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6/27/2008 11:20:57

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams

Welcome to the comments thread for stories scribbled down by yours truly, fabula!

I currently have three stories posted in CW - Narrative and Prose section. One complete, two unfinished.

Avoiding the Inevitable- A DF fanfic with themes on revenge, love, and self-perception. Completed. But still under editing-phase ;-)

Where's My Rose? - A story about dreams and revenge. Inspired by art. The name of the story and inspiration for one of the characters.... You don't know that already? I'll tell you that later, as the story unfolds, OK? First four chapters posted.

Serpent of Eiji - Experimental fantasy. Prologue and first chapter posted. More info added asap.

*******************************************************************
All comments are humbly welcomed, dearly appreciated, and loved to death! =P

Enjoy!
*******************************************************************

EDIT:
Dear reader, I took the stories down. The links won't work anymore.
Reason: Leaving L&L

EDIT 2:
Were taken down because of abrupt leave of absence from the forums without a definite return date.
Are still taken down until I've managed to reorganise my stuff.

EDIT 3 (27 Sep 2008):
Where's My Rose? has been reposted.
Avoiding the Inevitable still not available.

EDIT 4 (7 Oct 2008):
Reposted first chapter (edited) of Avoiding the Inevitable.

EDIT 5 (12 Oct 2008)
Reposted chapters 2-3 (edited) of Avoiding the Inevitable.

EDIT 6 (27 & 28 Nov 2008)
Reposted chapter 4 (edited + one scene added) and chapter 5 (edited) of Avoiding the Inevitable

EDIT 7 (7 Dec 2008)
Reposted chapter 6 of Avoiding with some edits and minor additions to the first scene.

EDIT 8 (12 Dec 2008)
Reposted lightly edited chapters 7,8, and 9 of Avoiding the Inevitable.
"Matthew sees Laila"-bit slightly edited in Where Is My Rose, chapter 2.

EDIT 9 (30 & 31 Dec 2008)
Reposted chapters 10 & 11 of Avoiding the Inevitable. Chap 10: minor changes and further info on Lux Alba's hatred against vampires.
Chap 11: The opening paragraphs edited significantly to add more description on the town. Otherwise, wordiness cut.

EDIT 10 (2 Jan 2009)
Reposted chapter 12. Extensively edited, borderlining rewritten.

EDIT 11(3 Jan 2009)
Reposted chapter 13 of Avoiding the Inevitable. Elaborated on the "vampiric interests", added a paragraph on Sonny-boy, retouched scene 2 at multiple points, slaughtered wordiness all over. "Fighting" parts left as they were.
Reposting complete.

EDIT12 (8Jan 2009)
Edited more description (and paintings =P) to Where is my Rose? chapter 1

UPDATE (13-14 & 17 Apr2009)
Scenes 1-3 & 4 of Chapter 4 added to Where is My Rose?

NEW(12 July 2009)
New story, Serpent of Eiji, started. Prologue posted.

UPDATE(20July 2009)
Chapter 1 for Serpent of Eiji posted.

UPDATE(8Sep2009)
First scene of chapter 2 for Serpent of Eiji posted.

UPDATE(05Oct2009)
Second scene of chapter 2 for Serpent of Eiji posted.

< Message edited by fabula -- 10/5/2009 16:15:20 >

Post #: 1

6/28/2008 0:24:35

Firefly
Lore-ian

quote:

A passer-by would have hardly noticed them, and even if he had, he wouldn’t probably have understood that they were on a mission.

Flows better if you switch the order of those two words.

quote:

Although they frolicked in the air like fish in the sea, they still determinedly glided through the ether to a certain direction, hurrying to deliver a report.

"though" flows better than "although." the latter seems like something weird for English.
Now, I'm not gonna lie to you. I don't like your metaphors and similies in general. They seem really... funny... Like how I didn't like your "tatoos" metaphor in the opening line, I didn't like this one either. I can't think of how to fix it, so it's probably just our styles clashing. But I'm making a note of this, just for your benefit.
I'd put the "determinedly" elsewhere.
"Though they frolicked in the air like fish in the sea, they still glided through the ether to a certain direction determinedly, hurrying to deliver a report."

quote:

Their screams were too high for an average man to hear, but on a hill slope few miles away from the disgraced guardian tower, stood a creature far from the mundane averages of the world, listening.

"screams" is a very generic, unpowerful word. In this case, to signify the high pitch, it is better to use "shriek" here. Better connotation.
Well, would any human being be able to hear bat shrieks? Dunno 'bout Lore, but on Earth, no. I'd change that to "human." Plus, the figure you describe is probably not a human, right? So it fits. If you wanna keep "average man" for whatever reason, I suggest you say "the" rather than "an." It's just much more powerful.
"slope a few..."
I think "Guardian Tower" should be capitalized, since it is a proper noun.

quote:

Cloaked in a cape that seemed to absorb all light around him

"all the light..." may be better.

quote:

But the moment they told him the name of the female mage, a gorgeous grin slit his face into two.

Now, I dunno the background of your story, so I may be wrong. However, that word /really/ threw me off. I didn't get the impression that the man was good-looking from the previous passage. And I didn't get the message that he looked good while smiling. Even if he did, I suggest you rephrase into a more subtle sentence. Like start a new sentence and describe how the grin lit up his features and softened his gaze or something, ect.
Also, you're going for a more evil grin, I think. So the above seems even stranger. And on top of all that, grins that split a face are usually too large to look nice...
I think you meant "split"

quote:

Handing the berries together with the girl over to his servants

Seems very wordy. Too wordy = bad. I would know, since I'm #1 in wordiness. What's stopping you from saying "and"?

quote:

he shifted his form to an old grey-feathered owl and flew with transcendental speed towards the tower.

Comma after "old"

quote:

After he ~~had~~ lost his mother, he had been ever so eager to throw his energy into anything that was good for an adrenaline boost.

You're /really/ overusing "had." Even at times when you wanna use it, try to keep the usages to a minimum before you burn the eyes outta your audience.

quote:

In the dim, silver light that still lingered on in the underground halls

Now I'm just being a pain in the butt, but (pun unintended) I prefer "silvery" to "silver"

quote:

he perceived himself like the guardian tower itself

Eh, "as" fits better in this comparison.

quote:

the outside made of sturdy-looking stones, that in reality, were ready to crumble away around the emptiness inside.

Comma misplaced. Took me a while to figure out what you were saying. Should be after "that" not after "stones"

quote:

Did he hunt to catch something, or to flee from himself, his own history and the heavily weighing destiny of being the last one of his kind?

