN HANCOCK falls silent.

There is the telltale "ding-ding" of people getting ready to
rumble.

There is a colonial version of a modern day boxing ring.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS is on one side staring down GEORGE
WASHINGTON, who is on the other side and having his
shoulders rubbed by JOHN HANCOCK.

JOHN HANCOCK
I hope you know what you're doing.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
We know exactly what we're doing.

JOHN HANCOCK
What?

REFEREE
Boxers on the playing field!

GEORGE WASHINGTON and GENERAL CORNWALRUS meet at the center
of the ring.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
I'm gonna tear you apart...

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Well, you're fat.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Grrr...

REFEREE
Eughllllllllllllet's get errready
tooo rrrrumbaaaaaahl-!

Someone in the audience shoots the REFEREE.









Within a moment, GEORGE WASHINGTON and GENERAL CORNWALRUS
are on top of each other.









GEORGE WASHINGTON at first seems to be winning, but then
GENERAL CORNWALRUS gains the upperhand.









GENERAL CORNWALRUS is two parts fat and eight parts pure,
unadulterated fury.









GEORGE WASHINGTON isn't looking too good.

Finally, the round ends.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Admit it. You're outmatched!

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Am... I?...

GEORGE WASHINGTON opens his sleeves and THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
and JAMES MADISNAKE come out of them.

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
I-... what? What's going on? What'd
you do to me?!

GEORGE WASHINGTON
You're experiencing the power of
friendship and ten pints of venom!

GENERAL CORNWALRUS
I-... Oh God...



GENERAL CORNWALRUS slowly sways.



There is a drumroll.



Everyone is watching GENERAL CORNWALRUS apprehensively.



CATER BRAXTON is sitting in the audience, playing with a
ball of yarn. Realizing that the camera is on him, he
immediately stops and pretends to be dignified.



CATER BRAXTON
Ahem... Meow.



GENERAL CORNWALRUS slams against the ground with a final
thud.



Everyone is silent.

JOHN HANCOCK
You... you did it! You won! The
Colonies are ours!



There is a roar of applause.

GEORGE WASHINGTON embraces THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE and JAMES
MADISNAKE, and the three scream together through the
cheering.

GEORGE/JAMES/THOMAS
We did it! We did it! We did it!

The REDCOATS appear crestfallen.

SAMULE ADAMS kicks a REDCOAT that is behind him.

SAMULE ADAMS
This marks the most significant day
in American history... The day we
rule ourselves and continue to rule
ourselves until the very end!

GEORGE WASHINGTON (V.O.)
And from then on, we ruled
ourselves.

GEORGE WASHINGTON steps out of Carpenter's Hall.

In the background, CATER BRAXTON and JOSIAH BARKLETT and
standing awkwardly by each other.

They abruptly pull each other into a deep hug.

CATER BRAXTON
Meow!

He walks over to the place where SALLY FOALFAX once stayed.

GEORGE WASHINGTON (V.O.)
But most importantly of all, we
ruled ourselves.

GEORGE WASHINGTON smiles at THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE and JAMES
MADISNAKE, who are happily waiting for him.