You don't need a comma before "and" in every context. But you should be /consistent/ I noticed that you used it before, so you should continue doing it now.
"heavily-weighing" needs a hyphen since it's a single modifier.

quote:

Yes, this was the kind of pain he was used to deal with.

"dealing"

quote:

a skill he had had to learn by himself, the hard way.

You need to kill the comma. Or you need some stylistic repetition, but that won't work here.

quote:

Although it wasn’t her own fault that she had turned the way she had, and she surely didn’t deserve to be punished anymore that she’d already had been, Zhoom still regretted releasing her.

I had to read this twice to get the full implications. You should rephrase the first part and change those commas into dashes. Dashes are better for setting things apart and emphasizing than commas are, thus making them ideal for this sentence. Hmm, try:
"Although it wasn’t her own fault that she had turned into such a creature--and she surely didn’t deserve to be punished anymore that she’d already had been--Zhoom still regretted releasing her."

quote:

his ridiculous will to honour his questionable contracts, whether they were with the living, dead, or undead, had caused him to dishonour a friendship.

I'd change these bolded commas to dashes as well. Because you have a list in between, a dash can emphasize properly, better than a comma could here. Plus, I noticed that you don't use varying punctuation enough. You don't have to /always/ use commas. Colons, dashes, and semi-colons are readily available at all times. (Though don't overuse those either...)

quote:

in the heart of a vampire-breeding area where he had just released one vampire more, and she was there unarmed!

Again, I'd say a dash is more appropriate here. You want to emphasize this last part. It's what you want your audience to notice. I had to read this twice to get the implications.

quote:

but what really startled the ranger, was an odd-looking feather that lay on those imprints.

*takes out a sword and murders the comma*

quote:

they suddenly vanished as if the man had grown ~~himself~~ wings and flown away.

Meh, you can keep it for emphasis, but I'd say that it's unnecessary and doesn't work out anyways.

quote:

Instead, she had just taken the first route curving away from the vicinity of that cursed place.

The "hads" are killing me. I see your reasoning here, but really, it's unnecessary. Better to just say "she just took"

quote:

She couldn’t find the power in her to turn back, although she knew that would have been the right thing to do.

Like "had", "upon", ect. "although" should be used sparingly. A regular "though" works better here, and 90% of the time generally.
Again with the "hads"! And this time, it's very, very unnecessary. She's doing it right now! So "be" is much better.

quote:

remembering again every little detail on his attack on her

Double "on" is unpleasant. "of" is better for the first one.

quote:

her thoughts burst with rage.

These two words don't go together well. "burst in" or "exploded with"

quote:

Hurrying upwards for a while to stop the malicious thought

It was more than one sentence she was thinking, so this should be plural, methinks.

quote:

Without a warning, the clouds curled away in the sky

Seems to have killed the flow with that word.

quote:

Let’s face it, again, I have fled…

The first comma needs to be a period, dash, or semi-colon. Or else it's a run-on.

quote:

in this exhausting fleeing from everything

Bad choice of word. I think "flight" is what you meant.

quote:

Skating closer to her father, she had wanted to show how fast she was learning, but her smile had frozen to her lips as she had noticed the deep sadness in his eyes.

Too many "hads" Grammar needs to be bended to attain a better-flowing story, Fabula. Keep the first one, change the rest to regular past tense.

quote:

All at once, her skates had turned heavier than boulders buried deep beneath the roots of a mountain and her movements had come to a complete halt as she had started to wonder

See above. Listen. When an entire passage is in past past tense (past participle or something, can't remember the fancy name), you need a "had" at the beginning to indicate it. But once past the beginning, continue in regular past tense, or else readers would get annoyed. You've read books. That's the way pros do it too.

I'll stop the "had" comments for now. Pick them out yourself.

quote:

She had remained still, until the mittens that were too big for her, had gradually slipped from her hands and dropped on the ice.

Kill all the commas in this sentence.

quote:

On the hill slope overlooking the grim valley of the tower

Overusing this word. "hillside" or something instead.

quote:

Sunken deep into thoughts, amidst voices gone-by

No hyphen. Two words since it doesn't act as a single modifier.

quote:

she didn’t even notice when the dark figure crept behind her.

"a" is better, since you didn't introduce such a figure to us yet.

quote:

Almost as if the attacker had read her mind

Perhaps I'm still holding a huge grudge against the word "had", but I think "could" is better here.

quote:

whispering in a dreadfully familiar voice,

Period instead of comma at the end. It acts as an ending to an independent sentence. It isn't /really/ a speech tag.

quote:

as a cape black as a night without stars covered them from prying eyes.

Wordy, wordy, wordy. "a starless night" is better.

quote:

the vampire released his grasp from her white throat, now streaked with red marks from his fingers.

/Please/ don't describe using an ungraceful and generic colour here. Use something more emotive (eg. ivory), or use something more... skin-related (eg. pale)

quote:

she inhaled sharply, as he made his sweet way to her neck

Kill the comma. Again. Stop overusing commas, geez. You're turning into a Justin clone. (don't take offence to this. I mean it jokingly)
That word bothered me. Perhaps it's one of those things in your style I dislike. Perhaps it's because... How do I say this?
Hmm, I feel like you always put things in a very overt and blatant manner. Might be better if it were more... subtle. A simple rephrasing would do. "as he made his way down her neck in delicate, deceptively-gentle strokes" or something to that effect.

quote:

He certainly asked for no permission before his hands travelled south

Seems too geographical and mechanical of a word. I think "downwards" is more graceful for this occasion.

quote:

ripping through fabric, and knowing no mercy.

Kill this comma. The fact that the last bit is too short to warrant pausing and how this sentence already has one comma supports this idea.

Now, I like the way you cleverly integrate things together and leave good foreshadowing. Some of your descriptions, esp. of the night, were amazing. I still dislike your blatant way of stating certain things (it makes me feel prude by comparison), but that may be because I'm uncomfortable with your style. Oh, and when you portray inner turmoil, like the thoughts of Zhoom and Lux Alba, you should use more direct thought, less exposition. Feels like less like infodump that way. Overall, I love your talent and the innovation behind the story.

Two more unrelated things:

1. I claim this page for being a crazy editor.

2. Fabula, you might wanna check up the 3000 word update in a certain story... =P *points to sig*

< Message edited by Firefly -- 6/28/2008 0:25:37 >

_____________________________

Post #: 2

6/28/2008 0:45:53

Crimzon5
Member

While waiting for my AA status to return (Rico already approved me), I guess I'll return some favors...

quote:

Stretching his arms across the canvas, an old man with a long grey beard and blind eyes looked a lot like she imagined the Christian God.

Also, how can she tell that the eyes were blind? Were they closed or something? Just asking...

quote:

“I'm still going to marry her,” Charlie announced, “She's plain perfect. She makes a lot of money, enough to support my educational ambitions, she won't deceive me with another men, and she has two perfectly round and...”

“Stop drooling over my sister!” Matthew said, feigning successfully irritation. G.J. started grinning as he became aware of the fake fight that had also caught the fellow passengers' attention.

“...bright eyes,” continued Charlie, even when Matthew grabbed his shirt and frowned at him. G.J. stepped in, doing his part in the play,

Charlies was interrupted, right? Or did he pause and look for words after saying end giving Matthew enough time to talk? If not the latter, use '--' instead of '...'

Oh yeah... I think Charlies continuation should start with a '--'

Anyways... for the comments... the title made me think that... this is a romance type where in a girl who looks a guy will not be liked by that gy. Confusing? Oh well...

That's just a reminder (not that you need it)

_____________________________

Can you see the Visions?

Post #: 3

6/28/2008 9:09:49

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

quote:

The name of the story and inspiration for one of the characters.... You don't know that already? I'll tell you that later, as the story unfolds, OK? First chapter posted.

No need to tell me

I hope the character based upon that person gets the revenge... (S)he might want to write a story about you to return the favor...

Anyway, welcome back in L&L. There's still some work that needs to be done on Avoiding, but first I have some obscene questions to answer through pm...

Post #: 4

6/28/2008 9:13:40

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Wow...

@Crimzon5: Thanks for pointing those out! I completely forgot to describe the eyes to the reader. Such a stupid thing from me, really, since the painting is so vividly embedded in my mind. I'm going to add something about that later on tonight/tomorrow as well as fix the dialogue part, too, when I get to editing mood again.

About the title... the meaning in regards of this story is not as obvious as it would seem like. I don't think it would be very wise of me to comment anymore about that right now, because I would really risk spoiling it... Where I got the title from is yet another story.
I just love to confuse people. =P

@Firefly: I humbly bow to you. I've read all of your comments, thank you! There are points that rightfully reprimanded me and some points I don't quite agree on. I'll be presenting my feeble reasonings to you as I go through that list, loving it to death, later on tonight/tomorrow. =P
I'm currently totally in the wrong mood for editing my stuff; I think I'm more into commenting right now, so I think that I shall follow that link...

But, before that, just for laughs, I'm gonna share something: I don't remember the exact context where I read the word "prude" (in one of your posts,anyway) for the first time. However, at that time,I had to check the meaning of that word from my dictionary.
Just for you to know. A relatively new word to me. Might explain some things. =P

@Ronin: Of course you know...

< Message edited by fabula -- 6/28/2008 9:15:00 >

Post #: 5

6/28/2008 12:36:10

Firefly
Lore-ian

*patpats* I have a horrible urge to laugh at you for not knowing that word, but considering that I learned it off a personality quiz several years back, I've got no room to talk. =P

Meh, I planned to only do the first scene last night, but something made me complete everything. And Justin, if you're reading this, you're my next victim...

Take my comments with a grain of salt. You're the writer here. Really! If even one thing I said was helpful, then I've done my job.

Did I scare you when you woke up to that, lol?

Oh, and I'm an idiot. I forgot to say that I was editing chapter 9 of AtU... Ah well, you know, so it's fine.

< Message edited by Firefly -- 6/28/2008 12:41:23 >

Post #: 6

6/28/2008 13:46:23

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Let me smash some more stuff to pieces I've been Avoiding for too long[/stolen pun].

Chapter 13
Wherever I left off(wow, I've really been slow):

1:

quote:

There it was again, the silent rushing noise, but this time it was accompanied with the sound of a flying arrow.

How about using some of our mysterious keyboard-magic, and turning the first comma into a semi-collon? Just a suggestion; not necesary.

2:

quote:

At the sight of her falling, the Lord sought for a hideout to clog his wound and spy on the new players.

Though I like the idea of him concidering it all a game; portraying his feeling of superiourity above the other contenders, I think it is too subtle. Concider:
the new players in a destructive game of chess[/insert other suitable game of choice], a game of chess [/insert other suitable game of choice] which he himself had entered with a few dozen queens[/insert pieces fitting to that game], and the easiest of tasks; to obliterate a handfull of pawns[/insert pieces fitting to that game].
Okay, I went way overboard here, but you get the point.

3:

quote:

Recklessly, paying not enough heed to the danger looming above them, two humans sneaked to the scene

The start of this sentence doesn't work for me. What would work is either:
not paying enough
or
paying too little
Change or keep at own discretion.
Also, the word recklessly makes "paying not- above them" redundant. I suggest you remove either.

4:

quote:

Even more sickening were her empty eyes, staring solidified into eternal oblivion.

Solidified? That word doesn't seem to fit here at all. That's just...really, really odd. How about mesmerized?

5:

quote:

The man stopped beside the slaughtered vampire's body and gave it a kick, motioning simultaneously to the boy to watch out for the other vampire he had seen.

So this man of experience and skill is letting this youngster of neither in charge of something as important as warning him if a vampire, master of disguise, would come closer?

6:

quote:

Still keeping his bow drawn ready to shoot, he turned back to the corpse, expecting to find some answers on what he had just witnessed.

The word "on" here, suggests the events drew directly and clearly a single question.
Replacing it with the word "about" would more accurately describe the fact that the events were for the greatest part a mystery to the humans, and the man hoped to find some answers (as in 'some explaination') about it.

7:

quote:

“This is ain't the one we saw couple of weeks ago,

turn is into isn't and remove the ain't
or remove is

Wait, WHAT! This happens to me again? You haven't checked FF's comments and used the ones you wanted to yet? Darn!
Well, I'll just wait and start over from where I left off once you did that...
*cries in despair*

EDIT: Where in the story is firefly now anyway?
I can just continue if she's still chapters behind on it...

< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 6/28/2008 13:48:03 >

Post #: 7

6/28/2008 15:16:09

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Firefly is not butchering the whole story. We agreed that she'd thoroughly slaughter just the chapters I've asked her to. Those being numbers 5 and 9. That list you saw was for number 9.

So you're free to go on, if you like....

Post #: 8

6/28/2008 16:03:48

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Oh, how can I resist those puppy-dog-eyes. What, it's a cat? I refuse!
Okay, it has cute eyes anyway, so here we go:

8:

spoiler:

While his father mocked the fallen one, a cry died on his son's lips as he saw a dark figure descending right before him. The creature's cursed eyes stared straight into his soul, promising endless pain if he dared to look away or to make a sound. Sonny-boy's hands trembled soon uncontrollably and he dropped his sword, while his feet stayed paralysed, and his mouth glued shut as the monster crept behind his ignorant father who had decided to kick the smitten-down lady one more time.

I know the father is mean to be facing away from his son, but you don't expess this clearly before all this^ happens. I think you should.
Also, a cry dying is more like a cry quickly fading out, while you're looking for a complete failure of the cry to emerge. How about something like:
a cry halted in the boys throat, afraid of what it might cause

9:

spoiler:

As the man's body slumped beside Zhenneh-ra's, the vampire watched emotionless,

Emotionless sounds too much like motionless to me, though that's probably just me. Concider 'antipathically'.

10:

quote:

After the last sparkle of life had escaped, the monster shot a glance at the boy, advising him with a hollow tone in his ominous voice, “You'd better run home before your mother gets too worried.”

Though I understand the Lord uses mockery here, I still think it sounds too caring. How about:
home, before something bad should happen to your mother...."
If you don't do this, at least place a comma before 'before'.

11:

quote:

Like a rabid hare, Sonny-boy fled, but no matter how fast he ran he couldn't escape his own mind, filled with the horrors that slowly drove him mad beyond the point of return.

I'm no rabies-expert, but I think a hare without it may actually be a lot faster...
maybe like a hare haunted by Death itself?

12:

quote:

Whether it was true sadness or just a duplicit mirage, no one knows, but for certain, Lord Frydae XIII was the one who carried the forsaken Queen of the Sandsea into eternity.

but for certain doesn't sount nice. I suggest:
but at least it was certain that Lord

13:

quote:

“Give that, now!” the robust sweaty man yelled menacingly as he grabbed the boy by the arm.

Give that to me, now!
Seems to have that final touch to the sentence, which it now misses.

14:

quote:

“You son of...” he couldn't here the end of the too familiar curse as a loud smack deafened him;

here=hear
Shame on you!
Also:
curse, as a loud

15:

quote:

he heard him shout after them but he hardened his heart, marching on.

them, but he

16:

quote:

Deep brown eyes looked at him, filled with images of infinity

And what would this infinity look like?

17:

quote:

He lay on the same dead grass as he had fallen on, his shirt cut open and

remove the 'as', IMO

18:

quote:

but he found that he was too weak to do that.

remove 'to do that', IMO.

19:

quote:

“Oh, potion that should ward you from infections.

a potion

20:

quote:

still tears pouring from her eyes.

I suggest you pull a switcheroo on 'tears pouring, to form 'pouring tears'.

21:

quote:

Carrying a heavy-looking wet cloth, Lux Alba returned to him around the time he had counted to around fifty.

counted back to
I know it sounds like repetition, but this way it can only mean count in 'the normal order'.

22:

quote:

She kneeled beside him and by gently touching his lower lip she ordered him to open his mouth.

The motion doesn't fit to the word 'ordered'. How about 'she hinted him'

23:Quoteless: This is night, it must be, yet you fail to describe it. Shame.

24:

quote:

“What good would come to you from that? Yes, he's a monster, and trust me,

I suggest you remove 'to you'.

25:

quote:

“And after that? You would continue killing vampires until you were the only one left, completely hollow inside from all the death you would've dealt only to revenge? I don't want to see you turn that way and lose yourself.”

You know the trilogy Blade?
This is really much like that.
Not too big a deal, just wanted to mention it.

26:

quote:

Tears started to flow from her eyes, but this time, they weren't for joy.

for=of

27:

quote:

She tried to hide her face again, but he wouldn't have none of that.

would have none of that
Unless you're going for the double negative still means negative fault that the youth digs so much these days.

28:

quote:

Still, he felt her tears running on his chest, so he continued, “Or you could build one for me?”

He still felt
What you have now means something quite different of your intention, I'm quite sure.
Also: I think the last word of this quote would be better off being 'we' then 'me'.

29:

quote:

The ranger felt her move her head a little, as if she wouldn't make herself to believe she had just heard that.

allow herself to believe she
the current structure doesn't work.

30:

quote:

Time will show us the solution what comes to the blood

when it comes to the blood
or better yet:
solution concerning your need for blood

31:

quote:

, “And who says you would need to go out when the sun is up? It's too freaking hot in there in the middle of the day, anyways.” She didn't laugh, though,

I didn't laugh either.
The point is: If you want him to make a joke, have him make a good one. Unless the intention is a bad joke, which doesn't seem the case here.

32:

quote:

Still hiding her face, she gave it squeeze, thinking.

a squeeze

33:

quote:

Perhaps, the time for sacrifices had finally come to an end.

Remove comma

34:

quote:

She knew that the time never healed anything, it only hid wounds,

remove 'the'

35:

quote:

While she was still buried in her thoughts, the dreary day and the wounds started to kick in: praying silently that she wouldn't take away from him what he loved, Zhoom dozed off.

Turn collon into semi-collon

One word:
You did an amazing job here. Though it needs some serious extention if you want it to be a proper book, and you still have some issues, this is really great. Keep trying to perfect this, don't get to caught up on Where's My in the mean time, and you'll have a proper done story in little more than no time.
Okay, so it were a couple of words; who cares.

Good tie!

< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 6/30/2008 7:26:38 >

Post #: 9

6/29/2008 15:56:53

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi, I'm finally editing the stories.

I'm starting with Firefly's comments.
I'll probably make a separate post for each commentator to able to keep even the slightest readability...

1) Changed the word order, thanks.
2) You are free to hate my metaphors,lol. I admit, I suck at them. I just changed the beginning sentence to: "Heavy clouds came flooding from the skies with a raging force strong enough to wash the sins of the world. " It's undoubtedly clicheish, but better than the original one.
I also made the wording changes you suggested and changed 'the fish in the sea' to 'butterflies'.
3) That's the word I was looking for, changed to shrieks, thank you.
I kinda like 'the average man' so I just changed the article. Umm, I thought that because there are many guardian towers around the Lore, that would be written non-capitalized. So, the grammar says I'm wrong?
4) Changed.
5) Well, I was going for some strangeness. Like he was good-looking in a very odd way. Also, I like the contrast between the slit and the gorgeous. Lemme think over this, OK?

6) I had an acute 'and' -allergy at the time, apparently. =P Changed now.
7) Now you're asking me to add some commas.... *rips hair* ... when will I ever learn. *adds the comma*
8) lol, I hope you're not blinded by now. Removed the 'had'.
9) lol, going along with your 'silvery'. Note how I'm not trying to make a bad pun in return...
10) like -> as

11) Moved the comma.
12) Comma and hyphen added.
13) Umm. I like it better without the '-ing'
14) Ended up killing the comma. Nice to remove them once in a while for variation's sake.
15) -17) Went with the dashes. I hope you didn't went to coma because of my commas. [/Am I still not the worst one trying to make a pun?]
18) *Arranges a funeral service for the comma*
19) I took the 'himself' out. Since you're right.
20) *Kills the had and arranges another service*

21) See above. Also removed the 'al' from 'although'.
22) Changed the 'on' -> 'of'
23) I went with 'her thoughts burst in rage' since I prefer 'burst' or 'explode' here.
24) Changes the 'thought' into 'thoughts'
25) You're right. I removed the article.

26) Went with the period.
27) You're right again. Changed to 'fleeing' -> 'flight'
28) *Arranging funerals for two 'had's*
29) Faking to be a pro, I continue removing the 'had's. Looks like coffins are in sale tonight.=P
30) It's a comma-massacre.

31) Right. Changed to hillside.
32) Removed the hyphen.
33) Changed the article. I used 'the' because I kinda assumed that the reader would know it's the same person as in scene 1.
34) lol, changed to 'could' as it works better anyways, grudge or not. =P
35) Corrected.

36) I'm being stubborn here. I like my 'night without stars'. It sounds like the start were ripped off. At least to me =P
37) OK. Why does everybody hate white? Changed to 'pale'. Because 'alabaster' would over-do it.
38) Well, actually, I want this scene to be kinda brutally blunt. There's nothing flowery in the setting. But I killed the comma.
39) Look above. Nothing graceful here.
40) And killed the comma.

Thank you for going through this trouble! I love it when you mush my chapters! Forces me to think through the choices I've made.
Now, I didn't use so much direct thought here because chapters 7 and 8 were so full of dialogue. But, I'll keep that in mind while writing my next story and while editing this further.
And my style is pretty blatant at times.

Thanks again!

DF	Post #: 10

6/29/2008 19:08:59

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Where's My Rose is now edited.

@Crimzon5: I added the article that was missing and replaced the '...' to dashes. I also changed the "Matthew said" to "Matthew interrupted him" so that's even more clear.

Also Death's eyes had no pupils, that's why she knew he was blind. Edited version:

quote:

Stretching his arms across the canvas, an old man with a long grey beard and eyes without pupils looked a lot like she imagined the Christian God. Laila started to shiver as she took in all the suffering in the painting called House of Death. The man wasn't God after all, he was Death himself, blind, clad in dirty white, offering the poor wretched humans, twisting in agony if alive, lying still and rotting away if dead, something that reminded an eternal peace.

Thanks again!

@gwoonjustin: I added something about the crowds:

quote:

As the exhibition room swarmed with curious people peering into the displays of Gothic horror immortalized on canvas, she had a hard time to spot a painting that wasn't hidden behind other visitors. Occasionally some groups moved together away from one work to another, revealing a gap for her to slide herself in before another group closed in around her.

I'll edit your comments about Avoiding the Inevitable, ch 13 tomorrow (or today, depending on the time zone)

DF	Post #: 11

6/30/2008 7:16:52

Fleur Du Mal
Member

OK, Ronin, Going through your comments now for Avoiding the Inevitable, Chapter 13, as promised:

1) Meh, I don't need to use magic for that... Changed.
2) Hmm. I actually like that you went overboard in there... The chess is well-known, plus it has the queens, so I'm shamelessly gonna use that

spoiler:

At the sight of her falling, the Lord sought for a hideout to clog his wound and spy on the new players in this twisted game of chess, ready to annihilate a couple for pawns lured into a trap by the destructed queen. Patiently he waited for them to gain unjustified confidence, leading to a fatal mistake.

3) Changed to:

quote:

Not paying enough heed to

4) Mesmerized doesn't work here. Her eyes are frozen still. I've use solidified earlier, in chapter 5:

quote:

With a brutal swoosh, the first pair of heads rolled to the ground, staring to the unrelenting sky, eyes solidified in a red gaze of terror.

The scene comes back to this, sorta. So I'm going to keep that word.

5) Well, ehm, the man already suspects that the other vampire has fled because of the fight. It's explained later on. So, he's teaching the boy to mind his surroundings.

6) Changed 'on' to 'about'.
7) Removed the 'is'. *kicks oneself for making such an elementary mistake*

8) OK, I added this to explain the position:

spoiler:

Then the form of the vampire's ears sunk in, and he snorted, his back turned away from his son, “Well, what do ya know, Sonny-boy! Nowadays even the fair elves turn into 'onourless bloodsuckers!”

Also, the cry has been edited:

spoiler:

While his father mocked the fallen one, a cry died in his son's throat long before reaching his lips as he saw a dark figure descending right before him.

9) I find that 'antipathically' too fancy a word to be used here. How about 'unconcerned'? Also, would you please put spoiler-tags around that quote, since there's the name....

10) Lol, I've been censoring this guy too much, apparently. Still, I don't like him threatening his mother so directly (although, he doesn't know that she's dead). So, how about:

quote:

“Now, be a good boy and run home before your mother gets too worried.”

11) Ah, when I read a critique to a certain movie called 28 Days Later, the critic applauded the makers for changing the normal slow zombies to incarnations who “run like starving, rabid dogs.” I liked the description. I think I'm keeping it....

12&13) Implemented your suggestions.
14) *shames*
15) Added the comma. I must have been in a coma...
16) OK, how about this:

quote:

Deep brown eyes looked at him, filled with images of infinity: an endless ocean swallowing him into its warm embrace, while above the sky burst into a winding multitude of beauteous stars, blinking to heavenly music he could not hear.

17&18) Removed.
19) Added the article.
20) Done 'switcheroo'...
21) Added 'back'
22) Oh, no, I don't want to use that word here. Changed to 'directed', that's mitigating enough, I think.

23) *gets flogged*

quote:

The pale moon watched him as he shivered in the cold night-breeze, oblivious to the eternal beauty of the sky bending above him, impatiently waiting for her to reappear.

24) Removed.
25) I've heard about it but not watched a single one of the movies. I was more thinking of a very twisted version of Highlander.

26) Changed the preposition.
27) No, I'm definitely not. Since it's not in dialogue. Corrected the utterly stupid, elementary mistake.
28) Changed the word order. I'm not using 'we'. I'm using the correct form, 'us'. =P [/don't be mad, I couldn't resist...]

29) Changed.
30) I'm going with the first option, since the second one is too fancy for speech.
31) Come on! The guy has almost bled to death! Give him a break! *gasps* Oh, you're not giving me a break? How cruel. Utterly cruel. How can you sleep at night? =P

32-35) Added the article, removed the comma and the 'the', and turned the colon into a semi-colon.

OK, edited, thank you million times! *drowns Ronin in roses*

I never intended this to be a 'proper book', it's fanfiction, after all, with around 30000 words.
I know, there's a list of things I should've written. Zhoom's journey from Sandsea to Falconreach, give a name to the librarian and describe what his doing just before Zhoom appears, tell the story behind Lux's hate for vampires, the story behind the “It should not have been you” she dreams about, tell how her brother turned out, describe Lux's and Zhoom's journey to Amityvale, shed some light on Frydae's motives, tell about Djamun's last days, describe Sek-Duat's marriage a bit more, describe random events during the genocide, give insight to Sonny-boy's feelings, tell a story about the sheep pen, describe the dungeons better, try to describe what goes inside the tombguards' minds, etc, etc, etc....

Maybe I'll be hit by inspiration that compels me to write all this down.....

Thanks for holding up with me to the end!

DF	Post #: 12

6/30/2008 7:35:35

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Rose:
Great!

Avoiding:

16: My point was kind of that you can't possibly think of what infinity might look like. Infinity is both visible and invisible, both black and white. My suggestion is to remove the infinity altogether.
31: What kind of critiquer would I be if I started giving breaks? How do you sleep at night,punishing my just and educational corrections with shameless offence.

Anything else, agreed.
Oh, and I placed those spoiler-tags.

You are welcome.

AQ	Post #: 13

6/30/2008 7:40:34

Crimzon5
Member

Wow! The comments page is longer than the story itself xD

*sniff* the last part of the story... I consider it the best. THough anti-clamatic... it isn't lame. Well done there.

_____________________________

Can you see the Visions?

Post #: 14

7/1/2008 5:54:22

Fleur Du Mal
Member

@Crimzon5: Thanks. I know, the ending is a bit milder scene than some others in the story... Glad you didn't find it altogether lame... Maybe I'll come up with some improvements to it later on.

@Orfeus:

16: I see infinity as many things, some of them you can look at. Like fractals. Like the open night sky, the stars continue rolling on in the universes, far beyond your sight. Or the ocean... it's not infinite in itself, but I could drown in it, never to be found again. That's one aspect of infinity, imo. Yes, I'm pathetic. No, I'm not going to remove the infinity.

31: Who ever lied to you about me sleeping at nights, lol?
OK, I'll try to think of something better, but I can't promise anything delivered fast enough for you...

Thanks for putting in the tags!

DF	Post #: 15

7/1/2008 6:10:59

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

What the...
Will you choose a nick and stick to it already...

16-I'm gonna say this once more and then shut up about it; infinity is everything. Drowning in a sea is not even 0.000000001 part of infinity. In fact, anything, even planet earth, is just an infinitely small percentage of what infinity is...
Oh well, if you like being pathetic...

31-I don't really care if you do it at all. I make a list of stuff I don't like about the story so I can help the writer improve. If they're too lazy to do it...my job's been done...
Don't make it a cheesy joke anyone knows please.
Just be funny. I know you can do it.

< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 7/1/2008 6:11:25 >

AQ	Post #: 16

7/5/2008 10:36:36

Fleur Du Mal
Member

The second chapter, called Thesaurus, to Where's My Rose has been added.

Enjoy!

DF	Post #: 17

7/5/2008 11:20:08

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Where's my rose, chapter two (I saw it before you announced, honestly!)

1:

quote:

Refusing to surrender to the more dismal displays of weather, the April sun shone briskly from the azure-blue sky curving above the city.

You're suggesting here that the weather is some force which does not include the sun, but the sun is slightly related to it.
However, in reality, the sun is part of what we concider the weather, just like rain, etc.

2:

quote:

Laila pressed the trigger, thus focusing rays of light to hit on the full frame CMOS-sensor of her Canon.

"on" is redundant here, and doesn't sound nice either. Concider removing.

3:

quote:

She would spend countless hours once at home while organising and photoshopping those images on her computer.

photoshopping? Does she not care about the genuinity, the honesty that is art, in photography more perhaps than in any other artform.
Also, is this Laila who I think it is?

4:

quote:

She would spend countless hours once at home while organising and photoshopping those images on her computer. However, the awakening plants and the plethora of colourful, silky petals opening up at the Hyde park had enticed her.

However? How does the 2nd rule out or contradict the 1st sentnece?

5:

quote:

Weren't it for the harsh sun that climbed ever higher in the sky, making the contrast between light and shadow tricky enough to spoil some of the shots, and forcing her to waste bytes into bracketing, she would've never left the park.

Split the sentence up.

6:

quote:

. Fascinated about the blunt embodiment of death lying before her own two feet, she wondered if she'd manage to take a close-up shot without raising too much attention.

Concider changing 'about' into 'with'.

7:

quote:

A little farther away, a third one was nearing to join the group, carrying a Thermos flask in a totally carefree manner.

I dislike both the words 'totally' and 'manner' here.
If the carefree-ness reflects on the flask, concider:
carrying a Thermos flask with such wild movements, he seemed to forget about the temperature of the content.
Or something like that.
If it reflects on life itself:
group. He carried the Thermos flask the way only people without a care in the world can.

8:

quote:

Glancing sideways around her, Laila readied her camera, adjusting the aperture before stepping closer to the carcass.

Sideways around herself? Mention something like 'turned around', because this sounds...unnatural.

9:

quote:

Checking the LCD-screen she saw that the background wasn't still blurry enough for her taste,

LCD-screen, she

10:

quote:

She stood up, pulled the card out and thrust it into her pocket, cursing silently

thrusted?

11:

quote:

She did as asked, quickly blurting out an embarrassed apology, to which the man responded with a friendly nod and a thank-you.

"I'm sorry"
"Thank you"
You notice this being wierd? You don't say thank you to an appology.

12:

quote:

By the time the clean-up grew arrived, Laila had thoroughly searched all her pockets without finding the object she was looking for

*rolls on the floor laughing*
grew=crew

13:

quote:

An image of a small pile of memory cards lying on the hotel room table flashed in her mind as she realised where she had left her stash.

You were looking for "flashed through her mind"

14:

quote:

She started walking, looking for the nearest underground station and thinking back the last photos she had taken;

thinking back about the last

15:

quote:

, followed by the fly-infested intestines of an oversized avian.

oversized? You mean you think swans are too big to be 'regular sized birds'? I hate to break it to you, but if the swan wasn't big concidering it being a swan, it wasn't big concidering its a bird either, as swans are birds. Did you mean it was bigger than regu;ar swans? Also: If anything, I'd think planes would be what you'd call oversized avians.

16:

quote:

while looking into the shadows under an Upside-down Tree and then into the shimmering, burning brightness of the sky.

What's with the capitals?

17:

quote:

With this kind of exposure, I might as well go browsing the stores; memory cards or not.

Memory cards or not? I'm pretty sure you'll be able to find a store in a big city with camera memmory cards... And this fact is a good reason to go to the shops, better than having nothing better to do in her case.

18:

quote:

kind of exposure, I might as well go browsing the stores; memory cards or not.

Two hours and a tea later, she found herself standing in front of a tiny bookshop.

What's with the unusually big gap all of a sudden?

~~I did five paragraphs, and 18 points. It means I'm working hard. Real hard. Which means I'm tired. Which means I shall resume activity later. It's too hot around here to continue.~~

19:

quote:

here's always one of those curiosity-shops to be found in London's endless net of side-streets:

I think you were looking for the term 'curiosa' here, not curiosity.

20:

quote:

Inside, the shop didn't quite look like she'd imagined; it wasn't dark at all, light poured in unhindered from the mirroring windows and the owner was the exact opposite of the regular hunchback; a drop-dead-gorgeous, platinum-blond man with deep-blue eyes that shone innocently like jewels on a maiden's necklace.

when you do this:
imagined;
I expact a list of things that not as imagined.
When you later do this:
at all, light poured
I expect the thing before and the thing after the comma to be two seperate things that aren ot as imagined. However, the first is a consequence of the first. Therefore, this two should be a semi-colon.
To avoid both an abundance of semi-colons and a confusing sentence, this would work:

Inside she found out the shop was nothing like she'd imagined. It wasn't dark at all; light poured in unhindered from the mirroring windows. The owner was the exact opposite of the regular hunchback; a drop-dead-gorgeous, platinum-blond man with deep-blue eyes that shone innocently like jewels on a maiden's necklace.

21:

quote:

The man nodded from behind the counter and assessed her with his eyes for a moment,

I'd say 'with his eyes' isn't needed here, because I didn't really expact him to be smelling her anyway, or listen to her heartbeat by pushing his ears against her chest or something...

22:

quote:

coming to the conclusion that this customer wanted to look around before asked if there was anything he could do to help.

around, before he asked
add comma and 'he'

23:

quote:

Yes, this lady was the kind of breed that would disappear if approached immediately after she'd entered any store, including the chemist's.

You're not writing from Laila's perspective, but you are kinda writing as an invisible being, watching over her shoulder with everything she does. Therefore, mentioning the thoughts of anyone but her, and not as noticed by her but well hidden, is odd.

24:

quote:

She stopped and followed her arm with her eyes, until those beautifully painted shaded pools of turquoise met an opus sheathed in black covers with barely discernible writing on it. She didn't understand a word from the scripture.

Then how did she know it was an opus before even opening it?

25:

quote:

“What is this language?” she now asked him, drawing circles around the written lines printed on it but not daring to lift the book from the pile.

it, but not
also: concider changing 'not daring' into 'hesitant'.
To help the reader understand her hesitation, you might add: from the botton of the pile.

26:

quote:

where you have the routine one hundred Harry Potters in a row and the common twenty-odd Da Vinci Codes on the other side of the shelf.

To complete the equation, add: Harry Potters in a row on one side of the shelf
Then change the part after Da Vinci into:
on the other.

27:

quote:

“Just plain English, Miss. But you have to read it with a mirror. Here, try this,”

Is she that stupid? One can easily recognize mirrored western alphabet, as long as they know it when not mirrored...

28:

quote:

Unveiled Secrets for Mastering Your Own Revenge. A Course in Curses.

Ah, I understand where this is going now. And, strangely, I like it.

29:

quote:

she would have laughed at such a ludicrous hardcover, but not in here, not under the magical gaze of his eyes.

Fabz-fabz-fabzy-fabz. When will you learn? Shorten your sentences! A dot before this but is a good thing, okay. Yes, sometimes a dot (they look like this, in case you were wondering> .) is a good thing!

30:

quote:

Wanting to ask him if he had tried it on anyone, she formulated her question into a less intrusive form, “What's the catch?”

That's not less intrusive, that's just a completely different question. It's never going to get her an answer to the initial question.

31:

quote:

and gave the perfectly tempting answer, “There is no catch. Except for maybe the price.”

a perfectly tempting or
the perfect tempting

32:

quote:

So handsome smile.

Such a handsome
Same goes for the next sentence.

33:

quote:

Laila jerked at hearing such an insane price.

Should you accept point 32, then avoid repetition here by replacing 'such an' with 'the'.

34:

quote:

Sky-blue met the depth of an ultramarine ocean as she looked him straight into his eyes, questioning that price.

Many a writer feels truly creative when describing the color of eyes. Yet, it is overdone. That doesn't mean doing it per se is a bad thing, but mentioning it time after time really annoys.

35:

quote:

Indeed, he took the step closer, but not in terms of prices as he reached out his hand and lay it on top of hers that was still holding the peculiar mirror and resting on the book-cover.

If you refuse to split this one up, at least do this:
prices, as he
hers, that (also, concider changing 'that' to 'which')

36:

quote:

Cries for caution sounded from some far-away corner of her brain like the buzzing of an annoying mosquito, but she refused to listen.

Cries of caution sounds better, IMO.

37:

quote:

Rosa, Julia, Maria, and You Whose Name I Shall Not Utter, prepare for me...

Mind if I make a guess? Lol.

END SCENE ONE

Gee, being a good critiquer is tiring. I'm going to continue whenever I feel like it, again. This is just to proof to you that I am actually working hard here.

< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 7/5/2008 15:15:58 >

AQ	Post #: 18

7/5/2008 17:02:54

Fleur Du Mal
Member

1) Might I get away with it if I refer to it as figurative speech or something?
All I wanted to say that the Sun "refused" to be hidden behind to clouds. I know that the sun has no free will and that largely everything weather-related on the Earth is caused by the Sun.

2)Consider it removed.

3) "Photoshopping" does not necessarily mean tampering with the genuiety. In this case, e.g., the exposure has been a bit difficult to set, so she'd probably have to both choose the right one from the heap of similar images produced by the bracketing, plus she might need to further adjust the lightness of the photo with the image-editing program.
The last question was already solved by PM, I believe. =P

4) Sorry for that. Replaced with 'Right now,'

5) Currently, I don't know how... Maybe I'll come up with a way to do that later.

6)Consider it changed.

7) I went with the last option. Except that the third one was 'a she'.

8) Blushed and removed the 'around'. -> 'Glancing quickly sideways,'.

9) Wow, I got all the way up to point 9 until I needed to add a comma! Yay!

10) No, it's actually thrust, thrust, thrust, according to my reliable Collins Cobuild Dictionary.

11) Ahem, he's thanking her for stepping away from the bird... He kinda nods to the apology, meaning "It's alright, no apologies needed..."
You think I still need to edit that?

12) Haha. We already went through this. Corrected =P.

13&14) Yes, you're right. That's it/them. Corrected.

15) She thinks it's oversized since she's more accustomed to little birds... She's not from London, ya know. Anyways, I changed that to 'deceased avian'

16) That particular type of a tree is written with the capitals. As long as I believe the Hyde Park-wiki....

17) She has a hotel room full of those cards. She really don't want to buy anymore. So she uses this as an excuse to go window-shopping. Regarded as non-proper pastime by some people.

18) Lol. Some heavy fingers just landed on Enter one time too many. Removed the unneccessary empty line.

19) Lol, we are both wrong. It's curiosity chop. Google told me.

20) I'm just shamelessly going to take your suggestion as it is and insert it to the text..... Thanks! Thanks you! Merci!

21) kay.... I'm...just...gonna...remove...those...eyes and move on!

22) Corrected as suggested.

23) You know, I kinda like this occasional oddness, so I 'm keeping that. For now. Until I think of something way better. Which might be never. =P

24) I meant the scripture on the cover. I just erred with the word. Badly. Changed to simple: "She didn't understand a word from it."

25) Ahem. It's on the top of the pile. She doesn't dare to lift it up and open it since it feels so cold... But I added the comma!

26) Suggested changes made

27) No, surprisingly, she's not. I told earlier that the writing was barely discernible. That and the fact that it's mirrored is enough to make it look like some foreign language.
(imho)

28) Do you? Really? =P

29) Hrmph. Oh, look, there's a dot! Right after the 'Hrmph'!
OK, I'll split that up later... (I need to reorganise the wording for that and that's why I need time to think before rushing into action and ending up in two sentences where on has the verb and the other hasn't...or something equally cathastropic.)

30) OK... Changed to 'Wanting to ask him if he had tried it on anyone, and what it had costed him,...'

31) Went with 'a perfectly tempting'

32) That's "direct thought", so I think I'll keep to the less refined, original version and thus leaving point 33) as it is.

33) See above.

34) You didn't notice before that I have an obsession for eyes?
I edited this to: 'She looked at him, questioning that price.'
Reluctantly. But acknowledging the obsession. =P

35) Didn't split it up but I went with your other suggestions, lol.

36) You're right. Again. **bows** Changed.

37) No comment, lol

You're amazing at this! Thank you thank you thank you!
Anything I can do for you? Except write that chapter 1 for the Cult....

DF	Post #: 19

7/5/2008 17:31:39

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

So here is my response to your response to my comments, a tradition I hold true to dearly.

1: Something like 'refused to forfeit in a constand battle against the coulds' is fine, because the clouds do not include the sun. The weather does.
4: Explain to me why you appologize for something like this...
11: Okay.
19: Google lied to you, I am right.
21: That's probably best. Hey, find me a genius who isn't a little crazy...
23: You like literary mistakes? Enjoy them, by all means.
25: Yeah, low temperatures can be scary as hell.........not.
28: Yes.
32: Can she not use English language properly for some reason? Becuase if she can, there is no reason for her to say it like that...
37: I am right once again.

Did you notice how little of these you disagreed with. I knew you would.

Ehm, I'm amazing at everything... Seriously though, this forum made me seriously concider a job in Creative Writing education. How about that!
You could write the chapter faster... Why don't you? Like, now!

AQ	Post #: 20

7/5/2008 17:46:42

Fleur Du Mal
Member

I'm currently following that tradition...

1) OK. I surrender. I'll change that later on tonight...
4) No, I won't =P
19) No it didn't. Dickens has even written a book called 'The Old Curiosity Chop'
21) I know at least one genius who isn't a little crazy. He's totally, completely, and utterly insane.
25) So, you wouldn't be afraid of a book that eminates cold by itself like a fridge?
32) See point 1)

You sound a bit smug, sir.

You'll get one heck of a chapter if I spend my whole night writing it without sleeping.....

DF	Post #: 21

7/5/2008 17:55:10

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Lets extend the tradition, shall we?

19: My and your google are in a disagreement, then, cause mine denies its existence. ~~Your google and Dickens have conspired to corrupt the English language, and, and...I cave.~~ Read this and weep, my friend.
21: Is that your way of admitting I'm a genius?
25: You never mentioned that. All you said is it felt cold. I can imagine loads of not-scary things that are cold (coke, ice-cream, etc.).
Seriously though, depending on the material used, it is very natural for certain book covers to feel cold.
Also, fridges do not create low temperatures, they cast out warm air. Which is why, when a fridge is opened long enough, the room temp. will increase slightly.

Note how you cannot resist my flawless reasoning.

You think I'd be fired soon, then?
You know, that phrase is usually used to describe a 'good' product. I'm pretty sure you meant 'bad' here.

< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 7/5/2008 17:56:38 >

AQ	Post #: 22

7/5/2008 18:03:43

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Yes, we shall.

19) I'm still not weeping.
21) If you want to keep on conversing about this, I'll suggest you take it to PM, since this isn't clearly a forum issue =P
25) The cover felt soft and cold. I mentioned that. What sort of a book cover feels soft and cold? The answer: A freaky one.

As to the numberless lines, see point 21)

DF	Post #: 23

7/5/2008 18:08:15

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

19: You should be. And I should be too, because what you'd writen originally was right.

25:Wrong. I have felt many a soft and cold book cover and thought 'this book is completely normal'. And I was right in thinking that.

Let's not take this to pm. Let's just stop discussing it. Best for the both of us.

AQ	Post #: 24

7/5/2008 18:10:36

Fleur Du Mal
Member

I'm changing the soft to velvety or something...

Agreed on the stopping.

DF	Post #: 25

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